4 months NC, encountered my ex's parents

[coldmist]

It's been almost 4 months since I last had contact with my exBPDgf, I was split black and she went NC but stalked me for a short time. Neither of us have made any attempt at contact. I thought I've been doing a lot better this month accepting what happened and moving on with my life. I finally got a new job this month, I'm planning to go back to school in the near future, and I hope to start dating again soon.

My ex's parents came into the place I work at yesterday. Luckily they didn't recognize me but I panicked because I didn't know if my ex was with them or not. She thankfully wasn't. They came in at the end of my shift so I bolted out of there. I never want to see these people ever again especially her horrible narcissist mother who also discarded me. I also really do not want my ex finding out where I work. This is the first in person encounter I've had with any of them since my ex went NC.

I've been feeling really depressed and anxious today. I think seeing them triggered all the bad feelings to come back again. I normally see my therapist every Friday but I won't see her until the 31st.

I knew these people coming in to my work was possible but now I'm going to be worrying about when the next time they'll come in will be or even worse if my ex will be with them. I struggle with anxiety at work to begin with, I don't need this on top of it. I just want to slam the door shut on that chapter of my life and move on.

[once removed]

hey coldmist 

i can certainly understand feeling triggered seeing her parents come into your workplace. am i correct in reading that it was by chance that they were there, or no?

"I've been feeling really depressed and anxious today. I think seeing them triggered all the bad feelings to come back again. I normally see my therapist every Friday but I won't see her until the 31st."

im really sorry youre feeling down as a result of this. i think its natural. id bet money that the overwhelming sense of it will pass relatively soon, but thats not at all to downplay the tremendous impact triggers can have in reopening our wounds. in my experience four months is a short amount of time with respect to triggers and their potential, so be patient with yourself in that regard. i think, especially in four months, you have made tremendous progress.

why do you worry about your ex finding out where you work (besides the obvious). do you think she might show?

[coldmist]

hey coldmist  

i can certainly understand feeling triggered seeing her parents come into your workplace. am i correct in reading that it was by chance that they were there, or no?

"I've been feeling really depressed and anxious today. I think seeing them triggered all the bad feelings to come back again. I normally see my therapist every Friday but I won't see her until the 31st."

im really sorry youre feeling down as a result of this. i think its natural. id bet money that the overwhelming sense of it will pass relatively soon, but thats not at all to downplay the tremendous impact triggers can have in reopening our wounds. in my experience four months is a short amount of time with respect to triggers and their potential, so be patient with yourself in that regard. i think, especially in four months, you have made tremendous progress.

why do you worry about your ex finding out where you work (besides the obvious). do you think she might show?

I work in a restaurant so it was just chance they walked in. I don't know if they're regulars or not.

As for my ex, I don't want to find out. Her and I lived in the same apartment complex until May when she suddenly moved out. For about 2 months from when she first went NC and until the day she moved, she stalked me but refused to speak to me. My therapist thinks she was likely gaslighting and trying to make me feel uncomfortable. Her behavior is unpredictable, I don't know if she would show up or what seeing me in person would trigger her to do.

[once removed]

i can certainly understand not wanting your ex to find out where you work. i wouldnt either.

do you feel like in the event her parents come back, that you might be able to keep out of their sight? make sure someone else covers them?

[coldmist]

i can certainly understand not wanting your ex to find out where you work. i wouldnt either.

do you feel like in the event her parents come back, that you might be able to keep out of their sight? make sure someone else covers them?

As long as they don't see me first, it's likely I could avoid them unless we're getting slammed.

[once removed]

well lets certainly hope that doesnt happen. please do keep us posted!

[coldmist]

I had another run-in with my ex's father today and once again I wasn't recognized. He looked right at me too but nothing. I was still bothered seeing him though, enough that a co-worker said I looked like I was "dead to the world today".

I think maybe her parents have forgotten about me already because of their narcissism which would be great. They live in their little bubble that's all about their family, money, company, and the vanity associated with it all. Anything outside that like former employees (I used to work for them and that's how I met my ex) probably doesn't register.

My ex has gone oddly silent on FB too. It might be because I posted about how well I'm doing at my job lately. She's done mock updates before so maybe it triggered something.

[once removed]

how do you feel as a result of seeing her father? any difference in seeing her parents the most recent time?

i can understand feeling bothered. i wouldnt want to see either of my ex's parents, and i liked one of them.

are you still facebook friends with her?

[coldmist]

how do you feel as a result of seeing her father? any difference in seeing her parents the most recent time?

i can understand feeling bothered. i wouldnt want to see either of my ex's parents, and i liked one of them.

are you still facebook friends with her?

Seeing her father just makes me remember my ex and everything bad that happened. I didn't panic this time but I was annoyed by it.

I was never FB friends with her. She barely used it when I was with her but like days after she went NC (ghosted me actually), her page suddenly became a lot more active and she added a bunch of people. She mostly posts vapid selfies with her gross sister now. Her mock updates have been small like I removed my work info and no time later her's disappeared. I posted about coffee then she did too.

[rotiroti]

After I went n/c with my BPDex her parents wrote me a letter. It was actually pretty sweet and validated that they knew I tried my best with their daughter. Assuming that your ex had 'normal' parents, I wouldn't sweat it. If anything they might understand why you guys split more than anyone else

[once removed]

"Seeing her father just makes me remember my ex and everything bad that happened. I didn't panic this time but I was annoyed by it."

i think thats progress. its expected that it would make you feel uncomfortable. annoyed is different than panicked.

"I was never FB friends with her. She barely used it when I was with her but like days after she went NC (ghosted me actually), her page suddenly became a lot more active and she added a bunch of people. She mostly posts vapid selfies with her gross sister now. Her mock updates have been small like I removed my work info and no time later her's disappeared. I posted about coffee then she did too."

her facebook is not telling the entire story. have you considered why you look at it?

[coldmist]

After I went n/c with my BPDex her parents wrote me a letter. It was actually pretty sweet and validated that they knew I tried my best with their daughter. Assuming that your ex had 'normal' parents, I wouldn't sweat it. If anything they might understand why you guys split more than anyone else

My ex's parents are not normal by any means. Their whole family is high end narcissistic. They are the kind of parents where no one my ex picks will be good enough for her in their eyes. My ex's ex wasn't and I'm sure I wasn't either. Her mother was trying to introduce my ex to her rich friends' sons when we were involved.

Her mother fired me over an argument because she took away a ton of hours from me to give to my ex leaving me with not enough to live on. I lost my cool and was suspended and then fired both over text message. She refused to speak to me over the phone as her way of maintaining control. Supposedly I was fired for "poor performance" but my manager confirmed that she had lied about checking where I worked. He was confused as to why she fired me as I was one of her best employees.

During this same time, I was being stalked by my ex which my therapist thinks was gaslighting. I suspect my ex also smeared me by telling distorted lies to her mother. I think her mother was looking for a reason to get rid of me.

[coldmist]

"I was never FB friends with her. She barely used it when I was with her but like days after she went NC (ghosted me actually), her page suddenly became a lot more active and she added a bunch of people. She mostly posts vapid selfies with her gross sister now. Her mock updates have been small like I removed my work info and no time later her's disappeared. I posted about coffee then she did too."

her facebook is not telling the entire story. have you considered why you look at it?

I haven't thought about why I look at it. I think I do it now because I still want to know what she's doing or if she's finding someone new. It's good you asked that because I realize I'm contradicting myself here. I mentioned in the OP that I want to shut the door on all of this and move on yet I'm checking her page regularly. That isn't moving on.

[once removed]

then we are onto something 

dont kick yourself. i peeked too. youre right, i wasnt moving on, and i was only hurting myself. it was easier to stop when that fully sink in. is peeking hurting or helping?

[coldmist]

then we are onto something 

dont kick yourself. i peeked too. youre right, i wasnt moving on, and i was only hurting myself. it was easier to stop when that fully sink in. is peeking hurting or helping?

I think it's only hurting in that it's keeping her fresh in my mind. I'm desensitized so looking at her page now doesn't make me feel anything.

[once removed]

would it help to wean yourself away from looking? what would help you going forward to move on?

[coldmist]

would it help to wean yourself away from looking? what would help you going forward to move on?

As of last Sunday, I've completely stopped looking at my ex's page. Today I set most of my page to friends only so she can't look at mine either.

I haven't seen her parents since I last posted in this thread and I don't care if I do now. It took some time for me to reach this point but I've realized how much better I am both mentally and physically now than when I was connected to my ex and her parents. I'm through with letting them have any impact on my life anymore. I'm moving on.

[once removed]

good for you coldmist! the entirety of your post indicates serious progress and i wish you even more  .

has all been well since you last posted?

[coldmist]

good for you coldmist! the entirety of your post indicates serious progress and i wish you even more  .

has all been well since you last posted?

Thank you. Yes all has been well. I've been working on improving myself and progressing further at my job. I feel like I've come a long way from where I was before.

[once removed]

it sure sounds like it coldmist  . you might also consider posting on the personal inventory board about your self improvement and progress.

you can find it here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=27.0