she dosnt want a relationship

[married21years]

she has decided she dosnt want a relationship

this is the latest thing to use to trigger me

this is so painful as we were trying to work on things now this

it is just so painful, she is going back on treatment and just playing the blame game!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

she has decided she dosnt want a relationship

this is the latest thing to use to trigger me

this is so painful as we were trying to work on things now this

it is just so painful, she is going back on treatment and just playing the blame game!

Is this in reaction to anything recent?

Has she been down this path before?

[married21years]

hi waverider, she is cementing this to stop me showing her love and affection.

she is scared i will smother her with love.

its a tool too push me away!

as i am trying to stay strong and centered and she want to retreat and play the blame game.

[HEisable]

I can definitly relate.  It is painful to have the one you love rejects you.  I dont know about you, but many times i struggle when wife is in a 'leave' mode to keep my spirits up.  :)epression can sneak in.  Then i get to the point of accepting it and she turns and wants to work on it and things get flipped.  I start feeling relieved when she wants it all to end and depressed when she wants to work on it.  When i finally accept it may actually be over i then have to switch modes.

I am also in the 'leave you' mode right now.  I have been married for 26 years and  It had been a year since the last time she wanted to separate and made the mistake (again) of letting hope sneak back in. I dont think BPD doesnt just fade away like that and should have known better.

One thing that has saved me in the many many times that my wife has decided 'it is over' is to try to use that time to get healthy myself.  It is a good time to read books about living with BPD.  I am reading for the 3rd time 'Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist'.  Good book.  I would recommend it if you havent read it.  Take time for yourself... . get away from the chaos for a bit.  I know it is hard to do because our minds keep focusing on the pain we feel deep down but we need time away to focus on how we are unhealthy.  I realized this time how issolated i feel.  I have no real friends outside my wife because it was just to painful to try to have friends with a BPD wife.  I have done that to myself.  I have caused my own isolation.  It is my problem... .not my wifes.  Use the time to really understand yourself and how you enable your BPD partner.  Look at your unheathy habits.

Ok... . i am really preaching to myself.  

I have never really understood why a BPD goes through the 'leave' phases.  I thought fear of abandonment was a hallmark.  I would think that would cause them to desparatly try to stay.  I know... .they fear being abandoned by you so they abandon you first.  To me... .it doesnt make sense.

Anyways... .keep your head up.  It is a hard road.


Thanks

[Notwendy]

I know that this has to be tough.

I wonder- and this is not a suggestion- it may even be disputed on this board by people who have gone through this- is what if she gets what she wished for?

I have dealt with the push pull thing in my marriage. For many years, I pursued my H while he pushed me away emotionally. I did not do this intentionally to have an affect on his behavior- I really just gave up- figuring, there was not much I could do to change his mind. I didn't leave the marriage technically, I just focused on raising the kids. I "left" him emotionally because, I just burned out. Sometime later- I am not even sure how much time it took- he decided he wanted the marriage, and made effort. At first it was his magical lets erase everything effort that came on as a too good to be true effort- flowers, romance and then, as the cycle would have it, angry outburst. The main changes came from long term efforts to change- and I think much of that change has been me.

I think at the time, he was projecting a lot of stuff on to me, and wishing he was not married. Well, he got his "wish" as I was no longer able to be emotionally attached. It was only then, that he discovered that what he wished for wasn't what this was.

My mother has a lot of magical thinking. She blames her own internal unhappiness on whatever strikes her as the reason at the time. She also had a lot of magical cures. She would say " this vacation will cure our marital problems" this ( whatever) will be the solution to ( a long issue).

I wonder what would happen if you said OK - you are free?

[married21years]

i am trying to stay centered and work on our relationship

but she just want to go back in her shell and isolate herself

[MaroonLiquid]

I know that this has to be tough.

I wonder- and this is not a suggestion- it may even be disputed on this board by people who have gone through this- is what if she gets what she wished for?

I have dealt with the push pull thing in my marriage. For many years, I pursued my H while he pushed me away emotionally.

Up until about 3-4 months ago, I did to.  I still do occasionally, but I realize it quick and pull back.

I did not do this intentionally to have an affect on his behavior- I really just gave up- figuring, there was not much I could do to change his mind. I didn't leave the marriage technically, I just focused on raising the kids.

This is kind of where I'm at.  I can't change her mind, nor will I try to control her, but I can have my boundaries, stick to them, and allow her to be responsible for herself.  She is floundering emotionally and I know she has to see it when I haven't wavered to the left or right in over a year regarding what I want, or regarding our marriage.  I think it frustrates her that she can't sway me when it comes to those things.  I believe that she respects me because I stick to those things, and yet can't understand that there is someone who loves her enough to stick by her.  She doesn't understand it.  I took the vow, "For better of for worse... .", not "until the bad stuff happens."

I "left" him emotionally because, I just burned out. Sometime later- I am not even sure how much time it took- he decided he wanted the marriage, and made effort. At first it was his magical lets erase everything effort that came on as a too good to be true effort- flowers, romance and then, as the cycle would have it, angry outburst. The main changes came from long term efforts to change- and I think much of that change has been me.

I'm praying that my wife comes to this stage of choosing the marriage at some point.  I believe she will, but she has choice.  I am making that choice "black or white" that she has to be responsible for. 

I think at the time, he was projecting a lot of stuff on to me, and wishing he was not married. Well, he got his "wish" as I was no longer able to be emotionally attached. It was only then, that he discovered that what he wished for wasn't what this was.

My wife has been in this stage off and on.  I have been more centered with my emotions rather than emotionally distant.  I can become distant in her push phase, but I don't like it. 

My mother has a lot of magical thinking. She blames her own internal unhappiness on whatever strikes her as the reason at the time. She also had a lot of magical cures. She would say " this vacation will cure our marital problems" this ( whatever) will be the solution to ( a long issue).

I wonder what would happen if you said OK - you are free?

My mom has a ton of magical thinking and it drives me nuts.  She also is great at emotional manipulation tactics.   

[married21years]

she has gone ST again,

i am actually quite happy

[waverider]

she has gone ST again,

i am actually quite happy

ST can be quite a breather for you both as you don't have worry about your reaction, as non is called for

[married21years]

yeah thanks waverider

every ST she blinks first, becomes dis regulated and contacts me in distress

i know she is crying about the loss but thinks it is the best as she sees no future for us

but she dosnt want to discuss it!

[Notwendy]

One of the hardest things for me to learn is that it isn't my job to fix someone else's bad feelings.

I am very good at smoothing things over for people, compromising, listening to their upset. It was my "job" in my FOO to do that.

It is very hard for me to stay calm, strong and not cave when someone is upset in front of me or because I didn't do what they want.

Because I am such a good manager, I tend to attract people who want me to manage their feelings.

But what I am doing by doing that for them is weakening them- they need to know how to manage their feelings- to self soothe- and I do too. If I manage my own discomfort in the face of theirs by "fixing" the issue, then I am also not being responsible for my own feelings.

Pw BPD have difficulty managing their own bad feelings, and tend to project them on to others. It makes sense from this perspective that if your wife is feeling bad, the feelings are seen as external to her- someone- or something is doing them to her. From what I have observed, I think pw BPD have "victim" as a default mode.  The payoff for victim mode is not having to be responsible for their feelings or their actions. After all, their feelings can't be their responsibility if someone else is the cause of them, and their hurtful actions are not their fault if they are only doing it because that someone is hurting them!

So, your wife feels bad. She projects it is your fault. She cuts off the relationship and now she feels bad. You love her and don't want her to feel bad, but consider this: Is the kindest thing you can do for her is- to let her manage her feelings on her own.  or to rescue her ( and yourself) from her own bad feelings/consequence of saying she doesn't want the marriage?

[married21years]

i am trying to do that, but i want to save my marriage,

you are right it is projection!

how do i handle projection?

[Notwendy]

I don't know what to do about projection. It is their projection.

You want to save your marriage, but I have no idea what she wants.

If I could have single handedly saved my marriage by doing something, I would have. If I could have made my H attracted to me at a time he didn't think he was, I would have done it.

I did everything I could to appease him/do what he wanted me to do/be who he wanted me to be.

I changed from a free spirited emotionally giving person into everything he said he wanted me to be: A silent always smiling, ( at least on the outside) Stepford wife with benefits as he wanted them to be.

It didn't work because the issues were not about me, but about him. He had both- a wife who had loved him freely with all her heart and a wife who did what he wanted ( or thought he wanted) but who stopped being herself and he was not happy with either of them. The problem was not me, but how he chose to see me- all the stuff he projected on to me. I was just the canvas. He painted the picture.

I don't know what happened that he changed his mind. Really. It had nothing to do with me. I have all kinds of theories about why- he didn't know what he had until it was gone, something that happened with someone else in his life, or divine intervention. I don't know what it was, but I know it wasn't anything I did.

You can't control what she does, but if this is her wish- or what she thinks is her wish- to not be in a relationship, then I don't know what can change that except for her.

I think what you can do is something for you. Take care of yourself. Act according to your values. You are still married. No other person, no acting out of anger. Keep your side of the fence clean and no matter what happens, you have your integrity.

[married21years]

at some point i have to give in

[Notwendy]

Give in to what?  She's calling the shots. The one who is in ST and rejecting has the shots. What can you do besides pursue?

Give in to her demand to not be married? You can't hold someone hostage if they want ( or think they want) out.

[married21years]

but i am sure that will change again when she loses me

everyone says she loves me still its crazy

[married21years]

she just contacted me thanking me for something i did for our daughter

respond or not

[MaroonLiquid]

she just contacted me thanking me for something i did for our daughter

respond or not

Yeah, just say, you're welcome.

[married21years]

she just contacted me thanking me for something i did for our daughter

respond or not

Yeah, just say, you're welcome.

another friend has reckon mended ST

he knows her

[waverider]

she just contacted me thanking me for something i did for our daughter

respond or not

Yeah, just say, you're welcome.

another friend has reckon mended ST

he knows her

Acknowledge but dont expand. If you go ST then she will project responsibility for what started as her behavior onto you, then she will never own it or the consequences.

[married21years]

she just contacted me thanking me for something i did for our daughter

respond or not

Yeah, just say, you're welcome.

another friend has reckon mended ST

he knows her

Acknowledge but dont expand. If you go ST then she will project responsibility for what started as her behavior onto you, then she will never own it or the consequences.

thanks waverider