Do you think my child has BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

My husband and I congratulated ourselves one day that our daughter seemed to have sifted out the best from both of us. Year 11 saw her  achieved senior prefect . Great GCSE results and looking forward to college and university. All good. She had an evening job at a local pub before progressing to a better paid job at B&Q. We were so proud of our daughter that we bought her a car for her 17th birthday because we felt she deserved it. 6th form college saw her ditch her school friends and long term boyfriend for the arty, druggy set. She passed her driving test, (which I would have put money on her failing), and I remember saying, 'just drive round the block on your own and come home and I'll see you after work and you can take Dad and me out'. At 3 am I was out looking for her and found her with a boy in the car... .not savoury. From then on she lost her job, various bangs to the car and did badly in A levels but determined to go to uni picked a bad course, refused halls in preference of shared house and got into a bad crowd in a bad area of london. One day she phoned me in a crisis... .she couldn't sleep and was panicking. I recommended coming home which she did. It was decided that she would re take A levels to get back to where she should have been and apply for a uni coarse of her choice at a better uni. This happened but with a lot of angst... .bad boyfriend who abused her mentally, disregard for her family, drugs and a new thing... .she couldn't remember being a child and was disinterested in family members. We all started to walk on egg shells around her for fear of making her angry. My mother stopped visiting because she said the atmosphere was bad and she never new when my daughter would be normal. So off to proper uni she went... .this time in halls although she insisted on driving herself... .crashed on the way. I pretended that all things were normal... .she did two years before being busted for drugs at Summer Solstice... .she was let off. We did not know this would happen so she took a year off from uni in case she had to do some kind of sentence. I have watched her closely this year as she was living at home. She seems fine then about every 3 weeks she would have a crisis. Crashed in to bollards at Asda, (no drugs, sober), Crashed into car at roundabout, A&E found in road after being knocked off bike, deliberately driving into post, (suicide attempt). Many attempts to get treatment for mental disorders... .it takes so long/ she sounds so sane/she buggers off so can't make appointments. Now back at uni, sharing house with folk she knows well. Crisis... .housemate phones me that she is unwell and unstable... .they have avoided her being hospitalized over the bank holiday by looking after her. They ask me to attend a doctors appointment they have made for her. I attend, it is emotional but not a lot I can do... .she won't come home and housemates realise the responsibility they have and feel they are not equipped to deal with it. Doctor has referred her case to various help places but daughter thinks nothing is wrong and everyone is over-reacting. So at the moment she is being medicated to sleep/probably taking drugs/often has suicidal thoughts/surrounded by friends who feel she is a burden and feels it is none of my business although wants money. We have been advised not to give her money as she may buy drugs. My daughter is so clever at persuading anybody. My biggest fear is that her current, lovely, brilliant friends will eventually feel they can't help her, (which is true, she has to help herself), and move out of the house... .she will then be at the mercy of the unscrupulous. What can I do to help her and myself as I feel her suicide is hovering over me.

   

[Ella Bella]

My husband and I congratulated ourselves one day that our daughter seemed to have sifted out the best from both of us. Year 11 saw her  achieved senior prefect . Great GCSE results and looking forward to college and university. All good. She had an evening job at a local pub before progressing to a better paid job at B&Q. We were so proud of our daughter that we bought her a car for her 17th birthday because we felt she deserved it. 6th form college saw her ditch her school friends and long term boyfriend for the arty, druggy set. She passed her driving test, (which I would have put money on her failing), and I remember saying, 'just drive round the block on your own and come home and I'll see you after work and you can take Dad and me out'. At 3 am I was out looking for her and found her with a boy in the car... .not savoury. From then on she lost her job, various bangs to the car and did badly in A levels but determined to go to uni picked a bad course, refused halls in preference of shared house and got into a bad crowd in a bad area of london. One day she phoned me in a crisis... .she couldn't sleep and was panicking. I recommended coming home which she did. It was decided that she would re take A levels to get back to where she should have been and apply for a uni coarse of her choice at a better uni. This happened but with a lot of angst... .bad boyfriend who abused her mentally, disregard for her family, drugs and a new thing... .she couldn't remember being a child and was disinterested in family members. We all started to walk on egg shells around her for fear of making her angry. My mother stopped visiting because she said the atmosphere was bad and she never new when my daughter would be normal. So off to proper uni she went... .this time in halls although she insisted on driving herself... .crashed on the way. I pretended that all things were normal... .she did two years before being busted for drugs at Summer Solstice... .she was let off. We did not know this would happen so she took a year off from uni in case she had to do some kind of sentence. I have watched her closely this year as she was living at home. She seems fine then about every 3 weeks she would have a crisis. Crashed in to bollards at Asda, (no drugs, sober), Crashed into car at roundabout, A&E found in road after being knocked off bike, deliberately driving into post, (suicide attempt). Many attempts to get treatment for mental disorders... .it takes so long/ she sounds so sane/she buggers off so can't make appointments. Now back at uni, sharing house with folk she knows well. Crisis... .housemate phones me that she is unwell and unstable... .they have avoided her being hospitalized over the bank holiday by looking after her. They ask me to attend a doctors appointment they have made for her. I attend, it is emotional but not a lot I can do... .she won't come home and housemates realise the responsibility they have and feel they are not equipped to deal with it. Doctor has referred her case to various help places but daughter thinks nothing is wrong and everyone is over-reacting. So at the moment she is being medicated to sleep/probably taking drugs/often has suicidal thoughts/surrounded by friends who feel she is a burden and feels it is none of my business although wants money. We have been advised not to give her money as she may buy drugs. My daughter is so clever at persuading anybody. My biggest fear is that her current, lovely, brilliant friends will eventually feel they can't help her, (which is true, she has to help herself), and move out of the house... .she will then be at the mercy of the unscrupulous. What can I do to help her and myself as I feel her suicide is hovering over me.

   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hello Ella Bella,

Welcome to the Parenting Board.

We are not professionals and don't know your daughter so we cannot discern whether she has the disorder or not, as her parent and one who lives with her and knows her history you may be able to reasonably ascertain if she suffers from the traits of the disorder.  Have you looked at this information:  BPD What is it?  How Can I Tell?

The disorder is often comorbid with depression and substance abuse.  The best course of action is to seek the assistance of a psychiatrist and therapist who can make an evaluation and set up testing for your daughter.  With her suicidal tendencies time is important.  Has she had any psychological evaluations in the past?  If so, what were the results? Was she diagnosed with a sleep disorder?  If she has an established cycle of highs and lows was Bi Polar mentioned?

Learning to cope with your daughter's destructive behaviors is important, we  must take care of ourselves if we are going to be a source of support for our troubled children.  Knowledge is empowering for us so I encourage you to read the info in the side bar, Tools and The Lessons.  Having a safety plan in place to enact should a crisis arise can help alleviate some of the fear we experience.  Here is a link to some info on Helping Someone With Suicidal Thoughts in our Safety First Protocol. 

I'm interested in your thoughts on the links and suggestions I mention here and look forward to your reply.

lbjnltx