help please i dont want it to end

[jonloves]

Ok so im new here.  Me and my girlfriend have just moved into college and it was good the first 2 weeks, but this week she was talking about how she knows she should miss me, but deosnt.  When she thinks of being with out me or being with someone else she gets sad, but still deosnt really miss me.  If she thinks about getting with someone in the future she is sad, but in the present she said it feels like it deosnt matter to her but she hasnt yet. 

She loves me and i love her, but yesterday she broke up with me and she says its because shes bad and its not fair to me she wants to get with others.  She says she wants to end up with me, but had to end it to preserve what we have so i dont get mad at her and leave her if or when she gets with someone.  I said if she ever does she wont get back with me, trying to set an ultimatum.  Then she said fine, might as well end it now, which isnt what i expected.

Now shes ignoring me, but i really dont want this to be the end.  I love her so much and she is literally the light of my life.  Im only 18 but i cant imagine life without her and if i do its just sad we are so much alike and fit perfectly together, its amazing. 

Please what do i do? please help me?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jonloves]

i apologize for the bad grammer and absence of punctuation im just trying to type fast in hightened emotion. feel free to ask questions.

[jonloves]

some more info she is still my bestfriend regardless of this (im hoping) and is visiting tomorrow, what should i do when i pick her up? this is a very serious relaionship for us and the ultimatum was in someway a lie because in all honestly it would kill me if she got with anyone else, but id still always go back to her. And again she wanted to end up with me she just wanted to end it till she was better to focus on her self more and had no intentions of hooking up with anyone else but she herself thought eventually she would cave and do it. what do i do about ll of this? how do i get her back? how do i take away ultimatum it was a terrible mistake but im afraid that since she believes since she will do it and wont be able to get back with me she will just hook up with someone sooner anyways especially if she is sad right now because she looks to sex for comfort alot

[jonloves]

ok no one is answering but i hope someone can help me figure out what the best thing for me to do is and what are steps to regain and improve our relationship. an update is she messaged me back normally i will be honest i was being very clingy as i believe i am a little dependent on her and left lots of messages of sweet things i wanted to say before, but now we are carrying a normal conversation. any tips are welcome.

[123Phoebe]

Hi jonloves   How are you doing?  I am happy to hear that you and your girlfriend are carrying on a normal conversation   I understand completely how stressed and icky it can feel wondering what the heck is happening, waiting for an answer and all of that stuff.

Is your girlfriend still visiting tomorrow?  I think one of the main things is to be authentic, just be yourself

What are you most concerned about?  Has some of that dissipated since she's messaged?  Has she been diagnosed with BPD?

Hang in there and if you're up for it, look through the Lessons on the side of this page; that's the best place to start

Thanks for joining and reaching out, it's nice to meet you

[jonloves]

hi 123phoebe thank you for the reply I'm suffering a lot to be honest. lots of the usual actions i know, expect, and try to deal with but its never easy.

I believe she has self diagnosed herself with BPD but am not complelty sure and it is not a topic that is discussed a lot by us but she has taken an online test i know that that has said she has most of the symptoms for moderate BPD and in some cases it can be quite explanatory of situations in ur relationship.

i havent talked to her about if i am or not yet but i am just assuming i am picking her up tomorrow and believe she has made the same assumption but i will try my best to be authentic although its hard when this really hurts.

my biggest concern is that she will get with other men but i may also just be paranoid as she has told me as of now she has no intention of doing so. im also concerned because i mistankanly created an ultimatum that i would not get back with her which im not in power to fullfill and the ultimatum in itself may have been self destructive as she was only breaking up with me over the assumption that future her would cheat on me which may have never happened. the concerns are still there although my mind is eased a bit.

i will hang in there and thank you very much for help and guidance i have skimmed through the lessons but i guess i should start to go more in depth and try to apply them more thank you

[123Phoebe]

Aw, yea jonloves, soothe your mind from the paranoia; easier said than done, I know.  Sounds like you're doing good now though, yay! 

You're young, have fun, no need to get into anything heavy... .I hope you have a really good time tomorrow, I'm excited for you!

[jonloves]

i hope we have fun to ,but is there anything i can do to help regain our relationship because although on minor good terms we are still broken up and that hurts alot. is there both things i can do and/or should avoid? any i know im young but this relationship is still as serious as any i feel and i want to preserve it, if this is any show to that my parents already call hers the "in-laws" and hers already joke that they are gonna start a savings account for the wedding, its kinda weird they do that us being this young but i think its sweet and a good show of our relationship and prior commitment

[jonloves]

also after some reading a good way to characterize part of the reason she broke up with me would be the fear of intimacy which she has shown before as she is scared that it will end eventually and i may leave her that she has to end it now. although another reason stated by her was the preservation of our relationship as that she dint want me to get mad at her if something happened so that she could come back when she was better and also that she feels the urges to get with others and even though she deosnt want to she deosnt think its fair to me in her words she wants to not get with ppl but not think oh if only i was single but oh i shouldnt get stds. i hope that can give more context to what my next steps should be

[123Phoebe]

Okay, I apologize for my confusion.  I was thinking that you're back together, but you're still broken up?  Are you going to different colleges?  And she's coming for a visit tomorrow.  Do I have this straight?  Has she mentioned anything she wants to do during her visit?

[jonloves]

we are unfortunately still broken up. we are going to 2 different colleges in the same state but she is still around 2 hours away so we cant and wont be able to see each other as often as id like. and yes she will be visiting tomorrow but we have not decided any plans to do and she hasnt said anything she wants to do

[123Phoebe]

we are unfortunately still broken up. we are going to 2 different colleges in the same state but she is still around 2 hours away so we cant and wont be able to see each other as often as id like. and yes she will be visiting tomorrow but we have not decided any plans to do and she hasnt said anything she wants to do

Okay, thank you.

Hmm, don't know anything offhand to tell you to do in order to get back together, if she doesn't want to.  It's hard when we are maybe wanting more than they are.  Be strong, authentic and accepting of this breakup, jonloves; confidence is a turn on for girls.  But I still say, make the most of it(!) and don't be clingy.

I wish I could be of more help and I really hope she changes her mind

[jonloves]

thank you very much and ill try. again she hasnt responded to my messages although she may just be busy so im trying hard not to message her again.

[123Phoebe]

thank you very much and ill try. again she hasnt responded to my messages although she may just be busy so im trying hard not to message her again.

You were having a normal conversation before though, right?  Yep, don't message her again.  Anything cool going on around campus?  Somewhere you could go and hang out with others?

[jonloves]

i just came back from eating with some others and she did end up responding so i did respond back

[123Phoebe]

i just came back from eating with some others and she did end up responding so i did respond back