Dealing with BPD like symptoms for almost 2 years

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

You're right. Thank you. We'll talk soon I'm sure.

[Brood]

You're right. Thank you. We'll talk soon I'm sure.

[Brood]

Wow so I can not get her to call me, she says there's no chance of talking today and probably not tomorrow... Wtf!

I've already initiated some kind of bad news and she's feeling the anxiety of not knowing what it is... .I'm so confused... Now I can't say anything to her because I don't want to hint at it over text at all... .

Is this more manipulation?

I can't help but be suspicious of her every action now...

Like finding a room away from her parents to talk to me would be that hard.

[rotiroti]

Wow so I can not get her to call me, she says there's no chance of talking today and probably not tomorrow... Wtf!

I've already initiated some kind of bad news and she's feeling the anxiety of not knowing what it is... .I'm so confused... Now I can't say anything to her because I don't want to hint at it over text at all... .

Is this more manipulation?

I can't help but be suspicious of her every action now...

pwBPD can be very intuitive. I think she saw that bad news is coming.

[Brood]

Her last text,

"I even gave a nice apology and everything and you're still being really weird"

I think if I let her stew on this she might call me? I don't think it's going to be good when she finally does though, she'll probably be brought to tears before she decides she can't wait any more. Maybe I should just stay silent until it happens?

What a nightmare.

[Brood]

I have to tell you guys what she has been saying... .I just, can't believe I have been so blind in the past. I'm pretty sure we are done talking tonight. Sorry 'texting'.

I'm going to stop texting back in the hopes her anxiety and depression drives her to call me. Anyways the transcript of the past few minutes... .

at 5:11

-B?

Yes M?

-I wont be able to call. Can you tell me whats wrong so I can stop worrying? My tummy is upset over it even. And Im bb!

-I even gave you a nice apology and everything and your still being really weird

-OK I tired, but I have had a long day. I cant stare at my phone anymore. Gnight.

No but you could call if you really wanted to.

-No, I cant

-I said I couldn't. And then I apologized profusely.

-I feel bad about it, yet you are being difficult.Good night B. Maybe tom

-Maybe tomorrow the stick from your ass will be removed.

-Thanks for making my day much harder than it already was.

I'm sorry for making your day more difficult and I understand how you must feel but when I ask to call me, that is what I want you to do.

-I already apologized B, but I cant. I refuse to feel bad about it anymore. I already tried to do what I could. Now good night, Im done with this, its pointless.

No. What I want is not pointless.

Nothing I want matters to you, does it? You really dont care...

-I didnt say what you wanted is pointless, I said me trying to help you within my means is pointless. And after all this, if you think that I really dont care, then I really have nothing else to way to you, do I?

-I nearly had a panic attack when you said you weren't ok, I postponed our dinner for a while to try to make sure everything was ok, I had to lie down, I couldnt enjoy the dinner that we had been planning since last year... .My mom was finally well enough to go today. But of course you think I dont care. So now, on top of creating stress and anxiety, you makeme cry and hurt my feelings. Leave me alone B.

Listen, I wont be guilt tripped M. I wanted to speak with you, youve done all that other stuff by yourself.

-Youre right. Its all my fault.

I have said nothing that should have hurt your feelings.

-You said I didnt care.

-I have been trying to show you that I do, and my reactions today should have been representative as well

You dont, if you did you would go through the risk to give me what I want. Instead you say no and follow it with a sorry.

That is not the same.

-Ok, we will just have to disagree on that then.

-I must not care then. And since that is the case I am finished communicating with you.

Im done b___ing about how she talks to me, Ive said everything Ive needed to throughout this thread at this point. I have grieved, vented, and you great people helped me through that. I am speechless. And now I am angry. I will wait for her to call and I might watch it go to voicemail. I dont want her coming at me screaming... Maybe Ill answer the second time. Maybe the third. It's fkd up but the panic attacks, the insults, the shame and guilt... .This whole time I was reserving the right to believe she could really be this pwBPD and as soon as I started learning these people's habits was the moment I saw what true qualities this person really has. I am pretty sure that bpdfamily has saved me, the person who I am and who I have always hoped I would stay. I love all of you for this, and I can't wait to be done so I can help others like me. Thank you.  

Ill post again if anything develops.

[klacey3]

:-( stay strong

[Brood]

Klacey!  Hey!

I think that many of us here have dealt with situations like the one you've described. I have certainly. I was just telling echo in pm how humbling it is when you wake up and start noticing how different our s/owBPD treats us in comparison to how we treat them.

I can't tell you how many times this girl would explode, blame all her anger and pain on me, abusively, and I was left sitting on the couch thinking to myself... What just happened? Like, do I matter at all? I never said this to her because of how sad SHE would get! My self respect was obviously very low during the course of our time together. Then I would be blamed for not tending to her pain. The guilt trips... Which makes me totally shrug off what was just done to me.

My whole two years with this girl was basically a repetition of brief happiness, mood swing, fight, I make up to her, and then back to brief happiness. Not only was this exhausting to deal with on a daily basis, every time it happened I hated her a little more. A little piece of my heart would flake off and be replaced with guilt. Last week I realized that the 'love' was gone and all that was left was pain and guilt for things I thought I DID WRONG. Ha!

I still feel like I love her, but in the past 12 hours even that has started to fade.

Also I wrote this in reply to what you had originally but I can see you never meant to post here. Since I type it on my phone though I'm just going to post anyways.

[Brood]

Its over, NC is starting now.

She wouldn't call me and demanded what I had to say over text so I told her. Even after she knew she wouldn't take my calls. Great, my only relationship ended by a text.

As depressing as that is, waves of relief are hitting me in the face. Which feels much better than her hands and fingernails.

Ill make a new thread if I have issues dealing with the NC. Thanks to everyone who helped, I would not be here without it.

 

[rotiroti]

You know as long as you said what *you* needed to say, I think the means of communication doesn't really matter. Stay strong and know we're here for you Brood.