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JQ
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« Reply #32 on: August 21, 2015, 02:21:30 PM » |
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Rock & the group,
I've seen some interesting post on this thread and thought that I could address not only yours but a couple of the others in my contribution to this thread ... .Rock, what she did by ghosting you isn't right in a "NORMAL" relationship. BUUUT as we've all come to learn that ANY relationship with someone who has BPD is NOT & will NEVER be normal so any illusion you have of getting that with someone with BPD you might as well accept it now. In the end you'll save yourself a lot of pain, hurt, money, and your soul.
BPD is a serious behavioral illness that started LOONG before you entered into the picture and studies show that BPD will be their life with you, without you, and they'll need a lifetime of good quality behavioral modification via therapy. My exBPDgf has been going on & off for DECADES! So this behavioral illness isn't going to be a quick fix for them or for you.
The behavior they have of a 3 year old toddler at times seems to defy logic, but it's their logic that has helped them survive some childhood trauma that most of us probably can't imagine the horror of. Example my exBPDgf was sexually, mentally & emotionally abused by an older brother by 2 years for not days, weeks or months but was for years that started when she was 4 or 5 and lasted until she was about 13 & he was 15. Her older sister physically, mentally & emotionally abused her for nearly the same time period being hit, kicked and told you are damaged, worthless, no one will ever love you. Now imagine all of that happening to you nearly on a daily basis for years. You can't go to your parent because of fear of reprisal including being threaten with death, her father worked consistently, mother was most likely a BPD herself. Now how would any of us survive? It was her amazing strength in God that prevented her from committing suicide that so many of them talk about or attempt. She only told me very brief idea of what she went through and I've imagine for only a short time what it would be like to suffer this from the people who were suppose to protect you from monsters like that. The very ones that are suppose to protect & care for you because they're family. Just the thought of things made me physical ill and I probably would of put a bullet in my brain pan a long time ago.
So they develop a defense mechanism to survive. They compartmentalize events, feelings and put them in deep dark places with locks on them. They become emotionally stunted because they don't know how to share much less express their feelings. What they do in the way of intimacy or sex is quite possibly a defense mechanism to receive what they see as love. When we the non start to fall in love with them they become engulf in emotions that they never learned to deal with and don't know how to react. When we non's have had enough of what we've experienced as riding the crazy train we leave the relationship and they interpret that as you not loving them anymore and will do what we think of crazy things like in my case driving down the interstate looking for my car for 2 hours hoping to stop me and keep me. It's the extreme fear of abandonment that causes this behavior ... .it's what they learned, how they learned right or wrong and it's the only thing they know how to do in the mixed up world of emotions they have.
They have learned to compartmentalize feelings of huge amount of guilt, anger, abandonment after they leave you because they feel real or not that you're going to leave so to prevent them from getting hurt they leave first on their terms to lesson the pain they feel. When that part of the brain opens up the lock of that box and starts to think about your relationship yes they feel hurt, guilt, they miss you and reach out again or rebound or recycle or whatever you would like to call it. The evidence suggest that they might forget sometimes what they do or say and don't have recall of events as you do. Again this might be a built in protective means of NOT remembering bad events in their life. PTSD from soldiers in battle show up years, sometimes decades later after their sub conscience opens up that box tucked away in the basement of their brain and what comes after that is anger, frustration, guilt. I've had to deal with my own PTSD events and I'm here to tell you that the amount of guilt I felt for having a 19 year old bleed out all over me and not being able to save him has left scares that I will forever carry with me. But through A LOT of EDMR treatment & counseling I'm able to get about day to day. I think about it from time to time but I'm able to to live a "normal" life or so it appears to everyone. those with BPD act very much in the same way in their trauma and to the person outside looking in everything looks normal, looks like everything is fine, and just below the service they battle demons on a daily basis that most of us can't imagine.
As I said, she's been in & out of therapy for decades and I see moments of clarity in her behavior, eyes, what she says. But we both know that it's going to take al lifetime of therapy to continue to make progress with occasional steps backwards, we all do. In my effort to better understand what happened between us I've had to dive into a world of the BPD. I've had to learn about triangulation, projection, deregulation, push/pull, painted black, then white, and a host of other new terms. I've had to learn & continue to hone my skills at this new language & have a conversation that won't let feel threaten or make her angry & rage. How to validate her concerns that most of us wouldn't give a second thought but actually causes so much stress in her life it causes her physical pain.
A relationship with a BPD is not logical & never will be. They have the behavior of a 3 year old at times & you're going to have to be the adult in the relationship. You're going to have to put in so much more effort, energy, give more of your heart, soul & mind in order to have this relationship. Is it fair, probably not but what do you consider fair? I've come to learn that Nons that are with BPDs are more then likely a codependent & our behavior has been learned by those who influenced us growing up to the be the peacekeeper, the perfectionist, the care giver, it's who we are and less damaging to a relationship the someone with BPD and we feel abandon when they leave because we don't understand why they to or say the things they do and we're angry why they could leave because we're doing nothing but loving them with everything that we have. They're just trying to survive the daily battle of demons within the dark places of the soul ... .so what's really fair?
You want a relationship with a BPD? Then read, learn and know what you're really going to get into when you put your name on the dotted line. I'm at the point where I'm just north of 50, no kids and live a comfortable life. Now I have to decide if I want to live my remaining years carefree, finding someone with less "baggage" and enjoy those walks along the beach with an umbrella drink in my hand, carefree, without a worry with someone that doesn't come with the issues of my exBPDgf. Or do I take the red pill and go down the rabbit hole Neo and see how far it goes? I know if I sign up for the BPD lifestyle its going to be the most challenging things I've ever had to do in my life and will last the rest of my life. I know that there will always be issues, things will be said, things will happen, events will be happen ... .I don't pretend it's going to be all rainbows & unicorns but i have to decide if my life with her will be worth it ... .it's a choice I don't take lightly ... .I've already giving up a lot to get to this point ... .I have to be honest with myself to see if I want to sacrifice my soul, mental health, physical health, finances for a what will certainly be a crazy train ride of life with her ... .I go back and forth everyday ... .but i know the choice needs to be made soon ... .
JQ
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