How do you control your anger when painted black?

[Hope26]

How do you all manage to remain calm when you suddenly find yourself the object of anger, sarcasm and scornful remarks?  I have been trying to use the tools and be more compassionate and tolerant of the dysregulations.  But it is so hard sometimes, and I wonder if I am not reverting back to being the nerdy kid in school who got bullied a lot by not standing up for myself with righteous anger, and striking back at the bully.  The desire to do this is fighting hard right now with the logical part of my mind that says to stay calm.  It is just so darn unfair to get picked on for insanely irrational reasons.  i was targeted tonight with verbal abuse, and maybe just need to vent.  It's been awhile.  Thanks for all who may read this and empathize.   It just comes out from nowhere, so unexpectedly, and it causes a type of PTSD, I suppose.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LivingWBPDWife]

Well, depending on the kind of person you are, you can either get angry or frustrated. I rarely get angry, my job puts me under a lot of stress for a lot of years, so I rarely loose my cool. So, my advice is to not get angry, easier said than done, but to instead get frustrated which is really a more accurate way BPDs make us feel -- they are completely irrational and do and say really hurtful things, getting angry is like getting angry at a 12 year old, but frustrated is more productive and can be worked with -- now, what to do with that?

I don't know exactly -- rationalizing with the BPD is a waste of time, usually I simply say something factual and logical and try and get any empathy or sympathy, but never happens.

At that point, I simply leave or do something else -- the simple act of leaving the house, or room does help. Of course, I spend my life driving around and wasting time.

[Chasingmiracles]

First, your own emotional health is paramount. It can be easy to doubt yourself when someone is adamant that you are causing them pain or have done something terrible to them. Recognizing that most of the time it's simply not true makes a huge difference for me. I have stated that to my husband, something like "I know you are upset but this is not about me" or "I love you but I can't take responsibility for how you are feeling". These are mostly about keeping my own sanity, and reminding myself that is ISN'T me causing a problem and his pain is NOT ABOUT me. The hardest times are also when he is nearing the end of an eruption. He will go into a kind of avalanche of accusations and character assassination attempts... .oddly enough it's usually how I know he's winding down. None of what he's saying is valid and he's just blowing out the leftover steam. Sometimes, I will say "What you are saying is very hurtful" with maybe "these things are not true" or some other statement of fact.

My husband and I spend a lot of time talking about what happens with him, how he feels now, things which have happened in his past and how he felt growing up. He's open to learning because he is tired of the pain. Seeing the pain as real helps me to respond to him compassionately and not internalize the things he says, but truly, there's no substitute for a good healthy self-esteem and just plain taking care of myself.

Good Luck!

[waverider]

The most important thing is to recognize when anger is building. Accept this is a normal emotion and then actively do something to avoid it being blurted out in a way that has a negative impact you will regret.

In short, don't deny it, channel it, take it elsewhere before you lose control of it. Everyones ability to channel it is different, the trick is to know your own limits and don't try to be a martyr.

[Hope26]

Thanks to all of you who responded.  Most of the time life is easier now, but there is still that occasional attack from out of the blue.  My response these days is mostly to attempt to ignore it, to not fight back and just wait until his dark mood passes.  But I do get angry about the childish and hurtful accusations.  And even the rational, logical part of my mind sometimes questions whether I am allowing a bully to continue to be one by not standing up for myself somehow at these times.  I did leave the room when the incident occurred Sunday night, went to bed and eventually slept.  The next morning I resumed normal communication with him and he responded, but remained grouchy all morning.  By afternoon he was more or less back to 'normal' and in a less dark mood.  It just makes me so mad that there is almost never an apology or recognition of bad behavior.  And again, I question if my letting him 'get away with it' is the right response.  At least it does shorten the episodes and is easier on my health.  As you said, Chasingmiracles, our own emotional health is paramount.  Waverider, I think my method of 'taking it somewhere else' is by being able to post on this board and vent to all of you understanding folks.  Living WBPDWife, I agree that leaving and doing something else is helpful too.

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Set up fun things to destroy around the house.  When anger issues personally arose in my own life I was literally tearing apart expensive things by accident.  Realized if i ever was going to control my anger it was not going to happen over night.  So I bought tons of glass plate, cups from the dollar store, and kept them around for when I felt the slightest anger, and would throw them out the window, then i started other more constructive activity that involved letting out energy in a competitive way, basket ball, tennis, running.   Then eventually used thraphy and meditation.   Give it a try,  go to the dollar store and get a dozen plates and cup.  when she gets a little abusive say, excuse me honey,  then just start throwing them out the window.  give it try.  she probably will notice and give you a hand.  it displacement of anger.  kinda what your partner is doing to you,  she feels safe to vent her anger at you.  You guys if you can learn a way to displace your anger, then when things calm down you can talk.   My ex would wave a knife at me,  then after 4 hours or so, would be cuddling in my arms telling me she doesn't know why she does that.  Trust me, I could of grabbed a blanket, wrapped around her and wrestled the knife out of her hands.  I knew something was bothering her and it was the only way she knew how to deal with it.  I know its crazy.  I decided to be with her so why be angry, for staying.  You can always leave. 

[Fian]

My advice is that if he is speaking to you in a mean, disrespectful, or hostile manner, it is best to just leave the room.  That is how you can stand up for yourself by not tolerating his behavior.  If you have an issue that he thinks needs to be discussed, he will have to discuss it on your terms (i.e. not the behaviors listed above).

[ColdEthyl]

It's easier said than done, I still find myself JADEing because I get frustrated and tired of not being heard. Honestly, that's not his problem, it's mine. I knew what I was getting into. So it's up to me to not take the bait.

I'm working on trying to sit outside, maybe. I've tried to leave the room but I'm always so piping mad I just go right back into the ring like I got a chance to win. He has shamed me for leaving in the car for 10 minutes because I have 2 children from a previous marriage, and "what mother would leave her children alone at any time of the day with someone like me in this state." ... .he has a point.

I might try that plate/cup thing, but if I do that in the backyard, the dogs might step on glass.

I'd love to hear any suggestions at all. I get so angry with myself for losing my temper when I know darn well and good all that will happen is I make it worse. But sometimes when he triggers me... .I react first and think later. At those times when it's that critical... .I seriously do not even care how he feels at the time.  10 minutes after, though, I feel like utter garbage and a failure for not being able to keep it together.

[waverider]

When things get ugly address the attitude not the issue. By arguing the issue in an attempt to set the record straight is how we are drawn into escalation, invariably leaving us to feel worse.

Stop engaging the issue and put up a boundary about the attitude and behavior.

eg

" I'n not discussing anything whilst voices are being raised'

" I am not staying in the presence of anyone who is deliberatly ignoring me'

As opposed to arguing about leaving the toilet seat up/who left the dishes out/why you wont help around the house.