My BPD wife dies and I find out she has a boyfriend on the same day

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I don't know how to deal with this.  My BPD wife of over 20 years and I had been having problems and I was visiting family in another state when I received a phone call that she was in a bad car accident.  She was in critical condition in the hospital and I flew back immediately to be with her.  At the same time, I find out she was driving to her boyfriend's house.  We had not been intimate for many months and I find an empty pregnancy test wrapper in the bathroom.  On her computer she keeps at work, I find many pictures of her out at nightclubs when she said she was working late.  She is wearing slutty clothes that she never wears and there are many pictures of her with different guys.  In her search history is a recent search for STD symptoms.  Her current boyfriend tries to visit her in the hospital and I kick him out.  She doesn't make it.  I am now trying to make funeral arrangements. This is way too much to take at the same time.  I lost the love of my life and I don't know if she even loved me back. I swing between the most painful grief and sadness I have ever felt,to anger, hurt and feelings of being betrayed.

[tbddbt]

I don't know how to deal with this.  My BPD wife of over 20 years and I had been having problems and I was visiting family in another state when I received a phone call that she was in a bad car accident.  She was in critical condition in the hospital and I flew back immediately to be with her.  At the same time, I find out she was driving to her boyfriend's house.  We had not been intimate for many months and I find an empty pregnancy test wrapper in the bathroom.  On her computer she keeps at work, I find many pictures of her out at nightclubs when she said she was working late.  She is wearing slutty clothes that she never wears and there are many pictures of her with different guys.  In her search history is a recent search for STD symptoms.  Her current boyfriend tries to visit her in the hospital and I kick him out.  She doesn't make it.  I am now trying to make funeral arrangements. This is way too much to take at the same time.  I lost the love of my life and I don't know if she even loved me back. I swing between the most painful grief and sadness I have ever felt,to anger, hurt and feelings of being betrayed.

[Surg_Bear]

Holy Hell

I am so sorry that this has happened.  I don't know what to say- except that I am so sorry for your loss.  Your loss, the loss of your spouse is the single highest personal stressor in a person's life.  Now compound this with the discovery of her second, hidden life.  Wow.  This is almost too much to handle.

You can and must handle it.

if you need help, come here and post often.  People will chime in support for you.

If you need personal support and feel like you need an individual and not a forum- PM me.

I am so sorry.

Love,

Surg_Bear

[babyducks]

tbddbt,

my heartfelt condolences for your loss.

and my prayers and wishes for strength and healing for you.

may you be comforted in your grief.

babyducks

[Samuel S.]

Man, your different emotions are very well founded! It's bad enough that she was BPD, but to combine that with her infidelity and that she has passed away, this is absolutely terrible! Along with posting on this website, I would like to make some other suggestions as different ways to handle your different emotions. First, journaling can be very constructive for you. Secondly, it is suggested either getting personal counseling or involving yourself in a support group, such as Hospice grief counseling support groups in your area. Lastly, exercising to release your stress can be beneficial. No matter what you do, please know that we care about you a lot, and we hope that you take care of yourself! 

[Bpdwifelife]

I am so very sorry to hear this and you are now facing what will be the most difficult time in your life. I want you to know that I have been through the sudden death of a spouse and it took me five years to get through it. I want to offer support to you because I know how painful this is. My situation was different but needless to say my marriage was one unhappy one. My first h was not BPD but he was very troubled nonetheless. We had a sexless marriage and seperate bedrooms but no cheating on either side. I think my first h may have been bipolar but I am not sure of that either. He was an alcoholic and after a DV incident he was arrested and when I got the restraining order lifted I let him come home if he agreed to stop drinking. He did. He was sober the last 3.5 years of his life but without any kind of treatment. Our r/s did not really improve and it was lonely so I decided to move out. The day I moved out is the day he started drinking again and within about two months he died of a heart attack in his sleep. He was 46 I was 37. I was devastated and spent two years sobbing in the bathtub blaming myself wondering how I could have saved him wishing I had done everything different. The pain was so great I didn't know how to survive it. I isolated and gained a lot if weight to punish myself and to make myself unattractive to other men. I gained about 75 lbs and became celibate. I did not want a man in my life at all - not even to look at it. After two years the pain became more bearable and I started to work through my grief and learned to forgive myself and realize that I could not have prevented his death that it wasn't my fault and I started to heal emotionally enough to start to live a little again. That process took another two years. Then I started to love myself again and do something about the weight. It took almost a year to lose it but I wasn't only working on losing weight I was working on a spiritual practice also and this was one of the most important years of my life. Though I still felt sad about the death of first h I had fully accepted it and I saw it more as a gift from him in a spiritual sense. Yes I has moved out but I had no intention of divorcing him and was in daily contact with him - he was very angry at me for leaving however - so our contact was not positive. His death freed me to move on with me life and learn some important things. At year 5 I was very centered, doing well emotionally (I thought) doing well professionally, financially and looked like my old self again. I had a yoga practice a meditation practice I was traveling and making new friends. I decided I was ready to date again. I went online and met someone nice right away. We communicated for a couple of weeks and then met. We liked eachother began dating and I broke my celibacy finally. However when emotions started to get involved I got scared. also he was very busy had custody of his kids and work and a band so I was 4th on his list of priorities. After what is been through I wanted to be first in someone's life as I knew I had a lot to give to the right person and wanted the same in return. Also I was sure if my feelings for him were real or if it was just the sex. He didn't know about my sexless marriage and the years of celibacy that followed. So I just broke up with him - no fight no drama he was confused but took it well and we remain friends.

Four days later I put my online profile back up and met my uBPDh within an hour. We met in person two days later and were living together within a week engaged in a couple of months married in ten. Now I am in a lot of trouble with my r/a and it is way worse though different than my first marriage.

The sudden death of a spouse shocks you and shakes you to the core. Even though I thought I took enough time to heal and had learned to love myself and knew what not to do next time I somehow - through my own unresolved pain - married a person who was more ill than my first husband and this baffles me. Though I am very sensitive and compassionate I am not really a care taker type and I didn't care take my first h - in fact he probably gave more than I did - but now with my uBPDh taking care of him is a full time job! I guess I was vulnerable, naive and starved for attention, love and yes sex when I met my uBPDh. He charmed me my friends and family and I got sucked down the rabbit hole and am trying to figure out what to do now. Every day is a roller coaster and I've had to go on anti-anxiety and anti-depressants for the first time in my life. I took no meds after first h died or in all those years after.

I write all this to you to let you know I know what an uphill climb this will be for you and also as a cautionary tale from someone who has been through it.

Infertility wasn't an issue in my first marriage or in thus one so I don't have experience with that though I can imagine how that will complicate your grieving process and may make you especially vulnerable to attaching to another unhealthy person. Others here have had to deal with the betrayl and pain of infidelity and will provide support for you here. I am very sad for you and I want you to know that I understand how dark this time is.

This is a turning point in your life and your old life is gone. You will need to create new life from the ashes and if you dig deep into your inner reserves of strength and spiritual "knowing" you can take the torment of the past 20 years of being married to an ill person and then her sudden death and knowledge of the betrayl to grow and plant the seeds to create a new life for yourself where you will have peace. It's a long long road but one day you may look back and thank your wife and see that your r/s and her death was a gift to you and without those experiences you would never have found the peace and joy you deserve.

I wish you all the best with this - please know you are not alone. Take the best possible care of yourself you can during this time. You will days so dark you will not want to move and you have to expect that. I would recommend journaling to get through those days. Some days you will need time alone - take it - but don't isolate too much. Your friends and family will be reaching out and checking on you - some days you won't want to talk to them - let them know that. On days you feel better do something nice for yourself. A couple of months after my first h died I got a massage and just started sobbing on the massage table. It felt so good and I hadn't been touched in so long and I was embarassed  and apologized but the masseuse said "don't worry it happens all the time". I also recommend spending time in nature and connecting to the positive energy in the world that's all around us. That helped me. I also got a puppy.

Can I suggest a book that helped me a lot during those years it's called "The Seat of The Soul" by Gary Zukav.

Sending you waves of protection and strength. You are never alone in this life. Peace.

[Herodias]

So very sorry for your loss and so very sorry you had to learn what you did... .the way you did. I pray you can find comfort from friends and family and here. (hugs)

[tbddbt]

Thank you all for replying with kind and helpful words. Bpdwifelife, I'm sorry you continue to endure so much pain.

[tbddbt]

I had my suspicions, but she had started getting violent when I would question her. She always tried to put me on the defensive, too, accusing me of doing the very things she was doing. She even did a double negative tactic by claiming that if I questioned her, it meant that I was having an affair and feeling guilty about it.

I don't know if I can ever trust anyone about anything ever again. I can't believe someone could be so cruel.

At the same time, I miss her dearly already and wish everything could have been different.

[Mutt]

Hi tbddbt,

I'm sorry for your loss  You were together for 20 years and married for 10. That's a long history. Did you have kids?

[tbddbt]

No. I wanted them, but thank God her views were that she "didn't want to bring any more children into this awful world."

[GaGrl]

My heart is hurting for you... .such pain to work through. Honor her life with the funeral arrangements... .you will have your time to grieve her, the relationship.

[OnceConfused]

my friend:

What you are going through now is very normal in the grieving process. Your mind is going through the first phase, SHOCK and CONFUSION. Shock at the sudden loss and confused as to why it happened. you begin to second guess what happened, things you could have done,

you will have to fight the thought of self blame.

keep telling yourself that everything happens for a reason.

believe time is the best healer.

seek grief support group in your area. it is very comforting to know that you are not alone, and perhaps your situation is not as bad as some others.

[Turkish]

She married you, and stayed, so she loved you in whatever way she could, for whatever time she was capable. I'm sorry that this burden has been placed upon you, tbddbt. And good for you for booting the shameless interloper.

Turkish

[tbddbt]

Thanks.  I made my username tbddbt because I  held out hope that she would accept the proper help and get better and that we would be happy together forever.  I knew it doesn't work like that, but I made all the arrangements and was devastated when she would never follow through.  I felt I had no other choice.  There is definitely something wrong with me that I would put up with so much abuse for so long. I did talk to a therapist and she said that I was so codependent that even if I had known what was going on,I would have eventually forgiven her and been forever stuck in the same cycle if this hadn't have happened

[Kelly123]

It's not often I'm lost for words and I'm unsure of what would provide you any comfort right now. Very sorry for this tragedy in your life the infidelity the BPD and your loss. I imagine you're so confused and conflicted right now angry, betrayed and grieving all at once. Based on this i will only say please look after yourself in the first instance make sure you're eating and resting. There will be a time for seeking answers and it sounds like it will be a negative path to walk down... .One thing at a time

[tbddbt]

I talked to a counselor yesterday.  She had seen us for couples and individual therapy off and on for about 15 years.  She told me that my wife's illness was so severe that DBT would not have helped her and that no one could have done anything.  My wife was incapable of accepting feedback or any form of criticism and that she needed some level of introspection for DBT to have been effective.  She also said that she was not possible for my wife to have a healthy close relationship with anyone.  It's hard to fathom because she had several friends and was extremely successful in her profession.  She said that if it had not have ended this way, even if I knew about the affairs, I was so codependent that I would have been manipulated into feeling responsible and I would have stayed.  Basically if it had not have happened this way, I would have never had a chance at a happy and fulfilling life.

[Bpdwifelife]

tbddbt - Your counselor gave you some wise advice and I hope this will help you through the "guilt" phase quicker than it did for me (2 years). Those two years I spent in the "guilt" phase were the hardest. Per my previous response - I believe one day you will see this tragic event as a gift from her to you, when you are in a better place and have a different perspective and you start getting your life back. But also a word of caution - the grieving process is unique to each individual - you have 20 years of pain to sort through and you will get very angry at her at times - then you may go back to guilt for being angry when you think about the good times or any sprinkles of affection she showed you. Be careful of that trap. It can really derail you.

I used to hear from friends/family all the time things like "You'll be okay in a year". "You'll be fine in six months" "How long before you're better?" etc... .It took me five years. It just takes whatever time it takes. You will know how much time you need to heal but you will be forever changed. Don't rush it but don't linger too long either ... .

I look back at the time I had with first h and the years following his death as a journey through darkness and I survived it. I thought with my instincts intact. Due to my current circumstance, I realize I must not have addressed certain injuries - but I see this r/s also as an opportunity for healing too. Even though I am in a painful r/s now, I can honestly say I like myself much better today than I ever have and I am a stronger person and whether I leave or stay in this marriage is my choice  and I will weigh it daily and do what's best for me. I am tested daily in this r/s and maybe that's part of my spiritual path - just as my first marriage and death of first h was. But that is how I see it. Everything has an expiration date.

I read a quote yesterday by David Deida from 'The Way of The Superior Man'  and it made me think of you.

"Almost everything you do, you do because you are afraid to die. And yet dying is exactly what you are doing from the moment you are born. Two hours of absorption in a good Superbowl telecast may distract you temporarily but the fact remains. You were born as a sacrifice and you can either participate in the sacrifice, dissolving in the giving of your gift, or you can resist it, which is your suffering"

Meaning, we are all on the road to death and not one of us can escape it. Your life here is a sacrifice for the evolution of your soul. Whatever your religious beliefs (I am not religious) or spiritual beliefs every one knows one day they will leave this world. Why are we here?

The people who come into our lives that are ill or mistreat us, the ones who are kind and compassionate and give us strength - what are they doing there? Here's another quote from the Tao

"What is a good man but a bad man's teacher

What is a bad man but a good mans job

If you don't understand this, you will get lost

no matter how intelligent you are

That is the great secret"


You have a lot to work through. However, this is also a very special time for you and treat it as such - treat yourself with great care. It's okay to think about the things you may have done that you regret - it's better to recognize them and own them - but forgive yourself as you did the best you could with what you had at the time. You are only human. Don't ruminate on what you should have could have done differently too much. That can really take you down fast.

Also, I am sure you are aware of this but another person can't fix this for you. Make sure you are whole before offering your gift of love to another otherwise you may find yourself repeating the same r/s pattern in a new one. This will take some time.

Be very grateful you didn't have children with her. I didn't have children either. That was also a gift from her to you. You still have time to be a father if that's what your heart desires. Now is the time to find out what your heart desires.

Much peace to you.

Bpdwifelife

[OnceConfused]

Google for grief support group in your area. I personally found these meetings were helpful and comforting in knowing that I was not the only one that suffered. Many more out there had it worse than we got.

Your mind will throw many unanswered questions to your head. You will feel a sense of confusion, of dullness of the mind. Don't worry, those are normal. Time will heal all.

[tbddbt]

We both had good jobs and made money, but we were always struggling. She had run up so much credit card debt, that I was guilted into cashing out my retirement account to pay them off. I now find out she got new secret cards that she had been using to pay her boyfriends' way on dates and outings and was flying her latest to be with her on "business trips". She had now run those up to 30k balances in addition to overspending our checking account every month.  I don't know how many of her family or friends knew about this. I feel so humiliated.

[OnceConfused]

I am very surprised that you are NOT angry about what she has done to you and your finances.

[JohnLove]

Hello tbddbt, I have been following what has happened. The "family" here understand how this could happen. Don't be too hard on yourself, pwBPD can be VERY underhand. I, myself struggle so much with this behaviour. It can be very hard to comprehend. It's all about them and their "needs" which usually comes at the SO's expense, which in your situation is very high emotional and financial... .very sad and even tragic.

Work through your feelings... .be with them. It can only get better from here. Your life is all about you now... .look for the opportunities with your healing.

[Silveron]

Those credit cards were in her name only, so you are not responsible for them.  Talk to a lawyer because those CC companies will have you think otherwise.  I'm sorry that you lost your wife, please know that her soul loved you even though her mental issues overlaid that and caused this bad behavior on her part.  I am sure if she had the choice to be BPD or not, she would choose to live with a clear head.

As we are recipients of their bad choices, I can't imagine what they are going through personally.  I hope she has found peace where she is at now.  I hope you find solace in knowing that in her heart she did really love you and that her bad choices doesn't define her soul.  Remember the good in her, she has made you smile and feel loved at times.  Rest knowing that you being there for her meant everything in the world even though she did not show it all the time.  Feel comforted that her last thought before she left this earth was of you.

[maxen]

hi tbd. i am so, so sorry for your situation. you are experiencing a welter of emotions and i hope you will continue to visit with your counselor, who seems to understand the situation. i hope you have other support, family or friends, and you can always post here: we'll know what it's like to have dealt with a pwBPD.

there are details you mention that are very similar to those in my story. perhaps it will help in a small way for you to know that you are not alone.

We both had good jobs and made money, but we were always struggling. She had run up so much credit card debt, that I was guilted into cashing out my retirement account to pay them off. I now find out she got new secret cards that she had been using to pay her boyfriends' way on dates and outings and was flying her latest to be with her on "business trips". She had now run those up to 30k balances in addition to overspending our checking account every month.  I don't know how many of her family or friends knew about this. I feel so humiliated.

we also had good jobs and made money, but my exw's spending had me constantly fearful and during the divorce i learned that she was $80K in debt - $30K of which she took out between the service of the papers and the signing of the stipulation. her father knew she had a spending problem, because she asked him for $15K during the marriage and he gave it to her. but i'm guessing that no other friends or family know.

this is one of the coping mechanisms common in pwBPD, suppleting from outside the bottomless interior need for attention and comfort. my exw also used alcohol and food. as your counselor said:

She also said that she was not possible for my wife to have a healthy close relationship with anyone.  It's hard to fathom because she had several friends and was extremely successful in her profession.

my exw too has friends of long standing and is very successful. these are relationships with a certain distance though. every guy she dated ran, but i said i'd stay, and she ran. that too is characteristic of BPD: the intense need for attachment and the concomitant fear of abandonment, which is pre-empted by making new attachments.

right now please take care of yourself. as time passes you may be able to take a more clinical view and depersonalize what happened. please keep posting tbd!

[tbddbt]

Thank you.  All the advice and support is very helpful.

[JQ]

I don't know how to deal with this.  My BPD wife of over 20 years and I had been having problems and I was visiting family in another state when I received a phone call that she was in a bad car accident.  She was in critical condition in the hospital and I flew back immediately to be with her.  At the same time, I find out she was driving to her boyfriend's house.  We had not been intimate for many months and I find an empty pregnancy test wrapper in the bathroom.  On her computer she keeps at work, I find many pictures of her out at nightclubs when she said she was working late.  She is wearing slutty clothes that she never wears and there are many pictures of her with different guys.  In her search history is a recent search for STD symptoms.  Her current boyfriend tries to visit her in the hospital and I kick him out.  She doesn't make it.  I am now trying to make funeral arrangements. This is way too much to take at the same time.  I lost the love of my life and I don't know if she even loved me back. I swing between the most painful grief and sadness I have ever felt,to anger, hurt and feelings of being betrayed.

tbddbt,

First and foremost, I'm truly sorry for the lost and emptiness you must be feeling now ... .and will continue to feel in the near future ... .but like all things in life ... .these feelings of dread, sadness and pain will fade with time ... .how much time ... .well everyone is different so there is no clear cut answer to that question. Only the passing of time will tell how long. I can only estimate that you're probably in your mid to late 40's ... .you will have a lot of down time ... .a lot of alone time ... .and those feelings of dread and emptiness will creep back into your life from time to time. I encourage you to get out and do something physical ... .walk around the block for a start ... .maybe get a bicycle and ride an hour or so but get out and enjoy the sun ... .the blue sky ... .the turning of the leaves. Go to a football game ... .baseball game ... .go out with your buddies for burger and a beer. But get out of the house and start to enjoy the simple things again ... .

If I may ... .suggest ... .grief counseling for yourself at the very least, which will turn into other type of counseling in time.  A quick side note, I was ordered to go into counseling for a work related injury and the "adjustment issues" i was having with it ... .and in time I found out that I was a codependent and most of the women I dated or married were either BPD or close to being one. I became very self aware ... .learned all that I could about myself ... .about BPD and how i reacted and acted with not only S/O, but with my family as well since I came to learn my mother was BPD and my sister is as well. SO, counseling had several beneficial facets to it and I encourage you to start as soon as you possibly can ... .at least for the grief counseling to start ... .and don't make any excuses that you can't go because I'm pretty sure everyone in the room as heard everyone.

Unless we've walked a mile in your shoes we cannot know what the roller coaster of emotion you must be feeling ... .but we've all had our own stories we can tell ... .our own roller coaster of emotion we have felt ... .but nothing can compare to the pain you're going through right now. You have to take care of yourself ... .you can't stop living ... .and you've received some sound advice from not only the group but your therapist.  Like you I was and maybe still am to a small degree codependent  ... .after my last relationship with my exBPD gf ... .I became very self aware ... .and that is the very first step on the road to recovery as they say ... .to realize that you might have an issue.  My exBPD was so very ill that when I confronted her on her behaviors, her lies, extra bf or two or three, she tried to turn it around on me like yours did with you. there came a point that I said enough was enough and sought out guidance, education, becoming more self aware and finally got tired of all the lies ... .the pain ... .everything and told her so. Your therapist is correct ... .when a person is so damage on the inside that dpt therapy wouldn't of ever helped ... .you have to think of yourself ... .you're not hear to make anyone else happy ... .you are giving this one life to live and you MUST live it for yourself!   Like you, i was a codependent ... .always trying to see the positive side of things ... .always making lemonade out of lemons in life. For us with BPD gf, bf, ex-wives, ex-husbands ... .we know that they cycle ... .that we will forever be looking over our shoulders for them to reenter our life to cause havoc, spend our money, break our hearts, only to leave us yet again with a broken soul, heart, bank accounts ... .then when we pick the pieces up and start again ... .they will be there yet again to recycle us yet again ... .from the sounds of things from your counselor, family, friends, this was a blessing for all concerned ... .if you believe in life after this one ... .she is no longer in the pain that caused her to be this way ... .she is at rest ... .and now you can with the help of counselors move on as well ... .to live your life for yourself ... .you deserve to be happy ... .to live a good life ... .to live a life free of stress of financial burdens caused by someone who is so ill ... .to live a life free of heart ache ... .free of the mental pain you have endured from someone who was so ill ... .

i wish you peace and strength during this time in your life ... .i wish you a long and happy life ... .I wish you the love that all of us desire and seek out ... .

JQ

[tbddbt]

It is quite a blow to my already low self esteem. I have to come to the terms that the love of my life probably never loved me back. I was not enough, I didn't satisfy her or she wasn't attracted to me. That hurts so much. What is wrong with me that I can be treated this way?

[JQ]

It is quite a blow to my already low self esteem. I have to come to the terms that the love of my life probably never loved me back. I was not enough, I didn't satisfy her or she wasn't attracted to me. That hurts so much. What is wrong with me that I can be treated this way?

tbddbt,

Your wife had a disorder ... .a mental disorder ... .YOU didn't Cause it ... .YOU can't Cure it ... .YOU Couldn't Control it ... .it's the 3 C's of someone who has BPD. You have to realize there are things that you can't change, you couldn't change ... .someone with BPD is very seriously damaged from most likely childhood events that happen long before you ever met her.  I know it doesn't make since now ... .but hopefully with guidance and assistance from your own therapist you will see some good from your relationship. My exBPD gf in moments of clarity and calmness ... .would look at me and tell me, "i have to let you know I do love you" ... .and I believed she did and possibly still does ... .BUT ... .because of events that happened in her life before I ever met her she was "damaged."  I have to accept it ... .as does most people who have S/O who are BPD. She told me of the horrible experiences that she suffered at the hands of her older brother, older sister, an absent father and an abusive mother. I wish with all my heart that I could fix it ... .but I can't. She continues to go to her therapist and will most likely go for the rest of her life ... .as will most people who suffer from BPD.  If you know anything about BPD ... .their behavior is like that of a 3 year old in an adult body ... .it's hard for us to accept how an intelligent person can do the things they do ... .she knew you loved her ... .and you have to know that she loved you ... .it might be difficult to believe that by her actions ... .or inactions ... .but if you look back at your relationship ... .you must have examples of when she seemed to be of a cleared head ... .a moment of calm where she said or did something to show you that she loved you. There is evidence to suggest that they do love us, but because of the push/pull, the huge abandonment fear that all of them have, they tend to leave relationships before they are left ... .yet another characteristic of someone who has BPD ... .and no matter what we do, no matter what we say, what ever our actions are ... .they will always feel like they're going to be abandon ... .again it happen long before you ever showed up in the picture. I tell you these things to try to help you understand that it was nothing that you did or didn't do ... .please please don't beat yourself up. She was attracted to you ... .she did care about you ... .BUT KNOW it wasn't you ... .it really was her ... .she was ill.  You are more then likely a codependent like most of us in the group ... .the good news is ... .once you go to therapy for this ... .you recognize it ... .become self aware of your behavior ... .you can change it ... .YOU ARE NOT MENTALLY ILL ... .you just have to adjust your behavior that you learned as a child to be a people pleaser ... .a peace maker ... .you probably a perfectionist ... .you probably have siblings that you took care of ... .maybe a absent father ... .a dominating mother ... .and did what ever you could to please your parents to receive their approval that never ever came ... .trust me, it's something I learned through hours and hours of therapy ... .looking back and evaluating my own relationships with parents, siblings, and S/O ... .now that I'm self aware, I've learned to say no ... .and I've learned to recognize the signals of a toxic relationship and move in another direction.

The extra affairs that BPD have is common among them ... .for those of us who love them have to decide if we want to remain in a relationship with someone who has BPD or move forward with our own therapy. You'll hear triangulation, FOG, validation, among common terms used in relationships with BPDs. There is a section that deals with people who want to stay in the relationship of the BPD ... .in everyone you'll hear the advice to seek out therapy for yourself because you'll need it. For someone who was or is attracted to someone with BPD ... .those people will probably live a shorter, unhealthy life due to the incredible amount of stress that is put on their body ... .their mind and soul ... .some consider it a blessing that they leave someone with BPD in order to get healthy in their own lives.

Seek out counseling ... .for your self esteem issues ... .I told a friend something ... .The world population is 7,865,425,756 ... .just in case you ex is feeling irreplaceable ... .there are other people out there ... ."other fish in the sea" ... .but from your own admission you have severe self esteem issues ... .and in order to be in a healthy, mutually respectful relationship you need to get that back to establish the very foundation of any relationship ... .so seek out that help, that guidance, that counseling ... .don't do it for anyone else but do it for yourself ... .

Know that you are important ... .know that you mean something ... .that you matter ... .

JQ

[tbddbt]

JQ,

Your words and advice are spot-on. It's much more helpful than advice I receive from family and friends. They keep trying to frame it in the context of typical relationships. Have you ever thought about becoming a therapist or psychologist?

The thing I wonder is that if we as codependent have a "white knight" complex, isn't that a personality disorder in and of itself?  How do we "unlearn" this behavior?  How can we step aside if we perceive someone is suffering?

[JQ]

JQ,

Your words and advice are spot-on. It's much more helpful than advice I receive from family and friends. They keep trying to frame it in the context of typical relationships. Have you ever thought about becoming a therapist or psychologist?

The thing I wonder is that if we as codependent have a "white knight" complex, isn't that a personality disorder in and of itself?  How do we "unlearn" this behavior?  How can we step aside if we perceive someone is suffering?

tbddbt,

Thank you for the kind words, I'm glad to hear that any words that I might share are able to help you and put things in perspective. As far as the therapist or psychologist, I'm seriously giving thought to getting a graduate degree in philosophy, I have a B.S. in Human Resource Management  ... .I'm also peace maker codependent ... .at least I was ... .after many hours of therapy, self awareness, introspection, I share what I've learned and if that helps in some small way, maybe it's the reason I went through what I did and found this forum to learn from and share with others.

In answer to your questions ... .the "white knight" complex ... .it's noble, you care and want to rescue those who need to be or you perceive to need rescued.  It's not so much a disorder ... .police officers, fire fighters, nurses, doctors, therapist, teachers, would all be considered in this category. It is a learned behavior ... .and we can start to "adjust" our own behavior by recognizing when we're about to be in a toxic relationship and say no.  A dear friend of mine is a Clinical psychologist.  I've asked her how do you not get emotionally involved in every case you deal with?  then she said ... .I can care about the person, recognize that he/she needs assistance ... .but the difference between me and someone who is a codependent is that I don't take on the responsibilities for, "their issues" ... .I don't take ownership of their issues. As a Clinical psychologist I assist those to accept and take responsibility for their own actions & behavior. And I've come to learn that is part of the therapy for someone who has BPD ... .they have to learn to accept the consequences of their own actions ... .good or bad as we all do.  A 3 year old will deny, or blame someone else just like the person who has BPD, usually the partner in the relationship.  Have you've ever heard a 3 year old say, "it's not me, it wasn't me, it was Suzy, it was Tommy, it just happened". And so a BPD has the same behavior.

SO, in order to prevent yourself from getting into another relationship with someone who has BPD ... .because as a codependent we are attracted to a BPD. It's amazing to look  back at my own life and see the relationships I had with more then one person who had BPD. It's almost an automatic thing we do.   There's a book, "the human magnet syndrome" that explains this. Someone who is a BPD and someone who is codependent are opposite ends of the personality spectrum.  As a direct result of their well-matched relationship orientations, codependents and emotional manipulators are irresistibly drawn to one another by what seems like an invisible, magnetic force. When they first meet, they are incased in a magnetic & seductive energy force that initially fulfills their need for love, but later develops into a on again, off again, push / pull relationship of love/pain and hope/disappointment.

With counseling, and learning to say NO ... .NO to mental abuse, NO to emotional abuse, NO to physical abuse ... .you will eventually learn to take care of yourself and rebuild your self esteem. Think about it ... .woman are attracted to a confident man ... .a man who has a lot of self esteem. Once you get that back and learn your behaviors then you'll find a woman who deserves the person you are. You deserve to be in a mutually respectful relationship. Don't get me wrong ... .it's a touch challenge to say no giving who we are, but with a good therapist you will learn. You are at a crossroads in your life ... .you are in a unique position that most will never get.  We have to learn to reboot ourselves, you are in a position that you realize that you have to learn and change to build a solid foundation ... .and i have no doubt that you can. My mother & sister are BPD, and they have tried for years to manipulate me ... .I've been fortunate to live out of state for the last 18 years and visited a handful of days in order to avoid confrontation.

My mother had health issues that I moved back for 7 months to help with. She tried to convince me to stay longer, but I could see where she was and had been manipulating me, the doctors and nurses ... .flat out lying in order to get what she wanted ... .she's always been like that. I saw that it wasn't going to end well if I stayed longer ... .I was starting to get those bad feelings again ... .so I told her I had to go live my own life, take care of myself that was long overdue that I had put on hold to take care of you. You are in a place where I can leave. She has since called and tried to convince me, "manipulate me" to move back ... .I'm not buying what she's selling. There is a way you can learn to say no, to push the responsibility back onto them ... .not unlike a child you're teaching about life, to take on and be responsible for their own action.

Example, my mom called to tell me she had drove her SUV through a portion of the garage and that she needed to come up with money for the deductible. "Spidy senses are starting to tingle". LOL.  Mom, doctors told you weren't suppose to be driving, so why did you drive? Where were you going that couldn't wait for someone to take you? Gee mom, that's to bad, so what is your plan to fix it? What is your plan to resolve this damage garage & SUV?  No I will not give you money, you were told NOT to drive.  It's like teaching a 16 year old to drive ... .you teach them about the laws of speeding, parking, lane changing and the consequences of not following the law. They get out on their own and get pulled over for speeding. they come home and tell you thinking that you will pay for their ticket ... .or somehow fix it. The responsible thing to do is NOT to. Ask them, did you know the speed limit? If not why not? So you knew you were speeding but decided to do it anyway? Then you face the judge, the fine, and the traffic court, traffic school. You're teaching them responsibility ... .you're teaching them to be an responsible adult. I'm dumbfounded that I have to teach my mom to be a responsible adult ... .but it's helped me deal with any relationship including someone who has BPD or a young child or teenager.

It's a lot of work ... .no doubt about it. I've had to really sit down and self reflect my own behavior ... .take responsibility for my own actions. But in the process I've learned that I'm NOT responsible for others actions or behavior. I'm NOT responsible for someone else happiness. I can help, suggest, guide others ... .but I will NOT take on their consequences for their bad behavior or actions ... .that's a learned behavior that I have to remind myself everyday ... .you don't "side step" as you suggest ... .you help others by teaching them to be responsible for their own actions, their own behavior. Like I said, I've had a lot of help along the way ... .it's hard to say no to a family member or someone you love ... .but in the end ... .you'll be better for it ... .and they'll be better for it.

I hope that explanation helps a little ... .

JQ

[tbddbt]

Thank you so much. You should definitely pursue that. I couldn't imagine having to grow up in a BPD household and then have a serious relationship with a BPD girlfriend. I guess your suffering can at least be put to use to help others. But I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.