Talking to mutual friends about the break-up

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So what do/did you tell mutual friends about your break up?  My BPDexgf and I worked together for a couple years and share a lot of mutual friends.  A lot of people looked at us as the perfect couple--got complimented everywhere we'd go, people would comment on how much in love we were.  The people at work always talked about how they wish they could find a relationship like ours, etc.

The past 2 months since the break up I've hung out with a couple of our mutual friends once or twice--but I've mostly kept my distance.  They're more her friends than mine--at least she's known them longer and still works there; and our workplace was her only real social network.  

But she's moving a couple thousand mile away in 3 days and I'm planning to reconnect with my friends there.  Still, when people ask about the break up I never really know what to tell them.  Like I'll have the urge to tell them that things got a little crazy, but I don't want to drag her through the mud or devalue the way I felt about our relationship.  In fact, I don't even feel comfortable telling my own family about how things went down.  They all liked her and there's no reason for them to think anything less of her just because our relationship didn't work out.

But it sucks that there's no one to confide in.  Besides the folks at bpdfamily, the only person I've told the 'real story' to is my best friend who lives 300 miles away.  Ugh, just venting I guess.  But what did y'all tell those close to you about the relationship?  Who did you choose to tell?  What were their reactions?  Etc.

[gameover]

So what do/did you tell mutual friends about your break up?  My BPDexgf and I worked together for a couple years and share a lot of mutual friends.  A lot of people looked at us as the perfect couple--got complimented everywhere we'd go, people would comment on how much in love we were.  The people at work always talked about how they wish they could find a relationship like ours, etc.

The past 2 months since the break up I've hung out with a couple of our mutual friends once or twice--but I've mostly kept my distance.  They're more her friends than mine--at least she's known them longer and still works there; and our workplace was her only real social network.  

But she's moving a couple thousand mile away in 3 days and I'm planning to reconnect with my friends there.  Still, when people ask about the break up I never really know what to tell them.  Like I'll have the urge to tell them that things got a little crazy, but I don't want to drag her through the mud or devalue the way I felt about our relationship.  In fact, I don't even feel comfortable telling my own family about how things went down.  They all liked her and there's no reason for them to think anything less of her just because our relationship didn't work out.

But it sucks that there's no one to confide in.  Besides the folks at bpdfamily, the only person I've told the 'real story' to is my best friend who lives 300 miles away.  Ugh, just venting I guess.  But what did y'all tell those close to you about the relationship?  Who did you choose to tell?  What were their reactions?  Etc.

[SGraham]

I haven't gotten the chance to talk to mutual friends, they have all alienated the shyt out of  me. But yeah i do agree with you, at times it feels like you guys are the only people who will really get it. Anyways best wishes.

[rotiroti]

Hey gameover,

It's really a shame that friends get mixed up in the aftermath of a breakup - it's already hard enough to be friends with both parties when two emotionally mature people are involved, but ultimately friends will have to take sides.

I had a similar dilemma since having known my ex for almost a decade. It was really difficult when one of our mutual friends congratulated me for the engagement 2 months after the b/u (and n/c). Maybe the ex was trying to reach me or perhaps she really didn't know. I really wanted to let her know what went down, but instead calmly told her that we both decided it was best we part ways. The friend was totally cool about it and then invited me to go hiking.

I think I really liked that interaction. There would've been zero benefit if I had gone into detail and worse if any of it went back to the ex.

also there's the friendly ears on this site

[gameover]

Thanks guys.

Yeah, the less I say about it the better probably.  As much as it seems like it'd be a relief to have my side of the experience validated--there'd be no way to do it without invalidating their perception of her.  Plus I doubt they'd really be able to understand anyway.  Not worth it. 

[rotiroti]

Exactly, especially if dealing with a HFBPD... .

We're definitely here to hear you out and know what you've been through!

Have you also considered going to a T? I never mentioned BPD during my sessions, but it was extremely cathartic to talk to someone about my experience... .

I think aside from a professional, the only people to provide validation would be ones who have gone through the BPD-wringer themselves.

[gameover]

I've thought about a therapist--but in the past (in my limited experience) they've made me really uncomfortable.  Though at this point I've kinda reached the conclusion that uncomfortable is good 

[rotiroti]

I've thought about a therapist--but in the past (in my limited experience) they've made me really uncomfortable.  Though at this point I've kinda reached the conclusion that uncomfortable is good 

hahah well at the end of the day, they're people too. It's completely fine to shop around and find one that works for you.

I think I was uncomfortable myself at first. I was afraid that if I'm free to talk about anything, I might come off as unhinged or out-there... .but you know what? You're right about being outside of our comfort zone. It lead to finding a T who's really awesome and creates a comfortable and safe place for me

[enlighten me]

I saw a mutual friend. My exgfs best friends husband. We didn't talk about the break up but he did ask me if I thought we would ever get back together. I was still quite sore at this time and I said "not a chance. Ive found out too much since we split up". Luckily he said "oh. Well I don't want to know about that then". Im glad he said it. If he hadn't though I would have probably spouted every sorry detail out to him and left him in a very uncomfortable place.

Its a fine line between wanting to talk about it and venting. We feel the injustice and want others to see it. I know that if my friend had pushed it I would have been venting and seeking justice for the wrongs. I could have come across as the crazy one. I could have been seen as whatever my ex had portrayed me as. In the end I didn't compromise my relationship with him and the more dealings with mu ex he has the more he will see her for what she is and be able to make up his own mind.

[apollotech]

But what did y'all tell those close to you about the relationship?  Who did you choose to tell?  What were their reactions?  Etc.

Hi GO,

I understand your position. My BPDexgf and I have many mutual friends which go all the way back to childhood. She was one of my best friends in HS, everyone knows that. So, when I abruptly walked away from the relationship everyone was surprised, to say the least. But these people don't know the woman that I know. I didn't know her until we became romantically involved.

I have never been one to talk about my personal business with others; in this case, I became even more private. Not one of our mutual friends knows my story of what happened, with the exception of one. This friend knows my story in its entirety.

If I told everyone, our mutual friends, my side of what happened it would wreck my BPDexgf's reputation/life within our group. I'd never do that. She can't smear me with these people; they'd call her out on it, so I'm safe. So, besides the one friend that knows everything, the remainder have just been told by me that we tried, it just didn't work out. That's my go to explanation.

In three years I plan to move back home where all of these people live, including my BPDexgf, whom I will be in personal contact with. At that point, unless something changes between now and then, I will  have to re-establish at least a working acquaintanceship with her. I'd like to restore our once friendship, but I haven't figured out how to accomplish that nor have I seen/read of an example of how to do that.

[AlonelyOne]

I haven't gotten the chance to talk to mutual friends, they have all alienated the shyt out of  me. But yeah i do agree with you, at times it feels like you guys are the only people who will really get it. Anyways best wishes.

Being male, ^ above situation was pretty much the case with me. Almost all of the few connections I had which hadn't moved away in recent years, essentially shut me out... .for being male (yes, I was even told this).

[rotiroti]

Hey Apollo,

Wow, that's certainly a long time to have known someone! It's a shame that friendship is more difficult (dare I say impossible) when it comes to an BPDex?

I think if you can hedge your expectations, you should continue on some sort of friendship. It would be like dating an BPD though, I would assume it would be one sided, but it could be fulfill something

[Sunfl0wer]

I'm glad you brought this up Gameover.  This has been a tricky area for me.

I feel a sense of loss or emptiness, I'm not exactly sure what it is tho... .just over the fact that I feel that I cannot fully share my r/s story with anyone.

I can share bits and pieces, yet, this partial truth kinda bothers me.  I wish I could just freely share... .The way other people share regarding the loss of their r/s.

I have one friend that I confided in who knows the whole truth... .that is it. 

I have tried attempting to share with a few other good friends and family who invited me to do so.  I soon realized that they just were not able to really process what I was sharing and got a bit overwhelmed faster than I could share it.

I have got discouraged enough times from the look of overwhem-ness wash over a person's face, that I have pretty much resigned myself to the reality that my story is too much for them to manage.  Rather than burden them, and myself in the frustration of trying to communicate things... .  I have accepted that it is often best that I only share a simple clear truth about it... .and best to just reiterate some simple script, but offer more if they seem interested.

I also often fear judgement to explain what I went through... .  It is hard to convey all this knowledge that I now also know from BPDF... .and to hear what our r/s was like at time is crazy... .And makes me appear crazy as well... .and is a hard balance to convey.

[SGraham]

I haven't gotten the chance to talk to mutual friends, they have all alienated the shyt out of  me. But yeah i do agree with you, at times it feels like you guys are the only people who will really get it. Anyways best wishes.

Being male, ^ above situation was pretty much the case with me. Almost all of the few connections I had which hadn't moved away in recent years, essentially shut me out... .for being male (yes, I was even told this).

Yeah i feel you man. I agree that it is easier to shut guys out, i think that there is a societal perception that guys just deal with it.

[apollotech]

Hey Apollo,

Wow, that's certainly a long time to have known someone! It's a shame that friendship is more difficult (dare I say impossible) when it comes to an BPDex?

I think if you can hedge your expectations, you should continue on some sort of friendship. It would be like dating an BPD though, I would assume it would be one sided, but it could be fulfill something

Hi rotiroti,

No, I don't believe that what we could re-establish would resemble a friendship, at least not by my standards. I think at best I'd be used as an emotional caretaker and the relationship would be terribly one-sided. I'm not interested in that scenario; that's why I called it a working acquaintanceship rather than a friendship.