Decisions...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So, got married young at 19 to a girl with BPD (neither of us knew what it was at the time) along with depression and bi-polar.  For years our marriage had its ups and down.  She progressively became depressed and had issues functionaing at points.  It seemed she was always trying things to find happiness-religion, hobbies, friends, more money, etc...

Long story short after 16 years of marriage (3 years ago) she started talking to an old boyfriend from High School 3 years ago.  I obviously did support this but fought tooth and nail saying she was not cheating.  Nonetheless, it led to her moving him from out of state to our town and us seperating.  So their relationship lasted a year-he was abusive, unemployed, and well... .a dick.

During this time she finally got medicated and therapy (the therapist helps but she seems young and inexperianced with BPD).  Lots of drama and expressing a want to be with me but feeling trapped with him.

At this time I was willing to take her back and we discussed it, but then she entered a relationship with another guy, who she met online and who she also moved into her house from out of state.  She said they were soul mates and we essentially parted ways amicably.

I had already filed for divorce and was working to finalize it when it was found she had breat cancer.  So I with drew the divorce so she could stay on my insurance while she received treatment.

So for the last year shes been happy with him and I've been getting over her and moving on.  We have 3 kids (ages 18, 14, 6) and have co-parented well since then. All seemed well and she expressed how her and her new guy are not working out.

2 months ago I met a great woman who  have fallen for.  We have been dating and everything is going great.  My daughters love her and are happy I am finally moving on.

About a month ago I told my ex I had met someone and she wished me luck.  Then a few weeks back she said her boyfriend is moving and we need to date again.  I said no, I am happy.  She said ok and I deserve to be happy.

After that the flood gates opened.  Every few days I get a stream of texts from her telling me her friends said she needs to fight for me and I need to dump my girlfriend and work on our relationship.  Also things like:  our kids deserve to have their parents together, I helped cause her condition by being codependant and made her worse by 'being abusive' (I have never abused her but in her mind I have mentally by making her feel crazy), she has gotten better (she has but a long way to go) and knows how to make me happy, and even said she would take my youngest daughter and move away and it would be my fault.

With all that said, I've spent a long time with her.  We grew up together and do have a bond.  I dont think I could trust her or be happy if we got together.  I am happy with my new gal.

So, am I wrong to be closing that door?  Do I owe my ex another chance?  Am I just something familiar and the breadwinner and she is just going to what is easy for her?

I know If I say no and finalize the divorce, then world war 3 will go down... . 

[GavWooks]

So, got married young at 19 to a girl with BPD (neither of us knew what it was at the time) along with depression and bi-polar.  For years our marriage had its ups and down.  She progressively became depressed and had issues functionaing at points.  It seemed she was always trying things to find happiness-religion, hobbies, friends, more money, etc...

Long story short after 16 years of marriage (3 years ago) she started talking to an old boyfriend from High School 3 years ago.  I obviously did support this but fought tooth and nail saying she was not cheating.  Nonetheless, it led to her moving him from out of state to our town and us seperating.  So their relationship lasted a year-he was abusive, unemployed, and well... .a dick.

During this time she finally got medicated and therapy (the therapist helps but she seems young and inexperianced with BPD).  Lots of drama and expressing a want to be with me but feeling trapped with him.

At this time I was willing to take her back and we discussed it, but then she entered a relationship with another guy, who she met online and who she also moved into her house from out of state.  She said they were soul mates and we essentially parted ways amicably.

I had already filed for divorce and was working to finalize it when it was found she had breat cancer.  So I with drew the divorce so she could stay on my insurance while she received treatment.

So for the last year shes been happy with him and I've been getting over her and moving on.  We have 3 kids (ages 18, 14, 6) and have co-parented well since then. All seemed well and she expressed how her and her new guy are not working out.

2 months ago I met a great woman who  have fallen for.  We have been dating and everything is going great.  My daughters love her and are happy I am finally moving on.

About a month ago I told my ex I had met someone and she wished me luck.  Then a few weeks back she said her boyfriend is moving and we need to date again.  I said no, I am happy.  She said ok and I deserve to be happy.

After that the flood gates opened.  Every few days I get a stream of texts from her telling me her friends said she needs to fight for me and I need to dump my girlfriend and work on our relationship.  Also things like:  our kids deserve to have their parents together, I helped cause her condition by being codependant and made her worse by 'being abusive' (I have never abused her but in her mind I have mentally by making her feel crazy), she has gotten better (she has but a long way to go) and knows how to make me happy, and even said she would take my youngest daughter and move away and it would be my fault.

With all that said, I've spent a long time with her.  We grew up together and do have a bond.  I dont think I could trust her or be happy if we got together.  I am happy with my new gal.

So, am I wrong to be closing that door?  Do I owe my ex another chance?  Am I just something familiar and the breadwinner and she is just going to what is easy for her?

I know If I say no and finalize the divorce, then world war 3 will go down... . 

[unicorn2014]

Let me get this straight, are you still married yet dating another woman? I wanted to make sure I had the facts clear. Thank you.

[LostGhost]

I believe from his story, he and his wife have been separated for some time because she left him for someone else.

I would warn you to think carefully on getting back together with her. If you've found someone who you have found mutual happiness with, it would be a terrible thing to sacrifice to go back into the arena of uncertainty and instability. Not to mention, your ex could be using this as a control tactic. Many people here have been manipulated into leaving their current relationships to get back together with their BPD ex, only their ex doesn't uphold their end of the deal once you commit to them so you end up losing both relationships.

You don't owe your ex anything. You owe it to yourself to make a decision that supports a foundation of happiness in your future. There are no easy options here, whatever your decision ends up being. Weigh the pros and cons carefully.