Have someone that is a BPD wife or is very immature

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

I have a wife who's behaviors fall almost perfectly into the BPD category.  The therapist that we are seeing (I had to take extreme measures to get my wife to see the therapist) thinks that my wife is BPD or is very immature.  I have two boys of 4 and 2 years old.

The therapist suggests for myself setting boundaries like calling the police when she makes suicide threats, leaving the house with the kids for an hour, and letting her leave the country if she tries to blackmail me that way.  The therapist thinks if I do that then this behavior will either stop or my wife will continue to take these crazy actions anyway and then she can be evaluated in an ER.

I have a hard time trusting this therapist on this matter because my wife manipulated her into saying my Asperger's and lack of communication skills was the cause of the problems in the relationship previously.  I had to really forcibly communicate to this therapist what really happened between me and my wife for the therapist to start to see the truth about the lies my wife was saying.

The thing that I am sure the therapist is right about and has assisted me on is to be assertive.  Now that I'm no longer taking blame and have some idea how to handle things, I feel a lot stronger now and am more resistant to my wife's attempts to cause me to imbalance.

A lot of people have told me that I should leave the relationship.  There are a few people (including the therapist) that say that I should stay and try to work this out.

My questions are these right now:

Is this strategy going to work?  Will this damage my kids?  Would my wife be capable of true intimacy and empathy?

[Aaron1979]

Hello,

I have a wife who's behaviors fall almost perfectly into the BPD category.  The therapist that we are seeing (I had to take extreme measures to get my wife to see the therapist) thinks that my wife is BPD or is very immature.  I have two boys of 4 and 2 years old.

The therapist suggests for myself setting boundaries like calling the police when she makes suicide threats, leaving the house with the kids for an hour, and letting her leave the country if she tries to blackmail me that way.  The therapist thinks if I do that then this behavior will either stop or my wife will continue to take these crazy actions anyway and then she can be evaluated in an ER.

I have a hard time trusting this therapist on this matter because my wife manipulated her into saying my Asperger's and lack of communication skills was the cause of the problems in the relationship previously.  I had to really forcibly communicate to this therapist what really happened between me and my wife for the therapist to start to see the truth about the lies my wife was saying.

The thing that I am sure the therapist is right about and has assisted me on is to be assertive.  Now that I'm no longer taking blame and have some idea how to handle things, I feel a lot stronger now and am more resistant to my wife's attempts to cause me to imbalance.

A lot of people have told me that I should leave the relationship.  There are a few people (including the therapist) that say that I should stay and try to work this out.

My questions are these right now:

Is this strategy going to work?  Will this damage my kids?  Would my wife be capable of true intimacy and empathy?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[married21years]

listen to the therapist,

she needs a separate therapist to fix herself, and has to want to

you cannot force her into therapy that is a huge mistake.

you have to look after you and the kids and stay centered.

read a lot of the lessons before any decision

GL 

[Aaron1979]

My wife thinks nothing is wrong with her and thinks I have too much stress (as if suicide threats and emotional blackmail wouldn't make any stress!).  The therapist seems to think she can work with my wife and save the marriage through me setting boundaries along with the therapist talking to my wife.  I'm not sure if it's realistic or not to continue indefinitely.  It is helping for now because she has stopped yelling, throwing, hitting, threatening, using the kids against me, and blackmailing me for the last few weeks. 

She still has trouble with people that tell her the truth about what she is doing and usually blames me or the person approaching her with the behavior issue.  She still wants control and had issues before she met me. 

When I asked the therapist whether my wife has BPD or is immature the therapist responded that it doesn't matter.

The extreme measure I used was either the end of the relationship or therapy with a licensed therapist.  That behavior had to stop.