BPD mother; upcoming wedding

[Sigrid12]

Hello, this is my first post on this site.  I've referenced this site for several years now. Recent events led me to create an account. As I type this, my phone is lighting up nonstop with angry, verbose, mean-spirited text messages from my BPD mother. I was fortunate to have gotten some therapy that helped me accept my mother. But my sister got engaged last year. This is my mother's first child to get married. As I have read with other BPD mothers, the wedding is making her BPD worse.

Can anyone offer me suggestions? Or stories? Anything to help me survive these next few months...

Thanks so much.

[GreenGlit]

Hi Sigrid,

Welcome! 

Yes - weddings and big life events can make BPD worse. That was definitely the case with my uBPD mother after my older sister got engaged. I think at the heart of it all, BPDs are terrified of abandonment. Weddings are a celebration of your union to another person (read: an abandonment of their mothers and the "picking" of another life partner). When my sister brought my future BIL home for the first time, my mother was absolutely convinced that he was a closeted homosexual. My BIL is a tall, dark and handsome 6'2" ex-football player who previously dated models. Clearly her assessment was not based on anything that she saw in his behavior. As you can imagine my mom and sister had a tense relationship for many years, and still do, because my sister stood by her husband.

Flash forward 5 years... .now it's my turn. My wedding is in two weeks! I'm thrilled and so happy and absolutely pumped for the big day - but it has been a year in the making of adjusting to my mother being worse than ever. I was her "baby" - the one who was expected to be "mommy's girl." But my relationship with my fiancé and his very "normal" family showed me how dysfunctional mine was. Mom and I had a huge blowout fight about a detail of the wedding, and my mother has been holding the biggest grudge of my life for the past year. I have realized that to my mother, this wedding isn't about me and my future husband - it's all about her and how I am abandoning her and her family. I don't see it that way. I've built my life and I have made different choices than my mother. Certainly I have much more healthy relationships than she ever did - I trust my F, and we have a very happy and fulfilling life together. She can't seem to function in the regular world, and she has been very frustrated she can't pull me back into hers. It has been very difficult on the family, who always yields to her.

To put things into perspective, my uBPD mom took the opportunity to call my therapist in secret and left two voicemails saying how "you need to call me back RIGHT NOW because i have reason to believe my daughter is imminently suicidal." Seriously. My therapist knows me well and had no indication that this was true - I'm not even depressed! It was clearly a ploy to convince her of something about me, or to tell her to convince me I should behave differently. It speaks volumes of my mother that she even considered that move... .she is just extremely ill.

It sounds from your post that the upcoming wedding is not yours. Your sibling will be going through a lot, as you will too, watching it all unfold in front of you. My suggestion would be to avoid contributing to your mother's anger and rage, and to just avoid participating in conversations about the wedding all together. Her behavior may escalate as the day approaches - that has been the case with me. All I can do is ride the wave, avoid talking to her, and when the conversation in any way gets tense, I just end it there. I also have somewhat limited contact with my mother, so it may be different in your case depending on how often you talk to each other.

If you are supportive of your sister, try to keep your mom in check on the big day. Your sister will be very appreciative of that I'm sure. Have you talked to your sister about what she is going through? What are her thoughts on your mom's behavior? I'm keeping my fingers crossed my mother won't make a scene at my wedding. But at this point I know that if she does, my guests will not think any less of me, and will be just mortified for the woman that couldn't be more selfish on her daughter's wedding day.

[Justme1]

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this too. My mom was at her worst during my entire engagement and ultimately chose to not come to the wedding. Additionally, she forbid let my father from coming too. (He was very upset about this, but he's afraid of her.) She told everyone she knew lies about my fiance and spoke extremely poorly about both of us. She begged everyone involved in my wedding to convince me to call it off. It was humiliating. Unfortunately the emotional abuse continued even after we were married and I shortly thereafter cut off communication with her for a year.

That said, I chose to surround myself with my closest friends who were AMAZINGLY supportive. They saw my mom's true colors and rose to the occasion. My wedding day was honestly wonderful because, although it was smaller than it could have been, the people who were there were all happy and showed that they truly cared and were happy for me and my husband. I can honestly say that I was so focused on the events of the day and the people who were there that I wasn't thinking about the fact that my family wasn't. And of course, because my mom wasn't there she wasn't able to cause a scene.

Your sister is going to need you now more than ever. Keep her focused on the wedding and the happiness of her future marriage. This is supposed to be an exciting time for her, so do what you can to help make that happen. You also need to protect yourself, though. It's great that you've found this website! Continue to remind yourself that you're a good person, and that supporting your sister is the right thing to do. Do your best to not let your mom's hurtful words and actions get to you!

Good luck!