Possible enmeshment?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife has a very attached relationship with her son 30 who lives with us (he suffers with Paranoid Schiz and some effects from a stroke 11 years ago) the SZ took hold about 4 years ago and it is "under  control" with medication. A major part of some of my wifes relationship issues with me is the BPD traits but I also believe and have for a long time that her relationship with her son is unhealthy and it affects our marriage in a negative way. I finally found what I believe it is. I believe there are enmeshment issues going on with her and her son.

indicators of enmeshed relationships.

1. You neglect other relationships because of a preoccupation or compulsion to be in the relationship. (neglect of our marriage because she is consumed with the fact that her son has no female companion)

2. Your happiness or contentment relies on your relationship. ( she can be away from him for a few days but after that she begins having problems)

3. Your self-esteem is contingent upon this relationship. (her self worth seems to take a hit if she feels she cannot fix his problem)

4. When there’s a conflict or disagreement in your relationship, you feel extreme anxiety or fear or a compulsion to fix the problem. ( she gets bitter with other people that don't make a connection to her son which makes him feel he has no friends, it seems most of her decisions are based around trying to fix his problem)

5. When you’re not around this person or can’t talk to them, “a feeling of loneliness pervades [your] psyche. Without that connection, the loneliness will increase to the point of creating irrational desires to reconnect.” ( again she has a hard time being away from him for periods of time)

6. There’s a “symbiotic emotional connection.” If they’re angry, anxious or depressed, you’re also angry, anxious or depressed. “You absorb those feelings and are drawn to remediate them.” (she pretty much stays in the mood he is in)

the advice I am asking is should I bring this to her attention? I have in small ways but not with all of the things I have mentioned above. It's destroying her life and eroding our marriage and it is not helping her son.

Thanks for any advice

[byfaith]

My wife has a very attached relationship with her son 30 who lives with us (he suffers with Paranoid Schiz and some effects from a stroke 11 years ago) the SZ took hold about 4 years ago and it is "under  control" with medication. A major part of some of my wifes relationship issues with me is the BPD traits but I also believe and have for a long time that her relationship with her son is unhealthy and it affects our marriage in a negative way. I finally found what I believe it is. I believe there are enmeshment issues going on with her and her son.

indicators of enmeshed relationships.

1. You neglect other relationships because of a preoccupation or compulsion to be in the relationship. (neglect of our marriage because she is consumed with the fact that her son has no female companion)

2. Your happiness or contentment relies on your relationship. ( she can be away from him for a few days but after that she begins having problems)

3. Your self-esteem is contingent upon this relationship. (her self worth seems to take a hit if she feels she cannot fix his problem)

4. When there’s a conflict or disagreement in your relationship, you feel extreme anxiety or fear or a compulsion to fix the problem. ( she gets bitter with other people that don't make a connection to her son which makes him feel he has no friends, it seems most of her decisions are based around trying to fix his problem)

5. When you’re not around this person or can’t talk to them, “a feeling of loneliness pervades [your] psyche. Without that connection, the loneliness will increase to the point of creating irrational desires to reconnect.” ( again she has a hard time being away from him for periods of time)

6. There’s a “symbiotic emotional connection.” If they’re angry, anxious or depressed, you’re also angry, anxious or depressed. “You absorb those feelings and are drawn to remediate them.” (she pretty much stays in the mood he is in)

the advice I am asking is should I bring this to her attention? I have in small ways but not with all of the things I have mentioned above. It's destroying her life and eroding our marriage and it is not helping her son.

Thanks for any advice

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Remember that these kinds of traits used for diagnostics are to be used by professionals and in context. So, if this were the case, with a healthy 30 year old son, then it would not be what we would consider a "normal" mother-son relationship.

Developmentally, the mother-child bond is very enmeshed, and as the child matures, the expected pattern is towards more growth and autonomy, until the now grown child is an independent adult. However, serious illness, disability, or developmental delays can alter this pattern. Some children remain dependent. Emotionally, it is hard for a parent to complete the task of "letting go" with a vulnerable child.

A child with a serious problem does take a toll on a marriage. Frequently, it is the father who feels the mother is over involved. The mother may very well be, if she is scared. It is pretty scary to have a son with seizures. Fathers love their kids just as much, but if the marriage follows a traditional pattern, then it is the mother who has been feeding, dressing, caring for a child more of the time, and this creates a bond where the mother is very tuned in to the child's needs. I think most mothers remain so, and it is the child who moves on to take care of himself. Here, with this child, that process did not occur in the expected pattern.

The relationship may be enmeshed, but before judging it as such, the factor of the son's extreme disability needs to be considered. She may feel she needs to be this involved. For you to bring it up, she may feel you don't have the right to judge her, or "diagnose " her, especially since you are not the father of this grown child. It makes sense that you would be concerned about the impact this has on your relationship. Even if she didn't have BPD, it would impact it. This situation does impact marriages, however, a disabled child is a reality that you face, as a couple. This, IMHO, is something to take up with a counselor, and let the counselor make suggestions to your wife for ways she can separate some from her son.

[byfaith]

This situation does impact marriages, however, a disabled child is a reality that you face, as a couple. This, IMHO, is something to take up with a counselor, and let the counselor make suggestions to your wife for ways she can separate some from her son.

This statement sums up one of the main problems. My wife has already stated she will not go to any counselors or any support groups period. We try to tackle the issues together but when we run into a wall then there is no mediator to help us and she refuses. 

[Ceruleanblue]

Yeah, I feel my BPDh was in a totally enmeshed relationship with his adult kids. I think he'd also qualify for the drama triangle situation. It's gotten some better, but I'd bet he still fights not to get sucked back into the things on that list. He seemed to get all his self esteem from them, and it's almost like he felt they were one and the same person. I often wondered where he got his identity from prior to having had kids, it was that weird. His moods were swayed by their acceptance and approval, and he hasn't had that in a long time, so he's been worse.

I asked him to read up on enmeshment once, not telling him he was enmeshed, but saying it might help him. I've always told him what a good Dad he is, but boy, does he need some boundaries with these kids. He finally is sort of mildly enforcing some(or maybe just respecting their saying to "stay away", which I know hurts him too. He sees boundaries as punishment, no matter who explains it to him, be it me, his son or several therapists.

I'd always thought you have to let your kids grown up, but in enmeshed situations, it just seems like the parent needs to keep the kid infantilized or bonded for some reason of their own. For self serving reasons.