A Testament To My Detachment?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I just talked to my ex on the phone for over an hour. I had S5 and D3 tonight. Normally, I would ignore the call, but both kids are starting school.

She volunteered a lot of info, as did I. we're two years seperated, but only 1.5 since she moved out. S5 triggered a lot tonight. I told her that he wished we both would die and that he wished he could just be with God. I may have been bugging him, but I asked why he was mad at his mom. No answer. I asked if it was because she no longer lived here and he said yes. I validated the best I could. When I told his mom that, she said she had the same struggle and told him she wished things could be different (kind of a burn on the OM, now step dad... .validating to me, but not helpful).

We were talking college savings accounts and investments afterwards. I could sense she was done talking, since she got what she wanted out of me. I told her that I was going to hang up, since by her clipped responses ("yes, ok, yes, mmhm", she was done with me and had lost interest in the conversation. She laughed. Not in a mean way, but more like she realized she was like that.

In olden days, l would have felt angry by being invalidated. Instead, I laughed it off as well and hung up. She called me because she needed to all about a few issues. Even 6 months ago, I would have been angry very her invalidating tone. Now, however, I realize that she is who she is, and more importantly, I am who I am.

[Turkish]

I just talked to my ex on the phone for over an hour. I had S5 and D3 tonight. Normally, I would ignore the call, but both kids are starting school.

She volunteered a lot of info, as did I. we're two years seperated, but only 1.5 since she moved out. S5 triggered a lot tonight. I told her that he wished we both would die and that he wished he could just be with God. I may have been bugging him, but I asked why he was mad at his mom. No answer. I asked if it was because she no longer lived here and he said yes. I validated the best I could. When I told his mom that, she said she had the same struggle and told him she wished things could be different (kind of a burn on the OM, now step dad... .validating to me, but not helpful).

We were talking college savings accounts and investments afterwards. I could sense she was done talking, since she got what she wanted out of me. I told her that I was going to hang up, since by her clipped responses ("yes, ok, yes, mmhm", she was done with me and had lost interest in the conversation. She laughed. Not in a mean way, but more like she realized she was like that.

In olden days, l would have felt angry by being invalidated. Instead, I laughed it off as well and hung up. She called me because she needed to all about a few issues. Even 6 months ago, I would have been angry very her invalidating tone. Now, however, I realize that she is who she is, and more importantly, I am who I am.

[Sadly]

I like this, I really like this.

I realize that she is who she is, and more importantly, I am who I am.

You must be so very proud of yourself to get to this point. God or who ever grant the strength to all of us to get there too.

[sas1729]

Hey everyone,

Turkish I like your story. It shows the strength that we all need (and have deep down inside) to get through this.

I've said this before, but it does seem like the majority of threads on this forum involve lfBPDexes. Low functioning meaning having troubles with finances or anger management (public shouting and possibly physical abuse). Being involved with a pwBPD of that nature has its host of challenges. High functioning pwBPD bring their own set of challenges. I don't want to say which is harder; it's all difficult and painful. Maybe the pain is manifested in different ways, but we all went through emotional trauma that we did not deserve.

It's interesting, still, to have this thread about hfBPD. My ex just had a way of making me feel responsible for problems and in the wrong. The few times, and they were genuinely rare, that she actually acted in a "crazy" fashion (fighting in public, etc), really pushed me along towards ending the relationship. Maybe my tolerance for subversive pain such as logic traps and manipulation was much higher than anything "crazy" from her. I think the damage caused by a hfBPD relationship may also be different because of this. I said earlier that I completely lost myself, meaning my identity, to the relationship. I stopped pursuing my hobbies, pushed away my family, and infrequently saw my friends. Everyone on the outside could see how bad the situation was, but the logic games we played within the relationship kept me trapped.

Trampled self-confidence and a dispelled identity are a bad combination, and intrinsically it led to a basic fear of facing the world without my BPDex. She was my world and my identity, and the rest did not matter. I have read several threads and posts about perpetually "breaking up" and getting back together within a week or so. This never happened in my relationship. Yes, I was "sent away" (like being punished with a time-out as a child) and those moments terrified me. But there was never a mention of a breakup. Inevitably the time-out would end in a day or so, and I would return to her place. I basically lived there, and we almost never spent time at my place. My apt was not as nice, but the key is that it was MY apt. I had my things there, my decorations, my photographs, my identity. But none of that was valued very much.

All of this is just me trying to look at how the pain can be different based on how high functioning our BPDexes were. I truly don't know what it is like to be with someone who shouts a lot, pushes you around, breaks up only to bombard you with texts... .I can only imagine that it must be a whirlwind of crazy that leaves you staggered when it finally ends. For my case, though, I was left an empty shell with trampled self-confidence. Instead of it ending with a thunderstorm, my ending was silence. I don't know how many can relate, but I think if some can then they would be posting on this thread.

[sas1729]

I am so sorry Turkish. I meant to post this in the thread about hfBPDs!