The Lonely Child and The Adult Self - The Struggle for Control

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

You'd honestly think that after dealing with my now third pwBPD that I would have gotten the drift? My lonely child is still so very much a part of me. Though I've cultivated an adult self, I struggle with which one takes control when things like this unfold.

IT IS AN ONGOING STRUGGLE THAT I FEEL MOST PEOPLE DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

I feel like I'm lost to the abyss of my damaged, altered psyche that developed from an abusive and traumatic childhood.

I want so bad to believe it is all him. He's the damaged one who was in the wrong. My adult self will believe this for a while and I will feel better, but then, after a while, the lonely child takes over and I will non-stop analyze things for hours. I will try to pinpoint where I went wrong. Why am I so unlovable? I will ask myself this and cry so hard that I can feel the pain even in the darkest corners of my soul, a place that takes my breath every time it is felt. Why can't I find someone to love me? Why must they all leave or reveal themselves to be hurtful people with hidden agendas? Why do I deserve to be met with horrible people, one after the other? What is so wrong with me to not have been in a mutually loving and respecting relationship, while I watch so many people find those kinds of relationships, when I always give my all and I'm 100% vulnerable?

I feel locked in a prison cell. The keys are nowhere to be found. It's like no matter how hard I try to break out - by developing an adult self - the lonely child will always be a part of me. She is broken. I am broken and I feel like life is one big struggle where I can never seem to get my head above water long enough before someone else - who is severely disordered - comes my way and drowns me all over again.

It is in this that I see the flipped coin side of BPD. Those we try to love, push us away and thus, hurt themselves and keep themselves from the love and intimacy they need. We, desperately cling to those who will never accept our love and intimacy, hurting ourselves and keeping ourselves away from people who can give us the intimacy and love we need. We are very alike, and yet, so very different, which is what I pretty much said in the last message I sent him over a month ago. It was a quick pulling away, followed by false assurance, and then a complete ignoring of me. After one ignored message, I sent a final one two days later and set a boundary for being ignored. The consequence of him not wanting to communicate or work on things without playing this push/pull game? I would move on with my life and that's what I'm trying to do, but I can't get him out of my head and I can't get his complete, sudden ignoring me out of my head either.

How can someone just drop me from their life like that? How can someone go from saying he liked me, liked what we had, thought we could have something great, and that he wanted to continue talking... .to blatantly cutting me out of his life with no reason?

It is a pain that is insurmountable. It is a knife to the chest of the already gaping hole that is my abusive childhood. How can someone who understands the pain be so selfish to cause me unnecessary pain?

I try to stay positive and remind myself that I'm on the winning side of this "flip coin." I can love. I can get close. I just always let in the people who don't deserve it. People who I think I can win over, save, and get to love me, thus feeling that void of an abusive parent in childhood who never loved me unconditionally. It was always based on conditions. Yet, the unconditional love I search for always seems to have these same conditions too. The lonely child wants love so bad that she will stay with someone who says that she can push them away a.k.a. if she's not perfect, they will run. Why? Because growing up, she was always held to a condition for love. If she didn't meet the conditions, she didn't receive love.

I really don't want this to be a depressing post, but I'm just wanting to bear my heart and soul. What's sad is that I realize all of this and I see it. BUT... .

IT IS NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO CHANGE WHAT WAS INGRAINED IN ME FOR 20 YEARS BEFORE I WOKE UP AND GOT AWAY FROM MY ABUSIVE MOTHER.

People don't understand. They think I can just flip a switch and feel better. Flip a switch and see that I'm worth loving. Flip a switch and be okay.

It took the first 20 years of life to recognize what was wrong. Surely it has to take time to fix it.

I just don't know how much more time I can take as I sit alone in this big house, 23, and very lonely.

I long for someone to call and ask about my day.

I long for someone to bring dinner over and us relish each other's companionship.

I long for cuddling and sweet gestures.

I long for trusting someone with my heart.

I long for the day that I will be proven that someone out there can love me the way I love them.

I long for the day that I am released from this hellish prison that I didn't ask for.

I didn't ask to be abused or mistreated and the fact that my BPD mother is the reason I can't seem to escape this is a hard pill to swallow, even if I terminated her from my life. Why life is so unfair is something I struggle with. Sometimes, I want to give up. Sometimes, I want to relinquish everything I've worked for and the good man I'm holding out for and just abandon that seemingly childish dream of finding a respectful and loving partner... .by sleeping with and being with people to feel the void. At least then I would feel some sort of love, instead of the darkness that becomes my life when I do the right thing and stand up for myself and what I tell myself I deserve.

That's the irony... .I am alone if I settle and allow myself to be with people who treat me like dirt and I am alone if I stand up for myself and walk away when people mistreat me.

Life has been nothing but a struggle. Sometimes, I just don't know if the struggle is worth it. When will my happy ending come? Do they even exist? Perhaps I've been chasing a sad, childish dream?

The battle between the hurt child and the adult self rages on... . 

[misssouthernbelle]

You'd honestly think that after dealing with my now third pwBPD that I would have gotten the drift? My lonely child is still so very much a part of me. Though I've cultivated an adult self, I struggle with which one takes control when things like this unfold.

IT IS AN ONGOING STRUGGLE THAT I FEEL MOST PEOPLE DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

I feel like I'm lost to the abyss of my damaged, altered psyche that developed from an abusive and traumatic childhood.

I want so bad to believe it is all him. He's the damaged one who was in the wrong. My adult self will believe this for a while and I will feel better, but then, after a while, the lonely child takes over and I will non-stop analyze things for hours. I will try to pinpoint where I went wrong. Why am I so unlovable? I will ask myself this and cry so hard that I can feel the pain even in the darkest corners of my soul, a place that takes my breath every time it is felt. Why can't I find someone to love me? Why must they all leave or reveal themselves to be hurtful people with hidden agendas? Why do I deserve to be met with horrible people, one after the other? What is so wrong with me to not have been in a mutually loving and respecting relationship, while I watch so many people find those kinds of relationships, when I always give my all and I'm 100% vulnerable?

I feel locked in a prison cell. The keys are nowhere to be found. It's like no matter how hard I try to break out - by developing an adult self - the lonely child will always be a part of me. She is broken. I am broken and I feel like life is one big struggle where I can never seem to get my head above water long enough before someone else - who is severely disordered - comes my way and drowns me all over again.

It is in this that I see the flipped coin side of BPD. Those we try to love, push us away and thus, hurt themselves and keep themselves from the love and intimacy they need. We, desperately cling to those who will never accept our love and intimacy, hurting ourselves and keeping ourselves away from people who can give us the intimacy and love we need. We are very alike, and yet, so very different, which is what I pretty much said in the last message I sent him over a month ago. It was a quick pulling away, followed by false assurance, and then a complete ignoring of me. After one ignored message, I sent a final one two days later and set a boundary for being ignored. The consequence of him not wanting to communicate or work on things without playing this push/pull game? I would move on with my life and that's what I'm trying to do, but I can't get him out of my head and I can't get his complete, sudden ignoring me out of my head either.

How can someone just drop me from their life like that? How can someone go from saying he liked me, liked what we had, thought we could have something great, and that he wanted to continue talking... .to blatantly cutting me out of his life with no reason?

It is a pain that is insurmountable. It is a knife to the chest of the already gaping hole that is my abusive childhood. How can someone who understands the pain be so selfish to cause me unnecessary pain?

I try to stay positive and remind myself that I'm on the winning side of this "flip coin." I can love. I can get close. I just always let in the people who don't deserve it. People who I think I can win over, save, and get to love me, thus feeling that void of an abusive parent in childhood who never loved me unconditionally. It was always based on conditions. Yet, the unconditional love I search for always seems to have these same conditions too. The lonely child wants love so bad that she will stay with someone who says that she can push them away a.k.a. if she's not perfect, they will run. Why? Because growing up, she was always held to a condition for love. If she didn't meet the conditions, she didn't receive love.

I really don't want this to be a depressing post, but I'm just wanting to bear my heart and soul. What's sad is that I realize all of this and I see it. BUT... .

IT IS NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE TO CHANGE WHAT WAS INGRAINED IN ME FOR 20 YEARS BEFORE I WOKE UP AND GOT AWAY FROM MY ABUSIVE MOTHER.

People don't understand. They think I can just flip a switch and feel better. Flip a switch and see that I'm worth loving. Flip a switch and be okay.

It took the first 20 years of life to recognize what was wrong. Surely it has to take time to fix it.

I just don't know how much more time I can take as I sit alone in this big house, 23, and very lonely.

I long for someone to call and ask about my day.

I long for someone to bring dinner over and us relish each other's companionship.

I long for cuddling and sweet gestures.

I long for trusting someone with my heart.

I long for the day that I will be proven that someone out there can love me the way I love them.

I long for the day that I am released from this hellish prison that I didn't ask for.

I didn't ask to be abused or mistreated and the fact that my BPD mother is the reason I can't seem to escape this is a hard pill to swallow, even if I terminated her from my life. Why life is so unfair is something I struggle with. Sometimes, I want to give up. Sometimes, I want to relinquish everything I've worked for and the good man I'm holding out for and just abandon that seemingly childish dream of finding a respectful and loving partner... .by sleeping with and being with people to feel the void. At least then I would feel some sort of love, instead of the darkness that becomes my life when I do the right thing and stand up for myself and what I tell myself I deserve.

That's the irony... .I am alone if I settle and allow myself to be with people who treat me like dirt and I am alone if I stand up for myself and walk away when people mistreat me.

Life has been nothing but a struggle. Sometimes, I just don't know if the struggle is worth it. When will my happy ending come? Do they even exist? Perhaps I've been chasing a sad, childish dream?

The battle between the hurt child and the adult self rages on... . 

[vortex of confusion]

 

As I read your post, I found myself relating to a lot of it.

There is a FB page that I follow that is really wonderful. It documents and shares resources about somebody that is overcoming childhood dysfunction. It is called Emerging from Broken. Two posts came across my feed recently.

One is called the Ten Commandments of Dysfunctional Families: www.ministryhealth.net/mh_articles/064_ten_commandments_of_dysfunctional_families.html

There were so many things there that I recognized from my childhood. My husband also experienced a lot of the same things in his childhood. As a result, neither of us knew any better. The only way to work on avoiding crappy relationships is to acknowledge the pain and work through it. And try to surround yourself with people that have been there done that and are willing to hold your hand.

That leads me to the next post that really spoke to me is one called The Best Advice for the Healing Journey:

www.emergingfrombroken.com/the-best-advice-for-the-healing-journey-by-christina-enevoldsen/

One of the best quotes from the above article is:

No, I didn’t need advice. Opinions or information aren’t what healed me. Human connection was where I found healing—connections that encouraged me to reconnect with myself—my own experience, my own emotions, my own expression. The best advice isn’t advice at all: it’s the permission to merely be by being with me. - See more at: www.emergingfrombroken.com/the-best-advice-for-the-healing-journey-by-christina-enevoldsen/#sthash.E5dmMVfx.dpuf

The more I find people that I can talk to that don't try to tell me what to do or how to do it, the better I feel. The more I find people that have been there and done that and are walking along the path of healing, the better I feel. It is still difficult and it is still a pain in the butt. I have recently found a couple of really good support people that are willing to listen to me and just be with me and talk to me without trying to tell me what to do and without trying to feed into the dysfunction. They can validate me while still pushing me to reconnect with myself. It is weird to call somebody and be able to say, "Hey, I am feeling out of sorts and I just need a human voice to help me reconnect with myself." I am used to being strong at all costs and sometimes it is scary to try to work through this stuff and actually be able to talk to another human being that doesn't make fun of me or act like I am less than because I am not perfect.

[Suzn]

My lonely child is still so very much a part of me. Though I've cultivated an adult self, I struggle with which one takes control when things like this unfold.

This child will always be a part of you. She is your sadness, your anger, your pain, your past hurts, etc... .This is where she speaks, or screams at you, we want to pay attention to these emotions. How can we take control of who's in control, the adult or the child?

Have you considered sitting down with your inner child and having a conversation? Sound silly? It's really not.

My conversation started with "I'm listening, and "I" am here to protect you now." Any time you feel hurt or angry this inner child has been triggered. We can learn coping skills to self sooth (sooth her) so that out of control emotions (the child) don't control our lives . We can learn "adult" coping skills such as determining what our values are so that we can set boundaries for ourselves so that we can persevere when things get difficult.

I feel like I'm lost to the abyss of my damaged, altered psyche that developed from an abusive and traumatic childhood.

This is your negative self talk taking charge. It's lying to you. Our negative voice loves using words like lost, damaged and traumatic. We can chose to replace these words with more centering words such as learning, progress and human.

Why can't I find someone to love me?

When we are looking for someone to love us we are leaving out the most important person, us. When we take steps towards self care we are loving ourselves, we are putting ourselves (our inner child) first. Self care is determining what our needs are and providing them for ourselves. First. What do you need right now?

I feel locked in a prison cell. The keys are nowhere to be found. It's like no matter how hard I try to break out - by developing an adult self - the lonely child will always be a part of me. She is broken. I am broken and I feel like life is one big struggle where I can never seem to get my head above water long enough before someone else - who is severely disordered - comes my way and drowns me all over again.

The key is inside you. It's the inner child who needs to be heard and nurtured. Build a relationship with her, she needs to trust you will be there for her. Nurture her needs and you nurture yours. This is re-parenting.

Just because someone comes along doesn't mean we have to quickly jump in head first. Learning what a healthy relationship looks like can help.

Characteristics of Healthy Relationships

The battle between the hurt child and the adult self rages on.

As long as it's a battle, the child will always win. What normally tends to happen when you battle with a child?

What does a child need? Love, patience, guidance and understanding, compassionate discipline.  

[misssouthernbelle]

Thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I really am going to try talking to my inner child and seeing if that helps. It's funny how it's not something you really think of off the top of your head, but I can see how it would be beneficial. I hope she listens and let's the pwBPD go. I don't want to waste my life miserable when I have so much to give and so much life to live.