How to stop being jealous of BPD SO's female friends

[bohemianchick]

My SO (36M)  and I (43F) have been together almost 3 years.   The biggest problem seems to be my jealousy.   He has a lot of female friends.   I don't have a lot of male friends.   It hasn't been too much of an issue until he left this past March to go on a 6 month trip overseas as a solo traveler.   I initially wasn't supportive of it but then became supportive of it and agreed to wait.   I joined him for the first 2 weeks.   After that, it seems that he's getting along with all the female travelers.   Some have been male as well.

He tells me everything that's going on.   Even when the women want sex with him and he turns them down.   At least that is what he says.    And I don't know if he is telling the truth as I did catch him in a few lies in the relationship.   Not about women, but about other things.

He was previously married 9 years and his ex wife cheated on him 3 times.   He claims he was loyal to her.

I was previously married 12 years and I was the one who cheated.   However, I MAJORLY learned my lesson and through counseling, found the root of it and promised to never do it again.   And I haven't.    I don't even get close to other men because I fear putting myself into that same position.   

Sometimes he makes videos with these women (just talking) and posts them online for everyone else to see.   They are all attractive women, mostly in their 20's.   Most travelers are young, and he is probably older than most.   Also, he has told me that he doesn't always tell the women about me "because if he tells them about me, then they don't talk to him"   But then he leads them on, and then they like him and then he says, "Sorry, I have a girlfriend", then the women get upset and think, "Why didn't you tell me in the beginning?"  "Well, you wouldn't have talked to me then", or "Well, it just seems creepy for me to introduce myself and then to say I have a girlfriend".

I visited him for 2 weeks recently and one woman he previously met asked me if we were dating.   I said 3 years.   She looked shocked and said she didn't know.   She also looked upset.    But he claims he didn't like her, and I didn't really like her either.  Seemed young and immature, and she had to have known we were dating as she saw us kiss and hold hands.   So I was like ?

This hurts me greatly.    It makes me feel not important.    He also doesn't mention me in videos like "I miss you" or small tidbits "because if we break up, I don't want to have to delete the video".   He seems terrified that I will break up with him because of the long distance travel or because of the women.

I admit this jealousy is ruining our relationship.   How to fix?   Or do I really have a reason to be jealous?   I need insight into the male psyche.   I haven't had many relationships in the past as I was married for so long.   What to do?   How can I keep my jealousy at bay and trust him?   I've never caught him in anything, but I just don't like how he handles things.   I really don't think he has done anything with any of them, but definitely leading them on, and I've shared my feelings with him, but he says I'm not respecting myself by worrying about what everyone else thinks and he is respecting the relationship in his own way.   What he said makes sense, but at the same time, it bothers me.   

I know I am insanely jealous.   I admit, I am envious of his travels, that he can travel while I cannot as I have children I need to take care of.  I can travel some, but not for 6 months at a time.   But seeing all his fun adventures and then looking at my own life - being responsible - makes me feel some resentment.    I just really want to be happy for him is all, but I seem to have a hard time doing that.   Any advice.    Because of my jealousy and my resentment, he is moving away from me.

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[Daniell85]

Yes, he is respecting you by repeatedly triangulating you and recording it and uploading the videos to youtube where anyone who has the link can see him behaving like a single man.

Of course you are upset. And there is nothing wrong with you for feeling that way. He has poor boundaries. You don't. So his behavior is setting off alarms for you.

Unfortunately you cannot control him, so you have to fall back on yourself to protect yourself.

I have similar issues with my boyfriend. He cheated and constantly skirts the edge with other women. He projects the "problem" onto me, denying ( like your boyfriend) that he is ignoring good boundaries.

So I can validate for you that you are not the problem. HE is making you the problem. Common among BPD people.

So what do you do about this? You think about your personal values and your boundaries and ask yourself if his behavior is respectful to those boundaries. If not, every time he crosses your boundary, you ... .whatever feels best to you, keeping in mind that your boundaries are for YOU, not him. You protect yourself.

For example, I have had to put my relationship on hold, because my boyfriend is playing push pull games, projecting blame onto me, refusing to account for himself, he appears to have NO boundaries and acts out on any impulse he has that he believes he can push past me.

I came to the conclusion that I can't be present to the antics because they are so upsetting to me that MY life becomes chaotic and scary.

So either you learn to stay calm and find ways to work through it with him ( see the lessons on the right of this page, they will help you) or you detach completely until he wants to have a relationship with good boundaries.

Others here may be able to offer you more ideas.

[Ceruleanblue]

Girl, I've had some lax boundaries at times in my life, but I wouldn't put up with this for a hot minute! Of course you have every reason for this to bother you. He's manipulating these young women, just to stroke his own ego, and he surely is manipulating and projecting onto you too.

I ditto everything that Danielle85 says!

Don't let him boondoggle you into thinking his lax boundaries, or ignoring YOUR feelings is just okay!