BPD and Rebound Relationships

[rockhardabsman]

I'm curious the differences in rebound relationships between a normal person and a person with BPD. I mean most "normal" rebound relationships are just a blip on the radar, too much baggage that destroys it from becoming something deep.

But with a BPD's ability to just completely disassociate and paint you black and seemingly move on in a heartbeat, do their rebounds tend to have more distance than a nons?

I was curious because a week after rehab and moving back home my ex started flirting with some random guy on FB, which after I dumped her for hitting me she clung to immediately, and have been dating since the day of the breakup with her spending 4-5 day sleepovers at this tools house.

BTW I just want to throw in all these guy "friends" are tools because they all knew she was in a relationship but still pursued, and she's a b*&ch for having no respect, especially after I shelled out 10k getting her into rehab just to do this crap a week out.

So anyways got off topic, whats the typical thing that happens with a BPD rebound?

[rockhardabsman]

I guess this is hitting pretty hard today because this isn't meeting the pattern, she would always rebound after I broke up with her but within a week come crying saying she needs me cant live without me etc. It's been 3 weeks no contact this time around... .  Maybe it's different because I put her through rehab and she is no longer drunk / high on meth. Just hard to beleive. Was really hoping this time she would realize after doing soo much she might need to change, would come telling me she missed me again so I can talk with her about what she needs to do to ("therapy and couples counselling" to rectify this... .  now it seems this rebound will probably go the distance and I will be ancient history.

[WT]

I went through something similar but worse with my ex.  We were together for 7+ years.  In the past, we had the same type of breakup/recycle dynamic, where after a few days to a week of NC, she would call me and tell me that she missed me and that she was sorry.  A month and a half ago, she met someone else one weekend and told me that she wasn't in love with me anymore and that she had fallen in love with him () and we broke up.  I wasn't totally sure that our relationship was over until I showed up at her place (which was more or less our place) a few days later and she told me that she had already "moved on" and that she was starting a new relationship with this guy.  A month later she called me to check up on me and said that things were already "serious" between them (again, ).  Over seven years together and I wasn't even worth a mourning period to her.  I don't know if you can call my situation a "rebound" but it sounds more or less like you and I have the same outcome, where our exes have immediately moved on without batting an eyelash.

There was another post today that I can't seem to find now that basically summarized why it's so easy for someone with a personality disorder to immediately detach from a relationship.  If I come across it again I'll link you to it.

[AllyCat7]

I went through something similar but worse with my ex.  We were together for 7+ years.  In the past, we had the same type of breakup/recycle dynamic, where after a few days to a week of NC, she would call me and tell me that she missed me and that she was sorry.  A month and a half ago, she met someone else one weekend and told me that she wasn't in love with me anymore and that she had fallen in love with him () and we broke up.  I wasn't totally sure that our relationship was over until I showed up at her place (which was more or less our place) a few days later and she told me that she had already "moved on" and that she was starting a new relationship with this guy.  A month later she called me to check up on me and said that things were already "serious" between them (again, ).  Over seven years together and I wasn't even worth a mourning period to her.  I don't know if you can call my situation a "rebound" but it sounds more or less like you and I have the same outcome, where our exes have immediately moved on without batting an eyelash.

There was another post today that I can't seem to find now that basically summarized why it's so easy for someone with a personality disorder to immediately detach from a relationship.  If I come across it again I'll link you to it.

Regarding the mourning period that most of us nons need to heal after a relationship, I read somewhere that people with BPD may not mourn a relationship consciously the way that we do, but that the subconscious doesn't skip a beat. So all those unhealed wounds from failed relationships do build up within them and just pile on top of each other over time until it causes some massive emotional damage. What do you guys think of this theory? It seems plausible to me. I don't see how losing an attachment would have no affect on the subconscious mind at the very least.

[WT]

My ex actually did feel bad for me as we were breaking up, crying and telling me how good I was to her and that she was sorry that our relationship turned out the way that it did, that I deserved someone better than her.  When I asked her why she would want to break up with someone who was so good to her, she basically got upset at me and out came the "bad" side, where she started blaming me for not being a good boyfriend.  It was a complete reversal.

It's hard for me to say whether or not I believe that they subconsciously mourn the loss.  So much of their way of thinking is predicated on how they're feeling and whether or not it's time to turn on the defense mechanisms.  When their view of the world is so inconsistent, I don't know if the subconscious can be any more consistent.

[AllyCat7]

My ex actually did feel bad for me as we were breaking up, crying and telling me how good I was to her and that she was sorry that our relationship turned out the way that it did, that I deserved someone better than her.  When I asked her why she would want to break up with someone who was so good to her, she basically got upset at me and out came the "bad" side, where she started blaming me for not being a good boyfriend.  It was a complete reversal.

It's hard for me to say whether or not I believe that they subconsciously mourn the loss.  So much of their way of thinking is predicated on how they're feeling and whether or not it's time to turn on the defense mechanisms.  When their view of the world is so inconsistent, I don't know if the subconscious can be any more consistent.

Hmm, maybe. I read that in my T's book, though. He said that anytime feelings are suppressed consciously, they leave their marks subconsciously. As someone who has mastered the art of suppressing my feeling myself, I can def relate. Although I'm a non, I've suppressed a lot of my feelings for a good portion of my life to the point where I developed depression and anxiety. Maybe this applies more to the internalizer type BPDs more than the externalizer ones. Either way, I think the pain leaves some marks.

[Clearmind]

Rebound r/s are a distraction from emotional pain. This new guy is saving her - for the moment - until such time as the pattern repeats itself.

rockhardabsman, are you undecided or are you wanting to detach?

[rockhardabsman]

rockhardabsman, are you undecided or are you wanting to detach?

I dont even know what I want anymore. But I guess I need to detach because it looks like there is no hope at this point anymore

[Clearmind]

rockhardabsman, sorry to hear that! At some point we need to begin to look after ourselves. I honestly understand what it feels to be undecided - and that is more than OK to. We do need to get to a point of either healing ourselves/using the tools here/talk of reconciliation etc if we choose to stay OR begin working on detaching.

Choice is always yours - the leaving board has some great lessons at the top of board if you feel that is where this is headed.

[hithere]

Rebound r/s are a distraction from emotional pain. This new guy is saving her - for the moment - until such time as the pattern repeats itself.

Perfect statement! Many BPD's start scoping out their next victim before their current relationship ends.

[jj2121]

I could have been considered a rebound as my ex was 3 months out of a 3 year relationship,but I could have sworn she was totally in love with me, what a cruel hoax. It only lasted four months,but she continued with contact nearly everyday for 2 months, after breaking up with me,always playing the victim and claiming she still loved me. I finally had enough and told her where to go. I don't even know how I feel now, because everything seemed great up until I was dumped and then she started acting crazy. Although looking back now I realise there were warning signs and things that were a little strange,that I should not have ignored.

[tut-uncommon]

. . . Sounds like what occurred was a "normal" person (nonBPD) entered into a relationship with another person where neither the relationship (dynamic wise) nor the person was "normal" (BPD)

think of running on a playing field knowing what to expect, so you engage in joining in a game, but then discover that you dont know the rules, the other team is sacking you HARD but cheering you simultaneaously.and you are now exhausted, confused, injured and about to be booed off the field for nothing that you did.

[v123uf4]

After our divorce, my ex started dating the first woman that showed interest in him and they are now engaged.

[fakename]

hahah,

when i still cared, it would always piss me off how my ex was so desperate.

any guy that showed her interest, she would run to. so sad.

[elessar]

they desperately want to be wanted. when we were together, she would always ask why isnt she getting proposals for marriage (she comes from a culture of arranged marriage). i would always think... .  why does it matter, you are with me. so many times she has said she would get so much attention when she was younger, now nearing 29 she barely gets any attention.

she has blown up on me saying she needs her parents' approval, she needs her society's approval. i never comprehended what the hell is she saying. but after knowing all about BPD... .  they desperately want to be wanted. that fear of abandonment or experience of abandonment just eats at them if they are not wanted. right now she is desperately looking to get married. lets see if she does though.

[fakename]

yeah i agree on the want to be wanted.

i remember a passing comment my ex made about how she got 70 birthday wishes on her facebook. (i kinda just thought of her as a loser, not looked too much into being crazy)

she also would friend random people by the dozens or hundreds. i think probably 95% of her fb friends are random people. she likes posting motivational stuff on her page and then i guess really likes it if someone 'likes' her post... .  

i remember she tried adding me as a friend but facebook wouldnt let her, they blocked her from adding any friends for like 30 days because i guess some people reported her.

its sad. they want to be wanted, and when you commit to them and guarantee a future together, they spaz out and destroy it.  insane.

[elessar]

they want to be wanted, and when you commit to them and guarantee a future together, they spaz out and destroy it.  insane.

that should be the one-sentence description of BPD... .  methinks.

[grad]

they want to be wanted, and when you commit to them and guarantee a future together, they spaz out and destroy it.  insane.

that should be the one-sentence description of BPD... .  methinks.

it's the same thing enjoying the fantasy but incapable of the reality.  r/s are difficult and with a BPD their issues/flakiness makes it nearly impossible.  they are so needy and demanding that it can take away the challenge.  you never know why they lose interest but when they do the loss is painful

[expos]

Some characteristics of my ex-wife who had BPD.

When we first started dating, I began to see her more as friend and dumped her.  Literally three days later she was at a bar making out with guy she didn't even know.  I didn't find out until after I gave her a second chance.  When I found photos of her making out the guy on her digital camera, I dumped her again and she begged and pleaded with me for a full week via emails, texts, and voice mails, none of which I returned.  I stupidly took her back. 

After our divorce, she started dating a mere three months after our split.   Meanwhile, I continue to hurt, even though I have no desire to speak with her again or try to reunite with her. 

Put it this way, there is nothing wrong with you.  You could be the greatest guy on the planet, incredibly good looking, and have tons of money.  The bottom line is that these people with BPD need to feel validated... .  by anyone and everyone.  They will take the first train that arrives in the station that looks worthy for the trip.  My ex-wife's past boyfriends were all very different in appearance, personal success, and upbringing.  They were fat, short, tall, skinny, or in shape.  Jerks, good guys, pushovers, weirdos.  Absolutely nothing in common.  She did not have a "type" of guy she dated. 

My ex does have some standards... .  but really comes down to what she can get out of them. 

Always remember that they are mentally ill.  Normal people DO NOT rebound this way.  Normal people grieve, hurt, hide for a long time, and generally do not want to get involved with anyone until they are absolutely ready to give themselves to someone else.   

Never be jealous of the person they are currently dating.  They are not better than you are, they are merely the next vehicle they will crash into the wall.  They will be resented and replaced just like you were. 

[kikiromano]

Hey all,

I've been dumped over a year ago and he rebounded like lightspeed.

Can you give me any updates on your exes?

[Pets]

Never be jealous of the person they are currently dating.  They are not better than you are, they are merely the next vehicle they will crash into the wall.  They will be resented and replaced just like you were. 

Finding this really hard to do at the moment.  Even though I knew my uBPD exbf never had a successful relationship before (though they varied in length), I trusted all the "I've never felt like this about anyone before", "I'm committed to you", "I'll never break up with you" etc. etc.  I believed his relationship with me really was different than the ones that had gone before.

So, it's excruciatingly painful to be replaced so soon.  I hate jealousy, I'm not usually a jealous person, but I feel it every day with its bitter sting.  And also, it's very hard not to doubt myself, that somehow, maybe, I caused the failure of the relationship, by not being strong enough, not reacting in the right way, by not having a clue about BPD or reading the signs.  Which leads to the fear that his new gf is "better" than me and that she'll be able to make it work.  Although that's wrong in itself, because if I truly care about him and she is right for him, then surely, I should want that happiness for him.

How do you deal with the jealousy & self-doubt over the "replacement"?

[walksoftly]

Thank-you everyone for posting. It all sounds so incredibly familiar.

My wife was in a romantic relationship with a man while she was married to me. She is attractive (on the outside). I confronted him and he said " I couldn't believe she chased after me!" With emphasis on "me" as if he wasnt good enough. I was shocked as he is eleven yrs older than her, going through a third messy divorce, etc etc... .Not a threat at all in any way! Sorry but I had to contact him-big mistake I guess.

We went for dinner with our little daughter to show our daughter that separated couples can still be friends and my ex started to become emotionally abusive, then she kicked me, pushed me and punched me in front of my daughter!

Much more occurred, she tried to make me hit her and I wouldnt so she took her cell phone and hit herself in the head ten times with it. I reported her to the police and nothing came out of it in the end.Shes a social worker!

So she blamed our therapist for suggesting we go to dinner!

[hurting300]

People with borderline personality disorder do not grieve a relationship the way we do. Example; when they dump us out of no where and disappear they are with another and not thinking about us. We are grieving and In pain, depressed. Now here is the interesting part, the reason they 'reengage months or years later is because they have begun grieving us and thinking about us. They regret, they feel shamed... it takes time... .

[merlin4926]

I agree pets. I think if I did love and care for him I would be happy for him that he seems to be doing ok at the moment but I'm so hurt and jealous just don't know where to start

[shellbent]

My ex left her bf of 6 years to be with me.

She had wanted out of that relationship for probably close to a year.

She felt incredibly guilty about leaving the guy behind, but she had emotionally detached a long time before that. She actually started pursuing me as I knew she had a bf and didn't even really notice her. She found something irresistible about me and she eventually got my attention and made herself to be a victim and scarred, then left the guy in days. So she mourned the rs while still in it I guess.

We went out for almost a year and it wasn't like a rebound relationship at all.

We really did fall for each other.

However when it ended she started feeling insecure and was probably still feeling guilty and when she found out that her ex was dating someone new, she seemed to be bothered by it.

I don't have much proof, but I'm pretty sure she was trying to recycle him.

It always is about how they felt with that person, but it has nothing to do with the quality of that human being. If she loved him, she wouldn't have left him. She was saying he had not cared and maybe even cheated. All this she seemed to forget, because at the time he seemed like the only easy option. They start to remember when it suits them, when they need something they start to realize they didn't treat them right.

[carinadoll88]

they want to be wanted, and when you commit to them and guarantee a future together, they spaz out and destroy it.  insane.

Oh god that's exactly it :-( but does that mean they only "love" people when they're getting validated by them all the time, as in they don't really love them at all? Because in a healthy relationship where there's actual love each person will see the other person's wellbeing as being just as important as their own so there will be some give and take but with people with BPD they only seem to see the other person as being there for their own validation. Thus making partners easily replaceable and the idealisation-devaluation cycle unavoidable with anyone. Yeah I feel pretty worthless at the moment.

[Lostone1314]

Never be jealous of the person they are currently dating.  They are not better than you are, they are merely the next vehicle they will crash into the wall.  They will be resented and replaced just like you were. 

Finding this really hard to do at the moment.  Even though I knew my uBPD exbf never had a successful relationship before (though they varied in length), I trusted all the "I've never felt like this about anyone before", "I'm committed to you", "I'll never break up with you" etc. etc.  I believed his relationship with me really was different than the ones that had gone before.

So, it's excruciatingly painful to be replaced so soon.  I hate jealousy, I'm not usually a jealous person, but I feel it every day with its bitter sting.  And also, it's very hard not to doubt myself, that somehow, maybe, I caused the failure of the relationship, by not being strong enough, not reacting in the right way, by not having a clue about BPD or reading the signs.  Which leads to the fear that his new gf is "better" than me and that she'll be able to make it work.  Although that's wrong in itself, because if I truly care about him and she is right for him, then surely, I should want that happiness for him.

How do you deal with the jealousy & self-doubt over the "replacement"?

feel same pet ... jealousy always present and like you im not normally... live with it till i no longer feel it i guess... .had my exgf not cheated and rebounded within days it woulda been easier... cant wish them happiness at expense of my own but i do forgive esp if she is BPD

[shatra]

Allycat wrote

Regarding the mourning period that most of us nons need to heal after a relationship, I read somewhere that people with BPD may not mourn a relationship consciously the way that we do, but that the subconscious doesn't skip a beat. So all those unhealed wounds from failed relationships do build up within them and just pile on top of each other over time until it causes some massive emotional damage

---Sounds very true.  It is too painful for the BPD to consciously feel the feelings and cope with the loss... .so they try to deny the feelings , and they may look for someone new right away to distract themselves from the pain of loss.  It's like a kid losing a friend and then as a defense saying "He wasn't good anyway. I don't miss him"  But subconsciously, and in rare moments consciously, the pain is there

[ShadowIntheNight]

they desperately want to be wanted. when we were together, she would always ask why isnt she getting proposals for marriage (she comes from a culture of arranged marriage). i would always think... .  why does it matter, you are with me. so many times she has said she would get so much attention when she was younger, now nearing 29 she barely gets any attention.

she has blown up on me saying she needs her parents' approval, she needs her society's approval. i never comprehended what the hell is she saying. but after knowing all about BPD... .  they desperately want to be wanted. that fear of abandonment or experience of abandonment just eats at them if they are not wanted. right now she is desperately looking to get married. lets see if she does though.

Your post reminded me of something my uBPDexgf said quite a bit in the first several years of our relationship. I would tell her she was wonderful or gorgeous or something like that and she'd always say "Nobody else says so," and she said it quite disappointedly. And I always challenged her with who else do you want to say it. She would drop it after that. But honestly it hurt my feelings because the implication, in my mind, was that she wanted someone besides me saying it!

My uPBDexgf is of Hispanic descent. Her mother really controls her, I've come to realize. And she is excruciatingly concerned of what everyone thinks of her. This woman is a therapist. She counsels people on a daily basis about being their authentic self. I now wonder who she saw whenever she looked in the mirror. Clearly it wasn't the person I thought I was seeing.

[ShadowIntheNight]

People with borderline personality disorder do not grieve a relationship the way we do. Example; when they dump us out of no where and disappear they are with another and not thinking about us. We are grieving and In pain, depressed. Now here is the interesting part, the reason they 'reengage months or years later is because they have begun grieving us and thinking about us. They regret, they feel shamed... it takes time... .

It remains to be seen, and you may be right. Even though my ex and I haven't spoken in a year, i have received twice monthly silent hang up calls since last September. Not going into the cruelty and nastiness of the way she abandoned our relationship (no breakup, just her ghosting me with absolutely no explanation after 9.5 years), but if she doesn't feel guilt and remorse eventually she is a bigger dog than I currently believe her to be. Maybe one of these days that guilt and remorse will lead her to Speak!