What still surprises me, is the fact that our family are banned from seeing her three children and carries it through. And then attacks us as grandparents and aunts because we don't see them.
I wonder if it's more
her feeling lonely and wanting someone,
anyone, to keep her company and make her feel less lonely.
Could that be the case here, or is it off? If I'm right, of course she wouldn't want her kids to go and have fun with you and her to be 'left in the dust'... .(I have seen this with my step-daughter, but I may be wrong on this regarding your DIL)
In general, my SD gets jealous if we give our attention to the kids, and uses them as pawns against us (keeps them away), but has been known to cut communication with us and then accuse us that we don't care about the kids. The reality is, it's about her, not the kids... .
She has now talked so much about this my son has stopped talking to us. Not sure he is in survival mode, but the things she said to my daughter about my sons feeling is not repairable in his eyes. I am ready to just stop trying to have them in my life.
Do you feel like you have been trying "too hard"? Maybe it is a good time to take a break and to focus on your own life, finding your balance and the things that make you happy... .
Relationship with a person w/BPD can feel very one-sided, and it can be a draining experience. Finally getting off the roller-coaster feels SO good.
But eventually, we start missing them (or the idea of them, anyway). They are our kids, after all. And if there are grandkids, then it's even more true.
It's ok to feel done, it's ok to feel drained. It's likely to change in the future, though. And when you have more energy, and desire, you can read-up more about BPD and how to best navigate the interactions to protect your own sanity, your dignity, the peace of your home, and hopefully stay connected... .
Does that make sense?