Differing sex drives

[toomanyeggshells]

My live-in uBPDbf has, for today at least, decided that we need to have conversations and try to resolve some of our issues.  We've discussed his anger, rage and abusive behavior and he says he knows that he needs to make changes.  Not to sound unsupportive, but I've certainly heard that song before.  Anyway ... .

My question at this point is about sex.  That's a conversation that we started to have last night and it didn't go very well.  This is the issue - he wants me to perform a sex act on him (ugh, TMI) every night.  His mindset is that if I love him, I should have no problem doing that every night and sometimes more than once per day.  I've told him how his "requests" put so much pressure and tension on me that I don't want to be involved in anything with him.  He'd rather sit back and receive that then actually have sex where both of us get something out of it. This has been going on for years and most times I give in just to shut him up (not every day at all but more than I'd like).  I know its enabling of me and it makes me sick that I've done that.  Now, after 5-1/2 years of living together, I'm not willing to continue to be at his beck and call as far as this goes.  I've tried telling him that I'm more than willing to have sex (actual sex) more often than we do (which is hardly ever) rather than the other, but he is insistent that "its what I'm supposed to do as his gf". 

There is no compromise with him on this subject, or any other for that matter, but for me, I'm at a breaking point already and this has to change or its a deal breaker.  When I don't give him what he wants on this subject, he rages.  In the beginning of our living together, he'd physically push me out of bed when I said no.  Now, he just rages and I sleep in the spare bedroom. 

I need some ideas or thoughts on how to move forward with this if anyone can help.   

[JQ]

Toomany,

hello   

Welcome to the group if this is your first time and welcome back if you've been here before. We don't judge here because we're going through or have been through what you're going through right now with someone who we care for that is BPD.

So, I don't know how much you've read about someone who has BPD, but in part your describing the temper tantrum of a 3 year old when they don't get what they want. You've been in the grocery store and saw that 3 year old "tyrant" screaming, raging to get what they want until mom or dad give in and give it to them, (sound familiar) They need to put in a boundary and they need to learn this and the consequences both good or bad for those boundaries. Sometimes it might be a slight butt paddling ... .or the parent packs the kid up and leaves the store. For you and your temper tantrum throwing bf you need to decide what the consequences are if you set a boundary.

SO the question to you, are you ready to put in a boundary? There are many resources available to learn to put in boundaries and how to stick to them. The BPD is as you know emotional stunted as a 3 year old toddler and behaves as such. Studies suggest that BPDs crave, need boundaries set because they didn't have them when they were growing up. They need that structor, they need you to be the parent and learn to say no, not now, maybe later, etc. SO when you say no & he rages or pushes you out of the bed. Instead you say no and when the temper tantrum starts just look at him and with a calm voice tell him that you don't want to be around him while he is raging / angry so until you calm down I'm going in the other bedroom to sleep. You're disrespecting me and I'm not going to be around for you to verbally / physically / emotional abuse me, so I'm going to the spare bedroom. And mean it ... .don't give in.  Your going to need to take baby steps, explain things if you do this, I will do this. you're going to take a couple of steps backwards every once in a while but catch yourself and move forward again.

I've put in several boundaries on my exBPDgf like, I don't like it when you hang up on me during a phone call. It's not nice for someone you care for and disrespectful. She said your right and it's not been a problem since then. Then we moved on to a another boundary I set ... .then another ... .& slowly ... .very slowly its working ... .or seems to be. If you're going to be in a relationship with someone who has BPD it's going to test your patience like never before. You're going to have to be the adult. When you tell a three year old no you can't have more cake ... .they put their hands over their ears and yell at the top of their lungs ... ."nanananananan I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"       You have to keep a since of humor in here ... .but it's true and it sounds as if your bf is doing the same thing. If I don't get my way I'm going to throw a temper tantrum and stomp my foot and say NO! I want that! 

What he is doing is emotional abuse and it's not right. It's mental abuse AND it's not right. It's ok to say NO ... .he not respecting you as a person much less as a s/o. So as Bruce Willis says ... .RESPECT YOURSELF!     https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYwE8cbYlNU    Like I said ... .you've got to have some humor & enjoy a moment or your going lose yourself ... . 

Since this has been going on for more then 5 years it's going to be a challenge for you Toomany. Since he is uBPD, does he have any other 9 symptoms of BPD?  I might suggest reading references on this website, and read books like "I love you I hate you don't leave me", "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and the "Human Magnet Syndrome" all you can find at your local library.

Read all you can, learn all that you can, come back for guidance, to vent, to be with people who understand what you're going through ... .we're here for you ... . 

JQ

[OnceConfused]

Relationship is when 2 people give some and take some from each other. That is how we create bonding, through the good and the bad time because we know the other person will be there FOR us.

LIke Gary Chapman in his 5 love languages talked about the sustainable love where one gives something like pouring the right gas into the other person's love engine, then the other person must pour the right gas back into your love engine. Otherwise, your love engine will run dry and the love will stop and the r.s dies.

In your case, you have given him the right gas for his love engine (sex, sex or physical touch) but what kind of gas has he put in your love engine? If he has not and does not, then you are heading to an inevitable demise of your r.s. - that is exactly how you feel right now as your love engine is running dry.

So you have to see whether he is willing to fill your love engine with the right gas type like affirmation, gift, service, physical touch, or quality time. You must feel LOVED before you can continue give back Love. If he cannot give you that (it does not matter whether he is BPD or non), then YOUR MUTUAL LOVE CANNOT BE SUSTAINED.

[JQ]

Relationship is when 2 people give some and take some from each other. That is how we create bonding, through the good and the bad time because we know the other person will be there FOR us.

LIke Gary Chapman in his 5 love languages talked about the sustainable love where one gives something like pouring the right gas into the other person's love engine, then the other person must pour the right gas back into your love engine. Otherwise, your love engine will run dry and the love will stop and the r.s dies.

In your case, you have given him the right gas for his love engine (sex, sex or physical touch) but what kind of gas has he put in your love engine? If he has not and does not, then you are heading to an inevitable demise of your r.s. - that is exactly how you feel right now as your love engine is running dry.

So you have to see whether he is willing to fill your love engine with the right gas type like affirmation, gift, service, physical touch, or quality time. You must feel LOVED before you can continue give back Love. If he cannot give you that (it does not matter whether he is BPD or non), then YOUR MUTUAL LOVE CANNOT BE SUSTAINED.

Onceconfused,

Hi    I must admit that I kinda chucked at the "love engine & gas comment" as I've never heard it referred to that but I like the analogy. The idea is pretty much spot on in a "normal" relationship HOWEVER,  as we all know any relationship, (s/o, mother, son, brother,etc) who have BPD is far from normal.  From my understanding of different readings, there will never be a 50/50 split, equal partnership, of giving in a relationship with a BPD. The non will always have to be the one who will give more effort, more patience, more love, more soul, more heart for the life of the relationship. It's not to say that someone with BPD is exempt from that responsibility ... .but it'll be a lifetime of therapy to continue to work towards that "Nirvana" of a relationship. It's what I'm battling now ... .do i stay knowing that I have to learn a complete new language, that of the BPD and the correct way to engage her with her validation, triangulation, projection, deregulation, black & white, push / pull behavior, constant setting & her testing boundaries, with her anxiety, her rages, her stress level & at the same time managing my own personal mental health to cope with the additional stresses, emotion, day to day drama that comes from being in a relationship with a s/o with BPD. Or at my age just north of 50 do I move forward in my life with my remaining years in a more mutually respectful, loving, caring friendship relationship enjoying the years I have left on this planet. Regardless of how much you love someone with BPD, i can't control it, I can't cure it and I sure didn't cause it. IMHO, what each one of us has to decide is are we strong enough to stay ... .are we strong enough to move on if needed? You only get one life that is very short and for no reason, no fault of your own you can be taking off this planet for no fault of your own. I was reminded of that this week when I was hit by a car on a bicycle ride. Half a second more and I would be flirting with Marilyn Monroe & singing jail house rock with Elvis.     Hey I'm learning that in the world of the BPD, that a non has to keep a since of humor or it's going to eat you up inside.

I can agree that I have shared some incredible moments with my exBPDgf that has in her words, "we connected so deeply when we talk that sex is deeply passionate and erotic like never before, bonding". But less then an hour later she feels she's loosing control of the situation and lashes out, rages, and I deal with the Mr. Hyde of the two until I calm her down and we can breath easy once again.

Using your analogy of Gary Chapman pouring the right gas into the other person's love engine ... .the non would be 87 Octane, cheaper, easier to get, good enough for most cars/situations. A BPD is certainly HIGH OCTANE 93 or higher used for high maintenance type of cars that are rare and need the extra energy it provides. I would also agree that you TOOMANY are in need to fill up your gas tank because you lady are running on fumes and are about to run out of gas. I can't tell you how to fill up your tank ... .maybe it's time to really reevaluate your s/o relationship.

Why do you really love him? Is this the type of relationship you want 10 months from now much less 10 years from now? Does he respect you? Will he be a good father to your kids? Will he teach your children by example of what a loving, caring, mutually respectful, my best friend relationship is like?  Will he continue to abuse you ... .because what you're going through can be considered emotional abuse, mental abuse, physical abuse and certainly you could argue sexual abuse and none ... .NONE of it is ok and you need to learn to say no to ANY type of abuse.  Has he ever been in therapy? I found out that my significant other was sexually & emotional abused by her older brother for years. He acted out in the manner he did but only realized it decades later when his sister confronted him in a letter of what she went through ... .all of this was supervised by more then one therapist/doctor. He was much the same way because of a sexual incident that happen to him as a child ... .I'm not saying this is the same case but it sounds eerily familiar.

Why do you love him ... .why do you really love him TOOMANY?  

JQ

[apollotech]

Hi too many,

That, him asking you to perform a specific act with no reciprocation on his part, sounds like him avoiding intimacy while still receiving sexual release.

How does he do when y'all actually have intimacy, whether sex is involved or not? Does he have engulfment issues surrounding said intimacy? You know him, so you should be able to recognize his behavioral changes as a result of different circumstances.

[JohnLove]

Hello toomanyeggshells, I don't think this falls quite onto the category of differing sex drives, I feel this is more attuned to sexual abuse, whether for self gratification, or power, or control, or whatever BPD reason... .he's testing you. Set a boundary.

[JQ]

Hello toomanyeggshells, I don't think this falls quite onto the category of differing sex drives, I feel this is more attuned to sexual abuse, whether for self gratification, or power, or control, or whatever BPD reason... .he's testing you. Set a boundary.

TOOMANY

I would agree with JohnLove statement of power & control & it is sexual abuse and it certainly must NOT be tolerated !  As we said Toomany, set the boundary !  There will be lash out, he will rage like a 3 year old that doesn't get what they want so stay strong.  ANY type of abuse is NOT ok and you need to take care of yourself!. 

We're here for you!

JQ