Mysterious phone call from BIL

[GreenGlit]

This past Friday my BIL, husband to my volatile and emotionally abusive uBPD sister, called me and left a message on my phone. It sounded like he was in the car on the way home from work (i.e. alone and not with my sister). I called back but got no answer, texted him, and have heard nothing since Friday. He seemed fine in the voicemail, just said to call him back to chat.

I'm freaking out because this is the first time in 8 months I've heard from him. My manipulative uBPD sis decided, back in October, not to attend my wedding next month because I asked for her children to be babysat during my ceremony (the only children invited for ANY part of the day... .we have an otherwise child-free wedding). She took it as a direct offense to her and said I was "shunning my family" from the wedding by not involving them in the actual ceremony. She forbade me from speaking to BIL, probably because he's very reasonable and has expressed previously that he planned on being there no question - before the big blow out from my sis. I imagine if he knew all the horrible things she has said to me, he would have stepped in. They are 6-8 years older than me and my F, and so I decided to respect her wishes and not secretly call him. I truly have no idea what he thinks the situation is - I don't even know if he is aware that my sister said her family wasn't attending the wedding. It is very possible she told him a big lie about how I hate her kids or something - she is really capable of anything.

I was trying to gameplan with my F, going through possible reasons as to why my BIL is calling. What if he wants to come to the wedding? My sister was once my maid of honor, but we decided she no longer can be in the wedding. It would be horribly unfair to my current MOH who is a lovely girl and dear dear friend who has been like a sister to me through all of this family turmoil. Plus I need my sister to get the message she can't leave and re-enter my life with no consequences. But... .what if he wants to come with my sister and her kids, as per my requests, to have the kids babysat and then include them in the festivities?

I feel like to this I can't say no - if I do, then my sister will forever have ammunition to tell her kids that "auntie GreenGlit didn't want you at her wedding." I desperately want a relationship with the little ones - they are 4 and 2, too young to know what's going on. But I fear that she will keep me from them with her lies and manipulation. But even if I did agree to them coming ... .I can't forgive my sister for all the horrible things she said to me. She called me a parasite to the family, that I treat her like a dog and expect her to bow down to me, that I never loved her, that I'm a selfish unloving brat -- truly hurtful things that I can't forgive. Should I ask for an apology? Should I turn the other cheek for the sake of family peace? If BIL calls about something completely unrelated, should I bring up the situation I have with my sis?

I just don't know what to do.

[Kwamina]

Hi Greenlit,

Your sister's behavior is quite unpleasant so I can see why this message from your BIL could have this effect on you. You posted this yesterday, have you since talked to your BIL?

I can't forgive my sister for all the horrible things she said to me. She called me a parasite to the family, that I treat her like a dog and expect her to bow down to me, that I never loved her, that I'm a selfish unloving brat -- truly hurtful things that I can't forgive. Should I ask for an apology? Should I turn the other cheek for the sake of family peace? If BIL calls about something completely unrelated, should I bring up the situation I have with my sis?

This sounds like your sister was engaging in some serious 'projecting' and/or 'splitting' behavior. No matter how you decide to move forward, I think it will be very important for you to have strong boundaries and be willing to defend them when necessary. To help you do so it can be helpful to take a look at some material we have on here about boundaries and asserting yourself:

Boundaries are how we define our values to others.   A boundary is nothing more than the outer perimeters of our independent core values -  it's like a fence  - anything inside the boundary is consistent with our core values and anything outside the boundary is not.  For example, if your independent core value is "always to be respectful of others" a boundary question might be "would abruptly walking out of the room when someone says something offensive be inside or outside of your definition of this value?"  It's not always obvious as we all see things differently.  As you can quickly see, with values, we have a significant responsibility to lead, educate and inform others - we must walk the walk, have effective communication and be consistent.

After wandering in the FOG for a longer time we have lost the natural instincts and ability to ask for something. Fear is controlling our thinking. Our partner is super sensitive and tends to over-react. We get ever more careful, stopping to ask for things needed in our or our relationship's interest. Resentment breeds. Resentment is sensed. Communication grinds to a halt. How do we get back to normal? A big step is start asking again for what is needed and this is where D.E.A.R.M.A.N can help us.

... .

D.E.A.R.M.A.N. is used when you have an objective, you want something specific, such as to get more sleep, to have help with the chores, to affect a change or to say NO to a request. You want the other person to come away feeling good about you and not full of resentment. This preserves the relationship. You also want to protect or even enhance your self respect.

... .

DEARMAN is not simple to do: Steering a conversation through 7(!) defined steps with a person that is prone to dysregulation while you are feeling possibly weak and insecure is virtually impossible.

The key to acquire the skill for DEARMAN lies NOT in following the letters. It lies in learning the underlying skills and practicing them well enough to then being able to steer a conversation through DEARMAN. When looking at DEARMAN it is clear that we are to express needs for change.

... .

DEARMAN is valuable skill that at its very core boils down to:

We have a right to ask for change - the other side may or may not agree, that is fine too.

When owning up to our requests, staying respectful and focused on what we want we improve our chances for affecting change.

You can read more here:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

COMMUNICATION: D.E.A.R.M.A.N. technique

[HappyChappy]

Hi

Your sister does sound out of order, and this must be very difficult for you. Kwamina makes some very good points, and of course this phone call would be upsetting, but don't rule out that it could have been something innocuous.  If this is an attempt to draw you back in, there will be more. If it was serious, then surely there would more ? So if you’ve not hear anything, it probably wasn’t anything ? No new is good news. Have you head more ?

[GaGrl]

If your BIL is calling to test the waters re: your sister having changed her mind about wanting to attend, you might want to have a reply prepared and practiced. She could easily be starting up drama by wanting the same concessions over the children that began the situation in the first place. Or, her feelings of abandonment are kicking in and he is trying to deal with it.

Where did your parents land in this?

[GreenGlit]

Hi everyone, thanks for your replies.

Kwamina - it's very true I am trying to fight the impulse to work from a place of fear. I am fearful. I have stood my ground very consistently through the tornado my sister has created in my family. But I'm still fearful. She's a terrifying person who can be so charming and can turn on a dime and rage and say horrible things. She's simply one of the most unpleasant people I've come to know. Thank you for the read. It is a reminder that what I am requesting is ok and doesn't deserve the kind of backlash I've received... .and I shouldn't back down just because I'm afraid.

HappyChappy - I have not gotten a call back. I called and left a voicemail and a text confirming that this was my number (he wasn't even sure it was my cell, which makes me think he didn't ask my sister for my number so therefore unlikely that she knows he was calling me). Nothing all weekend. However if he was trying to call me in private, it probably wouldn't happen over the weekend when he's at home with my sis. I'm hopeful for sometime this week. He is a very nice guy, really normal and kind, so I'm not afraid he will say or do anything mean. Just concerned he knows nothing of the real situation and is going just on what my sister is saying, which can include anything from I hate her children, to my fiancé is a bully and is cornering me (he has been incredibly supportive of whatever I want to do).

Gagrl - my mother is uBPD also. She supports my sister's outrage and thinks it was completely reasonable to take offense to my request of no children at the ceremony. She was the one who told my sister she should be angry about it. In fact mom blames me for "tearing the family apart" over this request of 25 minutes of my sister's time during our wedding ceremony. My father is very passive. So I am alone in this. By "alone" I mean just in my immediate family. My F's family and all my friends think this reaction has been completely out of control, so at least I have support there.

Will update if he calls back... .thanks once again for the support from this wonderful forum.

[GreenGlit]

My BIL called last night.

Basically he called to say hi and to tell me that his parents won't be able to make it to our wedding. I had asked his sister about it since they had not RSVPd. BIL said "they were planning on coming, but since me and your sister won't be there, they feel awkward."

I started crying and told him that I never intended for any of this to be offensive. I just wanted a child-free ceremony and wanted my nephews present for celebrations the rest of the day. I told him that my sister took it so offensively and prohibited me from reaching out to him, saying that she could speak for the family. I also told him that my sister said some very hurtful things to me, extremely hurtful, and that my very simple request was taken so poorly, and that I think about his family a lot.

His reaction was... .confusing. He sounded sad, almost disappointed. He said "I'm not taking sides here, but you made your decisions, and she made hers. Your sister is very hurt by the request to not have children at the wedding. Unfortunately there was a fallout. Hopefully things can be repaired."

I wanted to say so many things. I wanted to send him the 16 pages of text screenshots of my last conversation with my sister, where she calls me a "selfish unloving brat," "you've NEVER loved me," "you're a parasite to the family," "you treat your family like dog sh*t and expect us to bow down to you." Even early on, I told her that I would allow the kids if everything could just go back to normal, and she responded, "you can't undo this - you and your fiancé are DONE to me." I wanted to tell him that this is NOT about two people taking equally understandable positions - it's about my sister going on a hatful rampage over an extremely small and very reasonable request on my own wedding day. It's about a lifetime of disagreements and poor communication that became amplified on this important day.

My therapist told me that if I had avoided this conflict on my wedding and allowed her children to be present, then at some point, inevitably, this would have happened. Maybe at the birth of my first child, maybe at a holiday - but the expectation that I will yield to my sister's wishes would not stand forever. I don't know. It just hurts.

I told my future MIL that my position is very strange. I'm a relatively logical and functional person who came from a huge pot of crazy. Everyone from that pot thinks I'm the crazy one, and everyone in the regular world thinks they are. And here I am... .now more clearly than ever, I can understand why I always felt out of place amongst my mom and my sister. Because I just never saw the world the way they do. I'm glad for it. But it just hurts.

[Kwamina]

Hi Greenlit

This whole situation is very unpleasant. You are getting married which is a joyous event, but your sister (and mother) are adding a whole lot of drama right now and basically making everything about them. It isn't about them though, it's about you and your future husband, it's your wedding.

My therapist told me that if I had avoided this conflict on my wedding and allowed her children to be present, then at some point, inevitably, this would have happened. Maybe at the birth of my first child, maybe at a holiday - but the expectation that I will yield to my sister's wishes would not stand forever. I don't know. It just hurts.

I think your therapist made a very good point here. This really is about boundaries. Your request for your wedding was also a boundary and people with BPD don't necessarily react well to boundaries. This is unfortunate, but once you know this you can also anticipate what might come next. There are certain communication techniques as described on this site that can help you set boundaries and assert yourself in a way that minimizes the likelihood of (further) conflict while maximizing the likelihood of you getting through to the other person. These techniques are no guarantee though that the other person won't respond poorly.

No matter how the other person responds to your boundaries though, your boundaries are about protecting your own well-being and asserting your wishes. This is your wedding and you and your future husband get to decide what happens there and no one else, not your sister and not your mother.

Having said all this, of course doesn't change the fact that it still hurts when your own family of origin treats you this way. I am sorry you are going through this. The way your sister behaves, sounds like she is projecting a lot of her own inner negativity and chaos onto you. No matter what she says or does though, it doesn't say anything about who you really are but is just a reflection of her own distorted BPD reality that she projects from her mind.

Take care

[Glenna]

Dear GreenGilt,

I am sorry you are having this ugliness spoiling your happiness over your wedding. The dynamic is familiar to me.

I am always amazed that there are people who don't want others to have happiness, or to have anything for that matter. When I was younger I taught myself to play the piano and could play Bach and Mozart. I was told recently that I never played the piano, that the plunking I did wasn't playing since I never had one lesson, etc. I had a boss once who couldn't stand it that I had plans to go away for a long weekend so he made me work on the Sunday or lose the job. People who want to spoil other's happiness have serious inner problems.

At some point I had to learn to put these people completely out of my mind when I was involved in anything that was enjoyable or special or important to me.  I did learn it and can say that I have had many good times with people who were decent and good. I never let ill wishers into my life anymore. I have my BPDd, of course, but I am working on having a happy life without her.

Enjoy your freedom from those who don't wish you well. Enjoy your wedding and the time leading up to it to the max. You have nothing to feel guilty for. You're clean. You were more than fair.

And congratulations!

Glenna

[AloneAtLast]

My BIL called last night.

Basically he called to say hi and to tell me that his parents won't be able to make it to our wedding. I had asked his sister about it since they had not RSVPd. BIL said "they were planning on coming, but since me and your sister won't be there, they feel awkward."

Well, lets make sure no one feels awkward.  Instead, I think you should feel the anxiety over this happy wedding event as long as no one feels awkward.  Cowards.

Let them go.  Be happy they are not coming. They don't wish you well.  When people tell you who they are believe them.