Angry, relieved and shocked... still

[gah]

Well, it's been a hard few months since I left in a midnight move. 

I left a 130 year old house we had just bought together - my dream house, a house we were completely gutting.  It was his idea to get the house. The house he was violent in, the house where I found out he wasn't the person I thought he was. 

Since removing myself from the situation I have a hard time feeling empathy or sympathy for him.  I know I should.  He's not well.  Looking back I see his pattern of a six month relationship that is fantastic and then his dark side takes over and he leaves victims, he cheats, he lies... .But then I remember all of the good things he did for me, all the nice things about him and it makes me angry.

We had an amazing relationship, filled with hopes and dreams... .and then poof that guy really never existed. 

I find myself angry, full of revenge-type feelings and actions, that I feel guilty for after.  I do not love him anymore.  He has stopped talking to me, he has a new GF, and he was sleeping with his exwife, and his ex-girlfriend, and who knows who else.  He is now into some serious BDSM with the new girl.  Who is he? 

So... .he inadvertently sent me a message destined for his exwife - it was a pic of her that she had sent him, in her bra, the week before I left.  I copied the exwife he was sleeping with and the new girl.  (why does the exwife keep taking him back?)  I said some really nasty stuff... .all true... .about how when his 21 year old gf lost his baby he spent the night at mine and kicked her out a week later (he's early 40s), how his exwife wasn't the jerk that he was, how the hell is he into shibari immediately with the new girl and how, since he never disclosed to me, that he could sleep around with everyone knowing he had herpes.  He gave me herpes and said he didn't know.  I reiterated our story about his lies in the beginning, but how I believed him only to be made homeless at 45 years old, making a 6-figure salary.

I never listened to my gut.  I was even recording his behaviour, questioning things... .but I just thought it was my own issues with trust and jealousy.  Now I know that my gut what right, that it was him not me.  I found all kinds of hard evidence.  More since I've been gone.  He blames me.

I have met someone new.  A great guy.  An open guy. An honest guy.  A broken guy too - we both seem to really like each other, we get along really well,  but both of us are scared of commitment, we have attachment issues. He spent 20 years with a liar, a cheat and she stole from his business.   I'm so scared of letting him in... .  I know I need to time to heal and wished I met him later.  I've spent a long time on my own.  My therapist likes him.  I keep thinking what if he's not who I think he is. 

[Herodias]

You sound like me... .I had to sell our home we were only in for 2 years... .He cheated so much and I really didn't see it until the end when it was in my face- literally! In my bed on Xmas! He has a new recycled gf too. I have all the feeling like you do. Sometimes I go ahead and get mad and let him have it! I don't care- He can't hurt me now! Physically anyway... .I am still working on the mentally... .I don't feel sorry for mine - That's what kept me so long... That and fear of taking care of myself financially. Actually I am better off now! Keep posting, it helps. So sorry you are in pain and glad you have someone new. I am scared to death of that myself. I am afraid of the opposite sex right now. Don't know what to trust. xo

[Herodias]

P.S. Mine wanted the house and his personality changed drastically there too. He was violent with me there as well... .Some things I saw earlier but not to this extent- how long were you together? My 7 year anniversary is this month. I knew him on and off the year before we married. That makes me think as well...   On and off was safe for him!

[gah]

Hi Blue,

I'm sorry you had to go through that.  It sucks.  We were only together a year.

My new guy is a beautiful person but got out of a 20 year marriage where he was abused, cheated on, she stole from his business, lied and so he has issues too.  It's good until we get super close and he runs away after he cries.  Engulfment.  I am struggling with needing to feel safe and not abandoned - so it's hard.  He is 100 percent honest and lovely.  We're both scared.

Gah

[HappyNihilist]

  Hi there, gah. I've followed some of your story from the Staying boards. It's never easy to 'welcome' someone to Leaving from Staying, but I hope that you can find the support and encouragement that you need here. 

I would encourage you to look at the five stages of detachment on the sidebar =====>

What stage do you feel like you're in right now?

Since removing myself from the situation I have a hard time feeling empathy or sympathy for him.  I know I should.  He's not well. 

Don't pressure yourself to feel things that aren't coming naturally right now. It's normal to have a hard time feeling empathy or sympathy for someone who hurt us and lied to us, no matter what illness they might have.

Empathy for others comes more easily once we have empathy for ourselves. Go easy on yourself - you know you need time to heal.

I find myself angry, full of revenge-type feelings and actions, that I feel guilty for after. 

Anger is an important part of detachment and healing. Revenge fantasies are just that - fantasies.

We all too often become our own 'thought police,' and feel guilty for thoughts and fantasies. But our mind is our one completely private place to process through our feelings and experiences. These feelings, thoughts, and fantasies are all trying to tell us important things about ourselves. It's good to sit with them, work through them. Let yourself feel them.

 I'm so scared of letting him in... .  I know I need to time to heal and wished I met him later.  I've spent a long time on my own.

Do you think maybe exploring a friendship would be more comfortable? That way, there's no pressure on either of you, and you can take time to get to know each other while you each work on yourself. It's completely understandable to feel 'gun shy' about entering into a relationship after having a relationship with someone with BPD or BPD traits.

The most important thing is to take care of You. 

You mention having issues with trust and jealousy, even before your ex. Where do you think those might come from?