My BPD wife dies and I find out she has a boyfriend on the same day

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm going through old texts we sent to each other. It's amazing how I forget the frequency and severity of our fights a few days after they happen. It's like just trying to duck from a barrage and then once you're safe, you stop dealing with it. Now, reading them back to back, it's frustrating how everything keeps going in circles without getting anywhere and it's surprising how often we get into horrible fights.  It's exhausting just reading these. It makes me feel awful. I feel that I should maybe delete them, but I can't bring myself to. I don't know what good it does to hold onto them, maybe use them as a warning to others who may be in my situation?  How have others in my situation dealt with this?

[tbddbt]

I'm going through old texts we sent to each other. It's amazing how I forget the frequency and severity of our fights a few days after they happen. It's like just trying to duck from a barrage and then once you're safe, you stop dealing with it. Now, reading them back to back, it's frustrating how everything keeps going in circles without getting anywhere and it's surprising how often we get into horrible fights.  It's exhausting just reading these. It makes me feel awful. I feel that I should maybe delete them, but I can't bring myself to. I don't know what good it does to hold onto them, maybe use them as a warning to others who may be in my situation?  How have others in my situation dealt with this?

[an0ught]

We both had good jobs and made money, but we were always struggling. She had run up so much credit card debt, that I was guilted into cashing out my retirement account to pay them off. I now find out she got new secret cards that she had been using to pay her boyfriends' way on dates and outings and was flying her latest to be with her on "business trips". She had now run those up to 30k balances in addition to overspending our checking account every month.  I don't know how many of her family or friends knew about this. I feel so humiliated.

 

this is not your fault, not at all. It sounds like her behavior over the last months has been escalating and she was loosing more and more control. This was going to be seen sooner or later by you - there is always some delay. You knew her better than any other - one reason she struggled to be close to you.

No matter how she was the last months you were together for a very long time and you loved her dearly. My heart goes out to you. Take your time to grief 

[JQ]

I'm going through old texts we sent to each other. It's amazing how I forget the frequency and severity of our fights a few days after they happen. It's like just trying to duck from a barrage and then once you're safe, you stop dealing with it. Now, reading them back to back, it's frustrating how everything keeps going in circles without getting anywhere and it's surprising how often we get into horrible fights.  It's exhausting just reading these. It makes me feel awful. I feel that I should maybe delete them, but I can't bring myself to. I don't know what good it does to hold onto them, maybe use them as a warning to others who may be in my situation?  How have others in my situation dealt with this?

tbddbt,

Because we are who we are, we care deeply for those we love and you are no different. I've kept my ex BPD gf text as a reminder of all the turmoil, the battles, and like you how exhausting they were. One of the last ones I texted to her went something like, "You know *&^%, I'm not even upset, angry or hurt anymore, I'm just tired I'm tired of putting in more effort then I receive, I'm tired of holding on for nothing ... .I'm tired of believing all the lies, ... .I'm tired of getting my hopes up again and being disappointed again ... .I'm tired".  It's a reminder to me NOT to fall back into that cycle with someone else ... .I read it from time to time and it reminds me what I DON"T want in a relationship. I also have kept other text that remind me of the good times ... .it does put a smile on my face ... .but then I read the other one and realize that the price to pay for those moments was to high.

Being military I've kept text from a couple of friends who are no longer with us as a reminder too, and it brings a smile to my face ... .and a old friend who I knew since high school and died just over a year ago ... .all these examples are personal reminders to myself ... .both good and bad ... .that life is short ... .we must live our life each and everyday for ourselves because we don't know when our expiration date is ... .we must live our lives for  ourselves ... .not for anyone else tbddbt ... .in time ... .those painful memories will ease up ... .and they won't be so awful, they won't be so painful ... .they will serve as reminders from time to time to yourself what not to get into ... .because like most of us who get involved with someone who is BPD ... .chances are we will unwillingly get involved again with someone who is BPD ... .we ... .as least i do need a reminder from time to time that what I had with my ex BPD gf isn't what I want in life from a partner ... .and that I deserve better. Make that call to get help ... .to a therapist ... .to a counselor ... .a grief counselor at the very least ... .reaching out for help isn't a sign of weakness but of great strength.

Take a deep breath ... .these feelings you have will pass ... .try to get out ... .for a walk at the very least ... .get out into the sun ... .sunlight is a natural mood improver.  Enjoy the beauty all around you , the flowers, the sun, the laughter of a child, the colors of the leaves in the fall, the beauty of first virgin snow ... .reach out to an old friend you haven't seen or talked to in awhile ... .catch up with them. Call up someone to get out and go have that burger and a beer ... .be active ... .make a schedule ... .a thing to do list ... .if your a football fan ... .the season starts in a couple of weeks ... .go to your local high school football game ... .that'll take you back and you never know what might happen ... .wash your car ... .get out ... .explore life ... .get out ... .if for nothing else ... .get some sun ... .enjoy that walk ... .enjoy the small things ... .

Be safe ... .Be well ... .

JQ

[maxen]

tbddbt, i just want to emphasize something that JQ and an0ught have been saying. in a sense i'm talking to myself because even now, long since the explosion that ended the marriage, i have trouble absorbing this basic fact.

I was not enough, I didn't satisfy her or she wasn't attracted to me.

this was not a typical relationship, as your family and friends have been trying to say. i too have gotten the "so it didn't work out" interpretation. BPD is an attachment disorder. in my exw's case, it's never "worked out" with anyone. and there's little we can do about it, without the other party seeing her (or his) own patterns and committing to work on them.

do call a therapist or counselor, and lean on those friends.

[Thunderstruck]

I'm so very sorry to see all of this unfold. What a painful time you have been going through. 

It is quite a blow to my already low self esteem. I have to come to the terms that the love of my life probably never loved me back. I was not enough, I didn't satisfy her or she wasn't attracted to me. That hurts so much. What is wrong with me that I can be treated this way?

This is so untrue! You were you, which is more than enough, satisfying, and attractive! This issue isn't with YOU at all!

Think of how it is living in her shoes. She has this big vast empty hole in the very core of her being. You and I can fill that hole with love from family and friends, a positive sense of self, satisfaction with our lives... .and we can live a happy and comfortable life. PDs can never fill that hole. They try with every new partner (or some try with spending or some try with drugs or new jobs or new friends) but eventually the "high" of a new partner wears off. So they keep chasing that high on and on.

You did everything right. You put up with probably far more than you needed to. You were more than enough. Her disorder just plain sucks. And it caused her to act in ways that hurt you. It's ok to be hurt by her behavior and still love her as a person.

[JQ]

I'm so very sorry to see all of this unfold. What a painful time you have been going through. 

It is quite a blow to my already low self esteem. I have to come to the terms that the love of my life probably never loved me back. I was not enough, I didn't satisfy her or she wasn't attracted to me. That hurts so much. What is wrong with me that I can be treated this way?

This is so untrue! You were you, which is more than enough, satisfying, and attractive! This issue isn't with YOU at all!

Think of how it is living in her shoes. She has this big vast empty hole in the very core of her being. You and I can fill that hole with love from family and friends, a positive sense of self, satisfaction with our lives... .and we can live a happy and comfortable life. PDs can never fill that hole. They try with every new partner (or some try with spending or some try with drugs or new jobs or new friends) but eventually the "high" of a new partner wears off. So they keep chasing that high on and on.

You did everything right. You put up with probably far more than you needed to. You were more than enough. Her disorder just plain sucks. And it caused her to act in ways that hurt you. It's ok to be hurt by her behavior and still love her as a person.

tbt,

I want to echo what Thunderstruck has said here  ... .YOU were enough ... .the problem isn't YOU ... .the issue is with behavior disorder that she had. YOU didn't cause it! YOU Can't Cure it!  YOU Could NEVER control it! Thunderstruck does a awesome job of describing the situation with the hole and you trying to fill it.  NO ONE ... .NO ONE would of been able to fill that hole. Thunderstruck is correct ... .you put up with far more than you needed to and quite frankly what a lot of men would have.

Continue to read about BPD ... .my exBPD gf has told me she knows she's damaged to the core (and I believe this is only because of decades of therapy) and I see her struggle with trying to resolve relationship issues not only with me, but her ex husband, her girls, her mother, brother, sister. It's like she can't comprehend ... .she doesn't understand that someone like me can love her.  I've thought about the stories she told me that led to her condition ... .it is so hard for me as a "normal" human being to try and imagine the daily sexual abuse she suffered at the hands of her brother not for days or months ... .but for about 7 years starting at the age of 5. I can't imagine the physical beatings she suffered almost daily for years from her older sister ... .now imagine not being able to ever tell your  parents because of your father is working ungodly hours and your mother is most likely BPD herself and you can't go to either one.  It warps the mind at the very core. It screws up your thought and behavior process for your entire life ... .I NOW know there is nothing I can do or say that will ensure her that I won't leave the relationship ... .as you know BPDs have this huge fear of abandonment real or not.  They can't rationalize things like you or me can in a normal relationship.  Because the damage happen during her years of early development ... .and really shaped those paths in her brain ... .it's going to take a lifetime of therapy and patience, and love, and everything else you can think of for her to even think about having a semi normal life. All indications she will never ... .NEVER have a "Normal" life.

BPDs are damaged well before we meet them ... .it has nothing to do with you ... .the lack of love you THINK you didn't show ... .it DIDN"T involve you NOT being good enough. It does involve mental disorder ... .a learned behavior that she learned long before you ever entered the picture.  PLEASE PLEASE don't beat yourself up ... .I know you loved her, I know you wanted to help her live a more peaceful and loving life ... .I know you at your core believed in her ... .but it would of been a lifetime of therapy ... .a lifetime of intense stress, a lifetime of emotional, mental, verbal abuse that would of taking a toll on your body, your soul and your heart.

It's ok to miss her ... .it's ok to love her ... .but know my friend that you were good enough ... .you are a good person ... .you deserve to heal yourself ... .take this time and take a deep breath ... .really ... .get outside and take a walk ... .enjoy the small things ... .enjoy the smell of fresh cut grass, the laughter of kids playing in the neighborhood, enjoy the feel of the sun on your face, enjoy the sounds of the birds ... .I don't know where you live in the world ... .but it won't be but a few more weeks when the leaves will begin to turn and you can enjoy the colors of the fall ... .the nip in the air ... .then if you like it ... .you can enjoy the first virgin snow fall of the year ... .then you can get your shovel out and clean your driveway ... .hehehe ... .  ... .and as others including myself have suggested ... .please reach out for help with a therapist ... .it truly is a sign of immense strength.

Be safe ... .rest easy ... .take a deep breath ... .enjoy the small things ... .

JQ