Mini Melt Down/Anxiety Attack - Possible Encounter Tonight

[twanda2020]

So I am going out tonight to an event where I could possibly run into my Ex and Replacement #2.  I have no way of knowing for sure whether they will be there or not. It has been 9 weeks since I have seen her and 8 weeks NC since the end of the 1st recycle attempt. The orginal BU was 2 years ago. I feel like I should be way further along in all this, but the recycle attempt set me back, way back.

A friend of mine IM'd me earlier today, last time I I talked to her she invited me to an event that is in 3 weeks away and mentioned that we could run into my Ex. So when she IM'd me today (my friend) I was triggered. Which was weird, but I think she is a trigger because anytime I go out with her and her GF I run a greater chance of running into my Ex, since my Ex all of a sudden is a socialite.  So anyway I said I would go, because I need to go! I need to do this! I need go out with friends! I had been mentally preparing myself for this possible encounter for 3 weeks from now. Funny how the Universe works. Apparently it has other things in mind for me. Who knows what it has in store for me? Maybe I will make some new friends or meet someone. I am getting to a place where I kind of want to meet someone.

I said yes, at the same time I was having a pretty good panic/anxiety attack about it. I know I am reacting to something that hasn't happened, and I have no real idea how things will go tonight. I mean I know I have control over my reaction or how I handle it. So I am trying to set my intention on how things will go tonight. Not nearly as freaked out as I was earlier. I will be honest, my first reaction to all of this with my Ex is to run far away. I know that is not the healthy way to deal with it. I need to tackle this and prove to myself how strong and resilient I am. I will have my friends there for support if something does happen. So really what am I afraid of or worried about?

I guess I was just wondering what your fears were and how did you deal with them related to the first encounter after a period of NC? How it ended up differently then how you imagined it would go? What where you afraid of? How was it seeing your Ex with the replacement? Etc... .

 

[LimboFL]

Hi Twanda,

Very difficult situation and I would probably be as anxious as you are. Fortunately, there is no chance of that ever happening to me. Despite 4 years living under the same roof with my exBPDgf, we shared no one in common.

I can offer any solace to help you come down from the very natural feelings you have, but I will say this. If you go into this situation with your head held high and you have a good time (without making it seem like you are trying) then, if she happens to be there the right message will be conveyed. That you have long since moved on and that you aren't phased by her presence. It will take nerves of steel but try talking yourself into it. Think of it as your opportunity to take control.

Then, you might consider cutting out early. Gather your friends and hit a bar or club or whatever social entertainment floats your boat, even go home, just so long as you leave first.

The most important thing is to hold your head high and be confident. You don't need her.

Good luck!

[twanda2020]

The most important thing is to hold your head high and be confident. You don't need her.

Good luck!

Thanks LimboFL!

I know I need to do this. I have repeatedly thought about how I want this evening to go. I have redirected any negative or troublesome thoughts, to positive and uplifting ones.

Tonight is a test of faith in myself and my HP. I know and believe that everything happens for a reason and I will be given exactly what I need when I need it. I am learning to be more confident, secure, loving, trusting, and I am learning to live life to the fullest! Learning to allow the uneasy feelings to come and go. Learning to focus on me and my true self!

Tonight's goals are to have fun, enjoy and being grateful for my friends, who have my back. To enjoy myself and try my hardest to just radiate love and happiness. To make new friends! To live in the moment.  

It's going to be a good night!

 

[valet]

Hey there twanda, I'm sorry that you're suffering from anxiety related to running into your ex.



It sounds like you know what's going on here. You're being triggered by whether or not you'll handle a potential encounter well. This is totally normal. I agonized over the same things with my pwBPD. Great job recognizing this here!

In my experience, the only way to deal with the pain is to... .well, go through it. I did a lot of writing about my feelings. I find that I am more centered when I externalize these feelings. It takes their power away, for me. Things, of course, are never what they seem to be. I would stress this mindset, and let it lead you to the idea that we can't control others. You may see your ex, or you may not, but how you deal with either of those situations is entirely up to you. The path is yours to walk.

So, where do you feel that your path is going, and what are you willing to stop along the way for?

[LimboFL]

Excellent, rooting for you!

[twanda2020]

So all the stress and anxiety was for nothing. No run in with the ex.

A few weekends from now could be a different story. Tackle that when it happens.

So I decided the path I would take tonight was least resistance and love. Meaning no matter how hard I try not to I still love my ex.  Have known her 20 years. So my plan was simple. I was with my friends and I knew they had my back. So it was about enjoying being with them. An adventure of sorts.

If I saw my ex I did not plan on engaging, especially since I still not sure what I would say. If she was to approach me I would do my very best to be kind. Try not to be rude or an ass. Not saying that thought doesn't cross my mind, but for me it's not the direction I want to go.

I know I can move on and be happy. I have known her for 20 years and happiness is not something that last with her. It wouldn't surprise me if there wasn't already issues starting to pop up for her and her new relationship.

Bonus that came out of tonight was my friend let me know she wasn't really friends with replacement #2, that this girl just friend requested her on Fb. My friend has a lot of fb friends. I didn't ask about it because I knew my friend was true, even though my ex had planted a seed to try an convince me otherwise. My friend told me with out me asking. That was nice.

Had a good night and feeling good. I know post like this are not popular. It feels good trying to come at it from love and kindness. I am still hurt. I still get angry sometimes. I still cry. I am trying to take this route for me not for my ex. I am tired of suffering. It's time for a shift. I know my ex will realize or have a moment of clarity. I wasn't a perfect partner, but I loved her truly and deeply. She gave that up for green pastures. That was her choice. My choice is to live the rest of my life to the fullest.

Ps. Haha doesn't mean next week I won't be writing another crying post.


 

[valet]

I'm glad that you're feeling good, twanda.

I say that the path of least resistance is also best, but it is smart not to compromise our own emotions in favor of pursuing it. We do have to accept our emotions. This is part of taking that path. In other words, we cannot follow the path if we are not willing to see it.

It's alright to feel angry and hurt. Most of us have felt this way. It is a part of the grieving process, and by extension, part of detachment. Maybe it is time for a shift. None of us were perfect partners, and I understand the depth of love that people can give to their pwBPD. She did make her choice, and it sounds like you're making yours.

Now, how can you optimize that choice? What do you think is truly best for you?