Replacements/Recycles

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone,

I'm just trying to gain some info from all of your personal experiences to find a deeper understanding of my own situation and to ground my expectations in reality.

Basically I'm just looking to see which of the following applies to you:

A)

1. I was replaced before the relationship ended.

2. I was replaced immediately after the relationship ended (1-2 days).

3. I was replaced 1-2 weeks after the relationship ended.

4. I was replaced 1-2 months after the relationship ended.

B)

1. I was not surprised by who my replacement was (saw it coming).

2. I was shocked by who my replacement was.

3. I don't know who my replacement is/if I've been replaced.

C)

How many times have you been recycled by your partner? Do you expect/want to recycle again?

I can start by saying I don't know if I've been replaced. I only assume from everything I know about BPD that I have been. A significant part of me would like to know if I have been and by whom, but I have no idea how I can find out. Any suggestions? I think knowing this would upset me but also help me to feel anger and resentment, propelling me forward and forcing me to see how used and meaningless I truly was.

The last day I spent with her, we had already been broken up for a week. During that week we spoke as if we were best friends through text. Deep conversations. I was there as her date for a mutual friend's wedding. At the wedding she left the table on a few occasions crying and though I tried to get answers, she didn't say much. That night we slept in the same bed and she told me she wanted to die, she was ready to go, life was just too painful. I hugged her, told her I was there for her. In the morning she looked at me very sweetly, she told me I was the only person who truly understood her, the only person she had in life. She laughed and made comments like "where will I ever find someone as amazing as you. We share so much together". I felt great about this, maybe we'd be getting back together soon.

But that afternoon/evening, everything flipped. If you've followed my story you already know the details. But I was basically turned into the invisible doormat and treated like I didn't even exist. Everything she did was with the intent and purpose of hurting me. I don't understand what happened.

My mind tells me to fill in the blanks by saying we broke up for a few days, she immediately started talking to some guys, then started second guessing the breakup because her attempts weren't going well. Then maybe one of them opened up to her in a text or email during that afternoon in a way that resonated with her and I was discarded like trash.

Thoughts? I know none of this is really healthy to be ruminating but I thank you for sharing your stories and insights.

LostGhost

[LostGhost]

Hello everyone,

I'm just trying to gain some info from all of your personal experiences to find a deeper understanding of my own situation and to ground my expectations in reality.

Basically I'm just looking to see which of the following applies to you:

A)

1. I was replaced before the relationship ended.

2. I was replaced immediately after the relationship ended (1-2 days).

3. I was replaced 1-2 weeks after the relationship ended.

4. I was replaced 1-2 months after the relationship ended.

B)

1. I was not surprised by who my replacement was (saw it coming).

2. I was shocked by who my replacement was.

3. I don't know who my replacement is/if I've been replaced.

C)

How many times have you been recycled by your partner? Do you expect/want to recycle again?

I can start by saying I don't know if I've been replaced. I only assume from everything I know about BPD that I have been. A significant part of me would like to know if I have been and by whom, but I have no idea how I can find out. Any suggestions? I think knowing this would upset me but also help me to feel anger and resentment, propelling me forward and forcing me to see how used and meaningless I truly was.

The last day I spent with her, we had already been broken up for a week. During that week we spoke as if we were best friends through text. Deep conversations. I was there as her date for a mutual friend's wedding. At the wedding she left the table on a few occasions crying and though I tried to get answers, she didn't say much. That night we slept in the same bed and she told me she wanted to die, she was ready to go, life was just too painful. I hugged her, told her I was there for her. In the morning she looked at me very sweetly, she told me I was the only person who truly understood her, the only person she had in life. She laughed and made comments like "where will I ever find someone as amazing as you. We share so much together". I felt great about this, maybe we'd be getting back together soon.

But that afternoon/evening, everything flipped. If you've followed my story you already know the details. But I was basically turned into the invisible doormat and treated like I didn't even exist. Everything she did was with the intent and purpose of hurting me. I don't understand what happened.

My mind tells me to fill in the blanks by saying we broke up for a few days, she immediately started talking to some guys, then started second guessing the breakup because her attempts weren't going well. Then maybe one of them opened up to her in a text or email during that afternoon in a way that resonated with her and I was discarded like trash.

Thoughts? I know none of this is really healthy to be ruminating but I thank you for sharing your stories and insights.

LostGhost

[Tangy]

Hello everyone,

I'm just trying to gain some info from all of your personal experiences to find a deeper understanding of my own situation and to ground my expectations in reality.

Basically I'm just looking to see which of the following applies to you:

A)

1. I was replaced before the relationship ended.

2. I was replaced immediately after the relationship ended (1-2 days).

3. I was replaced 1-2 weeks after the relationship ended.

4. I was replaced 1-2 months after the relationship ended.

1. I was replaced before the relationship ended

B)

1. I was not surprised by who my replacement was (saw it coming).

2. I was shocked by who my replacement was.

3. I don't know who my replacement is/if I've been replaced.

1. I was not surprised by my replacement and I saw it coming.

C)

How many times have you been recycled by your partner? Do you expect/want to recycle again?

I'm going to answer this to the best of my ability. He painted our relationship black 6 times, and finally left the 6th time (usually he just stayed)... .and then we got back together and the 7th time he cheated and now is with her. Each time we went through the cycle it was better and better but the fallout was always WAY WORSE. Its like he'd let himself get closer to me... .so he'd hurt me worse at the end. I realllly don't think I want to do it again... .and am unsure that he's going to try. Day 36 of NC.

I can start by saying I don't know if I've been replaced. I only assume from everything I know about BPD that I have been. A significant part of me would like to know if I have been and by whom, but I have no idea how I can find out. Any suggestions? I think knowing this would upset me but also help me to feel anger and resentment, propelling me forward and forcing me to see how used and meaningless I truly was.

Full disclosure when I say "he is with her" I don't truly know that 100%. I am BFFs with his sister but we have a "don't talk about it" policy. She lets me grieve my pain with her but I told her I absolutely don't want details about his life. I also have tons of friends that are still friends with him on FB. So... I could ask them or try to snoop at his FB or her FB... .but I REFUSE to do that to myself. I willlll NOT put myself through that kind of pain. So, I just assume they are together. I don't know how you handle things, so I can't say it wont help you be angry... .but a question... .is the way they treated you during the relationship enough to make you angry? Is it worth the risk of really hurting yourself just to find out?

The last day I spent with her, we had already been broken up for a week. During that week we spoke as if we were best friends through text. Deep conversations. I was there as her date for a mutual friend's wedding. At the wedding she left the table on a few occasions crying and though I tried to get answers, she didn't say much. That night we slept in the same bed and she told me she wanted to die, she was ready to go, life was just too painful. I hugged her, told her I was there for her. In the morning she looked at me very sweetly, she told me I was the only person who truly understood her, the only person she had in life. She laughed and made comments like "where will I ever find someone as amazing as you. We share so much together". I felt great about this, maybe we'd be getting back together soon.

But that afternoon/evening, everything flipped. If you've followed my story you already know the details. But I was basically turned into the invisible doormat and treated like I didn't even exist. Everything she did was with the intent and purpose of hurting me. I don't understand what happened.

Ahhh yes, I understand this very well. One day he was telling me I was his perfect companion and no one would make a better one for him than me and that I just get him like no one else... .and then he cheated and decided to be with her.

My mind tells me to fill in the blanks by saying we broke up for a few days, she immediately started talking to some guys, then started second guessing the breakup because her attempts weren't going well. Then maybe one of them opened up to her in a text or email during that afternoon in a way that resonated with her and I was discarded like trash.

Thoughts? I know none of this is really healthy to be ruminating but I thank you for sharing your stories and insights.

LostGhost

I think it is safe to make up any story that will make your brain feel better... .because any thing you might get out of her, you'll never know if its true anyway. For me, the majority of my overanalyzing (but not all) stopped when I realized he fit the BPD profile perfectly. Because I realize I'm never going to understand whyyyy he does what he does... .other than emotional dysregulation and shame. There is nothing about me that is the cause... .You could be and probably are all those amazing things she said about you, but because of her own shame and pain she can't stick with you because she doesn't feel worthy of it... .so instead she's just going to bury herself in a replacement... .I would say above all just protect yourself at all costs from self-harm. Self-harm being checking up on her. If no contact is the best course for healing... .I would recommend you consider trying to find out about her as breaking no contact. Hope this finds you well *hugs*

I would like to recommend this video by Spartanlifecoach maybe you've heard of him? He does a lot of videos for those who have experience abuse by those with Cluster B (NPD/BPD/ASPD) traits. This one is called how to cure post breakup over analysis syndrome

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ABVRvJ4Sjg

[once removed]

hey lostghost  

thought provoking thread!

"I only assume from everything I know about BPD that I have been."

first, a reminder that everyone with BPD is not the same, and not all of their relationships end in the same way. that i know of, my ex has had four serious relationships. the first was not replaced, the second likely was, by me, the third, who was replaced, and the fourth has not been replaced. i was also under the impression that my relationship was on an upswing, a commonality we have among many members. this is the push pull behavior that revolves around the fears of abandonment and engulfment, which can swing wildly, and may also have to do with object permanence issues.

"Thoughts? I know none of this is really healthy to be ruminating but I thank you for sharing your stories and insights."

some of its healthy. your psyche wants to make sense and settle on a version of what has transpired. its part of the process. i did a lot of it by journal and i consider it time spent processing, adding things up. sure ruminating reaches unhealthy levels, but your expressions here seem constructive.

A) it was a combination of 1, 2, and 3. my replacement was lined up before the relationship ended. i assume that it escalated. their relationship was "official" 1-2 weeks after ours officially ended.

B) another combination, of 1 and 2. i realized immediately that her introduction to him was the fact that while we were at a party, i spoke to him. she had mentioned him and hanging out with him and other particulars a while after that. it still shocked me.

C) i dont consider us to have ever recycled, but it depends on your definition. each of us declared things "over" at least a hundred times. it never lasted 24 hours or even over night. no, i am pretty confident that neither of us will ever contact the other again.

[LostGhost]

Thanks Tangy for taking the time to reply and sharing your story. I understand what you are going through and I am sorry this happened to you. You deserve so much better but you already know this to be true! It is very difficult to unravel ourselves after these relationships.

My ex and I have many mutual friends but I've been avoiding her Facebook for now. I haven't signed on since we broke up officially. It's been only 4 days of no contact now. But it's painful when I have no answers and am curious what she's doing, who she's doing it with and so on. I am a healthy guy, stay active, have my friends and my family but nothing fills the gap that is now in my heart. When the times were good, nothing could feel better or more amazing. We went to the opera together, exercised together, I cooked and we ate our meals together. We were inseparable and shared so much. It was like a lifetime of memories condensed into two years. I was married before this to my high school sweetheart and we spent 13 years together but it doesn't compare. What a shame for it to go this way.

If only things didn't have to flip all the time. Never wanted to be a trigger or what she sees as her persecutor. Walking on eggshells is the only way to describe our relationship but I was so careful how I navigated. I must have done something to become her trigger in the end. It's unavoidable and inevitable.

I feel like I will always recycle with her no matter what she does. I too am sick. I shouldn't want to be with someone who causes me this much pain. My life has value and meaning but I am willing to give it all away to her? I can't even understand why I am this way. My childhood is good, no trauma or abuse or neglect. I have great friends and family. I have many hobbies and talents. But nothing draws my attention and desire more than her. Maybe it's an overwhelming compulsion to have what I know I can't have. I feel like I am trapped, forever orbiting a black hole.

[LostGhost]

Thanks for sharing once removed!

There definitely seems to be a pattern that they don't exit a relationship unless they have a backup plan. I don't know for sure if I've been replaced but my mind sure does like torturing me with those thoughts. She hasn't said a word in five days but I'm not surprised. Last time it was two months and she only reached out because things weren't going well in her new/old relationship with her ex and she wanted to reconnect with me as "friends".

I don't know why I want to know if there is one or who he is. I think I am looking back at her as this wonderful person and although there was quite a bit to resent, there was tremendous good also. Maybe I am jealous this possible new person is reaping all the good right now without any of the effort or dedication that I put in. That hurts. And if she's just a fling for him and he doesn't really care, it's no big deal when it ends. That thought annoys me too. Only someone who gets as involved as I was is going to feel this level of hurt.

Thanks for your words of wisdom.

[HappyNihilist]

A) 1. I was replaced before the relationship ended.

He'd known her for a couple of years, and probably they'd slept together during our relationship, but they didn't start dating until about a month before our breakup.

B) 1. I was not surprised by who my replacement was (saw it coming).

I don't know the woman personally, but I knew he had someone at the end. She perfectly fits his 'profile' - he loves pretty, dark-haired, creative, smart women.

C) How many times have you been recycled by your partner? Do you expect/want to recycle again?

No recycles. I don't want to recycle, and I don't expect he'll try. He'll probably contact me at some point down the road, but not for a recycle.

Maybe I am jealous this possible new person is reaping all the good right now without any of the effort or dedication that I put in. That hurts. And if she's just a fling for him and he doesn't really care, it's no big deal when it ends. That thought annoys me too. Only someone who gets as involved as I was is going to feel this level of hurt.

I understand. It does hurt to think that the 'new' person is getting all the good stuff (the honeymoon period, the idealization, the wonderful fun parts). However, people (not just pwBPD) will keep repeating their patterns if they don't make an effort to change. With someone who has BPD or BPD traits, this means that they will eventually fall back into the devaluation, etc.

It's also human nature to feel jealous. You loved her and it hurts to think of her with someone else. That's understandable.  

The problem is when we start focusing on all that good, wonderful stuff that we feel like we're missing out on. Because that was all part of a dysfunctional dance and not true intimacy. You can't split anyone up into 'good' and 'bad' parts - your ex was wonderful as well as hurtful. It helps to look at the big picture of the relationship instead of just the good parts.

Why does it bother you to think that the possible replacement wouldn't get hurt like you did?

Try not to fall down the rabbit-hole of tortured thoughts and what-might-be. I know that's easier said than done. But getting caught in that tortured loop isn't good for your mental and emotional health.

[LostGhost]

Thanks for sharing HappyNihilist,

I'm very sorry to hear about what you had to go through. All the stories sound so similar. I try to think of her in terms of the big picture and I guess that's where I get stuck, because I accepted her for who she is, good and bad. She could never reciprocate that, seeing me as only all good or all bad when she felt like it.

I think it bothers me the possible replacement won't be hurt because I just see them as some guy who is having a fling. Having sex with my ex, enjoying all the good times, not investing himself to the level that I did. And when it ends, he will just shrug his shoulders and think of it as a fun ride.  It bothers me because it seems like the only kind of relationship that can work with a BPD, someone that doesn't really care, someone that just checks in and checks out when they please or that the pwBPD can keep at an arms length. I could be wrong.