The recovery of a woman with a BPD mother

[survivor1990]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, but have known for a good few years that my mother likely has BPD (I am training to be a psychologist so pretty sure about this). I decided to join this forum after constantly feeling 'I wish someone knew how horrific it is growing up with a BPD mother' and 'I wish other people were able to understand how damaging my mother is'.

I grew up with my sister, mother and father, and there was a lot of domestic violence. I was neglected and abused in many ways, and am now trying to overcome the trauma I have sustained as a result of this (using trauma-focused therapy). Acknowledging how bad things were has brought up a lot of anger in me; mostly that I never had (and never will have) a childhood. I never had that sense of safety or secuirty, and was constantly parentified - always feeling that I had to hold the family togeather. I also have a really deep sense that I am fundamentally 'bad' (not sure if that makes sense). I also have a lot of difficulties relying on anyone in an emotional way because I feel they will let me down. As a result, I struggle to seek help and sometimes opt to isolate myself.

As I have grown up, I have become stronger and realised that I do not need my mother. In fact, I have decided I will not allow her abuse to continue. As a result, I have been putting some rules in place, such as not allowing her to have a key to my house and not speaking to her if she is being abusive. Since then, my mother has almost cut contact with me. I have gone from the idealised child to the evil child, and my sister has gone from the evil child to the idealised child (which is causing a lot of problems in our relationship too). Part of me wants to cut her out of my life completely, but on the other hand I know her biggest fear is being abandoned (and I dont want to be the one who reiinforces that).

Thankfully I have a good support network around me including my friends, boyfriend, and extended family that my mother had previously not allowed me to have contact with. However, some days are really hard. I feel like she tries her best to push me away and make me feel worthless.

I'd like to hear from people with similar experiences or thoughts.

Rose

[Kwamina]

Hi survivor1990

It sounds like you had quite a difficult childhood with your BPD mother. I am sorry you've had these experiences. I too have an undiagnosed BPD mother, but based on what I know am also pretty sure she has this disorder.

Many of our members here in fact have undiagnosed BPD parents, often as a result of their disordered parents being unwilling to acknowledge that there might be something wrong with their behavior so refusing to seek help. Has your mother ever in any way acknowledged there might be something wrong with the way she behaves and treats you? Has she perhaps ever been diagnosed with any other mental, emotional and/or behavioral disorder?

Being neglected and abused as a child and dealing with domestic violence is horrible. To the right of this message board we have the Survivors' Guide for adults who suffered childhood abuse. The guide takes you from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages:

1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing

Each stage consists of 7 steps. When you look at the Survivors' Guide, where do you feel you are now?

I am glad you currently have a good support network, that can be very helpful when dealing with these difficult and painful things. I am also very glad you are reaching out for support here. Many of our members know what it's like to have a BPD parent and how damaging this can be. Reading their stories can be very insightful.

Take care and I encourage you to keep posting here, welcome to our online community

[survivor1990]

Hey,

Thank you for the welcome and for your kind words!

My mum ackowledges that she has difficulties with feeling abandoned or rejected by people, and she also recognises that these feelings come from her past. I have brought up the idea of having therapy to help her cope with this, but she just says she doesn't need it and has her own way of coping.

She has been admitted to a psychiatric hospital in the past (in her 20's) - this was many decades ago, so in those days they just called it 'neurosis'. She doesn't tend to talk about her current difficulties with her doctor because she won't take responsibility for it. She associates her problems with other people to a large extent.

I never knew about the guide for childhood abuse. This is a great resource that i'll definately look through. I'm looking forward to reading other people's posts and contributing to the community!

[Kwamina]

Hi again survivor1990

My mum ackowledges that she has difficulties with feeling abandoned or rejected by people, and she also recognises that these feelings come from her past. I have brought up the idea of having therapy to help her cope with this, but she just says she doesn't need it and has her own way of coping.

It's very unfortunate that your mother doesn't take responsibility for her actions and is unwilling to seek treatment. Has she ever elaborated to you on what she means exactly with her own ways of coping? What would you describe as her main coping strategies?

[survivor1990]

Hi kwamina,

She said that her way or coping is to cut out of her life whatever is triggering feelings of rejection. At the moment the trigger is me, meaning we have very little contact(her choice). I said to her that she needs to weigh up the pros and cons of that coping strategy - obviously one of the cons being that we do not have a relationship,which she says she would like to have. She likes to blame me for the lack of relationship, but this is actually her choice.

From my point of view, I think she rejects people who she think will reject her - a kind of 'I'll get you before you get me'. She also copes by using avoidance of the problem and avoiding talking about it. She buries her head in her work as a way of distracting herself. She avoids taking any responsibility for her role in problems and instead blames others. She often projects her own feelings onto me - for example she says the only reason I am with my boyfriend(we have had 4very happy years together) is because I am very insecure and lack confidence and will have anyone who shows me a bit of affection (bearing in mind this is not me at all).

I have suggested therapy to her and said I think she needs help to develop better ways of coping and to help her work through issues from the past. She says she doesn't need it and I don't understand why she says that because she is clearly an extremely unhappy woman, which is sad. I told her deserves better from life than to go around thinking everyone hates her and is goi to reject her. I don't know if she is frightened about opening pandoras box as it were. She has had therapy before I believe, but she was extremely unstable and was admitted to Psychiatric hospital, so I wonder if she worries about that happening again. I have thought about offering to go with her to therapy - I've even thought about offering to pay for it. I guess I just want a mum so badly and the thought of her never getting help fills me with despair and hopelessness :-(

[Kwamina]

From my point of view, I think she rejects people who she think will reject her - a kind of 'I'll get you before you get me'.

I think you could be right about this. Many people with BPD have an intense fear of abandonment. The irony is that by their own behavior they often create the abandonment they fear so much. People with BPD often tend to engage in pull-and-push dynamics with the people in their lives. It could very well be that your mother indeed rejects people first as a sort of preemptive strike. As a result of her intense fear of abandonment she might feel the rejection is coming anyway and by making the first move she perhaps feels like she at least has some control (over her life) now. This might momentarily make her feel empowered and less like the victim being abandoned. More likely than not though, this sense of empowerment will be very fleeting.

You also talk about your mother projecting her own feelings onto you. That is indeed a behavior very common in people with BPD. You might find the following workshop interesting:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

I have suggested therapy to her and said I think she needs help to develop better ways of coping and to help her work through issues from the past. She says she doesn't need it and I don't understand why she says that because she is clearly an extremely unhappy woman, which is sad. I told her deserves better from life than to go around thinking everyone hates her and is goi to reject her. I don't know if she is frightened about opening pandoras box as it were. She has had therapy before I believe, but she was extremely unstable and was admitted to Psychiatric hospital, so I wonder if she worries about that happening again. I have thought about offering to go with her to therapy - I've even thought about offering to pay for it.

It's very unfortunate that your mother doesn't really acknowledge her issues and refuses to get help. We (unfortunately) can't make our loved ones change if they don't want to. What we can do is change our own behavior and by doing so we will change the dynamics of the relationships with our loved ones, regardless of whether they themselves change or not.

I guess I just want a mum so badly and the thought of her never getting help fills me with despair and hopelessness :-(

Your feelings of despair and hopelessness are something I can relate to. It isn't easy accepting the reality of having a BPD parent because accepting this also means letting go of the 'fantasy' parent we never had, probably will never have yet still might long for very much. Do you feel like you've been able to accept the reality that your mother likely has BPD and that you have been able to let go of the 'fantasy' mother?