Leaving emotions

[Depression = 72% of members]

I feel extreme shame and guilt for having put my kids through this abusive relationship. Did anyone else feel this way? How did you get through it?

[Thenextgirl]

I feel extreme shame and guilt for having put my kids through this abusive relationship. Did anyone else feel this way? How did you get through it?

[once removed]

hey thenextgirl and

i can understand feeling shame and guilt for what your kids went through. since youre on the leaving board, im assuming you have either exited the relationship or are planning to. parents make mistakes, people do not set out to be in an abusive relationship, and i think leaving sends a strong message to your kids that abuse is not to be tolerated.

can you share a bit more of your story with us so we can better understand your situation?

[Thenextgirl]

I've been dating a guy with BPD for a year. He is also a recovering (off and on) addict.  That being said, he has rarely demonstrated any symptoms aside from some pouting or arguing in front of the kids. That changed last night. I left him 24 hours ago. The aggression got out of hand. He is not currently in regular treatment.

[once removed]

i think its a pretty good call to protect both yourself and your kids from an abusive situation. it sounds like this is a volatile situation given its only been 24 hours. how has he reacted to you leaving, and how are you feeling? do you have a place to go?

[Thenextgirl]

I have my own place. He lived a fairly parasitic lifestyle so he is the one displaced.  I'm ok. Taking it day by day. He showed up at my work today. I reiterated that we were unhealthy and it was over. I'm somewhat embarrassed to say I gave him cash so he could go elsewhere... .

[saintgrey]

I have my own place. He lived a fairly parasitic lifestyle so he is the one displaced.  I'm ok. Taking it day by day. He showed up at my work today. I reiterated that we were unhealthy and it was over. I'm somewhat embarrassed to say I gave him cash so he could go elsewhere... .

Hopefully he doesn't come back for more 

[disillusionedandsore]

To answer your question Nextgirl,  yes I felt I 'should' have known better, but in truth I struggled like many do to reconcile his contradictory states. Thinking our problems were a combination of stress,  poor coping skills and repressed anger I put my faith in the counselling process and hoped with work and guidance that our relationship would change and get better.  It went the other way. I was blowing up more at the end because I couldn't deal with the denials,  sabotaging,  lies and almost constant gaslighting.  I felt so bad that my son got hurt because he loved and accepted this man too,  then he was gone... .

Ultimately what helped was realising that I couldn't know what I didn't know,  that somehow my own childhood made me vulnerable in ways I didn't fully understand to staying in this type of relationship,  that it was okay to make mistakes,  doing everything I could think of to be there for my son and bring stabilty back into our lives and having compassion for my naiveté and my struggle

[Thenextgirl]

He keeps coming back. Saying sweet things and proclaiming his love. But if I don't reciprocate within a few hours, he turns and starts spewing vile things for the rest of the day. Each morning, he's sorry again... .

It's really difficult.

[Chrisbazsky77]

 

Truly sorry that you are going through this!

It's crucial that you protect yourself and your kids FIRST.

I didn't have kids but my uBPDxh's actions and behaviour also escalated and became unbearable aswell as dangerous. Enough to make me get a protection order in place.

Have you considered this option for yourself and your kids?

It's incredibly difficult to work through the heart vs head scenario playing out right now. You might also feel that tugging at your heart when he says "sorry". I understand this very well and the last chance given was brutally abused.

In your situation, your bf is on and off his addiction ( I don't have to tell how toxic that is in itself), showing up at your place of work and preying on your vulnerability for finances when it suits him.

Please give yourself some time away from him to try to see things from the outside looking in. It won't be rosy-it will hurt like hell(and that's when you come here to tell us about it) but it will help you see the reality playing out infront of you that your heart doesn't want to see.

Please let keep us posted about your and your kids safety.

[Thenextgirl]

Thank you. I see his pain and I feel so bad, but once I let him back in, even just texts or emails, it ALWAYS ends with verbal abuse. He takes every thing I gave ever told him and uses it against me by throwing them back in my face. It's extremely damaging. I know this. And yet for some reason I allow myself to feel bad for him and want to give him the support he needs. I'm staying in the background this time. I'm pretty sure he will leave me for good because of it.

[Caley]

Nope ... he won't.

He'll play upon your good qualities and use them to get what he wants. And, he'll keep doing this ... .why?  1. Because you let him. Why? 2. Because he hasn't learned to be responsible for himself and looks to you to look after that part of himself that he hasn't learned to master yet.

Someone posted recently ... that out of the blue ... after 6 years ... they came back. He may go radio silent when he's picked up the scent and gunning for the attention of someone else who he suspects might be able to 'fix' him ... but, inevitably ... that'll implode too ... and when he's run out of convenient receptacles to pour his misery into ... he'll be back ... .they always come back.

This is your life and you are not taking care of ... or honouring yourself ... this is what the emotions of anger and frustration are saying to you ... they are NOT saying he is a complete ratbag that'll get better with your love, devotion and patience. It is your Self saying ... you are giving your love to a 'dud' and you have little to no respect for yourself ... it is not his pain you are seeing ... it is yours ... .STOP IT ... let him go ... and believe & let someone who can treat you with the respect and common decency you deserve come into your life.

Think, perhaps, of it this way ... by letting him go ... you are honouring him by allowing him the space to learn from his actions and accept responsibility for them ... and ... to grow upward. There ... that is the loving thing to do. Think of it another way ... by letting him come back ... you are holding him back.

Much love ... you CAN do it ... you are stronger than you can possibly imagine and, in time, you'll come to know it.

[Thenextgirl]

Funny, we've spent months in therapy, he's on a waiting list for specialized therapy. He KNOWS what he does is wrong, and he's getting WORSE. I suspect because he feels me leaving.

I know it's time to mourn what I thought we had, what I thought he was. I just find it so hard to accept. Like a sudden death that I cannot wrap my head around. Does that make sense?  But true. I am not taking care of myself. And that is a direct link to hurting my kids.

This is so hard... .

[Caley]

Yes ... it makes perfect sense.

Time now to take back the love you gave to someone undeserving of it and give it to yourself ... it is hard ... it is ... but you cannot, absolutely cannot, afford not to.

Give yourself a little time to explore what it is that he gives you ... and be very honest with yourself (you don't need to tell anyone ... just acknowledge it within yourself) ... and then ask yourself if the trade is worth it?

Be careful about offloading blame to an undiagnosed disorder ... it can often be a trap and keep you from really looking at YOU. This is as much about you as it is about him ... so don't forget to spend a little time weighing up what it is about your own needs that he meets and the price you are paying for it. And, whether the price is worth it.

Best wishes.

[Thenextgirl]

Thanks. I have been in therapy since before this relationship started. I think acknowleging the WHY is almost harder than acknowledging his behaviour. I know why. I have codependent tendencies, put others before myself always (anything else feel uncomfortable) and a need for perfection that makes me feel shamed by any wrong decision (yes, I know why as well). Knowing why is a big leap from self forgiveness and change. And being able to deal with outside blame and shame. But I'm trying.

As I type this, I guess I have no business being in a relationship. I thought two years of therapy would have meant I could finally be a partner. But I seemed to have just chosen worse than before.

He is diagnosed. But yes, I guess I do keep the focus on him.

Thank you.

[Caley]

No ... you have every right to be in a relationship that provides you with emotional security. A relationship where you both treat the needs of the other as importantly as your own. And it is important not to take from a relationship more than your fair share ... and it helps if we don't impose our own beliefs on our partner ... not telling each other what to do and mindful that we behave in a way that is acceptable to family, friends, our culture, community and spiritual beliefs.

It isn't going to serve your needs to see yourself as not being worthy of a harmonious romantic relationship ... perhaps re-read what you have written ... that you "have no business being in a relationship" ... you take yourself to be unworthy of one when the opposite is true. Perhaps this is why you put up with being mistreated? Perhaps a little contemplation as to why you 'think' you have no business being in a relationship might reveal some answers. I agree ... finding out the answer as to why is harder than trying to work out why he behaves the way he does ... and the 'why' goes unaddressed. Take a look ... you needn't be afraid ... it is self enquiry ... trust yourself for once.