Depression

[disorderedsociety]

I'm not sure where exactly I'm at in the detachment process, but things have been easier and I've been more present in everyday situations. I left about 10 1/2 months ago, NC since March. Saw her in January. Anyway, its hard to believe its been this long. I still ruminate about her and the guy she's with now and her 2nd child being on the way. I don't know why this whole thing has dragged out so long, but rushing it and trying to make things happen in my life seems to set me back further. I'm done trying to micro-manage the scenario in my head, or hoping she'll come back. Her communication when she left me for him was basically, "I just wish you wanted me" and "Ok, if he's a narcissist then I will continue to see that narcissist." No real talking it through. I tried, but only after 6 months did I get a sort of generalized "Sorry" where she claimed -she- was too wounded to discuss things then. Which... .doesn't make sense.

Anyway, I'm curious to figure out if I'm in the depression/acceptance continuum at this point. I don't carry that lingering pain around anymore, but I think that was more along the lines of PTSD / trauma. Now I'm sort of like... .what the hell do I do now? Life is pointless, I have no close friends, I work all the time, I want to move, get a new motorcycle and so on; these things won't make me feel better inside, honestly. Maybe for a day or two. Then I'll beat myself up for going into debt.

Do I need to just take it easy for a few more months or what?

I'm also more curious than I should be about how 'they' will turn out... .

[rotiroti]

You know those wishes you listed? They sound really amazing! Is there something that is holding you back? There is still some bit of summer left, I think a motorcycle trip across the states would be cathartic - integrating everything you learned from this experience into a whole new you. You're free to do whatever you want!

Sure you could argue that the happiness might be fleeting, but I think that's one of the points in living life. To try things in order to find what works for us. I never thought I'd love cycling, but I picked it up out of the blue and am in love with it.

Your post is an excellent example that everyone is on their own time table for healing. I've seen members who are crushed years after the fact, and some who sprung back in a short span of time and all but disappeared from this board.

I find wondering and comparing to be really pointless. All it does is make us feel bad... .right?

[SGraham]

I feel you man. I too am at that stage, were it doesnt hurt on a day tomday basis but now im kinda in a bit of an exsistential crisis. Sometimes it feels like theres nothing worth doing, but i kinda take camus aproach to life, simply by living on im winning in a way. Anyway just wanted you to know im right there with you.

Best wishes,

SG

[HappyNihilist]

I'm not sure where exactly I'm at in the detachment process, but things have been easier and I've been more present in everyday situations.

These are very positive signs. You no longer feel the lingering pain, and you're more present. The 'fog' of emotional turmoil has lifted. You're healing.

Anyway, I'm curious to figure out if I'm in the depression/acceptance continuum at this point. I don't carry that lingering pain around anymore, but I think that was more along the lines of PTSD / trauma. Now I'm sort of like... .what the hell do I do now? Life is pointless, I have no close friends, I work all the time, I want to move, get a new motorcycle and so on; these things won't make me feel better inside, honestly. Maybe for a day or two. Then I'll beat myself up for going into debt.

 I understand, I've been there before. I felt isolated, I wanted to 'run away' and start a new life, I was edgy and restless. It's a tough place to be.

It's almost like, once that initial phase of emotional turmoil has passed, there's a hollowness left in its place. And we're desperate to fill it somehow. We're also just plain emotionally exhausted - our wounded psyche needs some 'down time' to heal.

Depression is an important part of the healing process. From The Five Stages of Grieving:

Depression- After all of the denial and the anger and the bargaining have been done and we realize that things really are starting to end and we become depressed. We feel helpless and powerless and overwhelmed with sadness about the loss that we are experiencing.  This acknowledgment often starts the serious process of us trying to understand what happened.

Acceptance- Acceptance is a final stage when we have finally sorting out what happened, accepted it and are more interested in moving forward than looking back. Acceptance can take a lot of time and a lot of processing. It involves understanding the situation, understand our role / understand their role, understanding what can be learned, and letting go / moving forward.

Do I need to just take it easy for a few more months or what?

I think that sounds like a good idea. Let yourself rest and recover. Let yourself mourn your loss. There is light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dark the tunnel might seem.

This is a good time to indulge yourself - not with a new motorcycle that would put you in debt and make you feel guilty, but with smaller activities/things that will make you feel happy. What sort of things make you feel happy? Riding your motorcycle is one, I'm sure. Maybe you could play hooky from work one day and just ride your motorcycle instead.

You say that you have no close friends. Maybe now is the time to start reaching out to friends even if they're not 'close' friends? I personally was surprised by how many not-so-close friends I became closer to after my relationship, just by reaching out.

[enlighten me]

As others have said I think your getting there. I can understand the depression/ lonliness. I moved back home after being away for twenty five years. Apart from my family I don't really have anyone. All my friends have moved on or weve drifted apart. I started making some new ones but its a very slow process as my circumstances don't allow for me to go out a lot.

I think the idea of a motorcycle is a good one and though you may feel that it gives only a fleeting happiness that will wear off Im sure that it will be more than just that.

I learnt to scuba dive after splitting from my ex wife. Ive only done 40 hours but those 40 hours have made a huge impact on me. I think about it a lot. I am constantly reminded of it when watching TV or if one of my sons brings up something about sea creatures. Its like having a happy trigger. Im sure the freedom of having a bike could be happy trigger for you too.

[balletomane]

I think the idea of a motorcycle is a good one and though you may feel that it gives only a fleeting happiness that will wear off Im sure that it will be more than just that.

I learnt to scuba dive after splitting from my ex wife. Ive only done 40 hours but those 40 hours have made a huge impact on me. I think about it a lot. I am constantly reminded of it when watching TV or if one of my sons brings up something about sea creatures. Its like having a happy trigger. Im sure the freedom of having a bike could be happy trigger for you too.

I both agree and disagree. After the devastation of the ending, I tried all sorts of distractions - going hiking, buying new books, nice skin creams to pamper myself (I don't normally use cosmetics beyond the basic shampoo and bodywash), signing up for different classes and courses. But all this costs money and I do not have that much money to spend. I realised in the end that I was only staving off the grief instead of processing it. I had to let myself feel it before I could deal with it.

I did identify some activities that would be good for that. Calligraphy requires you to be very sharply focused, so it works as a distraction from pain, but paradoxically it's also a mindful activity - you are very aware of your hands, each tiny movement you make, even your breathing. I also realised I needed exercise, as in the slump of my depression I didn't want to leave my room. Walking helped to lift my mood a bit and I chose a weekly circus skills class to give me a stronger workout, as a way of taking care of my health even though I felt terrible and like neglecting myself. Recently I realised I stopped writing creatively when I was with my ex, and I've developed almost a fear of it (I was in the middle of a short story when we had our first really frightening argument and I haven't touched it since). So I am going to push myself to resume that. It's not something that my grief should be controlling.

So I think each of us has to assess whether a new purchase or activity is escapism (and even that can be good in small doses) or something that really will make a long-term positive difference. Disorderedsociety, the bike may help you to move on by giving you the freedom to take trips to places you've never seen and that have no associations with your ex, for example. You are the best judge of what works for you. But I do think it's a good idea to start a new activity of some kind, because it seems like we all need something in our lives that our ex was never associated with before we can feel better.

[scgator]

I'm right there with you too. It's a day to day process. One day I'm great, feeling good about leaving, detaching, and exploring my own life, the next I'm in tears. Sometimes it's moment to moment. I don't have any family close and no close friends to lean on. I try to take the time to sit with my emotions but at the same time I'm trying to get a life. Maybe that sounds bad but at this point I don't care. I've told some of my not so close friends that I have to get out and get a life. I started a group pool night on Tuesdays with some buddies. I've been on meetup for a couple of years but never went to any - well I finally went to one and had fun and am going to another tonight. I walk my dog at least 2x per day (well I try) and I talk and introduce myself to the people I pass in my neighborhood. I worked on my motorcycle, got it running and make a point to ride. Riding is almost like meditation - I'm very present. A guy I work with lives up the street from me so I've mentioned getting out of the house and so we go grab a beer and some wings usually once per week. I'm reading some books on self-esteem and loving myself and continue to go to therapy. I'm interested in learning to play guitar so I asked a buddy and he's going to try to get me a loaner electric guitar and amp. I still send off emails to myself like I'm talking to her when I feel things I have to get out. I'm not really worried about what she's doing and have kept away from social media and just trying to get back to my life.

Is it all distraction? Escapism? Maybe a little of both. But it's also, in my mind, a cure for the co-dependent traits I exhibited and a cure for always looking for a relationship. I just figure if I can find fulfillment with me and my life then a rs is just a bonus. And continuing to live a fulfilling life would make dealing with a breakup like this so much easier.

I miss a lot of the pretend relationship. I have to come to grips with that and realize it wasn't what it seemed. I'm slowly doing that. Realizing that nothing she said to me was true, realizing my own value and worth. I keep focusing on the baby-steps. I'm working on overcoming my fear of living and just get out there and see what happens. It's the only option I have other than holing up in my town home or jumping onto a dating site.