Dad just died & BPD/NPD family horrors intensify - help

[JulesC]

My en Dad passed away this afternoon. Supporting him to die at home has been huge undertaking the past 3 weeks but complicated a thousand times more by the family dynamic. I've historically been the scapegoat, uBPD mum, unpd (grandiose-type) bro. He's golden child & mummy's boy  & he has wrapped her round his finger through the death w charm & weird touchy feely attention. I've tried to just focus on dad, process my own stuff about him going & the confusion w him in my past, but resolved lots over many years in therapy and tried to just stay with caring for him as he's died.

Odd stuff has happened about power of attorney in the last week. Too complex to write here. But bro seems to have a hidden agenda. Want to control my mum's care, future, etc. Legally a new poa was drawn up a few days ago in the presence of a solicitor and signed giving bro & I equal powers & legally obligating enforcing joint decisions & signatures on everything. BUT, after my dad died this afternoon, the old poa turned up in a box w his birth certificate & my bro seemed v pleased!

My Dad dying in itself has been massive but has been completely overshadowed by bro's antics. I am shattered physically & mentally and wonder who else has been through this & what light you can shed on hidden agendas with siblings like this & BPD mums. Mine is 89, has dementia that's collided w BPD and hard to know where one begins and the other ends

[Suzn]

I'm really sorry to hear about you losing your dad Jules.    I'm glad to hear you were able to be there for him and resolve some of your confusion about the past.

It seems the passing of a loved one can bring out the worst in anyone with emotions running so deep. And with everyone processing differently, it's a difficult time. I have not been in your situation exactly however I have been through the loss of a grandparent many years ago and my family showed a side I had never seen before. I was only 16 so I was dumbfounded at the divisions that happened.

I can only assume, a poa drawn up recently would take precedence. It would be a good question for the legal board here if you find you need some advice in reference to that. 

Do take good care of yourself right now. It would be difficult to say how your brother is taking this, not to mention your mother with dementia. That alone is terribly hard.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. 

[keldubs78]

Please search through my most recent posts.  My enDad just died July 25 and the crazy of my BPD mother has pushed me to cut off contact.  I'm also wrecked completely I'm every way by watching the dad who I loved more than life itself weaken and die and on top of that dealing with my mother's behavior.  It has been horrible.  I am an only child and it's been very difficult.  I would be glad to talk to you about it.   I'm sorry for the loss of your dad  :'(

[Kwamina]

Hi JulesC

I am very sorry for your loss. It's never easy losing a parent, no matter how old they are.

It's very unfortunate that you in this time of mourning also have to deal with your brother's unpleasant behavior. That only makes this already difficult time even harder.

How are things now? How has your mother been behaving since your father's passing?