Feeling down, coming to terms with my need to leave

[adventurer]

I think I am finally getting over my fear of the unknown and my anxiety about all the things a divorce will entail. I still feel a lot of guilt, guilt that I have failed my wife and my marriage. Guilt for being 'selfish' for expecting her to help pay the bills. I admit I am still in the fog a little bit. Everyone I have talked to about our relationship thinks I am completely crazy to have paid for everything for 10 years while we are unable to save any money or take care of household upkeep for lack of funds. I see that it is wrong, too, but emotionally I feel like this is a selfish reason to be unhappy.

But, I know I need to get out of this. Even if I end up paying alimony for the rest of my life I will be better off alone. I'm getting a bonus from work next march and I will then have the funds needed to get away. In two months I should have enough funds to retain a lawyer and get the process started.

We are doing some enjoyable things in the meantime but I still carry a lot of anger and resentment. I am able to validate and avoid conflict so things are mostly smooth but I am just so very sad that she is unable to be a true partner to me in life.

I've lived the past 6-8 years thinking, if things don't change by THIS year, I'll leave. And I've never left. But what has finally changed is me, 2 years of self-improvement and therapy and I'm just now starting to be able to accept this reality. I've grown a lot and learned how to see through the manipulations and the emotional abuse. My wife may not even be BPD but a lot of the behaviors are there. I will never be happy in this marriage and it just makes me feel so terrible and guilty to leave her.

I still sometimes worry about what she will do in life without my help but I have to remember she was able to work jobs just fine before we were married. Because we're no fault stated she will end up with tens of thousands of dollars from my 401k and house equity so she won't be hurting too bad. It was her choice to drop out of college and do nothing with her life. I was young and dumb and failed to heed the red flags at the time but I am stronger and wiser now. I guess they call this stage 'acceptance'.

I just hope I'm strong enough to make it through what happens next.

[UndauntedDad]

You ARE strong enough, Adventurer.  Your years of work and effort to make your marriage work are evidence of that.  You had the strength to stay all of these years, you had the self-awareness and self-esteem to recognize that you need to change things.  It sounds simple but actually, for me, recognizing that there was a real problem was extremely difficult!

I guess that's why

"the key about denial is that you don't believe you are in it."

I know it is hard, and you are probably full of doubt, and a lot of guilt.  I know this because I could have written your post; you echoed my feelings.  I'm plagued by guilt, and constantly questioning if I'm a terrible person for wanting to leave my uBPDw after 15 yrs, when she needs help so much.  Yesterday my therapist (a clinical psychologist with lots of BPD experience) told me, "I don't think you should let guilt guide your decision... .she is terrified to be alone and that was the glue that held your marriage together."

I finally am accepting that it's better to say, "My wife needs help" than to say, "My wife needs me."

Good luck, adventurer, and keep posting and reading here. Thanks.  A lot of us are going through similar things.

[joeramabeme]

Adventurer, great post!  Your thoughts are very lucid and seem well thought out.  You are not being impulsive and this sounds like it has occurred across a long duration, go with your gut feelings.

I've lived the past 6-8 years thinking, if things don't change by THIS year, I'll leave. And I've never left. But what has finally changed is me, 2 years of self-improvement and therapy and I'm just now starting to be able to accept this reality. I've grown a lot and learned how to see through the manipulations and the emotional abuse. My wife may not even be BPD but a lot of the behaviors are there. I will never be happy in this marriage and it just makes me feel so terrible and guilty to leave her.



I highlighted this part of your post b/c I was in your shoes 8 months ago.  I had the years of therapy and when I was not directly under the influence of the FOG, it was clear what needed to happen and that things would never change unless she did. 

Like you, I questioned my authority to say my wife is BPD.  I debated this for so long and even this got caught up in the FOG.  But in the end the thing I felt most assured to say was she has many of the traits, and that is sufficient to make a decision for your own welfare.   

Here is something that helped me tremendously clear the guilt and shame and questions about labeling her. The ultimate consistent thread when reviewing her abusive and manipulative behavior was her fear of intimacy.  When I went back through all the "events" that happened, I could see the crazy making was the result of this. 

When things were going well, a new crisis or "event" happened.  There was a new way to emotionally abuse (push away).  When things were difficult (after the event), she would shine and be my hero and rock I thought she was the best wife anyone could ask for (pull).  This cycle of come here and go away was so pervasive.  BUT, I did not see this at the time of the "events" because I was being too literal, taking them all at face value. 

With this newfound awareness, I could see that there would be no way that I could do anything to change that about her.  Now, perhaps I could've/Would've/Should've, but really, if she can't see it, there is no way for me to talk to it. 

I also think that what makes the FOG harder to get through, at least for me, is that I know she loved me deeply and sincerely.  She could not see the pain her words and actions caused.  I tried to tell her.  She genuinely did not understand.  In fact, she frequently blamed me for her actions, another way to keep her from not seeing. 

In BPD theory, this is staying safe from the core wounds that a person with these traits has that keeps repeating this behavior.  Until they see it, there is nothing that can be done except take care of your self.  You can't help someone else by stepping in the way of their loaded gun.  Or as my therapist used to say; whether you are shot by accident or not, you are still shot!

Hang in there.  I am one month from my wife's departure.  I wont sugar coat it, it has been hard.  But I have started to have lucid moments, like the one I described above about push-pull.  As these ideas congeal, my healthier sense of self has reassured me that this was inevtiable.  Further, I am sure that had I stayed another 10 years, I would have slipped far away from the person I was intended to be in this life.  That is not love.  Love is 2 people celebrating their differences and building each other up, not tearing down. 

Best wishes, Joe

[adventurer]

Thanks for your responses. The support, feedback and insight from people on these boards has really helped me so much through this difficult journey.

[disillusionedandsore]

"if she can't see it, there is no way for me to talk to it. 

In BPD theory, this is staying safe from the core wounds that a person with these traits has that keeps repeating this behavior. 

Until they see it, there is nothing that can be done except take care of yourself"

Well said,  wise words. 

[ReclaimingMyLife]

I finally am accepting that it's better to say, "My wife needs help" than to say, "My wife needs me."

Very well said,  Undaunted Dad.   Such an accurate and critical distinction.  

I am already saying it to myself.   My new mantra:  "he needs help.  He doesn't need me."

This is the answer to every "what if,  maybe if,  I wish,  if only" thought I have about him.

Thank you!