Worried for my son

[understandnow]

My Dil with BPD traits and son with BPD traits are both spiraling down from a twisted story that is too long to get into here.  My question is I have been setting boundaries with both of them.  My Dil is to the point that she knows she can't get to me with her attacks and now she is starting to attack my daughter (30yrs) and telling her lies.  She was saying hurtful things my son says about us.  My son is mad at me because I retreated from an attack on me.  I used all the right things I learned from this site.  I even gave him a time when we could talk again.  he said he was done with me because I don't care and I don't want to talk to him (at the time he was attacking me. ) I just told him that it was his decision and that he was welcomed any time.  I am fighting the FOG and I heard from my Dil that he is near ending his life and Its my fault because I don't care.  Should I contact him because I am worried about his mental state.  I feel it is a classic case of manipulation but I don't want to feel guilty if he does something so drastic. He is emotionally fragile right now but won't go to a therapist.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Hello understandnow,

It is difficult to make decisions when the stakes are so high... . 

I am fighting the FOG and I heard from my Dil that he is near ending his life and Its my fault because I don't care.  Should I contact him because I am worried about his mental state.  I feel it is a classic case of manipulation but I don't want to feel guilty if he does something so drastic.

The best way to deal with our loved ones is to "respond, not react".

Both jumping in and rescuing your son emotionally, OR staying away completely because you feel a pressure would be reacting.

If you can step away from the pressure and think of what you would ideally want to do, considering that your son is feeling very low, you will come up with the best response.

What would that look like? What sounds natural to you? Perhaps a short text: "Been thinking of you today. Love, mom."?

My question is I have been setting boundaries with both of them.  My Dil is to the point that she knows she can't get to me with her attacks and now she is starting to attack my daughter (30yrs) and telling her lies.  She was saying hurtful things my son says about us.

Setting boundaries is a good thing and it does tend to heat the situation up for a while. It looks like your daughter might be the next the line of defense. How is she doing? Has she herself read about BPD, and about setting boundaries?

[AVR1962]

Have either been diagnosed with BPD? Sometimes it's hard to get a full picture of what exactly is going on between couples as the roots of the relationship get very twisted. Are the both very needy users? Normally you will have one person who is BPD and they seek people who they can use. The BPD person can make the other person look crazy and drive them to crazy acts. The BPD is very manipulative and weasels in to friends and family's lives to become the victim in these people eyes all the while playing their spouse or parent against an outsider. It gets quite complex.

If your DIL truly is BPD your son may be exhibiting the craziness I am speaking of, or vise versa. Can you help? How do you help? Encourage them to seek counseling or help for themselves but do not become involved personally. As soon as you become involved to help then you will very easily become the target for blame and it will be put on your shoulders and they never feel they have to deal with anything.

How old is your son? Is his dad still in the picture? Have you been able to sit and talk with him or does he refuse?

You have described the way my DIL and stepson have acted towards me. I was attacked, called a liar, things were made up as to what I aid, my husband and I were told we were the worst parents and that we would never know his daughter as a our grandchild. I had no more contact with DIL or SS, steps are a bit different situation than bios, I realize. I did raise this boy though from the time he was 5.

My husband has been in touch thru email but I have not. He has never apologized as I believe he does eel like he said in his emails to us and as long as he feels this way we cannot have a relationship.

[understandnow]

I did some soul searching.  I am sticking to my boundaries to both of them.  I left the door open that he was welcomed home anytime last week.  He wis disrespectful to me as she was also.  When they are ready to talk with kindness I will listen and give support.  Neither one of them will seek counseling and both have almost every trait there is.  If the traits are there,  the techniques work.  There is a long twisted story behind this.  Thanks to you guys for your support.  This site has kept me positive and peaceful. 

[pessim-optimist]

Considering all options and coming to a decision that we won't regret and are at peace with in the long run is the best place to be.

It sounds like you have found your balance and answer for your latest dilemma, understandnow, and that's important.

If the traits are there, the techniques work.

I have read other wise members on this site say that "we can provide the opportunities, we do not control the outcomes". The techniques are a very helpful tool that can make it possible for us to communicate more effectively with our loved ones. They make it possible for us to provide the opportunities. There aren't guarantees, but there's hope.

[understandnow]

Thankyou pessim-optimist.  What still surprises me, is the fact that our family are banned from seeing her three children and carries it through.  And then attacks us as grandparents and aunts because we don't see them.  My son brings them over without her knowledge.  We have asked numerous times if we can take them and always has been turned down in a hateful way.  That is only one of many false accusations.  There are so many false accusations that I truly believe are her reality.  It is beyond repairable.  She has now talked so much about this my son has stopped talking to us.  Not sure he is in survival mode, but the things she said to my daughter about my sons feeling is not repairable in his eyes.  I am ready to just stop trying to have them in my life.  I love my three beautiful grandchildren. But unfortunately they are used as pawns.

[pessim-optimist]

What still surprises me, is the fact that our family are banned from seeing her three children and carries it through.  And then attacks us as grandparents and aunts because we don't see them.

I wonder if it's more her feeling lonely and wanting someone, anyone, to keep her company and make her feel less lonely.

Could that be the case here, or is it off? If I'm right, of course she wouldn't want her kids to go and have fun with you and her to be 'left in the dust'... .(I have seen this with my step-daughter, but I may be wrong on this regarding your DIL)

In general, my SD gets jealous if we give our attention to the kids, and uses them as pawns against us (keeps them away), but has been known to cut communication with us and then accuse us that we don't care about the kids. The reality is, it's about her, not the kids... .

She has now talked so much about this my son has stopped talking to us.  Not sure he is in survival mode, but the things she said to my daughter about my sons feeling is not repairable in his eyes.  I am ready to just stop trying to have them in my life.

Do you feel like you have been trying "too hard"? Maybe it is a good time to take a break and to focus on your own life, finding your balance and the things that make you happy... .

Relationship with a person w/BPD can feel very one-sided, and it can be a draining experience. Finally getting off the roller-coaster feels SO good.

But eventually, we start missing them (or the idea of them, anyway). They are our kids, after all. And if there are grandkids, then it's even more true.

It's ok to feel done, it's ok to feel drained. It's likely to change in the future, though. And when you have more energy, and desire, you can read-up more about BPD and how to best navigate the interactions to protect your own sanity, your dignity, the peace of your home, and hopefully stay connected... .

Does that make sense?

[DisneyMom]

Based on what your DIL said about your son considering ending his life, and if you can't get to him and confirm this isn't true, I'd call the authorities. I've dealt with real suicide threats, and I've dealt with manipulation. Even by a number of DD's friends. That is something I don't mess around with. So if they are bluffing, I call it. I call the police. If they are determined to be suicidal, they need to be in the hospital. If they're not, they need to experience that making threats has consequences. You don't get to manipulate, you get admitted to the hospital. It's NOT right to put something like that on someone else.

[DisneyMom]

sorry double post