Is this BPD?

[Fernando2826]

My ex and I broke up last year after a ridiculously intense relationship, albeit a relatively short one (my first). I loved her more than anything and felt emotions I had never experienced previously. We ended up going away to college, agreeing to make it work. After a week she had gone quiet text wise, then I visited after two. She sat in front of me the entire time messaging another guy, showing almost no interest in me and it turns out that she had got together with him the night before (the night I was actually supposed to be visiting). During our time together she had called me "soulmate", had spoken of our future and our children and had apparently written such things in her diary (I didn't read it), so I believe she believed it... .

Following the advice of coach Corey Wayne, I avoided showing weakness during the break up and simply left it at, "if you change your mind, you know where I am", although we are 4 hours away from one another now. She contacted me occasionally over the next few months and I briefly responded so as not to seem bitter (she knew I had seen her messages). After a few months of seeing the guy she had left me for, she said that she missed me etc. I told her that I wanted to avoid contact as it was hurting me and removed her from social media, which she said had really hurt her.

A few months later, she found out that I had had a car accident and immediately called me to ask how I was. I didn't pick up but eventually responded to a text. We ended up chatting over the next few days and then met up over Easter. It was fairly awkward but acceptable.

I then didn't hear from her for months.

Recently she messaged me out of the blue and asked to go for a drive. I found her to be hugely apologetic for no apparent reason. She explained how much I had meant to her, but that going away to uni had distracted and changed her priorities, that she had got absorbed by it and ignored her obligation to me due to insecurity and desiring male attention. OK.

We slept together that night, and the over the next few days she messaged me consistently, her saying it felt like old times. She said 'for heaven's sake this is confusing' and 'I'm not sure how to feel/think', 'I can't believe what happened' etc. Strangely, on the night, she said she had been seeing a guy for about 6 months, but they had called it quits over summer. She still called him a potential, but then said she wasn't sure she wanted a relationship with anyone. I know that she was seeing him when she saw me over Easter and has been messaging him constantly over the Summer. After her few days of confused messaging she then stopped and invited him to visit her over the weekend. She called what had happened 'extreme nostalgia' and said 'i don't want to get back into a relationship'.

[gameover]

Hey Fernando,

Sorry for what you're going through bud.  Break ups are tough--especially the first big one.  Based on what you've written, I'd be hesitant to label your ex as BPD.  Honestly, it just sounds like the fallout of young love.  Now I'm not discounting young love; it is a very real and very powerful experience--but I'm going to venture to say that you'll find yourself in relationships over the next few years that will make this one a fond, almost comical, memory of first love (though you might not believe me now  ).  BTW I'm 23, so I'm not some old timer that doesn't remember what it's like.

But this type of narrative is extremely common at your age--especially as couples go off to separate schools.  The relationship that survives this transition is an extreme statistical anomaly.  And your ex's behavior is par for the course for girls in her age group--indicative of emotional immaturity and lack of experience but probably not BPD.

Break ups are hard.  Point blank period.  You're doing great to seek guidance from people like Corey Wayne--self improvement is the best way to cope with any break up.  That said, if you really put in work now if you ever do come across a girl with BPD you'll be in much better shape to take care of yourself than most of us were.

Good luck brother!

[enlighten me]

Hi Fernando

Whether she has BPD or not doesn't really matter. What matters is if you want to be with someone that treats you like she did.

[gameover]

Also another word of advice:  Whatever happens, don't let this experience make you bitter towards women.  Absolute worst thing you can do--I went through some things with a girl at 19 that I allowed to really poison my mindset towards women which caused me all kinds of trouble and pain over the next few years and a lot of situations I regret--and probably set me up to find myself involved in a toxic relationship later on.

[Fernando2826]

Thanks for your replies all. Everyone here seems incredibly helpful and sincere 

I'm inclined to agree that it's not BPD, just so many suggestive factors - promiscuous girl, bullimia, drugs etc.

I'm trying to not allow the experience to poison me - problem is I can't seem to get past her, thinking of her a lot still.

I'm glad to hear that someone has said this was poor conduct - numerous people have just brushed it aside, saying it was just immaturity and these things happen at uni. But it was the transition from everything to nothing... .I suppose the reason people defend her is that she probably didn't actually sleep with the guy she cheated on me with, just ended up in bed with him.

[gameover]

I'm inclined to agree that it's not BPD, just so many suggestive factors - promiscuous girl, bullimia, drugs etc.

You didn't mention those things.  In the future be very, very mindful of getting romantically involved with girls with those types of issues.  Major    , though not necessarily BPD.  Work on figuring out what about those qualities made her attractive for you.  :)id she add excitement to your life?  :)id you want to fix her?  etc.  

I always had a thing for 'bad girls' because deep down I was terrified of commitment and real intimacy and knew that eventually these girls would always give me an exit.

I'm trying to not allow the experience to poison me - problem is I can't seem to get past her, thinking of her a lot still.

That's totally natural.  Give it time and keep yourself busy.  

I'm glad to hear that someone has said this was poor conduct - numerous people have just brushed it aside, saying it was just immaturity and these things happen at uni. But it was the transition from everything to nothing... .I suppose the reason people defend her is that she probably didn't actually sleep with the guy she cheated on me with, just ended up in bed with him.

I'm all for giving people the benefit of the doubt.  But, for me personally, that is not something that I would put up with--and there are tons of girls out there who would never put you in a position that would give you that much reason to question their fidelity.  In your case, I'd stick to NC.  In a year or two, you'll probably be in a position where you could meet with her as old friends--if you're even interested in being friends with her at that point.

It sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders though and you're dealing with this the right way.

[Invictus01]

Whatever it is, man, you simply need to remove yourself from this situation. It's not as if it isn't BPD, this kind of stuff becomes totally acceptable. No matter how you look at it, it is not. She is using you for whatever it is she needs at the time and then leaves. And then repeats this cycle. People who really care about you won't do this kind of stuff. And it is ok to walk away from those who don't care about you.