Strange - i cried tonight for the first time...

[seang]

... .the first time since we argued and split, and i was split BLACK, 5 weeks ago!  And you know what?  I don't think its out of loss or grief.  I think its partially compassion and relief, coming to understand this condition...   Its really hard to explain, because i love the woman immensely, but i just feel empty, numb, a little aloof... .and like i said, relieved. 

I tried for a few weeks getting answers for the most recent cycle, push/pull, the "break".  They didnt come, just more grief and blame.  I started reading up 2 months before the end researching Bpd as was suggested, but kind of made excuses for her because of it, whilst i think slowly prepping myself for the inevitable.  Then, and i hope this isnt a lapse, its seems to have all sunk in.  In a few days.  With 7 days NC and 5 weeks apart.  Its over.  It was nothing when it was there, and its a nightmare to consider re-connecting as is and going forward.  I know some will say you werent that attached then.  I was.   I was in deep with this girl, and i use the term girl openly.  I am a helper to some extent.  But im also a reader, a thinker, a wanter of knowledge and answers.  And that pursuit, started months ago, i think has helped me deal with this.  On a more rational level.   Well that and the last PD girl i know. .

I know im gonna go wek at some point, but right now i feel good.  I feel me.

Peace to all.  Just wanmted to share.

[sas1729]

Hey,

I just wanted to say that I don't think your experience is all that strange. In fact it sort of mirrors my own experience. I am over eight months out. I too began learning about BPD in the months before I broke up with my BPDex. My ex was undiagnosed, but based on my stories my therapist was convinced that she had BPD. Reading more about it convinced me as well. Finding out about BPD and matching the traits to my ex's behaviour was in a sense a relief. It was as though the search for an understanding was over. I had the framework to understand what was going on, from a theoretical point of view.

And over the course of those months something changed. I knew it had to end. All of the evidence pointed to that. And the relief associated with finally learning that I'm not alone in experiencing the non's perspective helped me to let go emotionally. So when the end came, and I initiated it, I felt like I was liberated and free. I cried. But I did not cry solely because I missed her (I did miss her), but also from a profound sense of relief. I wasn't jumping for joy, but there was a distinct sense of freedom that I hadn't felt for a long time.

So yes, I think I understand what you're going through. I did love my ex (although I don't think it was really love). I felt like love at the time, so there was the pain associated with that. But still, I remember relief. I think it's partially because you and I both learned about BPD leading up to the end, so we had some time to process that information as the end approached.

[seang]

Just wish Id have initiated it.  I threatened it.  Maybe that was the trigger for her.  :)ump before dumped. (abandonment).  Bit im still feeling kinda good she did it now.  

Everything else you write rings true, so us.  I think it definately helps if you have a gut instinct, even if you dont run, or the vision to see it just aint right.  And look into it.  

im by far thru this yet, im not that arrogant, but im moving forward, without a doubt.  Things are changing.

:-)

thanks man

[SGraham]

Yeah random stuff gets me. The other day a lyric from pink floyd's the final cut totally blindsided me by how much it related to my situation. Hey at least it was a relief cry.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Yeah, I feel like I'm going to need to cry here soon too.  There are these certain things I will remember about my exBPD that make me feel like I'm still in love with him, but I now realize that this is the same man who sent me the scary letter today, and I can't separate the two. 

It is sort of like when you get in a car accident and every time you drive you feel like someone is going to hit you.  Now I keep looking at people doing online dating and I keep seeing sociopaths and psychopaths and narcissists and borderlines.  I wonder sometimes if I will ever get the feeling of "falling in love" again because it feels so toxic to me now.

[SGraham]

I wonder sometimes if I will ever get the feeling of "falling in love" again because it feels so toxic to me now.

Couldn't relate more, thats actually my biggest fear at this point. Well i hopw it passes for both of us.