Finally let her go and feel guilty

[OopsIDidItAgain]

This has been the hardest two months I have ever experienced with my ExBPDgf

NC for a month and then chatting here and there for about two weeks. The signals she was sending were confusing. Telling me she was lonely and miserable. Making plans with me only to cancel. my heart was breaking every single time she sent me a text. We had an amazing phone call, we caught up on everything that happened over the past month. She told me several times how happy she was that I sounded the best she's ever heard me. How much "better" I sounded and how she wasn't moving on as well as I was. (She was trying to get me to tell her who I've been hanging out with since I told her I went a few places where she knows I have no connections to - She thought I was dating. I did not confirm or deny)

We laughed, we cried... It was the best conversation she and I had in a very long time.

The day after our amazing phone call. She sent me a text first thing in the morning. I was so happy to hear from her. I responded to her text and I noticed that I was texting her about things going on in my day and her responses were all the same. They were either "Great!" or "" ... .That was it.

I had called her to see what was going on. If we were going to try to communicate (as we discussed), she needed to give me something more than one word and smiley face. On that call, she was SO incredibly cold. It was like talking to a totally different person than the one I spoke to the day before.

I was hurt, I almost begged her to see me so we could talk until I realized I was giving her EXACTLY what she wanted. She even went as far as saying "I'm sorry you can't move on from this. But I'm doing me. You should too." even though the day before she told me "You're doing so much better than me, and seem to be moving on so much better than I am. I'm so miserable and lonely."

It was at that moment the rock totally hit me in the face. I needed to say goodbye. I needed to tell her we couldn't talk anymore and it would be best for both of us. I blocked her in every way shape and form again, and I have felt a little better. Her response "Wow, ok... Well you just contact me when you're ready ok?" I was Heartbroken but... truth is, I feel so much better now that I know where we stand, I can see with clarity how she truly is. I think my perception of her has always been foggy.

She is staying at home all the time, she's only talking to maybe two friends (and she was VERY social), she even stopped talking to her best friend. I have suspected she is both BP and BPD. I'm afraid if this a manic episode shes going to spring back to being "normal" her and leave me confused all over again if she is to contact me.

I can't handle her mixed signals anymore. This was getting too hard. I just feel like I have abandoned her. I did to her what she made me promise I would never do.

[Infern0]

Take it from someone who clung on till the "bitter end", you did the right thing. Unless they are in therapy and actively working on themselves, there is NOTHING you can do, you have to "abandon". If you stay they will treat you with contmpt and disdain for trying to care about them.

[rotiroti]

Hey again PX1983,

Don't be too hard on yourself - many posters have gone back for recycles and sometimes it's necessary to be absolutely sure about all that is BPD.

Secondly, why are you feeling guilty? Wouldn't you agree that you should not be responsible for someone else's happiness. It's like the moment you felt better upon blocking her, only you can save yourself.

I suppose the abandonment would be hurtful to her, but prolonged pain from a recycle would be much more hurtful IMO. The same applies to you, I know it hurts like crazy, but can you imagine a lifetime of this pain?

The bottom line is that, until she gets therapy (And it's YEARS of intense therapy), the dynamic will not change. If you truly want ot make it work then you will have to be the one to adapt to every situation.

[Infern0]

Hey again PX1983,

Don't be too hard on yourself - many posters have gone back for recycles and sometimes it's necessary to be absolutely sure about all that is BPD.

Secondly, why are you feeling guilty? Wouldn't you agree that you should not be responsible for someone else's happiness. It's like the moment you felt better upon blocking her, only you can save yourself.

I suppose the abandonment would be hurtful to her, but prolonged pain from a recycle would be much more hurtful IMO. The same applies to you, I know it hurts like crazy, but can you imagine a lifetime of this pain?

The bottom line is that, until she gets therapy (And it's YEARS of intense therapy), the dynamic will not change. If you truly want ot make it work then you will have to be the one to adapt to every situation.

Quite right, I did three cycles

1) didnt know she was BPD

2)had some knowledge of BPD

3) was a BPD "expert"

All failed in the same way, it was inevitable.

Also to be honest letting go is better for them, as if you stay you are just enabling them, and they will never get better that way

[Chrisbazsky77]

  Hey PX1983,

I just had to respond because your post reminded me of when I went through the immense guilt phase too.

The operative word here is 'phase' and I cannot stress this enough. All of the partners on this board have experienced this at some point or the other and some experience the phase again, just when they start to feel like they are healing again. It's very understandable that you would be feeling this way.

I did something sneaky just now. I went back into some of your earlier posts and read in them the strength to move forward, determination to let go of the pain that you feel, awareness of the situation/her responses. BTW, I go back periodically with own earlier posts too-to jolt me back into the reasons I joined the site-it's also serves me well as a progress assessment tool-I can become aware of how I am feeling and address WHY).

NC for a month

How did you feel during this month of NC?

It was at that moment the rock totally hit me in the face.

From your earlier posts, you have had plenty of rocks thrown at you before.

She is staying at home all the time, she's only talking to maybe two friends (and she was VERY social), she even stopped talking to her best friend. I have suspected she is both BP and BPD. I'm afraid if this a manic episode shes going to spring back to being "normal" her and leave me confused all over again if she is to contact me.

If you decide that being with her isn't healthy-you would have to adapt to the fact that this is not your concern anymore. Sounds harsh? But we have to be cut-throat in this way, if we are to heal completely.You cannot control her emotions for her-she has to learn with treatment-to do that for herself, by herself.

I just feel like I have abandoned her.

The sad reality with pwBPD, is that they still feel great fear of abandonment almost 24/7, regardless of the fact that you have done/will do everything in your power to make her feel otherwise.

Stay strong, you got this!

[OopsIDidItAgain]

Thank you all. I've been working on my codependency (In therapy and doing a lot of reading on the side) I actually have been doing really well recognizing what I have been doing in the past.

This breakup taught me a lot about myself for the better.

I guess it's because the way she used to talk to me about how amazing our relationship was and how she was so scared and sure I would one day abandon her... .I guess I never thought I was going to be in this position. But here I am!  On the same token, I try to look at it as her pushing me away so I was forced to come to this.

I was, up until last week willing to let her recycle me. But not now. I see this situation for what it is and know there truly is nothing I can do for her besides letting go.

It feels so much better to hanging on to hope that something was going to going to happen.

[Dutched]

I was reading your first posts to get a better picture, certainly not to hurt you more!

You wrote:

+The breakup came out of nowhere. An hour before she told me "we weren't working and I needed to leave" she was telling me she could not wait until we were married and we had children... .

+ I go through the emotions... .I feel empowered for leaving, angry for her hurting me, stupid for being so used, sad because she's like this, empty... .

+ Even though all my friends have seen the manic episodes and witnessed her poor treatment of me... .I just want her back. I want the girl she was first year of our relationship

+ I know I have to have no contact, I know she's not good for me.

+ Honestly, she hurt me beyond words can describe

Sorry, you can’t get the girl back you felt in love with.

The bad really outweighs the good now, it will be a pendulum of make good and break up.

A pendulum of promises, instantly forgotten as soon as she can project her emotional rollercoaster.

Back to you. You have and showed the self awareness that this girl (despite your love!) is toxic, is bringing you down, makes you in fact betraying everything you believe in.

Is that from a person that make you believe she loves you?

I see hurt beyond believe, hurt words can’t describe!

And that is what I see in this post again my friend.

Seems you are young. How unbelievable it may sound, learn, learn and learn from it!

Use it to get stronger, use it to find a girl that shows an holds up reciprocate love in order to be in a healthy relationship in which both respect each other.

[Dutched]

Don't be too hard on yourself - many posters have gone back for recycles and sometimes it's necessary to be absolutely sure about all that is BPD.

I see in your replies a lot of (good)explanations of the behaviour, so helping others to understand.

But I really don’t agree with you rotiroti.

The mind researches in order to understand, that is why explanations are wanted and needed.

However, that is at the moment, as you are seemingly still in, one needs it to process feelings as the experience hit all emotional nerves.

To label is not interesting at all, it is the behaviour, it is the way we need to process that behaviour once the (research)mind get’s in touch, better is able to connect, with the emotional part of the brain.

BPD or not, Cluster B or not, it is an explanation, just that.

The emotional part within us, THAT is what counts to process all.

Then, you are able to really work on yourself and are able to get answers for your behaviour, you boundaries in a r/s, your self esteem, etc. 

Don’t keep stuck in labelling… rotiroti, so partially deflecting your own wellbeing and growth.

[rotiroti]

Don't be too hard on yourself - many posters have gone back for recycles and sometimes it's necessary to be absolutely sure about all that is BPD.

I see in your replies a lot of (good)explanations of the behaviour, so helping others to understand.

But I really don’t agree with you rotiroti.

The mind researches in order to understand, that is why explanations are wanted and needed.

However, that is at the moment, as you are seemingly still in, one needs it to process feelings as the experience hit all emotional nerves.

To label is not interesting at all, it is the behaviour, it is the way we need to process that behaviour once the (research)mind get’s in touch, better is able to connect, with the emotional part of the brain.

BPD or not, Cluster B or not, it is an explanation, just that.

The emotional part within us, THAT is what counts to process all.

Then, you are able to really work on yourself and are able to get answers for your behaviour, you boundaries in a r/s, your self esteem, etc. 

Don’t keep stuck in labelling… rotiroti, so partially deflecting your own wellbeing and growth.

Thanks for that Dutched, I definitely do lots of researching and do find myself rationalizing and labeling. The truth boils down to that pwBPD (or whatever they have) are all unique, there are just some broad strokes that appear to fit/explain some behaviors. I find the literature fascinating especially thinking about my decade r/s with my BPDex. I have never gone through a recycle and kept n/c despite attempts from her end. I think BPD or not, I tend to be pretty firm after boundaries are crossed... .


I try to share whatever I went through with the new members here hoping that it could be of some use. Pay it forward right?

[HappyNihilist]

PX1983, I'm sorry you've had to deal with this.   I understand the feelings of guilt over 'abandoning' an ex. But, as others have said, you have nothing to feel guilty about. Her fears are her own to deal with, and you have to make the best choices for your own well-being and emotional health.

Yes, pwBPD fear abandonment - but also push people away with their actions and words. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy on their part.

I'm glad the FOG is beginning to clear for you, and that you're in therapy and learning about yourself.

This breakup taught me a lot about myself for the better.

Take care of You. 

[saintgrey]

Do you guys think my situation was special because ? in 2012 we had our first breakup, we became distant after her abortion and all of the sudden i got the silent treatment for a short while then low contact and back to silent treatment, at first i though about give her space but i exploded and we had a big argument.

We got back together after a month, she didn't really want to at first but something happened (they seem to feed on chaos) and we got back together, thinking about it now the only reason was because she didn't find someone suitable imo at the time but after that we were together until recently (3 more years).

In 2013 we were pregnant but our baby died shorty after being born, 2014 was a good year for us with no major issues but i think loosing our baby she created a deep connection with me and maybe thats why.

Our relationship was for almost 6 years, 2 years of friendship before we became romantically involved, we never lived together but we spend a lot of time in my house, she slept in my house every weekend and also normal week days.

Most of the relationships i see either people got married or the relationship was short not past the 2 year mark.

Ps. sorry for the english 

[sas1729]

Hey PX,

I'm sorry to hear this story. I know it's hard. I wanted to reply to this thread because I got a great sense of hope when I read that you're thinking a lot about yourself and your qualities that led to your involvement in the relationship. I too am in therapy and when I broke up with my BPDex I did a lot of hard work to understand why I let things get to the point where I was so hurt. Why couldn't I stand up for myself? Why couldn't I let go of a toxic situation, especially when I fully admitted that things were not ok?

Furthermore I understand your desire to help your ex. I felt guilty about leaving my ex as well, but it had gotten to the point where I simply could no longer endure. I was a shell of myself and anything I tried to do help the situation inevitably made me feel insecure, anxiety, and fearful. In many ways it was because I hadn't addressed my own issues. If you listen to the safety announcement on an airplane flight they always say to "put your oxygen mask on first before helping others". It's so that you don't pass out and your child cannot put the mask on too, I think. The point is that if you and I don't address our own issues first we will not be able to really help others the fullest extent of our abilities.

That all said, I do think that when it comes to pwBPD it is a serious PD, best left to professionals. We can only encourage them and support them, but we cannot cure them. And often just trying to be supportive can be disastrous, especially if we have our own issues.

So I think you have a good takeaway - work on yourself first. Figure out who you are by learning from this experience. I did that and I still have a ways to go, but just being aware of my issues is helping me. As for the guilt, I know that too. But I think what you did is the best for yourself, and in some way perhaps for her too.