Hope to find non-BPD partner so I can stop obsessing?

[valueachild]

Is there anyone out there who left their BPD partner and stopped recycling their ex?  I am desparate to find hope so I can move on. 

        Here is my story:  I only recently realized that I'm Co-dependent and all my adult r/s have been with BPD men. I am now 54. Raised 4 children from marriage to first BPD who was truly a bad guy and it was easy to leave. Spent 12 yrs essentially celibate, very attractive, single parent focused on being the one good parent for my children.  Along comes BPD #2. He swept me off my feet when I was vulnerable and having struggles with my teens.  I caved, fell madly in love, and it was wonderful and no comparison to my ex-husband, until the problems started.  It felt like he couldn't let go of an ex... 3 yrs in he sent me a text "How do I unlove someone" three days before a hearing to get paternity after having fathered a child with a married woman (his ex) and I was dumbfounded.  Told him to get help or I was gone. I didn't understand how he could be in love with me and still have these feelings for her... .because of her my trust would come and go in our r/s because she got preg. and trapped him years before we met and the little girl was always a pawn for his ex to see him (she is BPD and pscho for sure).  He said he never wanted her but when we met... he said she wouldnt leave her husband and she broke up with him, which always made me unsure of our relationship... .she has no hobbies in common with him and he always told me that she wasn't someone he wanted... but his ex-wife told me their affair was what broke up their marriage and he had impulsive wild sex with her even to the point he almost lost his job when he had sex with her at the highschool where he works... so it was like a sex addiction for him.

       Anyway... .about the time of the paternity hearing and my ultimatum he got into therapy which was back in 2012.  It appeared to have helped and then he wanted to buy my house I was renting from my parents and move in together, etc... .I let him move into a mother-in-law apartment he built for me since he wasn't talking marriage and he paid me rent.  He wrote me a letter telling me the life he wanted with me... .etc... describing everything but marriage. BTW... would tell me daily that he loved me, bought me gifts, made things for me, went with me on business trips... took care of me... but describing our future Not in marriage terms was enough for me to kick him out. 

      He impulsively bought a house the next day and didn't even do a background check on it.  It turned out to be a contaminated former Meth house on a nice piece of property for horses, but he would have lost ALL his money.  I rescued him once again then helped him find another house... this time a find on 6 acres.  He moved in and we continued the "his house-her house" relationship however at that point I started distancing myself.

    I didn't mention the fact that he would get drunk about 2-3x a year and sometimes went out of town with his school district duties and would never know if I could trust him. He quit his union school activities shortly after a woman he met at a convention started sexting him and he said he only "walked her back to her hotel" and I was fuming... and did make decisions for our r/s but it never seemed to be moving forward and the occassional binges (2-3x) a year which prompted him to go to counseling with me... always brief and it ended... and the rages which would come out of no-where... a few times he choked me... suffocated me... etc... was enough that I started telling myself I needed to leave.  A year ago he gave me an inquisition accusing me of cheating on him... then two weeks later we went on vacation.  On the return he didn't want me to go with him to return his daughter to the ex.  Then when he got home he bought a bottle of whiskey... locked the doors and got drunk. When I returned to his house to help us unpack... he got in the house and he was drunk on the recliner.  I confronted him about why he was doing this and he needed to get help. I believe now he had resumed his affair with baby mama and he was struggling with guilt.  I said i was leaving and he grabbed me and put me in a choke hold strangling me until I got away fell to the floor and fled.  I hid out until all the lights were out in the house and I could return for my keys and leave.  I didn't call 911 which was my biggest mistake.  I gave him 6 mo to get help (still now knowing what the hell was wrong with him as I thought it was just the alcohol). He made no effort that I know of so after 6 mo.

    On a business trip last Jan. I blew up at him and that night he started the online dating bc he knew I was done.  I tried an intervention with an alcoholism expert as a last attempt (still not knowing he was BPD)  I  got family and friends involved and let them know.  His alcoholic parents who refused to help told him and that torpedoed my attempt at an intervention. Then he wrote a letter telling me that HE was breaking up with me after 6 years and makes no mention of his drinking, rages, problems and only says that he is mad that I went to his family (making me all black) etc... so March and April were stonewalling, raging, and pushing me away while screaming that he loved me.

     I went right to his ex-wife who told me he had been violent with her, we shared for 2-3 hours including everything about his affair with baby mama.  She told me to get a TRO which I did.  He hired a hot shot attorney at the hearing, however I had a video I made during one of his rages... .the judge threw out the video bc he said we are a 2-party consent state and I didn't give him consent to film.  Judge denied my request for an Order of Protection stating that he was convinced that my ex was just yelling at me and I was mad for the BU and just wanted to take revenge on him and embarrass him.  His co-worker of 15 years called me and told me that I could to better and that he knew my ex well and that he kept a secret sex diary at work, was always scoping women, and he was scewed up and I could do better.  My ex ALWAYS was attentive and wanting to please me and did everything apart from his BPD issues to make me happy. 

      During the majority of our time together incl all our mutual hobbies... it was incredible... .very addictive ... .sex was amazing... .  one month post the end of the hearing and I've had NC with him.  He came to a Contra dance we always went to as a couple and wanted to see and talk to me but I was afraid and left.  I learned that he found a woman online within a week of our BU from another state and his co-worker said that he bought plane tickets to go see her.  I felt the need to warn her so I contacted her on FB and her neice called me.  I sent her the video of his abusive rage, and told her he was addictive and dangerous an alcoholic... the neice told me it as too late... that her aunt was already hooked.  For the last few months I've been in counseling and discovered on my own with hours of reading and online searching that my ex has all the traits of a BPD. We both are insecurely attached and have early childhood abuse issues... his much much worse than mine. 

     I've been greiving and my head tells me I'm 54 and that this is not what I want... its no example to my adult children... .but my problem is that I'm so incredibly sad, weeping, crying all the time, and telling myself that I'll NEVER be able to find someone like my ex who idolized me and was so attentive to me and loved me like he did when it was good.  I found out that he is back with his origianal therapist but I don't believe she has diagnosed him with BPD and I think hes just needing help with recovery from Psycho #3 (me) having learned thats what his family is calling me now.  Has anyone moved on after recovery from Codependency and is it possible to have the intensity and "in love" feelings from our brains to be in a r/s with a Non-BPD person.  I have spent hours and days reading on the message boards and I'm desparate to meet someone, anyone, who can tell me how they recovered and moved on to a NORMAL healthy r/s and it wasn't BORING and they were HAPPY.  ANyone?

[valueachild]

  I should add... .I know that if I were to contact him that he we would recycle... I'm having trouble b/c I keep analyzing this to death b/c I know now his problem... the fear of abandonment and my distancing was most of the problem in our r/s.  I would always distance myself which brought about his fear of abandonment and caused him all the BPD traits.  I had no idea that my behavior was causing his behavior.  I believe he is sincere and just wanted to be in a close r/s with me... but I always pushed him away b/c of my own trust issues and it was a circle dance we did continually!  Now that I KNOW what BPD is... why couldnt I contact him and without mentioning the word BPD see where he is at?  What are the chances?  He doens't have a good support network... most of his family are lower class and quite dysfunctional but he does have a few family members who are in recovery for alcoholism, etc... .I just can't seem to let go... .and am dying to talk to him one last time.

[rotiroti]

I have spent hours and days reading on the message boards and I'm desparate to meet someone, anyone, who can tell me how they recovered and moved on to a NORMAL healthy r/s and it wasn't BORING and they were HAPPY.  ANyone?

How do you envision what a normal r/s looks like? What are some qualities that you look for in a partner?

As for the boring part, how do you define that for yourself? The drama I dealt with a pwBPD could certainly be very addictive. I think there was a point where I subconsciously preferred high intensity over boredom, I would never want that now.

[valueachild]

How do you envision what a normal r/s looks like? What are some qualities that you look for in a partner?

As for the boring part, how do you define that for yourself? The drama I dealt with a pwBPD could certainly be very addictive. I think there was a point where I subconsciously preferred high intensity over boredom, I would never want that now.

Well I actually have a list of qualities where before I didn't which is a start!  My problem is that if he is tall and has a deep voice and is the shy sensitive type... I'm all over them!  This time around I still want a physical attraction but its going to be about CHARACTER... .and similar backgrounds... .although tonight I was thinking about dating European men bc I think they tend to treat women better than american men... and I think european parents are much more loving and attached and protective of their infants than americans... .which is where these pathologies originate. 

[OnceConfused]

Valueachild:

Your problem will recur again if you have not learned about the past r.s.

All I have heard are how bad your past r.s were. I have not heard about how you have changed and how will you apply your lessons from the past so that the future r.s can be lasting.

[valueachild]

Valueachild:

Your problem will recur again if you have not learned about the past r.s.

All I have heard are how bad your past r.s were. I have not heard about how you have changed and how will you apply your lessons from the past so that the future r.s can be lasting.

I must be getting some kind of reward for being with men who have anger issues.  My first marriage, he was just a BAD guy with BPD.  The divorce was horrific and I fought back and won a landmark DV case.  This time, the guy I was with for 6 years was a sweetheart with a gentle spirit most of the time... .when he felt his needs weren't getting met or I distanced myself from him (Before I had a clue about the BPD) he would get drunk and/or rage at me and it was bazaar.  I NEVER reacted to it and only left.  I never even called 911. It only happened 2-3x a year but I knew that I couldn't marry him since I knew it would get worse without treatment.  I drew a line in the sand and of coarse he ignored anything I said and instead broke up with me and was oblivious to any of my concerns... .then he told everyone!  I got a restraining order that he fought.  What have I learned?  I'm wondering if I'm unconsciously attaching to someone with an anger issue bc I'm trying to FIX my angry borderline mother.  I'm wondering if litigating is punishing her?  Could that be it?  What I want to do is find out is since our split if he is committed to changing (doubtful) with or w/o me and/or how I would go about asking him.  If I reconciled with him... I would have to accept him as is and I couldn't without that kind of committment.  What percentage of borderlines had partners do this?  Will have to ask in another post... .Could I be right?

[OnceConfused]

sorry, what i meant was :

What lesson did you learn from the past r.s and how did you apply the lessons so that the same things would not happen again?

It does not matter what your mom did or these men did. They are who they are.

What I am trying to say is :

You cannot solve the problem with the same mind that created it.

You have got to change your paradigm.

Until you know why you are initially attracted to these men and why you continue to attach even when the abuse started, you will continue to fall on the same track before.