Push and pull with myself

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

So this week I have been struggling again with wanting to break NC. It has been a little over 6 weeks now. Struggling with the guilt of going back on saying we could be friends. I am struggling with the back and forth with myself with regards to these issues. I think one of the reasons it has been so strong, wanting to contact her, is because what would have been our 21st anniversary is coming up in a few days. Though we were never officially married, it was still a commited realtionship. There are so many things I miss and so many things I don’t miss. I feel like I am pushing and pulling myself. I know if I wanted to have a friendship with her I could. I could play the part. I have done this more than once in my life. Then I remind myself how painful it was at times. When you still love someone and see them doing and being the person you wanted them to be with you with someone else is very hard. I ask myself if I play the part what benefit does this have for me? I might get some temporary relief from my sadness and missing her. I might get to spend time with her, but would that make things better? I didn’t feel like I could lean on her like a friend before so I would have to be okay with the friendship most likely being one-sided. I know I could do it, but do I really want that? So I don’t give in and try to remind myself that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and things will work out as they are meant too. Some days are harder to have faith in the unknown then others.

The other thing that still bothers me is that she has not made any contact either. Maybe she is respecting my request for time? Maybe she is so busy being happy and well with my replacement? Maybe my replacement magically cured her depression and anxiety? Maybe my replacement solved all of her financial problems? Maybe I am painted blacker then black because I went back on my word about being there for her? Maybe her life is falling apart and she is too embarrassed or ashamed to make contact? Maybe she will never talk to me again? Does she think about me? Does she still love me, like she said she did in our last interaction? Why do I worry about it? Have to remind myself to go back to the having faith that everything will work out like it is supposed to.

I know I am just rambling on here. I am just trying to get these thoughts out in the open to air out some. I do know that I still love her deeply. I love her even with all her issues. I would have gone the distance with her. I would have done whatever was needed to try to improve our relationship. I know there is no going back to the way it was, put I was able to imagine how much better it could be, if we had just tried. Maybe this is why I struggle with myself? When we were together I was willing to keep trying, but after this last situation, I just can’t keep trying, not even as friends, at least not right now. My wounds are deep. I don’t have anything to give right now. I need all my energy and focus to be on me. I need to heal. I can’t and won’t continue to live like this. I found an old journal of mine. I have my own pattern with relationships and it’s not a healthy pattern. I want to be healthy. I want real and meaningful relationships. I want to be happy and at peace with myself.

I guess I will just keep trucking along. I am learning to love myself, put myself first. I will do my best to let go of the things I have no control over. I will do my best to have faith that things are as they are meant to be right now. I will do my best to have faith that by letting go of things out of my control that need to be worked out will be worked out on their own and for the best.

 

[twanda2020]

So this week I have been struggling again with wanting to break NC. It has been a little over 6 weeks now. Struggling with the guilt of going back on saying we could be friends. I am struggling with the back and forth with myself with regards to these issues. I think one of the reasons it has been so strong, wanting to contact her, is because what would have been our 21st anniversary is coming up in a few days. Though we were never officially married, it was still a commited realtionship. There are so many things I miss and so many things I don’t miss. I feel like I am pushing and pulling myself. I know if I wanted to have a friendship with her I could. I could play the part. I have done this more than once in my life. Then I remind myself how painful it was at times. When you still love someone and see them doing and being the person you wanted them to be with you with someone else is very hard. I ask myself if I play the part what benefit does this have for me? I might get some temporary relief from my sadness and missing her. I might get to spend time with her, but would that make things better? I didn’t feel like I could lean on her like a friend before so I would have to be okay with the friendship most likely being one-sided. I know I could do it, but do I really want that? So I don’t give in and try to remind myself that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and things will work out as they are meant too. Some days are harder to have faith in the unknown then others.

The other thing that still bothers me is that she has not made any contact either. Maybe she is respecting my request for time? Maybe she is so busy being happy and well with my replacement? Maybe my replacement magically cured her depression and anxiety? Maybe my replacement solved all of her financial problems? Maybe I am painted blacker then black because I went back on my word about being there for her? Maybe her life is falling apart and she is too embarrassed or ashamed to make contact? Maybe she will never talk to me again? Does she think about me? Does she still love me, like she said she did in our last interaction? Why do I worry about it? Have to remind myself to go back to the having faith that everything will work out like it is supposed to.

I know I am just rambling on here. I am just trying to get these thoughts out in the open to air out some. I do know that I still love her deeply. I love her even with all her issues. I would have gone the distance with her. I would have done whatever was needed to try to improve our relationship. I know there is no going back to the way it was, put I was able to imagine how much better it could be, if we had just tried. Maybe this is why I struggle with myself? When we were together I was willing to keep trying, but after this last situation, I just can’t keep trying, not even as friends, at least not right now. My wounds are deep. I don’t have anything to give right now. I need all my energy and focus to be on me. I need to heal. I can’t and won’t continue to live like this. I found an old journal of mine. I have my own pattern with relationships and it’s not a healthy pattern. I want to be healthy. I want real and meaningful relationships. I want to be happy and at peace with myself.

I guess I will just keep trucking along. I am learning to love myself, put myself first. I will do my best to let go of the things I have no control over. I will do my best to have faith that things are as they are meant to be right now. I will do my best to have faith that by letting go of things out of my control that need to be worked out will be worked out on their own and for the best.

 

[scgator]

So this week I have been struggling again with wanting to break NC. It has been a little over 6 weeks now. Struggling with the guilt of going back on saying we could be friends. I am struggling with the back and forth with myself with regards to these issues. I think one of the reasons it has been so strong, wanting to contact her, is because what would have been our 21st anniversary is coming up in a few days. Though we were never officially married, it was still a commited realtionship. There are so many things I miss and so many things I don’t miss. I feel like I am pushing and pulling myself. I know if I wanted to have a friendship with her I could. I could play the part. I have done this more than once in my life. Then I remind myself how painful it was at times. When you still love someone and see them doing and being the person you wanted them to be with you with someone else is very hard. I ask myself if I play the part what benefit does this have for me? I might get some temporary relief from my sadness and missing her. I might get to spend time with her, but would that make things better? I didn’t feel like I could lean on her like a friend before so I would have to be okay with the friendship most likely being one-sided. I know I could do it, but do I really want that? So I don’t give in and try to remind myself that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and things will work out as they are meant too. Some days are harder to have faith in the unknown then others.

The other thing that still bothers me is that she has not made any contact either. Maybe she is respecting my request for time? Maybe she is so busy being happy and well with my replacement? Maybe my replacement magically cured her depression and anxiety? Maybe my replacement solved all of her financial problems? Maybe I am painted blacker then black because I went back on my word about being there for her? Maybe her life is falling apart and she is too embarrassed or ashamed to make contact? Maybe she will never talk to me again? Does she think about me? Does she still love me, like she said she did in our last interaction? Why do I worry about it? Have to remind myself to go back to the having faith that everything will work out like it is supposed to.

I know I am just rambling on here. I am just trying to get these thoughts out in the open to air out some. I do know that I still love her deeply. I love her even with all her issues. I would have gone the distance with her. I would have done whatever was needed to try to improve our relationship. I know there is no going back to the way it was, put I was able to imagine how much better it could be, if we had just tried. Maybe this is why I struggle with myself? When we were together I was willing to keep trying, but after this last situation, I just can’t keep trying, not even as friends, at least not right now. My wounds are deep. I don’t have anything to give right now. I need all my energy and focus to be on me. I need to heal. I can’t and won’t continue to live like this. I found an old journal of mine. I have my own pattern with relationships and it’s not a healthy pattern. I want to be healthy. I want real and meaningful relationships. I want to be happy and at peace with myself.

I guess I will just keep trucking along. I am learning to love myself, put myself first. I will do my best to let go of the things I have no control over. I will do my best to have faith that things are as they are meant to be right now. I will do my best to have faith that by letting go of things out of my control that need to be worked out will be worked out on their own and for the best.

 

I've been there twanda. For me, I had to remind myself that the missing/longing/wondering stuff was a biological reaction to being addicted to an unhealthy rs. And both are true - the rs was addicting and the reaction after leaving is biological withdrawal symptoms. It lessens the longer we're away from the "drug".

Maybe my replacement magically cured her depression and anxiety?

Unfortunately, there is no magical cure. I thought hanging in and showing my ex I wasn't doing what she thought, spending all my time with her, reporting in when I was on the way, or getting to the office, leaving for lunch, etc. I even allowed her to go through my phone and work PC looking for her "proof" that I was cheating. None of it worked. When she didn't find anything other than spam, she said I just delete everything. She didn't magically understand that I didn't do anything she accused me of, didn't magically understand that I did love her. Instead it was all too much, for the both of us really, and the circular arguments just continued. I tried defending, justifying, explaining, withdrawing, walking away, validating, tried to get to the underlying emotion - again, none of it worked. Maybe in this case, your exes' symptoms have been repressed but more than likely at some point the new attachment will become a trigger as well. Without years of therapy it's almost inevitable.

As you said, would contacting her make things better? What would you say? What do you think would happen after contact? How do you think you would feel? I've asked myself the same questions and realized my desire to reach out was because I was hurt and alone and seeking comfort from the very person that made me this way. Would I get it? Probably in the beginning, but eventually she would crack.

I keep on trucking too. It's all we can do. Time and distance helps tremendously. So does staying away from FB/social media, not reading old positive stuff, not fantasizing about how things could have worked out differently. Focus on the positives for you. You can't be friends right now and you recognize that and put that boundary out there. That's great! Same with the fact that you are trying to let go and work on you and you left a relationship that many never do. Focus on the positives and give yourself credit where you can. I've tried that and it helps.

Hang in there and when the need really rises up, hop on here and post or journal it rather than break NC. Soon after breaking up, it was all I could do to stay away. I ended up replying to her rants but in my own journal. I also wrote her a couple of letters and emails that I never sent. As soon as I felt that urge, I would just pour it all out onto paper and then let it go. Sometimes I re-read those along with the list of things she did and said to me that drove me away. All of it, while sad, helps remind me that I really didn't get my needs met in the rs and that I fell into a pattern of living that was very physically, mentally and emotionally unhealthy. I for one won't spend my life being dumped on emotionally just to put up with it all and have her run off to a replacement as soon as something comes up that triggers her. No way.

[twanda2020]

Thanks scgator!

I have been trying to journal and when I feel really weak or need to just get somethings I out I post here.

Funny thing is that one of the reasons I am able to stay in NC is because I have no idea what I would say. I would want to explain myself and have a feeling I would fall back into the pattern of avoiding what I really want to say about how I feel and what is going on with me. Arranging my words in a way that would create the least conflict and misunderstanding. Though as hard as I tried in the past, something was always taken wrong or out of context. I can be blunt sometimes and that isn't really a good thing with a possible BPD who suffers from depression and anxiety, at least in my experience. So I learned to just shut down, bury my feelings, hold my tongue.

I know I had some resentment over the years. I actually learned to let that go. That is why I was willing to stay and keep trying with her. I accepted who she was and I realized I really loved her, all of her. It is weird, its like as soon as I did that everything crumpled. She couldn't do it anymore, she needed out and felt great relief when she told me all this. I was heart broken. I had opened up, made myself vulnerable for the first time in a long time and bam! She doesn't want and can't be with me anymore!

Same story with the recycle. I was everything, she missed me, I was home for her, where her heart was, etc. Then she met someone, somehow and again she just couldn't be with me! Now I am crying again. :'(

I love her and I hope she can really find happiness and relief. I can't deny I wish it was with me, but I am learning to accept that is not the case. I don't know what the future holds. Have faith is what I keep telling myself. Life will work things out in the best way possible for me! I just wish it would give me a sign or something.

 

[scgator]

Thanks scgator!

I have been trying to journal and when I feel really weak or need to just get somethings I out I post here.

Funny thing is that one of the reasons I am able to stay in NC is because I have no idea what I would say. I would want to explain myself and have a feeling I would fall back into the pattern of avoiding what I really want to say about how I feel and what is going on with me. Arranging my words in a way that would create the least conflict and misunderstanding. Though as hard as I tried in the past, something was always taken wrong or out of context. I can be blunt sometimes and that isn't really a good thing with a possible BPD who suffers from depression and anxiety, at least in my experience. So I learned to just shut down, bury my feelings, hold my tongue.

I know I had some resentment over the years. I actually learned to let that go. That is why I was willing to stay and keep trying with her. I accepted who she was and I realized I really loved her, all of her. It is weird, its like as soon as I did that everything crumpled. She couldn't do it anymore, she needed out and felt great relief when she told me all this. I was heart broken. I had opened up, made myself vulnerable for the first time in a long time and bam! She doesn't want and can't be with me anymore!

Same story with the recycle. I was everything, she missed me, I was home for her, where her heart was, etc. Then she met someone, somehow and again she just couldn't be with me! Now I am crying again. :'(

I love her and I hope she can really find happiness and relief. I can't deny I wish it was with me, but I am learning to accept that is not the case. I don't know what the future holds. Have faith is what I keep telling myself. Life will work things out in the best way possible for me! I just wish it would give me a sign or something.

 

Wow Twanda, I could have typed most of that myself. I did get to explain my feelings but I really don't think there was much processing of it on her part. There never really was, looking back on things. It helped me feel a little better though.

I would want to explain myself and have a feeling I would fall back into the pattern of avoiding what I really want to say about how I feel and what is going on with me. Arranging my words in a way that would create the least conflict and misunderstanding. Though as hard as I tried in the past, something was always taken wrong or out of context.

I went through this constantly. I found myself editing what I would say and what I wouldn't just to keep the conflict at a minimum. I also was very open in the beginning and let down a lot of my guard and ended up having most everything turned around on me. The stuff I spoke with her candidly about ended up becoming ammo whenever she  needed to bring me low. I was and still am heart broken. I feel like she ripped mine out and stomped all over it and is now out having fun and blaming me.

I also refused both a fwb and just friends relationship with her. I don't know if she understood where I was coming from or not but, like you, I didn't want to see her with someone else doing the things I'd rather be doing with her. I said I can't be with you and not "be" with you. At first she didn't understand and then said she did - I have no idea any more what part of what she says is true.

I've felt horrible for abandoning her after promising not to and I still do. But I also remember promises made from her - "I promise I will never hurt you" ended up being "I promise I will intentionally hurt you by using everything you told me and what I think you told me against you and don't worry, my blows will be very low"

After I was thrown out the first time and stayed at a hotel, she called to ask me to come back. We talked, she said we're a family, she and her son missed me, she loved me and wanted me to come home. I did and the next 24 hours was blissful, lots of make up sex and a really good day. The next day I came home from work and she said she thinks I'm a narcissistic sociopath and maybe I should get my own place. The next day she was back to accusing me of cheating on her, she got physically and verbally abusive and told me to get out. I did. It had been like that for the last couple of months, nearly day to day to day.

I am very sad for her, for me, for her son, for the rs, and that she has to live like that. But I can't live like that - my body was shutting down, I developed anxiety, depression, and lost quite a bit of weight. I became afraid of her - a lot like how I grew up, actually. It got to the point that whenever she would start to go off or even hint of it, my body would shake and I was unable to stop it.

I still cry too from time to time but I know a LOT of what I'm dealing with is old childhood stuff which this rs just compounded. So I come on here, journal, talk to my T, talk to my dog, talk to my inner children, self-sooth in both unhealthy and healthy ways as I try to navigate my way out of this mess. All the while, missing the fantasy rs. What I thought it was or we had.

Each week has it's ups and downs but time and distance help. I still give her too much power though. An old ex wants me to go watch a band with her Friday. I said no because I'm afraid I would run into my ex or someone who knows her. I'm afraid of the reprisal - the tirade of hate and abuse that could come of it because it will hurt her or piss her off. That's one disadvantage of being LC and still caring about what she thinks. I need to get over that part. This is no way to live.

Have faith, keep moving forward and make an effort to do something for you. I went to my first meetup group last Friday - a board game night at a someone's house. They knew each other and I was a stranger but I went anyway. That was very hard and very much outside my comfort zone. But I lived and had fun. At the end, they asked me to come back and I felt so good to hear that. It was hard to go at first but I'm glad I did and plan on going back again.

I asked friends to include me when they do stuff as I'm trying to get a life. I don't care how it sounds, I'd rather be open and honest. They've been great and yesterday I went to dinner and a car show with them. I even saw a woman checking me out and vice versa while going around the show. I didn't have the guts to go say anything but it sure made me feel good.

I hope you're doing better today.

[cloudten]

I am struggling with all of these things myself today.

I got done telling a friend that I feel like the most painful part, whether I am talking to my xBPDbf or not, the most painful part is that I know it won't work even though I want it to so badly.  I am in pain without him, and pain when with him, and I can't tell which is worse.  It's like trying to start a car with a dead battery... .you keep turning the key and turning the key and turning the key hoping it will magically turn over... .off and on... .yet it is dead... .it will never turn on without a jump from another vehicle or a brand new battery. 

What these people with BPD need is a new battery- which is impossible practically.

I often feel like I am in a Hitchcock movie. I don't know if I'm coming or going- a house of mirrors. 

I know what the internal push and pull feels like. It's horrible.

[twanda2020]

I am doing better today!

I will never fully understand how one day I am over sensitve, in tears, feeling lonely, grieving, and even at times angry. Dwelling on all the years we spent together, dreams we shared that will not happen, at least not with each other.

Then others days its just quick passing thoughts of my Ex, with little to no real emotion or I should say attachment to the emotion. I would like to think this means I am moving on. That I am detaching.

Sometimes I want to be angry and hateful because I feel like if I do that maybe I would move through this faster. I just can't. I was not perfect in the relationship. I know I made many mistakes too. I feel I am more educated and capable of dealing with things now then I was before, when and if I need too. So I can't hate her, I can't dwell in my fear and anger. It just doesn't feel right to do that.

I will admit grieving, starting over, facing myself and who I am now that I am not the caretake, rescuer, etc. isn't exactly pleasant. I would rather not be going through any this, I am sure others feel the same way.

I am just Thankful I have a place to come to to share, vent, etc. Where others understand and can relate. It helps me feel connected and hopeful!

 

[scgator]

Twanda, glad you're doing better today! Just keep trucking. I read somewhere on here about the grieving process and it said that it won't be linear and we may bounce around from one stage to another. It sounds to me like you're working your way through the grieving process and that's great! I am the same way. It's day to day and sometimes moment to moment. I go from feeling great to depressed and tearful. Now I just try to identify what I'm feeling and make sure it's not something from my past and then feel it and let it come through. It's not pleasant, but for me, after having guarded and hidden my feelings for over 4 decades, it is helping and is also a bit exciting. To fall in love but with myself, someone that will never leave, ever, until the end. I already have all I need, if I pay attention and acknowledge it. That's tough, for me anyway, coming face to face with rage, despair, anger, jealousy, ambivalence, home sickness, loneliness, and all the other dark emotions that I've buried. Though it does allow me to feel things like joy and excitement too.

I just keep focusing on the positives and like we said, keep on trucking. And I too am very thankful to have found someplace where people "get it" and where I can vent. My family and the few friends I have just can't relate.

Cloudten, I don't know about anyone else but I know I feel/felt the same way too. The most painful part is knowing it wouldn't ever work no matter how badly I wanted it to. Sure, I could lie to myself and put hope over history but I think the end result, especially since my BPDexgf is not seeking treatment of any kind, would just be a repeat if not even worse for the both of us. The pain with/without her got better with time, distance and reconnecting with myself. Doing things outside my comfort zone and focusing on me. And also being aware of my motivation and knowing that even if I continued to try, being a trigger for her would only make HER life even more miserable. In the end, I never wanted that for her so I know it's kinder to both of us to stay away. While it's not always easy, when progress is made, even little baby steps, it feels good.