My borderline-ex flirts with my best friend after a year after the break up

[lm911]

Hello again,

I have been patient for one week now, but since a week ago my ex has started flirting and trying to get on a date with my best friend, she even stalks him. She knows him for years, even before I met with her, and during our relationship she was never close to him. Why is she doing all this?

I want to say that I have not done anything and I have not write or show her that I do not like this thing. My friend has a girlfriend and he is very confused how to reject her.

My question is - Is she really wanting him, or she is just trying to make me angry and what should I do?

[rotiroti]

That sounds incredibly frustrating and confusing. How did you find out?

Are you guys currently in contact?

Does it matter what the answer to your question is? It sounds like it would elicit a response from you either way

[lm911]

When she meets us both, she starts flirting with him, and my friend tells me when she writes him or stalks him or walking next to him on the street in order to have a converaasion with him.

And no, we are in no contact. I am painted black for more than a year now.

Yes the answer matters. Moreover what should I do?

[apollotech]

My question is why hasn't your best friend put an end to her advances? That's his responsibility.

[lm911]

My question is why hasn't your best friend put an end to her advances? That's his responsibility.

He has politely rejected her attemps so far and he hasn't gone out with her or sth like that. He does not want to be rude.

[Pretty Woman]

Boundaries. These people lack em. Your friend needs to be vocal and more assertive.

What I've learned after dating a BPD is a lot of my friends are similar... .doormats. Some have grown with my experience others I've had to let go of because they weren't in alignment with me anymore.

Set clear boundaries and talk to your friend about boundaries. She will eventually go away when she sees her attempts are fruitless.

PW

[lm911]

Thanks, I have told him to be more direct and I really don't want to take actions to make her stop.

[apollotech]

My question is why hasn't your best friend put an end to her advances? That's his responsibility.

He has politely rejected her attemps so far and he hasn't gone out with her or sth like that. He does not want to be rude.

One does not have to be rude or mean to get their point across. Voices do not have to be raised, foul language does not have to be employed, tempers do not need to flare. I am pretty sure the "truth" about her actions would stop her dead in her tracks.

[valet]

Hey lm911, that seems like a pretty bold move, and I can understand why it would cause you stress.

My pwBPD did the same thing after our relationship ended. She immediately started courting one of my friends. That was painful, and it caused me a lot of unneeded anxiety. I kept questioning if my friend was better than me, or if their relationship would last longer than the one that I had with her.

The reality of the situation was that it didn't. A pwBPD has an unstable personality, driven by the lack of a complete 'self'. She is messaging your friend because that's what she honestly feels will make her happy.

This is from the radical acceptance thread, and it may help you to process what you're experiencing right now.

One way is to stop fighting things and defending yourself; to learn to let go and accept what is:  Radical acceptance.

When faced with a painful situation, you really have only 4 options:

* Solve the problem.

* Change how you feel about the problem.

* Accept it.

* Stay miserable; continue to be a victim.

So, you have four options. Which one do you think is best for you?

[lm911]

Accepntance of course. They won't be in a relationship or whatever, I was just asking what should I do - tell her to stop, or just ignore her pathetic attempts to get my atention and make me feel angry.

[valet]

Accepntance of course. They won't be in a relationship or whatever, I was just asking what should I do - tell her to stop, or just ignore her pathetic attempts to get my atention and make me feel angry.

Do you think that telling her to stop or ignoring her attempts would solve the problem?

From her perspective, it might seem like you were interfering to prevent her from being happy. I don't know how she would react, but if I were in that situation it might upset me. Ignoring the situation, on the other hand, might add additional stress to your life. What happens when you find out something that you don't want to know because you've been ignoring or trying to block it out?

It's ok to disagree. Acceptance is not agreement.

[lm911]

I just don't know. I can't think rational, that is why I opened this discussion, because I whatever I do or not, will not be from a clear mind. What advice could you give me?

[valet]

Yeah, I get that. It's hard to make important decisions when we are off balance emotionally.

When I feel a little bit off center, my main priority is to ground myself. There are a few tricks that I use to get back to that nice, calm, good decision-making place. Some of these sound silly, but they work. A good place to start would be to really concentrate on your senses. Touch something and describe how it feels to yourself. Drink a glass of water or something and really try to describe how it tastes. Look around the room and describe everything you see in as much detail as possible.

Another funnier one that I find works well for me is to imagine that all of the people involved in the situation and/or in the same room as me are... .chickens. Little chickens running around, just being themselves. I think that any animal will do. The humor of that tends to take the power away from the thoughts that I might have.