Day 6 no contact and I caved

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm feeling so sad tonight because I was doing so good and had 6 days of no contact with my BPD boyfriend.  Until today... .I texted him to see if he wanted his clothes he left here.  I truly can't look at them anymore.  I've been feeling so empty and so sad for the past week just having the clothes here is killing me.  I finally decided to break things off after 8 months of his lying, hiding and deceiving me. This includes, doing heroin in my bathroom, lying to me about it even though I caught him red handed and found the used needle.  Lying to me to my face about using, then finding multiple baggies a needle cap, a cotton ball and a white stained water cap under his seat in his car.  He then told me he was selling heroin not " using it", after my final straw( yes I gave him that many chances to " change" was finding yet another needle cap, he tells me he stabs himself with needles, cuts himself, and thinks a demon has entered his soul when he was using drugs. Btw, he still never admitted to using drugs, even though he blew out a vein in his forarm, which I've had to look at while he sleeps along with searching his arms for needle marks.  This man has turned my world upside down. I left my husband of 20 years for him, moved my three children out of my marital home and tore my family apart.  He most recently asked me multiple  times to live together, like none of the above incidents happened at all. I am completely baffled. After learning he was harming himself I found info about BPD and actually gave him an online quiz, he answered 10 out of 10 with yes ! He needs help, why am I the one who feels terrible? I did nothing but love him and show him respect . I got used and walked on and feel pretty low. I used to think I was an excellent judge of character. Now I feel I was his prey. I'm devastated.

[Mag0178]

I'm feeling so sad tonight because I was doing so good and had 6 days of no contact with my BPD boyfriend.  Until today... .I texted him to see if he wanted his clothes he left here.  I truly can't look at them anymore.  I've been feeling so empty and so sad for the past week just having the clothes here is killing me.  I finally decided to break things off after 8 months of his lying, hiding and deceiving me. This includes, doing heroin in my bathroom, lying to me about it even though I caught him red handed and found the used needle.  Lying to me to my face about using, then finding multiple baggies a needle cap, a cotton ball and a white stained water cap under his seat in his car.  He then told me he was selling heroin not " using it", after my final straw( yes I gave him that many chances to " change" was finding yet another needle cap, he tells me he stabs himself with needles, cuts himself, and thinks a demon has entered his soul when he was using drugs. Btw, he still never admitted to using drugs, even though he blew out a vein in his forarm, which I've had to look at while he sleeps along with searching his arms for needle marks.  This man has turned my world upside down. I left my husband of 20 years for him, moved my three children out of my marital home and tore my family apart.  He most recently asked me multiple  times to live together, like none of the above incidents happened at all. I am completely baffled. After learning he was harming himself I found info about BPD and actually gave him an online quiz, he answered 10 out of 10 with yes ! He needs help, why am I the one who feels terrible? I did nothing but love him and show him respect . I got used and walked on and feel pretty low. I used to think I was an excellent judge of character. Now I feel I was his prey. I'm devastated.

[Mutt]

Hi Mag0178,



I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can see how this would feel devastating when we trust someone and they are being dishonest with us. I can see how hard that this would be for your family   Your 6 days NC with your pwBPD. Do you talk to your H ( husband )?

[Loosestrife]

It's okay to break NC for practical reasons, just make sure it's only once - to return ALL his stuff. How are you feeling today? 

[kairorose]

I'm feeling so sad tonight because I was doing so good and had 6 days of no contact with my BPD boyfriend.  Until today... .I texted him to see if he wanted his clothes he left here.  I truly can't look at them anymore.  I've been feeling so empty and so sad for the past week just having the clothes here is killing me.  I finally decided to break things off after 8 months of his lying, hiding and deceiving me. This includes, doing heroin in my bathroom, lying to me about it even though I caught him red handed and found the used needle.  Lying to me to my face about using, then finding multiple baggies a needle cap, a cotton ball and a white stained water cap under his seat in his car.  He then told me he was selling heroin not " using it", after my final straw( yes I gave him that many chances to " change" was finding yet another needle cap, he tells me he stabs himself with needles, cuts himself, and thinks a demon has entered his soul when he was using drugs. Btw, he still never admitted to using drugs, even though he blew out a vein in his forarm, which I've had to look at while he sleeps along with searching his arms for needle marks.  This man has turned my world upside down. I left my husband of 20 years for him, moved my three children out of my marital home and tore my family apart.  He most recently asked me multiple  times to live together, like none of the above incidents happened at all. I am completely baffled. After learning he was harming himself I found info about BPD and actually gave him an online quiz, he answered 10 out of 10 with yes ! He needs help, why am I the one who feels terrible? I did nothing but love him and show him respect . I got used and walked on and feel pretty low. I used to think I was an excellent judge of character. Now I feel I was his prey. I'm devastated.


Hang in there hun.xo

[JQ]

Mag,

First of all ... .   Welcome to the group, here you'll find people who truly care, you can vent without fear, you can bounce ideas or just have someone listen to you that will never judge you. I'm truly sorry that you're in this situation and you NEED to know it's NOT your fault. This is the BPD world ... .learn all you can. Get therapy / counselor for yourself if you stay or decide to go because it will help as I'm sure you already know this. There are all kinds of references here on this site to the right & at the top. I've & others have read books such as "The Human Magnet Syndrome", "Stop walking on eggshells", "I love you, I hate you, Don't leave me" that you can find at your local library & all good references books to help you with learning everything you can about BPD.

As you have come to learn that there IS nothing normal about BPD & nothing ever will be normal in a relationship with someone who has BPD. As you will learn you can stay if you choose, but it's going to take a lifetime of professional help for both you & him. He will WANT to go get help for himself because like an alcoholic you can't force them to go for help. Remember the 3 C's when dealing with someone with BPD. YOU didn't CAUSE it!  YOU can't CONTROL it! YOU can't CURE it!  It sounds like you've come to learn that he's a uBPD and something happen early in his life long before you showed up in the picture to cause his behavioral illness. Studies & cases have shown that he learned to survive a traumatic events or events early in his child development. It might be the reason why he uses heroin ... .it's a means to cope with it. Substance abuse and or alcohol abuse is certainly a one of a few signs that your loved one is not well.  Someone with BPD has the behavior of a 3 yr old toddler. You have two kids, if you look back at when they were 3 & their behavior, their reasoning, their logic you will probably see a lot of similarities with your BPDbf behavior & logic.  There are plenty of examples here in the forums that at times they forget what they say or do to you or others. They just seem to go into a different world not unlike a 3 year old and when they come back to reality they don't even remember what they said or did. My exBPDgf is a perfect example of that. Know that it's NOT you ... .YOU are not the CRAZY one here Mag. We've all been there ... .we've experienced it ... .we have the autograph signed T-shirt from the crazy train.

I know you gave up everything for him, left your husband of 20 years with 2 kids ... .it happens to ALL of us. I left my first wife for my first exBPDgf ... .which bothered me for years. Only after I received therapy for something else did I realize that I wasn't & hadn't been getting what I wanted from the relationship with my first wife. If you're getting everything you want in a relationship, there isn't a need to go looking somewhere else for what you're missing. Looking back, it would of happened sooner or later and my first wife & I are still friends to this day.  There are 7,958, 593,229 people in the world ... .there are other fish in the sea ... .there will be others ... .if you decide to move on. But I need you to do something for yourself & your children.

I had a very dear friend of mine, she had been dating one guy for nearly 4 years. He abuse her mentally, physically, emotionally and she still stayed with him because she loved him. He like your BPDbf was a heroin user, gave the same excuses, she continued to find needles & everything else ... .she finally left him when my buddy convinced her that she was better off without him. They got married & nearly 9 years later they had their first & only child. She was in the hospital for nearly 2 weeks after she gave birth because she couldn't get back up to the standards to be released, coughing, wheezing, tired, no energy, etc. They tested for everything ... .with no results. Until they tested her for HIV ... .not only did she have HIV but she had full blown AIDS. She made one phone call from her hospital bed to her exBF that she hadn't seen in 10 years ... .she asked & he told her that he had AIDS, she never spoke to him again. Through a freak thing in nature their newborn was negative & her husband was negative. Both of them had to get blood test every six months & for the next 5 years. I happy to say they're both alive & well & no signs of HIV. Their daughter went on to graduate college & living & exploring life today. I was over there as much as I could be, helping her, showing her that I was her friend no matter what and went to AIDS fund raisers with them, I hugged her, kissed her on the cheek & held her hand. This was in the early 90's.  I carried her casket when she couldn't fight any longer about 3 years later. SO I know it sounds scary, AND I know it had to cross your mind more than once ... .and knowing is better then not knowing ... .please get yourself to a doctor and get yourself checked out not only for yourself but for your children too.

Back to your situation with your BPDbf ... .if you choose to leave your BPDbf, as others have suggested you need to go full NC, block his calls & text. Anything at your place of his can be put in a box & a friend or family member can pick it up or you can ship it to them.  I know that your world is being turned upside down right now ... .and as you said you did nothing but love him, care for him. But like most of us it's quite possible that you might be a codependent ... .the first book "the Human Magnet Syndrome" explains why we as codependents are the perfect match with someone who is BPD because we are on the complete opposite ends of the relationship spectrum that like magnets have a strange way of being attracted to the opposite of ourselves. The good news is, we're not hurting anyone with our behavior & can learn to say no & make better choices in our relationships.

It's Friday ... .the weekend is here. Take a deep breath & relax. Go be with a girlfriend, grab a glass of wine & do what a lot of us do. Reflect, look inward, self reflection and ask yourself some questions. Why do you love this guy? Does he treat you with respect? Is he a fun guy to go out to movies with? Do you friends & family like him because he's a nice guy? Do you enjoy simple pleasures of holding hands on a walk?  Would he be a good step father to your kids, mentor, respectful, loving, caring to them as if they were his own? Would you two have a good weekend bar b q with friends? Would he show your kids what a loving, caring, mutually respectful relationship is for your kids to observe? Because what your children see you do or happen to you is teaching them what a relationship is and that will last a lifetime ... .trust me my mother is BPD & I NEVER had a good example of what a good, mutually respectful relationship that is full of love, friendship is suppose to be like. I've had to read so many books by Ph.d's & attend more therapy sessions then I care to admit to learn what a good relationship is suppose to be like.  

YOU did nothing to deserve this ... .YOU said nothing to deserve this. Someone who is BPD is severely emotionally behaviorally damaged beyond yours, mine ability to help them. My current exBPDgf has been going to therapy off and on for decades. She knows that she needs to continue with therapy for what will probably be for the rest of her life so that she can improve her life & that of her two kids.  She has had more then one therapist over the last couple of decades because evidence shows that BPD is sometimes to much for even a trained professional to deal with after a period of time ... .I didn't know what made me think I could do it without any training. Perhaps it was my over confidence in myself, "if I love her it will be enough" ... .nothing could be further from the truth. I come to realize it ... .and I go back and forth everyday ... .thats why I'm in this room the most ... ."Undecided" Staying or Leaving".  I'm just north of 50 & I'm at a point in my life that I want to enjoy a life with someone who is positive, enjoys exploring life to the fullest, someone who isn't a negative drain on my emotions. I thought I had found that with her ... .until I step back into the world of BPD without really knowing it. Through my own therapy for separate issues I learned that I was codependent & learned that my mother was a BPD, my sister is, and why I was attracted to someone who is behaviorally broke. I learned to become a peacemaker, the savior of someone who needed to be saved ... .who more then someone with BPD needs to be saved only to learn that I can't. BUT I also learned that I can't CURE it!  I learned that you can't save every puppy in the pound ... .that either I accept a relationship with a BPD & the day to day drama that will be with me for the rest of my life or do I take the blue pill wake up in my bed blissfully ignorant & find someone to be in my life that doesn't come with all the baggage ... .like you I know it's a hard choice ... .

 You're probably not eating well ... .so find a gf to be with tonight & get something decent to eat. You're under so much stress your body is needs to release the stress, tension ... .go for a walk ... .ride a bike ... .take yourself to a movie for strictly entertainment ... .lose yourself in the movie. Enjoy the sun on your face, the sounds of nature, winter will soon be here and those will be gone for the next few months. The weather is starting to change ... .the next season 'fall" will soon be here with colors of the leaves changing, the nip in the air and the first virgin snow. Enjoy the laughter of your kids at the local park chasing them, swinging, etc. Enjoy a ice-cream cone with them ... .lay on the grass looking up at the clouds & see how many things you can see in the clouds with them. Take a deep breath, relax, recenter yourself ... .take stock of what is really important in life.

AS I said we don't judge here, we listen to each other, offer guidance or suggestions to read, places to go, we try to help each other protecting each other from situations we've might have been in.WE also give as many   cyber hugs as you want    

J