These text messages, tired of the way dd takes things. How to respond?

[somuchlove]

I guess I better re read my book,  I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better

I try to use all the wonderful skills I have learned here and are continually reminded of, which is so good.  I guess I still have the feeling I should be able to say the right thing that will turn on the light in her brain and make it all better.  Even though I don't have the guilt nor loose sleep over it much any more it is still so frustrating.  

My question is ( see below what happened today if you want to read)  :)o you ever just do or want to say,  GET OVER IT,  GET off your pity party,  or Say  You know  Every time I say something you see it different, in a negative.  I don't know what you want me to do.  OR  Say,  lets focus on what you have.   I know I know I know, that we are to reflect, let them know we are hearing them, empathy, let them figure it out, help them come to their own conclusions.  Sometimes she will say,  I wish someone would just tell me the truth,  it would have helped before instead of not being frank and telling her she needed to do things differently.  I don't know because she really doesn't like it if you don't agree with her.  

Today I got a text from dd saying she was so upset with ex.  ( which is a mess and totally not helping with children financially or spending time with them) DD now has support of ex. parents which is huge.  The children finally after months spent 2 nights with him but were left alone ( they are middle school age) except he was home late at night , left early morning both times.  He has no internet, and they are in the country so unable to get anywhere.  There was little food as well.  He had gone over 200 miles away each of those days helping so called friend.  This angered dd so I understand her mood, which then causes her to go off on lots of things.

I ask her if she had been in contact with his parents and were they still helping financially.  She said they don't want to deal with him any more.  Then she says,  i am asking to get her caught in lies because i already know they are sending money.  I responded that we hadn't talked to them except the couple times of which she knew we had called.  Then she said she would send a picture of the check or just send it to me.  Geeze  what in the world.?  then she went off on she is a piece of S___t.  no good, she can't trust anyone, i am probably texting and talking to everyone about her.  OH MY Gosh !   I know she feels trapped there and ex.  says he won't let her move where she can find a better job and not need as much help.  The text kept coming.

I guess sometimes I just want to say " get off your pity party,  Life for you is good right now. You have so much,  you are way to paranoid.  ( she takes everything negative instead of positive.)  I text her what would she be doing different if she didn't have to worry about her ex.  her response is nothing  I am a piece of S____T and can't take care of myself so why do you even ask.  I meant it to mean,  You don't  have to worry about him,  do what you want and move, etc.  he won't get any support from anyone and really doesn't want to be bothered with kids.  I think she is using him, no realizing it, as a partial excuse for not being able to become more independent.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi somuchlove,

It can become a free for all when something goes wrong in our BPDkids lives.

The all or nothing/black or white thinking takes over and they can see nothing good about anything... .anyone... .including themselves.

When my daughter does this I tell her "Let's focus on one thing at a time and work together to see what can be done".  The usual answer is "Nothing can be done, I give up".  When she was at Falcon Ridge she bought into the premise that for every problem there are at least 3 solutions... .so I use this phrase with her often.  I remind her that she has a choice in how she lives her life, responds to challenges, and how she views things. I also remind her that resentment and anger may be justified and then I ask... .are they helpful?

This process brings her to a more reasonable state of mind... .because 1. I validate her so she feels heard and understood.  2. I keep the problem where it belongs ... .with her.  3. I help her focus on one thing (problem/situation) at a time to make it manageable for her 4. I help her feel empowered and move from victim mentality to problem solving mode. 

I won't even go into the way this keeps me in a supportive position rather than a fixer/enabler/victim or how this promotes a healthier relationship for us because you know about all of that.

Have you seen this?  It's fairly new:  Adopt a Problem Solving Model