BPD wife is driving me insane (no emotional connection, no affection, no sex)

Hi all!

I've hesitated to join one of these forums because I barely have the energy anymore to "rewind" my memory and "verbalize" the events that occur with my (my diagnosis) BPD wife of 10 years. I'm honestly run down to the point - I guess I don't really care anymore. No, no, no! Not suicide ideation - I just generally don't give a sh*t!

Anyhow, without sounding like a disaster myself, I met and eventually married a very attractive woman. Of course, after reading through the BPD stuff, I now see all the reasons how I got snared in her "trap." Classic, CLASSIC stuff - everything I liked/wanted/did/etc she aligned herself with, and completely put me under her spell. Naturally, at some point, she couldn't maintain the facade, and the inner demon b***h presented - at which point I promptly exited the relationship with GREAT sadness. And so began the cycle of stalking, coming over to my house and sitting on my back porch for HOURS, smoking cigarettes and frantically calling me (unbeknownst to her I would be home of course, car in the garage). I used to sneak around inside my house as it got dark and literally laughing to myself about how ridiculous and insane it was to be doing this as a 30+ year old man. Moving around my house being as quiet as a mouse so I didn't have to face her - TRYING to do the right thing and stay away - I knew/ something was wrong with her but didn't know exactly what. Actually, looking back when I picture her doing this, sitting outside in the Georgia summer heat, freaking out, desperately wanting me back - it's really pathetic and sad and I kind of feel sorry for her - a little. Again, classic push/pull, and I would eventually cave in after weeks of INCESSANT pleas, and this, and that. I would always think, "Wow, she was really upset and it honestly seemed like it hurt her. I only have to reach out and touch a hot stove once to learn action=pain and don't EVER do it again. I guess she's learned that I don't like her acting like _(insert insane episode here)_ because I'll be gone if she does." Wash, rinse, repeat - ad infinitum. Yeah, I see the problem with that now, but I had no clue that I was dealing with a professional, no - make that PhD - in manipulation.

It turns out my best friend from college ended up having a relationship with a married, *diagnosed* BPD woman. He and I met in engineering school but he eventually decided he would rather be in the medical field (? big jump I know). He eventually became a paramedic, and was working on numerous other certifications. The reason that's all relevant is because it was those ties to doctors/nurses/professionals at a small hospital in a small town that he learned that this woman he was seeing was diagnosed BPD. I won't go into any of the details, as if I could remember, but someone went into a really dark gray area and he was cautiously informed that he needed to be careful. I know, I know, this was treading into confidentiality, ethics and HIPAA, etc, etc. But it's how he *knew* what he was dealing with.

The upshot of this? When he and I talked, and I would seek validation on my wife's most recent bat s**t crazy episode and it wasn't long before he started to tell me that she was behaving in ways that were almost IDENTICAL to his BPD girlfriend - and the first I had ever even heard of this borderline stuff.

After many, many hours of discussion and comparisons we concluded that my wife was of the high functioning type. She has a great job, makes tons of money, they all seem to love her, my family thinks she just the sweetest thing, etc. So if I ever tried to describe one of her episodes, the conversation would invariably end with a family member looking somewhat puzzled - unable to reconcile my sweet, pretty, darling, thoughtful wife they have always known with this hateful, venom spitting, satanic b***h straight from hell (and I'm understaing this) that I had just described. I quickly realized that any attempt to explain why I was upset or looked like s**t because of the torture from my marriage only made ME look like the ass. To THIS DAY I honestly don't think any of them believe me - I'd be willing to bet that they listened to a story and thought to themselves, "Yeah, but what all did YOU do? I'm sure she didn't just act that way unprovoked. What part do you play in all of this that's causing her to act like that?" So, naturally there aren't too many people to talk to about all this. I finally got my mom to realize what she was capable of - I made her promise me that if my wife ever called her and told her some outlandish thing about me (the smear campaign) that she would take it all with a grain of salt and talk to me ASAP to get the other side of the story. Not going into it now, but there had been some small attempts by my wife to cast me in a negative light to my mom. What was cool was that eventually my mom took down all of our wedding pictures and stuff! So I knew I finally had her at worst neutral and most likely in my corner. Of course I didn't want to weigh my mom down with this crap, but I would get a little validation from her from time to time (we were always pretty close).

Sadly, she passed in the middle of 2014 so... . And please don't think I'm trying to boo hoo it up - feel sorry for "widdle owe me," but my best friend died unexpectedly in an accident. After losing those two, "sounding boards" if you will, I've fallen into quite a hole (of my own making). My best friend was the only one who TRULY understood what it was like being in this cesspool and why it was so difficult to walk away. I will forever remember one time when he told me that falling in love with the person I *thought* my wife was, it was like falling in love with a character in a movie. The actor is "faking" being a person they truly aren't - for the purposes of entertainment. He said, your wife is doing it for survival. The person you love and keep holding onto, doesn't really exist and never really has. All so, so true but also so f*****g hard to accept!

In a lot of the articles I've read, it's desribed as giving a thristy man a thimble of water or a hungry man a crumb - that's what keeps you coming back. Before I had ever heard it stated that way, I told him I felt like it was like floating in a river of nasty, rotten sewage and every know and then a beautiful, longed for flower pops up to punctuate the despair only to disappear as quickly as it appeared. Then spending every ounce of energy searching for that flower again, because finding it is such a satisfying comfort and boost of "energy."

My point? I don't know - it's late and I think I'm rambling. I am reaching the end of my ability to cope with this sexless, no emotional connection, disaster that has become my marriage. Countless things that have happened, that even if by some miracle she were cured of her BPD, I don't know if I could ever get past them - her breast implants and going to work all dolled up (reasonably professional of course) long hair down - but around me I get hair wadded up in a bun on top of her head and baggy, paint stained shorts or sweatpants and a t-shirt. The contrast between what I want and would like our relationship to be and what actually I get, coupled with her lack of concern for what it's doing to me (she knows, I've talked/cried/nearly begged for it to change) - it's just f*****g unbearable at this point.

I've been telling her for a while that I'm becoming unglued. What's the point of having a beautiful wife if she jiggles around all sexy at work, but it's all toned down/covered up around me at home? Oh yeah, hey dude, nice Ferrari! Thanks man! But it doesn't have a transmission so it doesn't do anything but just look good. I'm so sick and tired of hearing people tell me blah, blah, your wife is so pretty - she's like a model - blah blah, and feeding her ego and then at some point I get that quick glance from her that says, "See how lucky your are to have me as your cute wife?" Pfffffff___. I see very very little if any of it. Is she cheating? Yes, no, maybe - I can detail more on that some other time I guess.

This past week there has been such an unbearable anger building inside me. For spending so much time with her, for wasting all of this time. We have no kids - she is unable to have them - which has always been fine by me, I thankfully never had the desire. Which turns out to be an incredible benefit for obvious reasons. Coincidentally, she can't have kids because of an STD she contracted very early on in her sexual career (which when dating, she used to almost be dying to tell me about it seems) and it damaged her fallopian tubes. Based on other comments she made years ago, it's almost certain that she had a rather promiscuous past that started considerably earlier than average.

Anyway, after months of telling her I just can't stand this total lack of affection - and I mean it, no hugs or touching of any kind - maybe a peck on the check for goodnight, and sex MAYBE every couple of months. MONTHS! Admittedly partly my fault because she acts like she has no desire whatsoever towards me and I'll me damned if I show any towards her (please understand that all developed slowly, over time). But when *SHE* wants some, holy s**t! :)id you feel the ground just tremble? :)id you see those sparks and blinding flash of light? I mean incredible stuff - I'm not stupid - I know what's real and fake. Any observant male knows what to look for - it's there, it's real. I do not claim to be anything special other than very observant and attentive. What I would give to trade places with her in that "magical moment." Afterwards even I'm saying out loud, ":)amn!" But the afterglow? NOTHING! It's like it never happened. Weeks, usually months go by - not even a text or e-mail saying, "That was NICE!" The normal human desire to do something pleasurable again - that does not apply here. Beautiful wife, an occasional earth shattering moment - and then this vacuous, black hole - soul devouring avoidance. It's just so far beyond my understanding, I just don't get it (and probably never will). And I'm afraid I'm going insane because of it... .

I told her at the end of last week I was sick of spilling my guts and baring my soul to her, amidst my pleas of how I had always envisioned and what I wanted our marriage to be like. Yet nothing changes. I told her this has all been leading to a divorce, I cannot live my life like this anymore - her ignoring the damn near physical pain I tell her I feel from this. Yet, nothing changes - NOTHING. Afterwards - it's like I never spoke a word of how I felt to her.

So along comes Wednesday, last week. Long story, but she comes home late from work after a "training class" (she told me about it beforehand) and is so drunk she has to be driven home by "somebody." Who? At this point I couldn't care less - but I snapped. I didn't totally lose it, but I engaged her and let her know what I had been thinking about us in general and especially this party girl s**t. It's no surprise I was met with all kinds of venom - you know what they say, alcohol just brings out the true, inner you. A real, grade A, category 5 ass in this case. I calmly listened to her as she hammered one nail after another into the coffin of our marriage. The following day, she knew I was beyond pissed - because of a few specific things she said. So she actually, for ONCE, called me from work several times during the day and apologized for "being so mean." Sprinkled in between her half assed apologies, she would inquire "Are you still mad at me?" To which I responded with silence. And she would say, "Oh. I guess so." Then she would change the subject and quickly need to get off the phone.

So Thursday night after work, after an afternoon of her telephone apologies, I decided to push the envelope. I have been researching divorce attorneys recently (with a weak intent of actually being able to go through with it) to help me try to feel like I was getting some control over this train wreck. In the heat of the moment (a continuation of my ongoing description of how she has been avoiding our marriage issues) - I told her that I had finally found the edge - I was going to meet with an attorney the following day, Friday. Which was all bulls**t. But it came out of my mouth in complete frustration. I'm totally aware of setting boundaries BPD's and sticking to them - which I have done to the best of my ability. You do this, and keep doing it, here's what's going to happen - and I MAKE that consequence happen. No idle threats. But up to this point it doesn't seem to matter. So, once I told her of my intententions on Friday, I was met with the, "Ucccchhhhh"... .and she simultaneously stands up, puts both hands in the air and walks away. "This conversation is OVER," Tyler Durden might say. But oh boy... .what now? I can't make a hollow threat.

So, and I hope I convey my genuine honesty here, but I really did think this was funny, and clever. I took a pair of slacks with a belt threaded through the loops, rolled up the sleeves on a dress shirt, and pulled out some dress shoes and tossed them back into the closet. In a way that it was obvious, yet somewhat subtle - as if I had come home and quickly changed out of them but was too stupid to put it all back completely so she wouldn't notice. The dark dress socks in the dirty clothes was the cherry on top. After she came from work, I could tell she didn't notice anything yet. She said she was tired and going to take a quick nap. I had to run to the store, so I promptly left and did everything I could to stay away from home until the last minute. No sooner than I pulled into the garage and shut off the engine, she came out, tears in her eyes and sniffling. That was when I realized my scam had worked! She came over to my door, while I was still sitting down, and asked me multiple times - did you really go to a lawyer today? :)id you? What did you say to them? Why? Bub, bub, blah... .waaaaaaaaa! NOO... .Please don't! But, but, but... ."

-continued-



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