Taking thinks personally, and trying not to

[Depression = 72% of members]

New to the boards here, but have been reading for awhile.  Background- I dated my exbf BPD for a year.  He swept me off my feet, promised me a lot and never delivered ( he is not diagnosed, but I think he is BPD with strong narcissist tendencies).  We were co-workers.  He had a long distance girlfriend and we started seeing each other while he was with her.  I honestly thought he was geniune and the long distance thing took it's toll.  He didn't break up with her until three months into our relationship.  Slowly stringing her along and slowly torturing her until the breakup, I'm sure :-( 

Over that initial year together, his initial undying devotion and love slowly withered.  Looking back I now see emotional abuse and triangultion with his ex.  He broke up with me after I asked him where this relationship is going?  (He was very distant and a different person than the person I knew a year before.) He said he coudn't give it to me, said things were "broken" and ended it. I still had to work with him for four months before I found another job.  While working with him, I came to find out he had gone back to the ex, but I was also seeing him on dating websites? I was trying to date new people, but was too crushed and emotionally unavailable to pursue anything as I was still grieving and hung up on him.

Six months after the breakup and multiple contact attempts on his part, I agreed to meet up with him.  He said he was only briefy involved with his ex, but was also seeing other people at the time.  Nothing serious.  (Even though I had heard from co-workers his ex was moving to our city and they confirmed they were together.  Who knows?  But I tend to believe the co-workers over him.  They have no reason to lie?  Just the messanger rght? )

He said he wanted to try again, and I amazingly ! gave him another shot.  I was completey charmed, albiet weary and mistrustful the whole time.  Second time around, after four months and him still not including me in his personal life and and being evasive, I confronted him.  He flat out told me, "I don't love you, and I think you have stronger feelings for me than I do you."  This coming from the person who begged me to come back.  He also told me, "I never made you any promises and I don't owe you anything."  Even after that, he expected me to stay with him, because he "might" be in love with me again.  I left and told him never to contact me again.

It hurts a lot still, this was three weeks ago.  There are always events that I get invited to with old co-workers, but I never go, cause he will be there.  I feel like my old friendships from that job suffer because of him.  Although, I do think they have an inkling of why I don't show up, and feel sympathetic. 

I logically know not to blame myself, but I can't help but feeling unlovable?  I just want to be happy again, and have the self esteem to REALLY know this is not my problem.  There is someone out there without these problems who can love me, but first I know I need to thoroughly love myself.  It's hard to do that sometimes... .

[ReneeMurphy523]

New to the boards here, but have been reading for awhile.  Background- I dated my exbf BPD for a year.  He swept me off my feet, promised me a lot and never delivered ( he is not diagnosed, but I think he is BPD with strong narcissist tendencies).  We were co-workers.  He had a long distance girlfriend and we started seeing each other while he was with her.  I honestly thought he was geniune and the long distance thing took it's toll.  He didn't break up with her until three months into our relationship.  Slowly stringing her along and slowly torturing her until the breakup, I'm sure :-( 

Over that initial year together, his initial undying devotion and love slowly withered.  Looking back I now see emotional abuse and triangultion with his ex.  He broke up with me after I asked him where this relationship is going?  (He was very distant and a different person than the person I knew a year before.) He said he coudn't give it to me, said things were "broken" and ended it. I still had to work with him for four months before I found another job.  While working with him, I came to find out he had gone back to the ex, but I was also seeing him on dating websites? I was trying to date new people, but was too crushed and emotionally unavailable to pursue anything as I was still grieving and hung up on him.

Six months after the breakup and multiple contact attempts on his part, I agreed to meet up with him.  He said he was only briefy involved with his ex, but was also seeing other people at the time.  Nothing serious.  (Even though I had heard from co-workers his ex was moving to our city and they confirmed they were together.  Who knows?  But I tend to believe the co-workers over him.  They have no reason to lie?  Just the messanger rght? )

He said he wanted to try again, and I amazingly ! gave him another shot.  I was completey charmed, albiet weary and mistrustful the whole time.  Second time around, after four months and him still not including me in his personal life and and being evasive, I confronted him.  He flat out told me, "I don't love you, and I think you have stronger feelings for me than I do you."  This coming from the person who begged me to come back.  He also told me, "I never made you any promises and I don't owe you anything."  Even after that, he expected me to stay with him, because he "might" be in love with me again.  I left and told him never to contact me again.

It hurts a lot still, this was three weeks ago.  There are always events that I get invited to with old co-workers, but I never go, cause he will be there.  I feel like my old friendships from that job suffer because of him.  Although, I do think they have an inkling of why I don't show up, and feel sympathetic. 

I logically know not to blame myself, but I can't help but feeling unlovable?  I just want to be happy again, and have the self esteem to REALLY know this is not my problem.  There is someone out there without these problems who can love me, but first I know I need to thoroughly love myself.  It's hard to do that sometimes... .

[SGraham]

Welcome to the family RM, im glad you found this site, it has helped me loads in the past and still does. Anyway, im really sorry to hear you hurting. I know how painful hearing "I don't love you anymore" is as my ex basically ended things by telling me she had zero feelings for me. I know its hard not to blame yourself, i know i do at times, but the important thing to remember is that when all is said and done it was their disorder that ended it, not you or anything you did.

Best wishes,

SG

[scgator]

New to the boards here, but have been reading for awhile.  Background- I dated my exbf BPD for a year.  He swept me off my feet, promised me a lot and never delivered ( he is not diagnosed, but I think he is BPD with strong narcissist tendencies).  We were co-workers.  He had a long distance girlfriend and we started seeing each other while he was with her.  I honestly thought he was geniune and the long distance thing took it's toll.  He didn't break up with her until three months into our relationship.  Slowly stringing her along and slowly torturing her until the breakup, I'm sure :-( 

Over that initial year together, his initial undying devotion and love slowly withered.  Looking back I now see emotional abuse and triangultion with his ex.  He broke up with me after I asked him where this relationship is going?  (He was very distant and a different person than the person I knew a year before.) He said he coudn't give it to me, said things were "broken" and ended it. I still had to work with him for four months before I found another job.  While working with him, I came to find out he had gone back to the ex, but I was also seeing him on dating websites? I was trying to date new people, but was too crushed and emotionally unavailable to pursue anything as I was still grieving and hung up on him.

Six months after the breakup and multiple contact attempts on his part, I agreed to meet up with him.  He said he was only briefy involved with his ex, but was also seeing other people at the time.  Nothing serious.  (Even though I had heard from co-workers his ex was moving to our city and they confirmed they were together.  Who knows?  But I tend to believe the co-workers over him.  They have no reason to lie?  Just the messanger rght? )

He said he wanted to try again, and I amazingly ! gave him another shot.  I was completey charmed, albiet weary and mistrustful the whole time.  Second time around, after four months and him still not including me in his personal life and and being evasive, I confronted him.  He flat out told me, "I don't love you, and I think you have stronger feelings for me than I do you."  This coming from the person who begged me to come back.  He also told me, "I never made you any promises and I don't owe you anything."  Even after that, he expected me to stay with him, because he "might" be in love with me again.  I left and told him never to contact me again.

It hurts a lot still, this was three weeks ago.  There are always events that I get invited to with old co-workers, but I never go, cause he will be there.  I feel like my old friendships from that job suffer because of him.  Although, I do think they have an inkling of why I don't show up, and feel sympathetic. 

I logically know not to blame myself, but I can't help but feeling unlovable?  I just want to be happy again, and have the self esteem to REALLY know this is not my problem.  There is someone out there without these problems who can love me, but first I know I need to thoroughly love myself.  It's hard to do that sometimes... .

Welcome Reneee and sorry that you're going through this. If you've been reading then you know you're not alone and this is a great place to vent and get some great feedback from others who're going through or have gone through the same experience.

Unfortunately, when I became a trigger for my upwBPDx I took things personally. I tried to separate the two after discovering BPD but at that point I'd been a trigger for months and the white/black stuff was literally alternating days. My ex had a great knack for knowing what buttons to push and she never resisted going as low as she needed to bring me down. She actually admitted last week that she's never hit so low or so hard. I don't really believe that but at least she sees she did it.

I think that they want us to feel unlovable. Maybe in their mind, if we feel so badly about ourselves then we won't leave? I'm not really sure what my ex was thinking and can only imagine because I can't read her mind and it's not like asking her would lead to the truth anyway. But remember all the things you fell in love with are probably traits that are yours and were mirrored back. Love myself? Yes that's a hard one at times, but if my ex mirrored all my good traits then technically I fell head over heels for myself and not her. I keep telling myself that. All the good things I liked about her were really me and I loved it so why not myself?

It seems time, distance from the emotional rollercoaster, NC or LC, and for me, NOT seeing her even as a friend or to exchange personal belongings has been a huge help. You are a lovable person. In fact, you're probably a very loyal person as well. If you're like me, you did all you possibly could to try to sustain the rs, to show how much we loved that person. The problem was not with you. Sure maybe you played a part in the dynamic, it does take 2 and I know my reactions to my ex didn't help - I tried to reason with her and use logic and we all know how that goes. But ultimately the problem was the disorder. While your ex may have felt all those things in the beginning, and I tell myself my ex did too, they were just not able to sustain those feelings. Not out of anything that we did per se, but the deep rooted defense mechanism that they may not even be aware of kicked in. At that point, nothing matters other than them getting that pain off themselves and onto someone else. Namely us.

You are a strong individual in that you have the self esteem to know it's not your problem. Our BPDex, at least mine, may appear strong but they're too weak or too afraid or too ashamed to turn that mirror inward. Taking stock of ourselves and trying to grow is painful in itself. My ex wasn't able to turn that mirror inward, to her I think it would be way too shameful and painful. Much easier to strike out, push me away and then find someone else that makes her feel lovable.

Hang in there, take the time to find out why you were attracted to someone like this - maybe something from your childhood or previous relationship? Mine was my childhood. Do things for YOU, take care of YOU. Feel the pain. Naming the feelings and acknowledging them helped me as I've blocked off many emotions since I was a kid. I've realized, while I was hurt incredibly by this person, it was so I could face the stuff I've been hiding inside for over 40 years. This happened for ME and for a reason. Do I miss my ex? Yes, absolutely. But I'm seeing I miss the fantasy, not the person as the person turned out to be not very nice. I am nice though and I deserve someone that will treat me the way I treat them, with HONESTY, respect and love and care. Something I only got intermittently from my ex.

Sorry, wasn't trying make this about me. Just hang in there and don't believe that you're to blame based upon what your ex says. Evaluate the relationship when you're ready and only take ownership of you half of the dance. The other half is theirs even if they push it onto us. We're all here for you and are all walking the same path as you, just on different parts.

[ReneeMurphy523]

Thanks for all the encouragment.  I like hearing everybody's stories, as it is quite incredbile how similar the behaviors are with all these BPD's!  All completely different people, but so much alike.  I know what happened was because of the disorder and it's completely beyond my control, but it's hard to always remember that 100 % of the time.  He never admitted to being BPD (I don't even think he knows what that is), but he did admit to me once when he was upset that he was sorry for hurting me (the first time), and he messes up all his relationships.  I think these statements were part manipulation, but he was in that moment also having a moment of clarity.  He knows deep down who he really is and what he does, but as you all mentioned they cannot cope with that.  Even though I can have sympathy for them, because of the disorder and knowing how much pain they carry, I also have a duel feeling of fury.  Fury that they hurt people the way they do.  People who maybe showed them more love than one of their neglectful or abusive parents (I know this is why the push pull happens).  Fury at how they make you feel so special and loved and then pull the rug out from under you with the most brutal force.  Even though I feel this fury and hope karma comes his way, it kind of scares me, cause I don't think his life will end well.  That gives me chills and makes me feel sad for him. 

His bad karma is already with him all the time.  An untreated BPD is miserable day to day.  I may be sad now, but I don't have a hole inside me like he does, and I am not afraid to confront myself and look myself in the mirror and grow and change.

Once again, I have gotten invited to yet another event with ex co-workers that I wanted to go to, but alas he will be there, so I don't really want to go now.  It's interesting he never went to these things while I was with him, but he goes to every single one now.  It's irritating and I know I shouldn't let him prevent me from seeing my friends, but he is very passive aggressive with his bullying , and I am sure will do things that are cruel to get my attention or get a reaction.  He did it after the first time we broke up.  Purposely trying to make me jealous- alluding to other women, and talking about how great his life is.  I don't want to deal with it, even though I know what he is doing is to purposely provoke.  It's pretty transparent.

My goal is to grow from this and grow beyond this.  Become a better person, improve myself, and find happiness again.  I know it will happen, I just wish it could happen sooner.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi ReneeMurphy523,   

I would like to join scgator and SGraham and welcome you. 

I am sorry that you are going through this.     I know how tough it is to heal from behavior that can be so hurtful and painful. At the end of a relationship with a person with BPD (pwBPD) there are so many unanswered questions. A part of the healing process is to retrospectively go back and look at the BPD moments of your relationship. Anger or fury is part of that process. It perfectly normal and understandable to be furious.

I agree with you, I think your ex's remorseful statement about being sorry for hurting you is valid. Underneath all the maladaptive behaviors, there a broken person who tends to have an enormous amount of shame and self loathing.  As you mentioned, pwBPD cannot face or cope with the fact that they are so broken and damaged. Unfortunately, the relationship and you become a trigger for them. The reason is that pwBPD have issues with object constancy. They cannot see their partner as having both good and bad qualities. PwBPD will perceive you as either withholding/frustrating or rewarding/satisfying. This view shifts moment to moment depending on their emotions. It really is a sad way to live.

As we can understand what drives a pwBPD to act the way that they do, it does not negate how hurtful these behaviors can be. It is ironic of what a pwBPD fears most, abandonment/rejection, is what they tend to end up doing. It is the epitome of self-sabotage.

The great thing is that you are a step ahead of the game with your self-awareness.     What things do you have in mind with improving yourself?

[SGraham]

Though it's not my thread, i would like to chime in again be because eaglejuju touched on something i have been feeling lately. You said roughly "it is ironic they fear abandonment and then turn around and abandon those who love them". That fact is what really haunts me, to think that the next person she's with will either break her heart or if they are patient like me she will just push them away. It just sucks either way.

[ReneeMurphy523]

SGraham- it will be their burden to bear.  Sure they will hurt others, but ultimately they pay a much heavier price.  What is life like for someone who can't experience true intimacy?  Or when they do experience it, they freak out!  Sounds pretty lonely to me. 

I guess it is our responsibilty to look out for ourselves and make ourselves happy again.  We all can do it, but it takes time, self reflection, and self discipline.  Like I mentioned in the previous post, I wish all the pain could go away overnight, and I could be the "me" that I was two years ago before him.  I do know, now I hurt, but I will and shall become better cause of this.  I have to believe this.

I was just speaking with my friend and the moment you realize you are over it and don't care anymore is when you are happy someone is out of your life, but you don't hate them anymore and you wish them well.  Man, I can't wait for that moment to come!

Eaglesjuju-I feel I have spent A LOT of personal time ruminating over what happened and it can be cathartic, but also frustrating thinking of the time wasted.  I would like to get back in touch with my hobbies-I like to paint and draw-and maybe pick up some new ones.  First, I maybe need to stop obsessing too much about what happened, and as I mentioned before have the self discipline to pull myself out of this.

I think even little things help like, (being a girly girly over here), dressing nicely, putting on makeup just to feel confident.  Kind of superficial, but I do know it tends to help.  Exercise more, and maybe meet new people, but take things SLOW.  The first time my ex BPD bf broke up with me I told my therapist at the time that I was weary of new men, and she replied that might be a good thing as you may now weed out the bad from the good now.  Having a little bit of a guard up can be a good thing.

My downfall tends to be personalizing at times what happened.  I have always struggled with self esteem and being highly sensitive.  I need to remind myself it is not ME.  I tend to fall into the trap of thinking well maybe if I had tried harder.  Maybe if I weren't so sensitive... .

And there has been some stuff I have found out today that my ex BPD bf might already been involved with another co-worker from my old job.  Nothing confirmed but social media stuff ( I am not friends with him, but her).  Sinking gut instinct type of feeling-which usually turns out to be true.  I only broke up with him a little under a month ago.  Wow, just wow.  I had to report him to HR for harassment and after everything he has moved onto her.  That shows how self destructive these people are!  What is sad is she is a nice girl, a lot younger, and from what I know has a past history of abusive relationships.  Perfect prey for him, he can play the knight in shining armor role, but what is sad is he will become her abuser too, eventually :-( He is exploiting her and using her. ( If this is true)----Their behavior is always beyond belief, incomprehensible, and really downright repugnant.