Am I being set up?

[ColdEthyl]

Last night my husband was talking about his upcoming 50th birthday in December. He has always told me he hates surprise parties and hates his birthday, so imagine my surprise when he says he wants a party. He said it's his 50th birthday and it's a big deal, so I should throw a party or make special plans.

Birthdays and special occasions are usually minefields for a pwBPD. I'm not sure if next week or next month he will say something totally different, but I won't know which "truth" is the truth. I don't want to waste my time setting up plans for a party, contacting friends, family etc etc only for him to say he doesn't want a big deal made after all. Or, I don't plan anything then he's hurt that i didn't plan anything.

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[satahal]

That sounds like a tricky set up for you!

The only things I can think of is to 1. come up with something very special that doesn't involve a bunch of guests, like hiring a private guide for a rock climbing adventure or a hot air balloon ride, or 2. Consult him every step of the way on party details that could be problematic and make sure he continues to be on board.

I know even with the best strategy if he wants to blow it up he will. I find my BPD always says he doesn't like b-days and doesn't want anything special and then feels victimized when I listen to him - he loves the attention of a party but generally finds something to be disappointed about - the grandness of my gift or who came or something said, etc.

[ColdEthyl]

Ugh I know this always feels like a dang trap

I'm thinking I might do a dinner and invite his family followed up by something special just the two of us.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi ColdEthyl,

From my experience with people who "hate" their birthday, it seems to be the opposite of what they really think.   

I think you are on the right track by making it intimate and special.

You know him best, what types of things would trigger him?

[ColdEthyl]

He has terrible social anxiety, and that includes time with his family. I think a dinner is a safe-ish bet so his family can be included but not for too long, and not in an intimate setting. The second part I'm researching ideas but I am looking at a trip to the shooting range or a murder mystery... .something intimate for the two of us but something different and memorable.

I wish his birthday wasn't in December, that hot air balloon idea would have been amazing! I might use that one for our Anniversary

[Ceruleanblue]

I think your idea is great, but I'd ASK him what plans he wants for you to make. I've sort of gotten used to covering all the bases, just so BPDh can't later put the blame onto me.

You'd still be making all the plans, but then you'd know you are going in the right direction, and if he really did want a party for once, he wouldn't end up disappointed. I sort of think my BPDh just waits for reasons to be disappointed or upset, so I go out of my way to avoid it when possible. Of course, he still finds way to do so, but if I've done my best to circumvent it, then I figure that's on HIM!

[ColdEthyl]

Hmm... .good idea. Keep him in the planning loop might help. He hates surprises (as far as I know) so that's probably for the best

[Grey Kitty]

No, it isn't a trap. He's not setting it to have an excuse to blow up at you when he's unhappy on his birthday.

However... .yes, it is likely to go south (BPD, remember? It is a special day with high expectations... .), and when it goes south, he's likely to blame you. (BPD again... .)



So plan something that will honor his desires and preferences, both the ones he states now, and what you know of him. And let go of any expectation of how he will receive/handle it at the time.

P.S. Don't combine the trip to the shooting range and the murder mystery into one event! :P

[specialized]

It'sone of those dammed if you do/dammed if you don't times and you can see it coming. Which ever way you go he will feel justified in telling you he was disappointed. (Hopefully not but we never know ... .)  maybe combine the best of both worlds like  have a suprise party at a restaurant with a small group. If it goes well invite them back for cake and continue having fun. If you get the vibe that its not going well have desert at the restaurant and come home and celebrate more intimately and explain that everyone cares and wanted to wish him a happy birthday so a restaurant was good because it'sonly a couple hours and the rest of his birthday Iis his own.   If it goes good no worries . But we both know there is no crystalball. Good luck 

[satahal]

Learning still - yes, I shouldn't have said it's a set up or excuse to blow up - from my experience with both my daughter and partner with BPD is there's a pervasive belief or expectation of disappointment, so instead of focusing on the nice things, they may look for the flaw or short coming and be unable to be happy with any of it.

One thing that consistently works with both of my pw BPD is the expensive gift - like the really expensive gift. For some reason both of them seem to truly feel appreciated if I get something on the grand side - maybe because it's not my usual thing, so that's the go-to now.

[maxsterling]

Agree with GK - while it is definitely a "no win" situation for you, I don't think he is intentionally setting you up to fail.  He sets himself up to fail.

My wife cannot let go of expectations and let life come as it does.  And the bigger the event, the more she feels crushed when an expectation is not met.  Part of the problem is that her expectations are impossible because they are based on feelings.  if she doesn't feel a certain way, the expectation is not met.  And since she is chronically depressed, it's impossible for her expectations to come true.

I'm also reminded of my mom - probably not BPD, but has many BPD-like behaviors.  One year on her birthday, my dad made plans to take her out to dinner.  Special table, cake for her, etc.  It wasn't supposed to be a "surprise party", just that my dad was to take her out.  Anyway, she woke up on her birthday, grumbled how nobody was going to do anything special for her, baked her own birthday cake, sung to herself, and went out and got fast food for dinner - by herself.  While I think she knew my dad had plans for the day, some how his plans did not meet her expectations and she went off.

My advice - plan something for him that is true to your heart which you think he will enjoy, don't stress too much over it, and if he doesn't like it, he doesn't like it.

[ptilda]

my uBPDh is similar. When he got his visa and came to the US for the first time, I planned a party for people to meet him and greet him for the first time. He was on-board with the party at first and the day of, he decided that it was my party and had nothing to do with him. I actually had to guilt him (before I knew about BP) into going and then he walked around with his head in his hands telling everyone he had a horrible headache (these headaches magically appear when he doesn't want to do something or talk about something) and left about an hour into it.

On the other hand, I surprised him in Haiti on our first anniversary (had his friend bring him to the bar at the new motel there and got a room for the night and showed up for 3 days). On our second anniversary, I almost didn't do anything because he was being so difficult, but he was being certified for his soccer referee position and had my nephew get him and bring him home where I had a romantic meal of his favorite food which I unsuccessfully prepared for him (we ended up throwing it out and he tried to show me later how to make it right). And when he went to Haiti for a week and came back the day after his birthday, We had decorated the house with a ton of "Welcome Home" and "Happy Birthday" balloons and streamers. While he hated the pre-planned party (even had huge anxiety at our wedding until he saw that his friend came through to make it really special), he loved the surprises. Partially because it was about he and I. There's something about having other people involved that makes him believe I'm just trying to show off for other people and exclude him... .weird, I know.

Anyhow, that's one of my BP experiences which may or may not be different from yours.

[ColdEthyl]

 samanthal "One thing that consistently works with both of my pw BPD is the expensive gift - like the really expensive gift. For some reason both of them seem to truly feel appreciated if I get something on the grand side - maybe because it's not my usual thing, so that's the go-to now."

Mine usually gets upset when I buy him things. However, with this being his 50th, I am having one of his favorite local musicians write a song just for him... .so if that's not grand, I don't know what is!

Grey Kitty "P.S. Don't combine the trip to the shooting range and the murder mystery into one event! :P"

Haha! Yeah I'll stay away from that! His birthday is on a Friday, so perhaps we will go away for the weekend. He loves to drive and travel... .the smaller the town the better.

Max "Agree with GK - while it is definitely a "no win" situation for you, I don't think he is intentionally setting you up to fail.  He sets himself up to fail."

You are right. I tend to forget that sometimes. I'll do my best and if he isn't happy... .oh well. I tried. I spend way too much time trying to figure out what I can do, when in reality what I CAN do is a lot less than I think it is.

Ptilda " I planned a party for people to meet him and greet him for the first time. He was on-board with the party at first and the day of, he decided that it was my party and had nothing to do with him. I actually had to guilt him (before I knew about BP) into going and then he walked around with his head in his hands telling everyone he had a horrible headache (these headaches magically appear when he doesn't want to do something or talk about something) and left about an hour into it."

I'm sorry that must have hurt a lot... .you trying to do this awesome nice thing and this happens. Yeah I know all about the magical illnesses that befall them when they don't want to do something, too. My husband's go-to is arthritis.

"There's something about having other people involved that makes him believe I'm just trying to show off for other people and exclude him... .weird, I know."

Makes sense to me. If it was physically possible for my husband to crawl up my rear end and live in there... .he would.

[satahal]

The song is awesome! Very, very inspired gift!