Bad Memory in BPD Spouse

[dacoming]

Does anyone else have constant problems where your BPD spouse always accuses you of not telling them something that you know you told them or remembers things that you said totally different than what you actually said?  My wife ALWAYS gets mad at me for not telling her something or keeping things from her but the second I try to show her I did tell her, she instantly blows up saying I'm a liar and defensive.  She claims I don't like to be wrong and says I'm a compulsive liar.  I've been the one who calls and pays the bills with some of them set up to come out automatically.  She complained last week that I don't involve her in the bill paying so I made a list detailing all of the bills that were due for this pay period.  There were a couple that are due every 2 weeks so I wrote that on the list.  There are a lot of bills, more due than money in the bank.  Of the house bills, our electric bill was sky high and was overdue so I paid that one and the gas bill one day.  I told her about it and mentioned the electric bill again when a letter with a pink notice came in the mail.  She said it must be a disconnection notice and I told her that bill was paid.  On another day, I mentioned to her that I thought we should pay the water and the cable bills as well and put off the credit card payments until the next payday.  She said just make sure we are not broke.  So I only paid the cable which I did not come back and tell her afterwards.  Yesterday, she told me about something she needed to buy and I told her it would have to wait.  We only have a little over a couple hundred dollars available until payday because the other money in the bank is for our debt consolidation bill and would come out today.  She started going on me about not involving her again with the bills and not telling her what I paid and so on.  She went on for a while about that and how she has no clue what bills we have and when they are due.  I just apologized and promised I would do better even though I DID try to involve her.  This same thing happens with everything.  For example, she brought up how I never told her what extra money I was getting while stationed in Germany over 2-3 years ago.  However, in addition to trying to explain it to her multiple times, I sent her my pay statements by email on several occasions.  But she still insists I hid it from her and now, 2-3 years later, wants me to try to get a hold of my LES's from that time.  Keep in mind that I'm retired from the military now and I can only pull statements up to a year back.  I still have at least one email and probably more showing I sent her an LES from 2012.  If I pull it up, she's going to look at it and expect me to remember how much was going to each bill and what each allotment was for.  It's so infuriating!  I don't know what's more infuriating, the projection or the bad memory.  She tries to turn it around on me by saying I'm the one forgetting things and saying I need to get help.  She does this with the kids too and accused us of lying and turning events around because she takes medicine on the regular.  She throws this in my face all the time when it is the furthest thing from the truth.  I'm thinking I should try to record the conversations that I initiate about certain things just so I can play it back when it comes up later like I didn't tell her. 

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[Sadly]

Mine was notorious for doing exactly the same but I tell you what, dont waste your time or energy gathering proof. They see things in black and white but woe betide you if you produce black and white. I used to do it in the beginning, produced an email and was then told I had been cutting and pasting! Followed by expressions of disgust " what lengths I would go to to cover my lying" blah blah, and he has called me a liar ever since. Also if something irefutable was stuck under his nose he would just totally blank it, no explanations, he couldn't see it, wouldn't see it and 5 minutes later acted as if nothing had happened. I used to doubt my own sanity at times. It won't change, they can't change. Ignoring it broke down all my self respect, following the " ok just agree for a quiet life sapped my energy and I came to hate myself for being a weak pathetic person. I wasn't I know that now, hence I am out of it all. Good luck to you. 

[Hope26]

" ok just agree for a quiet life sapped my energy and I came to hate myself for being a weak pathetic person. I wasn't I know that now, hence I am out of it all. Good luck to you." -Quote from 'Sadly'.

Yes, and if you disagree, you will have a less quiet life, the arguing can go on and on, and your energy gets even more sapped.  I think that's the quandary a lot of us face.  I don't have answers here, just empathy.

[sempervivum]

This bad memory and all connected with it is something that frustrates. I used to argue and I used to explain but came to the conclusion you all came to: there is no use.

So, that brings me to different results. Sometimes I am just not in the mood to process it peacefully and I withdraw myself, but on luckier days I baffle him just as much as he baffles me. When he says something that is not true, I must admit I use an (unfair?) validation and say that I understand he is sure, but I am sure in my version of events.

Right now I am still rather new in the field of validation, so I consider myself as a novice.

[dacoming]

Mine was notorious for doing exactly the same but I tell you what, dont waste your time or energy gathering proof. They see things in black and white but woe betide you if you produce black and white. I used to do it in the beginning, produced an email and was then told I had been cutting and pasting! Followed by expressions of disgust " what lengths I would go to to cover my lying" blah blah, and he has called me a liar ever since. Also if something irefutable was stuck under his nose he would just totally blank it, no explanations, he couldn't see it, wouldn't see it and 5 minutes later acted as if nothing had happened. I used to doubt my own sanity at times. It won't change, they can't change. Ignoring it broke down all my self respect, following the " ok just agree for a quiet life sapped my energy and I came to hate myself for being a weak pathetic person. I wasn't I know that now, hence I am out of it all. Good luck to you. 

It seems you had the exact same feelings I am having.  I've also heard the email tampering line multiple times.  It's amazing the stories I read on this board are eerily similar or the same as mine.  One time while stationed overseas in Germany without her, I told her I had to pay $100 for a graduation fee or some type of fee in order to complete my Bachelor's degree online at AMU.  She immediately got angry and told me how she knows I'm lying and that she's not stupid to be manipulated by me.  I told her to check the account; I used the debit card and it says exactly who the money went to.  She then said that I probably did it and had them send me the money back some kind of way... .It doesn't matter what proof you have, they refuse to acknowledge it.  I told her I wish we could record all of our conversations and go back to those recordings when we have these debates, whether I'm right or wrong.  I question my sanity a lot and it doesn't help when our daughter (technically my stepdaughter) validates her version of events every time whether she was there or not.  I say that because there was a time or two where I know our daughter was not present when we had the discussion but they both said she was and heard it.  But they try to convince me that she's a daddy's girl and loves and defends me as much as her mother although I never see it; it's when I'm not around I guess.  Sometimes I feel I hate myself for being weak.  I've practically lost my best friend because of this marriage.  She basically admitted that I seem like a chump who let's my wife run all over me and that it's clear that I need to leave.