Validation helps discovery

[SurfNTurf]

I don't know if anyone on this forum has had this experience, so I thought I would share and ask:

Since learning/doing the validation with my uBPDhusb, it has caused him to expand on topics, then I ask questions. Not a lot of questions, it would make him wonder what I am up to - which is nothing more than interested fact finding.  Anyway, in the past four weeks, I have learned (1) my husband's mother (deceased, I had only met her a couple times, years ago) was a diagnosed BPD, prone to rages. (2) My husb thinks my co-worker needs to "get better control of his wife." (!)

I had no idea validation would lead to more learning about the pwBPD... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[unicorn2014]

I don't know if anyone on this forum has had this experience, so I thought I would share and ask:

Since learning/doing the validation with my uBPDhusb, it has caused him to expand on topics, then I ask questions. Not a lot of questions, it would make him wonder what I am up to - which is nothing more than interested fact finding.  Anyway, in the past four weeks, I have learned (1) my husband's mother (deceased, I had only met her a couple times, years ago) was a diagnosed BPD, prone to rages. (2) My husb thinks my co-worker needs to "get better control of his wife." (!)

I had no idea validation would lead to more learning about the pwBPD... .

Don't you find it annoying that you have to validate the person in order for them to talk? Don't you wish they would just talk because that is what people do?

[an0ught]

Hi SurfNTurf,

I had no idea validation would lead to more learning about the pwBPD... .

validation is a connecting skill. It is all about paying attention and active listening. Let's rephrase the sentence:

"I had no idea active and careful listening would lead to more learning about the pwBPD... ."

and while that sentence sounds ridiculous it really goes to one of the causes of the escalating trouble of our relationships. Over time we became deaf. And understandably so - there is a lot of conflict, aggression and plain nonsense. It is natural to tune out. It seems easier *not* to listen to the out-sized, constant and hard to understand pain of our partner. There were understandable reasons we stopped listening. But then one of the reasons why things now are escalating is that we stopped listening.

Keep (active) listening and learning 

[SurfNTurf]

thank you anOught, I like the rephrasing.  just reframing the idea makes it make more sense.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, and wouldn't it be nice if it could become a two way street? I'd love for BPDh to do some active listening or validate me, just once. I don't even find validating him to really work. He just doesn't seem to care what I think of him, and it actually seems to annoy him.

I'm glad it's working for you though, and that it's giving you insight to your husband. I'd love for that to happen. When I validate, BPDh just clams up even more.

[CrazyChuck]

Yes, and wouldn't it be nice if it could become a two way street? I'd love for BPDh to do some active listening or validate me, just once. I don't even find validating him to really work. He just doesn't seem to care what I think of him, and it actually seems to annoy him.

I'm glad it's working for you though, and that it's giving you insight to your husband. I'd love for that to happen. When I validate, BPDh just clams up even more.

That is what I have found. Anything you say can and will be used against you. There is really no use in having discussions.

[unicorn2014]

Yes, and wouldn't it be nice if it could become a two way street? I'd love for BPDh to do some active listening or validate me, just once. I don't even find validating him to really work. He just doesn't seem to care what I think of him, and it actually seems to annoy him.

I'm glad it's working for you though, and that it's giving you insight to your husband. I'd love for that to happen. When I validate, BPDh just clams up even more.

I learned over on my forgiveness thread that actually what I need to do is validate myself. I didn't know that I wanted my pwBPD to validate me and after discussing the issue of forgiveness with others on the board I realized I did. Also, he's not going to be able to give me the kind of validation I need because he's still going through the situation that's making me angry, through no fault of his own.