Struggling

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I guess it's over... .I don't really know. I need help. I'm struggling with an ex-relationship/relationship with a BPD partner. The whole story is this... .We have known each other for 30+ years (we are now in our early 50's). He was my first "crush" in middle school and he "crushed" on me too. We remained friends throughout high school but we never dated. After high school I would run into him occasionally and I would always think to myself he was "the one that got away." Fast-forward to about 12 years ago.

I'm attending college and working in a store and he comes in... .tall, tan and handsome and he starts to flirt with me. I flirt back. He was married, I was divorced, and if we had not had our "history" I would NOT have flirted back. Flirting eventually led to an affair that lasted for 4 years. He divorced (but not for me, I didn't want that). He then started to date other women but kept me "on a string." Now 3 years ago, he had knee surgery and had no one to care for him. He had treated me horribly many times but he asked me to help him so I did. Forgive but not forget, right? We again grew very close. Over the years, I completed college, got my Masters, and became a MH Counselor. You need to understand that I'm NOT his counselor (never was and never tried to be) and I know I can't "fix" him, and I don't have a Savior complex... .

He has alcohol issues and substance abuse issues. He went to rehab last year in April. He did very well and had a new lease on life... .after about 6 months I moved in with him and everything was great. He was monogamous, no drinking, no drugs. After 8 months he asked me to marry him. We got married last December and we were happy for 4 months. Just like that, it was over. He filed for divorce, started to drink again, do drugs again and I was OUT because I don't live that lifestyle.

After 6 weeks, it was friends again... .then friends with benefits... .now NC. I miss him so much. I think "Am I co-dependent? a caretaker? stupid? crazy?" I have beaten myself up for "falling for his charisma and lies." I know that I need to separate myself from him, he is TOXIC to me... .I know ALL of this but I'm struggling. I read the article about "breaking up" and it describes EVERYTHING that I'm feeling. 

[Kendel]

I guess it's over... .I don't really know. I need help. I'm struggling with an ex-relationship/relationship with a BPD partner. The whole story is this... .We have known each other for 30+ years (we are now in our early 50's). He was my first "crush" in middle school and he "crushed" on me too. We remained friends throughout high school but we never dated. After high school I would run into him occasionally and I would always think to myself he was "the one that got away." Fast-forward to about 12 years ago.

I'm attending college and working in a store and he comes in... .tall, tan and handsome and he starts to flirt with me. I flirt back. He was married, I was divorced, and if we had not had our "history" I would NOT have flirted back. Flirting eventually led to an affair that lasted for 4 years. He divorced (but not for me, I didn't want that). He then started to date other women but kept me "on a string." Now 3 years ago, he had knee surgery and had no one to care for him. He had treated me horribly many times but he asked me to help him so I did. Forgive but not forget, right? We again grew very close. Over the years, I completed college, got my Masters, and became a MH Counselor. You need to understand that I'm NOT his counselor (never was and never tried to be) and I know I can't "fix" him, and I don't have a Savior complex... .

He has alcohol issues and substance abuse issues. He went to rehab last year in April. He did very well and had a new lease on life... .after about 6 months I moved in with him and everything was great. He was monogamous, no drinking, no drugs. After 8 months he asked me to marry him. We got married last December and we were happy for 4 months. Just like that, it was over. He filed for divorce, started to drink again, do drugs again and I was OUT because I don't live that lifestyle.

After 6 weeks, it was friends again... .then friends with benefits... .now NC. I miss him so much. I think "Am I co-dependent? a caretaker? stupid? crazy?" I have beaten myself up for "falling for his charisma and lies." I know that I need to separate myself from him, he is TOXIC to me... .I know ALL of this but I'm struggling. I read the article about "breaking up" and it describes EVERYTHING that I'm feeling. 

[HappyNihilist]

Kendel, I'm so sorry you're going through this. 

You have a long history with him. That makes it difficult to detach. It takes a while. Just give yourself time and go easy on yourself.

You miss him - that's completely understandable and normal. Even when we know someone is toxic for us, it doesn't take away our feelings of hurt, confusion, and love.

Don't beat yourself up for "falling for his charisma and lies." Pretty much all of us here did the same with our respective exes. Instead of feeling bad about yourself for this, try to focus on the good parts of you - your compassion, caring, intelligence, etc. You spend your life counseling and helping others. Turn that towards yourself - love and take care of yourself.

Let yourself feel your feelings - the grief, loss, sadness, anger, anything that comes up. You will have plenty of time to figure yourself out and discover what made you enter and stay in the relationship. Give yourself time.

It hurts, and it sucks. But it helps to talk. Especially with people who can relate to what you've been through.

Take care of yourself. It gets better. 

[Kendel]

Thank You Happy,

It does help to know that someone understands. I'm just learning to do "self-care" and you are right.

"Time heals all wounds" if I can just keep staying away and I can do that... .if he doesn't contact me. He is seeing someone, someone that shares is destructive lifestyle, but I know that relationship is a ticking time-bomb and eventually, he will contact me. I'm his "constant" (his words)... .his touchstone to sanity, and when that bomb explodes he will seek me to put the pieces back together for him. I need more strength by then so I won't be sucked back in.