How do we lead a "normal" life when our relationship is ending?

[michel71]

Hello all. I am taking some time out from a very hectic work day to give into some sadness and frustration about my dead marriage. As I was walking back from lunch, eating some McDonald's french fries to give me some element of happiness, I was wondering how all of you are able to cope with trying to lead a "normal" life in spite of the misery and maybe drama. God knows most of us can't afford to hide under the covers and have to function.

I have things on my short list which seem hard to have the energy to do: get back to the gym, clean out the garage, sell things on ebay and craigs list and privately (all because I have no more savings), get together with friends, bring my "A" game to work after nearly a year of TOTAL DEPRESSION ( I am now on meds and very thankful that I did not lose my job ).

I walk around looking at people assuming that they have wonderful lives with loving spouses and happiness. I feel like such an outsider in life.

Your stories please! Thank you friends!

[SGraham]

Hello all. I am taking some time out from a very hectic work day to give into some sadness and frustration about my dead marriage. As I was walking back from lunch, eating some McDonald's french fries to give me some element of happiness, I was wondering how all of you are able to cope with trying to lead a "normal" life in spite of the misery and maybe drama. God knows most of us can't afford to hide under the covers and have to function.

I have things on my short list which seem hard to have the energy to do: get back to the gym, clean out the garage, sell things on ebay and craigs list and privately (all because I have no more savings), get together with friends, bring my "A" game to work after nearly a year of TOTAL DEPRESSION ( I am now on meds and very thankful that I did not lose my job ).

I walk around looking at people assuming that they have wonderful lives with loving spouses and happiness. I feel like such an outsider in life.

Your stories please! Thank you friends!

Im sorry to hear that man, i know it's often hard to even imagine going through life carrying the sheer magnitude of hurt they (pwBPD) have caused us. I personally i had a pretty rough day and cried like 3 times. Im about two months out from my b/u and there are still days that hurt just as bad as when it first happened. You said you feel like an outsider in life, but in saying that you probably fit in more than you realise, i personally feel nihilistic AF but then again MANY people do. I think when it comes down to it, it is easy to forget that everyone has their own unique struggles in life and we as members of this board probably have fairly similar struggles to you. Hang in there man, we are all here for you.

Best wishes,

SG

[Ripped Heart]

Michel, a "normal" life isn't that easy at the beginning but then again its not like we were in "normal" relationships to begin with.

It all starts with little steps and starting to turn that energy inwards while you work on yourself and where you want to get to. Believe me, with determination and offloading the excess baggage put upon your own shoulders, you can get to where you want to be. It takes time and little steps but you are in control of you now so anything is possible.

[michel71]

Thank you SG. Nice to have this board to go to with great people like yourself. Like you said, some days are worse than others. I feel overwhelmed a bit today. Not as centered. Tomorrow after a good night's sleep I will be better. I hope.

[michel71]

Thanks Ripped Heart. Good advice that I need to hear. Baby steps. Painful little baby steps, but baby steps none the less!

[gameover]

Hey michel71,

The gym and cardio is a must.  I know it sucks at first and'll be the last thing you feel like doing, but between the endorphins and dopamine and the increased energy it'll become one of those things that takes care of itself.  No matter how hard or pointless it seems at the time, a couple weeks in the gym will do a number on your depression.

As for the rest, write down small, daily goals and celebrate the small victories.  I think I remember for one of your posts that you'll be living with your ex for another year--that's rough and you'll really have to push to get through the FOG.  Look at it as a fight--the ultimate test of your strength as a person; meet it head on.  Once you come through on the other side you'll be pretty much untouchable.    

[michel71]

Thanks Gameover. The good news is that she will be done with school sooner than expected. DECEMBER! Then she can get her license to practice. Maybe I will get lucky and she will just go back to her home country. If not though, I will file for divorce as soon as she gets her first job. And there are plenty of jobs out there thank God in her field.

[Darsha500]

I can relate Michel,

Not being able to function on as high of a level as I was before getting into my relationship has been one of the most devastating aftereffects of my breakup. Today I took the GRE (graduate record exam) - a rigorous test required for admittance to graduate programs - which i scheduled about a year ago. I began studying for it during the summer, but my study habits were poor due to the amount of attention my relationship required of me. Then when it ended, I was completely drained of all motivation.

The analogy I've come up with is as follows: It's as if I was in the fast lane and my car was running in high gear towards my destination. Then, being the (tragic) hero that I am, I picked up a hitchhiker. Well, I ended up crashing my beautiful car and the sexy hitchhiker is long gone (good riddance). Now I'm in the slow lane and my car is puttering out; running on fumes. Should I just pull over? Or should I gun it and try to get back over to the fast lane?

Well, I decided, in a sense, to pull over. That is, I decided, screw it, I cannot concentrate right now, I'm in to much pain, studying for the GRE is torture enough as it is. I decided to just take the test on the fly. Fortunately, I actually scored within a few points of my desired score. This accomplishment has definitely lifted my morale.

I'm the kind of person who is happiest when productive - I have a high need for achievement. So it SUCKS being this depressed. I too got on medication to help me cope.

It's a matter of balance I think. Even though I was dreading it, pushing myself to actually take the test was well worth it. But on the other hand, I really need to take it easy on myself right now. I'M HURTING! Stitching shut the gaping wound in my heart one stitch at a time. A little dramatic, but thats how It feels at times.

Being compassionate towards yourself is critical, at least in my experience. Its like, I feel bad enough as it is, I don't need to feel worse for not being as productive and "normal" as I would like. I mean, what do I expect after what just went down?

I'd say, push yourself to do things that you may be reluctant to. But, at the same time, be compassionate towards yourself if you simply cannot muster up the motivation. Be your own best parent!

Keep fighting the good fight Michel. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. BELIEVE IT!