Massive Set back - here we go again. Determined

[seang]

So if you read my post, yesterday was a bad day.  Saw something i didnt like, reacted to it, then broke NC!  Absolute nightmare.  This then led me to start opening up on things again, and i hate to admit it, text her.  I tried to explain everything, even mentioned she may have issues, (partly i think to push buttons and create a n going back situation), told her again (idiot) that I loved her and if she completely wants me out of her life, to give me some closure (like they do!).

Obviously she didnt.  What she did say rather coldly, is that why would i write all that to her when "coming from the man that didnt want nothing to do with me" (meaning i didnt accept her friendship or offer to stay in touch), and that SHE DIDNT GET IT!  Wtf is wrong with these people.  :)o they really think friendship is possible with the real fear of being dragged through the meatgrinder when they find someone new?  I mean, illness or not, thats just common sense no?  Have they detached that quickly from us that it wouldnt bother them? 

So these texts went on for a bit, me slowly losing my self respect again, and her just being cold as ice and telling me stuff like, i need to group, Im selfish, its not all about me, to get on with my life, nothing changed (that was the best one), condescending and that why, "if i think shes a cold hearted b___, why i wont leave her alone"!

So thats it.  Massive hit, my bad, big step back, and now have to start all over again.  So angry at myself.  

Anyway, Ive blocked her, deleted our connecting FB pics, lost some mutual friends and removed myself from sites and groups we were in together.  hopefully, now I can really start to let go and move on.  Im still totally headfuked with it all, and I dont think i will EVER truly understand the different person she seems to be now.  

I really hope, like others on here have said, that she doesnt attempt a recycle with me at any point.  Tbh, the way she is now, i kinda dont think thats ever possible anyway.  Theres no way a person can approach a past love after the way she's handled this and treated me.  I thought it was a shame grained disorder?  So she couldnt possibly, right?  If she does, I really hope im in a better place, stronger and confident enough to firmly treat her in the exact same way she has done me.  With indifference, spite, coldness, heartlessness and disregard.  And tell her to FUK THE HELL OFF!  

Still love the b___ tho!  Or is it obsession, infactuation.  Who gives a toss, I feel betrayed, tossed aside, no remorse or closure, and like Im some pathetic man to her.  She pulled the trigger and got me out of this rollercoaster.  I now need to find the strength to truly let this go, move on and realise her for what she is.

DO NOT BREAK NC FOR ANY REASON!  

Why, when people that have gained some distance from these toxic creatures, and put some quality healing time in between get recycled is beyond me.  Whos the crazy ones there?  Even if I still have feelings for this woman if that happens, i dont think I'd ever accept going back into a r/s with them if things were the same.  

I wish I had NEVER met her!  I wish Id have walked 2 months in when my gut said so.  I wish Id have pulled the trigger first and left her an emotional wreck.  I wish id never done all i had for her, loaned her money, bought her gifts, lost myself to in the process.

I hate this.  I hate the utter turmoil they leave behind them like a fukin car wreck.

Most of all, I hate myself for being so damn weak, whilst in the r/s and even now whilst out!  No wonder shes even colder, im such a soppy assed douche.  

[purpleavocado]

Sorry to hear that seang. Just remember that her behavior would be the same no matter what you said or did, or if it was someone else who said or did it. My exBPD has had meltdowns like that with me in the past, only to get in contact weeks later like nothing happened. That's where the shame comes in- they will still always want to control whether you're in contact. In their mind, you have no agency in this matter.

Just try to remind yourself every so often that there is no reasoning with some people. And some people just don't bring out good things and feelings in us; there are plenty of people out there who WILL make our lives better and fuller, not worse and more stressful. You did the right thing by blocking her and it will get easier.

[sas1729]

Sorry to hear it's rough like this, mate. I think you're asking the right questions though. How can it be love? It does sound more like an obsession. I'm sorry to be so tough on you right now, but I do think that figuring out what exactly it is that keeps you involved will help. Personally, I do not think it is love. I say that only based on my own experience. I did not love my BPDex in the end. In the last months it was an obsession. Actually, the best way to put it is that my relationship with her was a bad habit. It was a bad lifestyle that needed to be changed. But just like changing any bad habit it can be hard, especially if it's something that's ingrained.

There is no logic. There is no reasoning. There just is. And it's not reasonable. Again I'm going to sound tough, but I think you had best write off the past as lost. You did, however, gain something from it. You gained the experience and the self-respect to never let this happen again.

Next time you become involved with someone you will be more aware and protect your interests. In a healthy relationship that will only serve to strengthen it, because mutual respect and kindness are powerful foundations. You already have the kindness and now you've learned the self-respect. You've learned it and earned it.

The past is over.

[Darsha500]

Hey Seang,

Just wanted to chime in and let you know you'll be in my thoughts today. I know how excruciating this whole process is, so I really feel for you. Please be kind to yourself. One of the exercises I've been doing is "Loving kindness." Just sitting and aiming love and kindness at myself, forgiving myself... .All that stuff.

Keep your chin up my friend, You will get through this. You remain Intact.

[seang]

Sorry to hear it's rough like this, mate. I think you're asking the right questions though. How can it be love? It does sound more like an obsession. I'm sorry to be so tough on you right now, but I do think that figuring out what exactly it is that keeps you involved will help. Personally, I do not think it is love. I say that only based on my own experience. I did not love my BPDex in the end. In the last months it was an obsession. 

Agree.  How do you self discover reasoning for that?  Staying I mean.  I have no idea really.  Im not a caregiver as such, altho i have some traits.  I dont suffer fools, and ive been thru the ringer before.  How do you go even deeper into yourself and find out that?

[seang]

Hey Seang,

Just wanted to chime in and let you know you'll be in my thoughts today. I know how excruciating this whole process is, so I really feel for you. Please be kind to yourself. One of the exercises I've been doing is "Loving kindness." Just sitting and aiming love and kindness at myself, forgiving myself... .All that stuff.

Keep your chin up my friend, You will get through this. You remain Intact.

Thank you.

[honeysuckle]

Sorry you are having a bad day! I found when I was trying to explain my feelings that the best way is to compare it to an addiction. There are many reasons we recycle or stay. Most common is the drive in us to go back to the idealized honey moon stage when everything was perfect and fresh. Think of it like the first hit of drugs that is a wonderful feeling. That is why people take a second hit... .but like drugs there is a crash when you come down. So I would deal with it like you had a bad day and tomorrow you pick yourself up and try again. You are not stupid or weak. You are human. They get ingrained in our heads and or hearts and it is hard to let it go. Most of the time they have filled some sort of hole we have, might not even know you had one, and when they leave or become devaluing it is opened back up it is horrible. What you experienced is the reason people say to go no contact. But there is no wrong way. You learned from that and know better now. Most likely your ex knows what to say and how to act the best way to hurt you. Why would she want to hurt you? Maybe she feels hurt, attacked, had a bad breakfast who knows... .Their perception is different than ours. Always has been. Most likely you are split black and there is nothing you can do to change that. It is her choice when and if that changes. Breathe and keep moving.

good luck   

[SGraham]

Hey im sorry to hear that your ex hurt you so. You said "i still love the b___ though". I totally feel that, i however; have tried to turn it into "why do i still love that b___?". I know personally i don't like the idea of hating my ex, even if it would make it easier. Perhaps a better way to look at it is - hate how the disorder hurt you, but love the idea of her character. I don't know if im just rambling here but that helped me. Id also second what darsha said, meditation has helped me a lot. You've always thoughtfully listened to my pathetic ramblings in the past so, from one sean g to another, i got your back.

Best wishes

[theoneone]

I can feel your frustration from here and I know it sucks bad. These people have a way of twisting up our heart and mind and they often do it in a way that's so cold that it seems like they have so much power over us. That always added to my hurt. Why am I the one who seems to be suffering so much more than HER, when she was the a**hole?

I realized that before I met my ex I had a huge LONELY gap in my heart, and she filled it perfectly for a while. When she is gone that is when I became needy, desperate, and gave her even more power and would contact her. It would once again fill the hole until it fell apart again and I felt even worse. Or they can just refuse to engage us and we feel rejected. And I feel like they know this. They know that we "need" them and they'll use that in whatever way suits them best. So going NC is how we finally take our power back. NC is so we can finally repair ourselves to completeness so that nobody holds that power over us, especially not toxic individuals. You seem like you've learned a lot man, and that is going to serve you well.