Here's my story

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am so grateful to have discovered this wonderful forum. I am three weeks out of a 16 month relationship and if it were not for the vast amount of information on this site I would still be in living hell today. So a big thank you to everyone who has contributed and shared their experiences, hurt and coping strategies.

I met who I thought was my dream girl in the spring of 2014. Right off the bat everything clicked and I fell madly in love.  I thought she was the sweetest person I had ever met and she showed me a level of kindness and care I’ve never experienced. We had a lot of common interests and it was just so easy having a good time with her.

She never told me that she has BPD and I am not sure if she knows herself. However, she is seeing a therapist weekly (ongoing for more than a year) for traumatic experiences she had many years ago. I knew nothing about BPD while with her and only accidentally learned about this condition while trying to address some hurtful experiences with my ex. After reading about this pd, everything she did started to make sense.

The Red Flags

Below is a list of the biggest red flags that individually should have been enough for me to walk away. In addition to the following, her father left the family when she was 10, she had shared stories of mistreatment from her mother, and she had a traumatizing / near death experience about a decade ago.

1) I was constantly suspected of checking out girls. Whenever females were around (e.g. at the mall, on the street, in a restaurant) she would feel tense and sulk then proceed to either accuse me of starting at girls or interrogate me of whether I was doing the same. This is far from the truth – most of the time I didn’t even know who she was referring to or that there were females around. Very early on with her I was trained to look away from females when I was with her even when I was driving (I have been accused many times of checking out people on the street when I was looking straight on). At restaurants if we were served by a waitress I had to not look at her when ordering food and not be polite – any sign of respect or courtesy shown to waitresses would be seen as flirty (e.g. a thank you with a smile). Soon, it got so bad that whenever I was out with her in crowded places I had to stare at the ground to avoid her wrath and at the end even that was not enough (more on this later).

2) I was being alienated from my friends. It first started with female friends and I had to report to her any conversation I had with them. After about six months I was told I had to cut contact with females and only develop friendship with guys. She would enforce this by checking contacts in my phones and forcing me to delete all female contacts. She would also check my phone and ask me about any phone calls not in my contact list (which can only contain guys). I was accused many times of having affairs with my female friends which I had zero romantic interests in and hardly communicated with. After a few months she started insulting my guy friends and told me not to associate with them. I became very anti-social.

3) She had no trust in me. If I were not with her, there was a good chance I would be accused of hiding something from her or going on dates with someone else. I was often interrogated on what I did when I was not with her and several times I had to take a picture for her to prove where I was.

4) She was constantly anxious, not feeling well, in fear of abandonment, and accusing me of not caring about her. This happened especially after we had a good date and she would require me to acknowledge her feelings, reassure her, and speak to her. I tried hard to comfort her, to show her my understanding and to reassure her however it would never be enough. I would be asked to say it gentler or more caring or while hugging her. If I was too gentle or not hugging her the right way I was told I was insincere. One of these sessions lasted from 2 to 4 hours and happened about every other day.

5) It was a relationship full of double standards. Although she would constantly interrogate me or ask me to prove myself, she shared very little information about what she did on a daily basis. She was also completely comfortable with speaking with her male friends. If I ever doubted her in anything she said she was always completely shocked and acted extremely offended. If I ever wanted to speak about my pain and have my feelings acknowledged I was told I was stressing her out or that I am making everything about myself. Also, whenever we had an argument, it was either 50/50 at fault or 100% my fault. She would never admit anything as her fault and in the last few months of the relationship she refused to take responsibility in anything that went wrong.

As you can tell I was the personification of a door mat, had zero boundaries, and always held out hope that she would change. These experiences were extremely frustrating to me and many times I got very upset and either broke down in tears, lost my temper and yelled back, or walked away. In fact, there were many times I wanted to leave the relationship but she would always beg me in tears and complete distress not to leave her and I simply could not see the person who was my girlfriend to be in so much pain.

The End

About a month ago I was being fired from work. I had a very successful career in consulting which was also very stressful and demanding. I simply could not work with the level of energy and enthusiasm required in this job while being with my ex. My last day at work was also when we broke up.

That day after I left work I went to see her hoping for some comfort. I texted her that I was heading over and let her know in advance that I was not doing well in hope that she could put herself aside for me for a moment. She texted back by saying that she was also not doing well. When I got to her, I tried my best to smile to comfort her. In response, she looked at me with contempt. We went shopping the day before and she asked why I stood behind her and not beside her when she was trying on makeup. I told her that a makeup artist was next to her and I had previously been scolded for being too close to the makeup artist when I stood beside her. So this time I had chosen to stand behind her keeping myself a good distance away from the makeup artist. This was not acceptable to her and she rebutted by saying she knew I was checking out someone because she felt it. In fact, I was looking at the ground to avoid being suspected or accused on. This went on for a while and I was told that I needed to comfort and reassure her. I tried my best but all I heard was “That’s not good enough! Tell me more!” At that point I had enough. I told her I never want to see her again and I walked straight into my car and drove off. She called me immediately expressing how angry she was and I told her I didn’t care, that I don’t want to speak with her again and hung up.

That night was hell for me. I had lost my career which I was extremely proud of and I had lost a relationship which I was very attached to regardless of the above. I stayed in my bedroom in the dark and cried myself to sleep.

The next day she kept verbally attacking me for abandoning her. I had scheduled to have dinner with my parents and when she found out, she said that if I loved her and want this relationship I would put everything aside right then and go apologize to her. I told her how ridiculous she was and shared my story with my parents. My father was furious and he practically hinted he would disown me if I decided to go back to her. The following day she called me in tears and begged me to come back. Well, like a drug addict who has been experiencing withdrawal, I caved and agreed to meet up to chat. The truth is, there were many lovely memories I had with her (which I can’t type out as they are triggers for me) and I still had hope that she could change.

We apologized to each other for our behaviours and spoke for hours, trying to figure out how we can go on. She knew that I had told my parents everything and she said the priority was to tell them her side and her hurt – that I walked out on her. I took my parents to lunch the next day to say what she asked me to say. They left the choice to me whether I want to go with it. When I told my ex I had done what she asked, she then said I needed to go see a therapist to deal with my issues. I protested that I had apologized for walking out on her and told her side of the story to my folks. I was told that if I loved her I would do it. I stupidly complied and booked an appointment to see a therapist.

I reached out to her again asking her whether I have done enough to prove I loved her. And then it happened. She told me to move on and blocked me from all contact. Yup. She hasn’t sent one single message to me since.

Current State

I am doing better day by day and have accepted that the relationship is over and that’s a good thing; it was necessary. However, things haven’t been easy. Everything I do reminds me of her. I have also lost a lot of hair since the breakup which really sucks. I regularly have flashbacks on happier times which really tear me up. And for some reason my brain decides to dream of great times with my ex every night without fail and thus I always wake up in a bad mood. 

Day by day though things have gotten better. I didn’t need to cry after the first week. I slowly reconnected with many of my friends and they have been extremely supportive of me. I have just landed a new job with a nice bump in pay.

A couple of days ago as I was looking through some old emails I came upon a picture I had sent to myself. The picture was the last selfie I took before meeting my ex. I was travelling for work and had taken it as a memory of my time there. What I saw was a man full of confidence, in good shape, happy and at the height of his career. What I saw helped me realize how toxic the relationship has been for me. I have a goal of finding my lost self again and joining this forum is a first step.

Thanks a bunch for reading this long introductory post. It’s late so I hope what I typed actually makes sense. I look forward to be a part of this great community! 

[reflection]

I am so grateful to have discovered this wonderful forum. I am three weeks out of a 16 month relationship and if it were not for the vast amount of information on this site I would still be in living hell today. So a big thank you to everyone who has contributed and shared their experiences, hurt and coping strategies.

I met who I thought was my dream girl in the spring of 2014. Right off the bat everything clicked and I fell madly in love.  I thought she was the sweetest person I had ever met and she showed me a level of kindness and care I’ve never experienced. We had a lot of common interests and it was just so easy having a good time with her.

She never told me that she has BPD and I am not sure if she knows herself. However, she is seeing a therapist weekly (ongoing for more than a year) for traumatic experiences she had many years ago. I knew nothing about BPD while with her and only accidentally learned about this condition while trying to address some hurtful experiences with my ex. After reading about this pd, everything she did started to make sense.

The Red Flags

Below is a list of the biggest red flags that individually should have been enough for me to walk away. In addition to the following, her father left the family when she was 10, she had shared stories of mistreatment from her mother, and she had a traumatizing / near death experience about a decade ago.

1) I was constantly suspected of checking out girls. Whenever females were around (e.g. at the mall, on the street, in a restaurant) she would feel tense and sulk then proceed to either accuse me of starting at girls or interrogate me of whether I was doing the same. This is far from the truth – most of the time I didn’t even know who she was referring to or that there were females around. Very early on with her I was trained to look away from females when I was with her even when I was driving (I have been accused many times of checking out people on the street when I was looking straight on). At restaurants if we were served by a waitress I had to not look at her when ordering food and not be polite – any sign of respect or courtesy shown to waitresses would be seen as flirty (e.g. a thank you with a smile). Soon, it got so bad that whenever I was out with her in crowded places I had to stare at the ground to avoid her wrath and at the end even that was not enough (more on this later).

2) I was being alienated from my friends. It first started with female friends and I had to report to her any conversation I had with them. After about six months I was told I had to cut contact with females and only develop friendship with guys. She would enforce this by checking contacts in my phones and forcing me to delete all female contacts. She would also check my phone and ask me about any phone calls not in my contact list (which can only contain guys). I was accused many times of having affairs with my female friends which I had zero romantic interests in and hardly communicated with. After a few months she started insulting my guy friends and told me not to associate with them. I became very anti-social.

3) She had no trust in me. If I were not with her, there was a good chance I would be accused of hiding something from her or going on dates with someone else. I was often interrogated on what I did when I was not with her and several times I had to take a picture for her to prove where I was.

4) She was constantly anxious, not feeling well, in fear of abandonment, and accusing me of not caring about her. This happened especially after we had a good date and she would require me to acknowledge her feelings, reassure her, and speak to her. I tried hard to comfort her, to show her my understanding and to reassure her however it would never be enough. I would be asked to say it gentler or more caring or while hugging her. If I was too gentle or not hugging her the right way I was told I was insincere. One of these sessions lasted from 2 to 4 hours and happened about every other day.

5) It was a relationship full of double standards. Although she would constantly interrogate me or ask me to prove myself, she shared very little information about what she did on a daily basis. She was also completely comfortable with speaking with her male friends. If I ever doubted her in anything she said she was always completely shocked and acted extremely offended. If I ever wanted to speak about my pain and have my feelings acknowledged I was told I was stressing her out or that I am making everything about myself. Also, whenever we had an argument, it was either 50/50 at fault or 100% my fault. She would never admit anything as her fault and in the last few months of the relationship she refused to take responsibility in anything that went wrong.

As you can tell I was the personification of a door mat, had zero boundaries, and always held out hope that she would change. These experiences were extremely frustrating to me and many times I got very upset and either broke down in tears, lost my temper and yelled back, or walked away. In fact, there were many times I wanted to leave the relationship but she would always beg me in tears and complete distress not to leave her and I simply could not see the person who was my girlfriend to be in so much pain.

The End

About a month ago I was being fired from work. I had a very successful career in consulting which was also very stressful and demanding. I simply could not work with the level of energy and enthusiasm required in this job while being with my ex. My last day at work was also when we broke up.

That day after I left work I went to see her hoping for some comfort. I texted her that I was heading over and let her know in advance that I was not doing well in hope that she could put herself aside for me for a moment. She texted back by saying that she was also not doing well. When I got to her, I tried my best to smile to comfort her. In response, she looked at me with contempt. We went shopping the day before and she asked why I stood behind her and not beside her when she was trying on makeup. I told her that a makeup artist was next to her and I had previously been scolded for being too close to the makeup artist when I stood beside her. So this time I had chosen to stand behind her keeping myself a good distance away from the makeup artist. This was not acceptable to her and she rebutted by saying she knew I was checking out someone because she felt it. In fact, I was looking at the ground to avoid being suspected or accused on. This went on for a while and I was told that I needed to comfort and reassure her. I tried my best but all I heard was “That’s not good enough! Tell me more!” At that point I had enough. I told her I never want to see her again and I walked straight into my car and drove off. She called me immediately expressing how angry she was and I told her I didn’t care, that I don’t want to speak with her again and hung up.

That night was hell for me. I had lost my career which I was extremely proud of and I had lost a relationship which I was very attached to regardless of the above. I stayed in my bedroom in the dark and cried myself to sleep.

The next day she kept verbally attacking me for abandoning her. I had scheduled to have dinner with my parents and when she found out, she said that if I loved her and want this relationship I would put everything aside right then and go apologize to her. I told her how ridiculous she was and shared my story with my parents. My father was furious and he practically hinted he would disown me if I decided to go back to her. The following day she called me in tears and begged me to come back. Well, like a drug addict who has been experiencing withdrawal, I caved and agreed to meet up to chat. The truth is, there were many lovely memories I had with her (which I can’t type out as they are triggers for me) and I still had hope that she could change.

We apologized to each other for our behaviours and spoke for hours, trying to figure out how we can go on. She knew that I had told my parents everything and she said the priority was to tell them her side and her hurt – that I walked out on her. I took my parents to lunch the next day to say what she asked me to say. They left the choice to me whether I want to go with it. When I told my ex I had done what she asked, she then said I needed to go see a therapist to deal with my issues. I protested that I had apologized for walking out on her and told her side of the story to my folks. I was told that if I loved her I would do it. I stupidly complied and booked an appointment to see a therapist.

I reached out to her again asking her whether I have done enough to prove I loved her. And then it happened. She told me to move on and blocked me from all contact. Yup. She hasn’t sent one single message to me since.

Current State

I am doing better day by day and have accepted that the relationship is over and that’s a good thing; it was necessary. However, things haven’t been easy. Everything I do reminds me of her. I have also lost a lot of hair since the breakup which really sucks. I regularly have flashbacks on happier times which really tear me up. And for some reason my brain decides to dream of great times with my ex every night without fail and thus I always wake up in a bad mood. 

Day by day though things have gotten better. I didn’t need to cry after the first week. I slowly reconnected with many of my friends and they have been extremely supportive of me. I have just landed a new job with a nice bump in pay.

A couple of days ago as I was looking through some old emails I came upon a picture I had sent to myself. The picture was the last selfie I took before meeting my ex. I was travelling for work and had taken it as a memory of my time there. What I saw was a man full of confidence, in good shape, happy and at the height of his career. What I saw helped me realize how toxic the relationship has been for me. I have a goal of finding my lost self again and joining this forum is a first step.

Thanks a bunch for reading this long introductory post. It’s late so I hope what I typed actually makes sense. I look forward to be a part of this great community! 

[once removed]

hey reflection, and

we are very glad you found us, and thank you for sharing your story. many members here can relate, i know i can. it sounds like you were isolated and quite exhausted. im thrilled that youre doing better, and its great that you have a new job, supportive and understanding friends and family, and us at this board. i think youll see that happy man full of confidence again very soon, but please give yourself time and be patient. three weeks out of any sixteen month relationship, let alone such a volatile one, is not a lot of time. as you explore this board, youll find that you are not alone in focusing on the good times/aspects of the relationship. youre processing a fair amount of trauma here, and we are here to help you through it .

have you had an opportunity to take a look at the lessons (links) directly to the right of the screen? my relationship was also full of double standards, and since you mention "zero boundaries" you might have a look at this workshop: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

how are you doing this morning?

[cloudten]

HI Reflection and WELCOME! 

It sure does sound like you are exhausted and having a hard time of it. There is hope though!

Your story could be exactly mine with gender roles reversed. It sure sounds like everything there in the end was a projection. Change pretty much all of her statements from "You don't care about me. You need to go to therapy" to "I don't care about me/you. I need to go to therapy"... .etc.

Sidenote* I totally encourage you to go to therapy... .you have been psychologically abused. You need to figure out how to undo the damage and find yourself again so that you don't fall into another equally bad relationship. I am just now getting into the nitty gritty of why I pick horrible people... .and i truly feel its important to do this self discovery/recovery so that I don't fall into this again... .I wouldn't wish to go thru this ever again.

I can really relate to the hair thing. As a woman, my hair has never been so thin and fortunately I started with a thick head of hair. Good news- as you start to come around and be yourself again, your hair might come back... .mine has.  It's post-traumatic stress that causes your hair to fall out. (I also hear B vitamins can help bring it back).

It sounds like you have a lot of self care to do. Congratulations on the new job... .pour yourself into it!

Welcome to the boards... .keep us in your back pocket... .because sometimes this is the only place where people understand.

[balletomane]

This forum is great, especially for affirming that our experiences are real, and more than that, shared. Reading your story, I noticed something that my ex did often but that I hadn't even registered as unusual - he wanted to know every tiny detail of my day and would get suspicious and angry and hurt if he thought I wasn't sharing enough (which often happened even when I'd told him all there was to tell!), but he barely told me anything about how he passed his own time. I would ask how his day had been and just get "OK". I'd ask what he'd been doing and just get "Work" or "Stuff". I didn't realise there was such a double standard until seeing what you wrote.

I second cloudten's recommendation to look into some counselling for yourself. I am due to start therapy in a couple of weeks and I am very glad I took this step.

P.S. My hair has been coming out in handfuls and I hadn't even related it to this stress - I thought I needed to take a cod liver oil supplement or something! This forum is definitely an eye-opener.

[SGraham]

Welcome to the family reflection,

Im sorry to hear you had to go through all that. I know it's hard when you sacrifice so much of your own happiness and get absolutely nothing in return, that combined with the illogicalness of it all and the lack of closure... .Trust me we all feel you. Definitely post on here often, it is so hard to make sense of people with BPD and the experiences you had with them, so its often helpful to get other peoples thoughts who understand BPD.

Best wishes,

SG

[reflection]

Thank you for pointing out the lessons out to me once removed, I will definitely go through all the lessons in the next couple of days before work starts. I feel lonely this morning. My ex and I were unhealthily attached to each other and I think the next step for me is to figure out how to be happy single again. On a positive note I did not dream about her last night. I think sharing my story really helped in processing my pain. The night before I dreamt that my and ex and I worked out our differences and we were laughing and happy again. I had things "worked out" with her dozens of times before and of course it was only a temporary bandaid. But the dream felt surreal to me and as you can imagine it was brutal when I fully awoke.

Thanks for pointing our therapy to me cloudten and balletomane. I definitely need it. I've been doing a lot of self-reflection since the b/u and realized that I am a big people pleaser (in the relationship and at work) and have some experiences in childhood that needs to be addressed. In general I have little experience with relationships (only one four month long relationship before her) so I don't know what's acceptable or not. I do know I am in no shape to be in a relationship any time soon. I worry that with my experience I'd see BPD signs in everything and lose trust in any future partner which would be completely unfair to her.

Reading your story, I noticed something that my ex did often but that I hadn't even registered as unusual - he wanted to know every tiny detail of my day and would get suspicious and angry and hurt if he thought I wasn't sharing enough (which often happened even when I'd told him all there was to tell!), but he barely told me anything about how he passed his own time. I would ask how his day had been and just get "OK". I'd ask what he'd been doing and just get "Work" or "Stuff". I didn't realise there was such a double standard until seeing what you wrote.

What's crazy is that she complained many times that our conversations seemed to be all about me and that she felt I didn't care about her. I mentioned that every time I asked about her she didn't want to share much - she was sleeping, she was crying the whole day, she was working etc - and if I pressed on I could feel her getting annoyed. I tried expressing to her how I was not okay with this one way communication, that it was as if I was being interrogated or reporting to a superior rather than sharing with a lover. Instead of trying to understand my frustration she would see my words as an attack and we'd have to put our focus on her hurt while having my feelings put aside.

[rotiroti]

I want to join everyone in welcoming you here reflection. Your story really resonated with me, I also left and was guilted into "proving" my love for her.

I was told that if I loved her I would do it. I stupidly complied and booked an appointment to see a therapist.

I reached out to her again asking her whether I have done enough to prove I loved her. And then it happened. She told me to move on and blocked me from all contact. Yup. She hasn’t sent one single message to me since.

My last phone conversation was eerily familiar. As you post more here and learn about BPD, you'll realize that asking you to do all these things was all about control. When you left (for the better for both of you) it probably triggered her abandonment fears and left her facing her trueself. In that moment she most likely felt out of control and thus demanded you of al these things... .

[reflection]

I know it's hard when you sacrifice so much of your own happiness and get absolutely nothing in return, that combined with the illogicalness of it all and the lack of closure

Thanks for the well wishes SG. The lack of closure really shocked me and I couldn't understand why she needed to block me. In fact if I hadn't find out about BPD and resources like this forum I think I would be in a unbearable cycle of shame, guilt and confusion. I have come to accept that finding logic in a BPD relationship is futile. In fact I think logical discussions with her in general were futile. There were times when we were arguing that I thought I had finally gotten my point across to her; she would pause to think and I'd think that she would finally take in my side of things. What she then usually uttered next was "I don't feel acknowledged at all" which was very convenient for her.

[reflection]

As you post more here and learn about BPD, you'll realize that asking you to do all these things was all about control.

I agree with you rotiroti. Six months after meeting her I shared some of my frustrations with a family friend (an older gentleman much more experienced in relationships) who told me that he thought she didn't really love me but loved controlling me. I thought he was ridiculous. How clueless I was.

[Darsha500]

Reflection

I wanted to share some of the different books I've read and have been reading to help me process things. Reading and educating myself has been one of my greatest most productive pastimes as of late.

Here are some book recommendation you might consider checking out.

I'm reading this one currently

www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284


This one was helpful for looking at why I am attracted to dysfunctional people and why I was so willing to take on the caretaker role.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/159030571X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1439578952&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SY200_QL40&keywords=when+the+past+is+present&dpPl=1&dpID=41ChBrtQAEL&ref=plSrch


Here's another good one for that purpose

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1936128314/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1439579603&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SY200_QL40&keywords=the+human+magnet+syndrome&dpPl=1&dpID=517ABw2ztnL&ref=plSrch

Then this one is actually recommended on the site.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0425273539/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1439579717&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SY200_QL40&keywords=the+journey+from+abandonment+to+healing&dpPl=1&dpID=51u32MSbyEL&ref=

Educating myself about the disorder has been incredibly helpful as well; helping me to make sense of her behaviors and freeing me of guilt.

Also, I was talking my a psychology professor of mine yesterday and she was telling me that she thinks just telling your story is therapeutic. She likened it to exposure therapy, saying that the act of just telling your story really helps to integrate everything that has happened to you, making it a part of your identity, the good and the bad,rather than seeing it as this traumatic thing that has happened you, you get to own an integrate the experience as a part of yourself.

[SGraham]

I know it's hard when you sacrifice so much of your own happiness and get absolutely nothing in return, that combined with the illogicalness of it all and the lack of closure

Thanks for the well wishes SG. The lack of closure really shocked me and I couldn't understand why she needed to block me. In fact if I hadn't find out about BPD and resources like this forum I think I would be in a unbearable cycle of shame, guilt and confusion. I have come to accept that finding logic in a BPD relationship is futile. In fact I think logical discussions with her in general were futile. There were times when we were arguing that I thought I had finally gotten my point across to her; she would pause to think and I'd think that she would finally take in my side of things. What she then usually uttered next was "I don't feel acknowledged at all" which was very convenient for her.

Yeah i feel you man, i view Most things in life through a logical paradigm which makes certain emotional issues, especially those associated with BPD, very difficult for me to digest.

[reflection]

Reflection

I wanted to share some of the different books I've read and have been reading to help me process things. Reading and educating myself has been one of my greatest most productive pastimes as of late.

Here are some book recommendation you might consider checking out.

I'm reading this one currently

www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-Devastating/dp/0738213284


This one was helpful for looking at why I am attracted to dysfunctional people and why I was so willing to take on the caretaker role.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/159030571X/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1439578952&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SY200_QL40&keywords=when+the+past+is+present&dpPl=1&dpID=41ChBrtQAEL&ref=plSrch


Here's another good one for that purpose

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1936128314/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1439579603&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SY200_QL40&keywords=the+human+magnet+syndrome&dpPl=1&dpID=517ABw2ztnL&ref=plSrch

Then this one is actually recommended on the site.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0425273539/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1439579717&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SY200_QL40&keywords=the+journey+from+abandonment+to+healing&dpPl=1&dpID=51u32MSbyEL&ref=

Educating myself about the disorder has been incredibly helpful as well; helping me to make sense of her behaviors and freeing me of guilt.

Also, I was talking my a psychology professor of mine yesterday and she was telling me that she thinks just telling your story is therapeutic. She likened it to exposure therapy, saying that the act of just telling your story really helps to integrate everything that has happened to you, making it a part of your identity, the good and the bad,rather than seeing it as this traumatic thing that has happened you, you get to own an integrate the experience as a part of yourself.

Thanks for all the recommendations Darsha500. I find that by learning about this disorder I am also educating myself with relationships in general which is hitting two birds with one stone. I am trying to embrace this life experience.

[once removed]

Thank you for pointing out the lessons out to me once removed, I will definitely go through all the lessons in the next couple of days before work starts. I feel lonely this morning. My ex and I were unhealthily attached to each other and I think the next step for me is to figure out how to be happy single again. On a positive note I did not dream about her last night. I think sharing my story really helped in processing my pain. The night before I dreamt that my and ex and I worked out our differences and we were laughing and happy again. I had things "worked out" with her dozens of times before and of course it was only a temporary bandaid. But the dream felt surreal to me and as you can imagine it was brutal when I fully awoke.

im sorry to hear youre feeling lonely, reflection. i hope that sharing and bonding with this supportive community will help with that, and im glad to hear sharing your story helped process. it does help a great deal to talk. im glad to hear the dreams stopped at least for a day; i had them myself, and i agree they are very surreal. they will taper off over time. i found once i went a day or two without them, they ended. no guarantees, as these dreams are a natural response to, and way of processing, trauma, but they will taper off.

[reflection]

I agree with you once removed that my brain is trying to process the trauma. I honestly don't remember dreaming about my ex at all when I was with her probably because I was being smothered with her presence so dreams were actually an escape. Now that she's out of my life I am experiencing withdrawal from the relationship and thus the brain tries to get a little bit of that connection by dreaming.

I did dream about her again but this time not in a pleasant way so that is progress! I really feel down when I see her smile and hear her laugh in my dreams. Thanks for letting me know in your experience that they do level off. I hope they go away pretty soon.

[rotiroti]

I really feel down when I see her smile and hear her laugh in my dreams.

I had the exact same dream for about a month after the b/u. I wasn't feeling down because I was missing her smile and laughter, rather I was sad because it reminded me of how unfulfilling the r/s had been.

[SGraham]

I really feel down when I see her smile and hear her laugh in my dreams.

I had the exact same dream for about a month after the b/u. I wasn't feeling down because I was missing her smile and laughter, rather I was sad because it reminded me of how unfulfilling the r/s had been.

I had a dream about my ex a couple of days ago and it practically ruined my day. It was weird though, normally in my dreams it is like thing are going well but in my dream the situation was i had to be around her after our b/u and she was just being cold and belligerent towards me. It hurt really bad when i woke up and i had to sit there and tell myself it was a dream for a couple of minutes just to calm down.

[reflection]

I had the exact same dream for about a month after the b/u. I wasn't feeling down because I was missing her smile and laughter, rather I was sad because it reminded me of how unfulfilling the r/s had been.

For me, the sadness arises from thinking that I worked so hard to keep her happy, maximize the occurrence of those "precious" happy moments, and tried to make things work yet in the end it appears to have been all for naught. I was just grasping at straws.

I had a dream about my ex a couple of days ago and it practically ruined my day. It was weird though, normally in my dreams it is like thing are going well but in my dream the situation was i had to be around her after our b/u and she was just being cold and belligerent towards me. It hurt really bad when i woke up and i had to sit there and tell myself it was a dream for a couple of minutes just to calm down.

That's the type of dream I had when I mentioned I dreamt about her in an unpleasant way in my last post. I feel your pain man.

Yesterday I got a new bed frame and spent the day re-organizing the bedroom. As I was cleaning up I found various pieces (e.g. notes we'd written together on what we needed to work on, flight passes to a vacation in which we'd promised to never leave each other) from the relationship. I thought I had boxed up all the objects that triggers me so I was caught off guard and had a terrible time reminiscing. I thought I'd have very intense dreams about her last night but fortunately I didn't. I hope these dreams have run their course.

[SGraham]

For me, the sadness arises from thinking that I worked so hard to keep her happy, maximize the occurrence of those "precious" happy moments, and tried to make things work yet in the end it appears to have been all for naught. I was just grasping at straws.

Yeah i feel you. That basically sums up my indignation right there.

I thought I'd have very intense dreams about her last night but fortunately I didn't. I hope these dreams have run their course.

I also get that. When i have a particularly hard day i almost have to plan my night as to not have nightmares about the r/s. On days like that i used to stay up so late that i could fall asleep in like a minute (so to avoid ruminations as i drift off to sleep because thats what causes the nightmares). That was taking its toll on my physical health so now i try to fall asleep listening to a seminar or debate or something generally thought provoking on youtube as i fall asleep and that does the trick most of the time.

[reflection]

I also get that. When i have a particularly hard day i almost have to plan my night as to not have nightmares about the r/s. On days like that i used to stay up so late that i could fall asleep in like a minute (so to avoid ruminations as i drift off to sleep because thats what causes the nightmares). That was taking its toll on my physical health so now i try to fall asleep listening to a seminar or debate or something generally thought provoking on youtube as i fall asleep and that does the trick most of the time.

I am glad you figured out a way to fall asleep without staying up too late SG. I do have trouble falling asleep these days and have been going to bed really late. I usually watch some light-hearted and comedic videos on youtube before bed time. I am going to try to spend more time working out and doing cardio to see if that helps.

[SGraham]

I am glad you figured out a way to fall asleep without staying up too late SG. I do have trouble falling asleep these days and have been going to bed really late. I usually watch some light-hearted and comedic videos on youtube before bed time. I am going to try to spend more time working out and doing cardio to see if that helps.

Dang, spoke too soon, had one last night. Man it seems like my subconsious is my own worst enemy. It makes sense though, you know what hurts you i guess.