The drip-drip-drip of information. Why?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I've said before that my exBPDbf had a habit of leaving me little bits of information here and there. This isn't delusion or anything - when we split up in the past he told me it was what he did, and that every bit of information was posted with the intention of me seeing it and thinking he'd moved on. It was important for him to lead me into thinking life was brilliant without me in it.

The odd thing is, none of it was particularly consistent. He'd post on social media overtly looking for a date, then he'd pass information on to people I knew. In the past when I was split black, he'd find ways to communicate this to me directly, deliberately messaging me to say he had found somewhere new to live, he was going travelling etc etc. This last time we've been NC, so he passes the information on to people I know.

To one friend, in August of last year he said he was out looking for a new girlfriend, then that he had a new place to live.

To another, very shortly after that, he said he had a new place to live, a steady girlfriend, and a place at university

To the original friend, just recently, he said that he was going travelling for a few months to Asia to learn Kung Fu.

There are only two mutual acquaintances that we have and he seems to pop up every so often to tell them another story about how he's a) in a really nice accommodation, b) has a steady girlfriend and c) is travelling or learning. Always the same stuff, but with slightly different details.

The odd thing is, there may be some truth in it all, but I know from the past that he'd tell me all the same things but that most of them would never happen. The travelling never took off, the courses were started or just thought about, but not completed.

It's been 16 months now since we split up, and he probably does now have somewhere to live (he was temporarily  homeless when we split), perhaps a job (he was on long-term sick), and has almost certainly had relationships. But why pass on "my life is wonderful" messages to people we both knew? Why does it matter to him whether I know about it or not?

[Suspicious1]

I've said before that my exBPDbf had a habit of leaving me little bits of information here and there. This isn't delusion or anything - when we split up in the past he told me it was what he did, and that every bit of information was posted with the intention of me seeing it and thinking he'd moved on. It was important for him to lead me into thinking life was brilliant without me in it.

The odd thing is, none of it was particularly consistent. He'd post on social media overtly looking for a date, then he'd pass information on to people I knew. In the past when I was split black, he'd find ways to communicate this to me directly, deliberately messaging me to say he had found somewhere new to live, he was going travelling etc etc. This last time we've been NC, so he passes the information on to people I know.

To one friend, in August of last year he said he was out looking for a new girlfriend, then that he had a new place to live.

To another, very shortly after that, he said he had a new place to live, a steady girlfriend, and a place at university

To the original friend, just recently, he said that he was going travelling for a few months to Asia to learn Kung Fu.

There are only two mutual acquaintances that we have and he seems to pop up every so often to tell them another story about how he's a) in a really nice accommodation, b) has a steady girlfriend and c) is travelling or learning. Always the same stuff, but with slightly different details.

The odd thing is, there may be some truth in it all, but I know from the past that he'd tell me all the same things but that most of them would never happen. The travelling never took off, the courses were started or just thought about, but not completed.

It's been 16 months now since we split up, and he probably does now have somewhere to live (he was temporarily  homeless when we split), perhaps a job (he was on long-term sick), and has almost certainly had relationships. But why pass on "my life is wonderful" messages to people we both knew? Why does it matter to him whether I know about it or not?

[enlighten me]

Hi suspicious1

I wish I could give you a definitive answer to this. As with everyone we are all different and do different things.

My best guess as this is what my exs do is that they want you to think of them as capable people. They want you to miss them and they want you to think of them as fun.

[Suspicious1]

Interesting it's not just my ex that does this. I suppose what I'm wondering is whether this is some form of triangulation. Yes, I assume he wants me to think that he's surging ahead with life, maybe for me to see what I'm missing out on by having split with him, for me to think that perhaps his issues were my fault and now we're not together his life is magically sorted. I know that's what one of our acquaintances has chosen to interpret it as (she is my ex husband's gf and can interpret ANYTHING as evidence of me being terrible).

In the past he'd triangulate me with other women, posting lots of new contacts on social media for me to see and, hopefully, to fret over. He admitted as much in the past. He also claimed to be going travelling because he wanted me to think he was doing fine without me and that I was missing out (not that he ever went). Curiously he also said that he said those things so if I ever showed those messages to anyone it would make it look like I was the one who had the problem, that he was successful and that I was bitter and jealous without him. Is this like some kind of distance-triangulation? Some kind of hope that I'll feel jealous and regretful? And then what?

It baffles me slightly, as when I think about the times I would do that to someone, it would only be if I still cared about what they thought and maybe still wanted some kind of contact or relationship, and had a sense of low self-esteem. OR if I was paranoid that other people had thought I had some kind of issue and I wanted to push that blame onto the other person, in a kind of "but I'm doing FINE without her!" kind of way. The people I've split up with in the past, in the cases where I really don't care anymore I haven't given a second thought to what they know or think of me. If I've still wanted something to do with them, then yes they feature in my thoughts and it's been important to me to show how well I'm doing. There must be tons of my exes out there (well, not TONS, I'm not that bad... .) and I'm not feeding information to them one way or another because I don't care. They're not in my thoughts.

I guess that's what I'm getting at. Why triangulate, if it IS triangulation? What's the purpose?

I know no one knows the answer, by the way. I'm just venting.

[enlighten me]

I don't know the proper term for this behaviour. I like you thought of this as a form of triangulation. I called it triangulation by proxy but if you read the definition of triangulation it needs 3 active participants. It is more manipulation.

Venting is good and asking these kind of questions can help. It may not give you answers about them but does raise interesting points about ourselves. Already in two posts you have looked at why this behaviour affects you when in the past you didn't care what other exs thought of you and didn't give them a second thought unless they meant something to you. The fact that your asking about triangulation leans towards you feeling as if your still involved in some way?

Just some thoughts and you are more than welcome to correct me on this but what do you think?

[Suspicious1]

I'm not really feeling involved, it's more that I'm watchful. I'm not out there looking for information about him, it's just that it's been handed to me, and I can't help wondering about it. More than me feeling involved in the relationship, I see it as a possible indication that he is still involved, otherwise why bother passing on information? I'm always wary of a potential recycle.

More importantly, the person he is painting me black to is very harmful to me, and could do a lot of damage with the information if she chose to. For some reason, understanding why he is doing it is helpful to me when I think about how to defend myself from any possible accusations.

[enlighten me]

I understand.

I also got this feeling that my ex felt more involved than was real.

That's why I thought of it as triangulation by proxy. She would bring up her exs and use them to manipulate me. That said it felt different. Almost as if she felt an attachment with her exs still. Rather than being just a blast from the past it felt more substantial if that makes any sense.

Its good that you are protecting yourself by learning. I keep tabs on my exs as we have children together. Not in a stalkerish  know what theyre doing way but in a learning their patterns way. I know if my exgf is suddenly bombarding fb then things probably aren't great in her relationship. If she goes quiet she is getting supply. I know that if my ex wife is feeling secure in her marriage then she can be quite confrontational where as if she is feeling insecure she is more compliant. This has helped me to prepare for any interactions.

Do you have any idea of what your ex might have said? Im not after details just wondering if it can be easily defended against and disproven.

[Suspicious1]

I've noticed the same thing, enlighten me. If FB is busy, he's hunting. If it's quiet, he's happy with a gf.

The person my exBPDbf has been talking to is my ex-husband's gf. She has a massive grudge against me and will do anything to take a swipe at me. One of her current claims is that I am an unfit mother. My exBPDbf attempted suicide when we were together, and repeatedly subjected to me to verbal abuse when he split me black. The fact that he is now getting in touch with her to tell her how wonderful his life is, I'm sure is meant just to show them and me how well he's getting on, but she is twisting it to say this is proof that I was the cause of his problems, and without me in his life, he has become "normal". This, to her, means that I have this effect on people - that I ruin other people's lives and I detroy those close to me.


Oh yes, I'm surrounded by them.

[myself]

When something similar happened in my on again off again relationship, she seemed to use such situations/mutual people as a way to try controlling an often out of control story. Also as a way to have let go but still hang on.

How truthful do you think the person passing along the info is being?

Could it be her doing more of the triangulating than him?

[Suspicious1]

I hadn't even thought of that, myself. Yes I imagine there may have been an amount of truth and an amount of exaggeration in her information. It's not even certain she spoke to him at all I guess - she's been known to make up conversations in the past, so you may be right. However it's the kind of thing he'd say, so I suspect there was something in it.

[hurting300]

Open your eyes and ears, think back... .These people will tell on themselves. My ex gave me a wealth of information, I was in love and ignored it. They normally always have a way of letting you know how they are.