The Long Walk Home

[ptilda]

Summary: uBPDh is not living at home. He filed divorce and our initial hearing is on the 17th of this month.

Since a long ST and enormous drama consisting of police being called in times of calm because "he thought I might start beating him," (police responded by calling the mental health intervention line, but there was absolutely no help), we're now talking. He's telling people he wants to get back with me, but his shame is keeping him away. He still tries to bring up the things I did ("beating him," disrespecting him, etc. . . basically what he did to me).

In the last three weeks we've communicated regularly. He attended the funeral of my mentor and pastor's wife, and when I put my hand in his, he squeezed back and let me keep it there the whole time. He has checked in on me every day. He's making a point of spending time with me to help me in any way he can. He has even been accepting some help from me in things like a PowerPoint presentation he's doing for class (he's an immigrant so school in English is a new challenge).

We don't talk about the divorce. I said several times, "I am unwilling to accept more than half the responsibility for the condition of our relationship, or more than half the responsibility for fixing it." He has now ceased speaking about responsibility and making accusations. It seems to be helping.

He's also attending regular Bible Studies with a Haitian Pastor which is a huge thing since it's the closest thing to mentoring/counseling he's gotten so far.

But it's such a long way to get him to come home! I've purposefully referred to it as "home" as in, "are you home yet?" And he responded without any indication that he was uncomfortable with that reference.

Who has been in this place before? Who can help me find some encouragement that we won't be stuck in this spot forever? I'm ready for some real progress!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Daniell85]

You have actually made immense progress! 

I know it feels very slow going to you and it's hard to feel up in the air.

You are doing great, though. Remember, you are rebuilding this from the ground up, with the lessons here integrated into things. It's working. 

[babyducks]

hi ptilda,

I'm glad you are feeling better and have recovered from the flu bug you had.

In the cliff notes version, I can tell you that in my relationship, we hit a very bad patch, an argument degraded into violence, and we were apart for quite a while.   we eventually came back together, it was a very slow process and pretty difficult in places.  we are together now, and we have pretty much put that bad argument behind us.   

I'm ready for some real progress!

Can you say more about how that looks to you?

What I have come to learn over time is I had to redefine what it means to be an emotional leader in my relationship.   In a previous r/s when we had an issue on the table I would present my side, she would present her side, negotiations would happen, give and take would occur and consensus would be reached.   

That's not how things work best in this r/s.   which isn't a criticism, more an observation.

If you feel ready to go to the next step, and understand all the possible ramifications of how that may play out, how does that look?

Can you start small?   and is there a way to present what you feel in a way that doesn't make him feel trapped in case he reacts?   

'ducks

[ptilda]

I have considered what "progress" means. To me it means moving forward in our relationship. Right now I feel like we're just sitting here staring at each other waiting for the other to make a move. But if I try to do anything he'll take that as an excuse to shut me down and back away.

The other night I informed him via text that I loved and miss him. I got back "good, thank you." What does that even mean? I said good night and said I would like of we could spend it together. He waited almost a full day before saying, "spend what?" I know he knows what I meant. But it was the kind of opportunity he usually takes to point out all the horrible (imaginary) offenses I've committed, so I didn't respond.

We had a mini "date" at Burger King where he actually took my advice on his school project (he gets frustrated easily with those things). When we separated he took and extra long time saying goodbye. Nothing physical yet really.

Last night he asked if I wanted a ticket he had for the state fair. I told him I can give it to someone. He drove over to meet me and give it to me. He's looking for ways to be in contact and to see me. I opened up about some things that have been going on and he was supportive.

When we said goodbye I said "love you" and he said "love you too." I walked away before anything else could be said.

I want a commitment to starting new. To me, that is progress. I want him to say what he wants to me instead of others. I want him to say we're trying again. Whatever that looks like. I want off this bubble.

[babyducks]

ptilda,

makes sense.

People with BPD traits have trouble coming up with options and detailed plans.  Their thinking tends to be black and white and impulsive.    Once they end up stuck somewhere they sometimes have trouble coming up with options to find their way out of the corner.

If you are ready to get off the bubble and you think it won't dsyregulate him, then go for it.

If you know that making a move may shut him down and back him away prepare for that emotionally.

The more time you take to craft your nudge off the bubble the better the likelihood of a positive response.

Start small.   Consider his feelings and what he can accept at this time.   Build in either or options.  If I go to the ballgame with my partner and say where do you want to sit she will say I don't know.   But if I say do you want to sit in section 208 or 114 she'll know.   

Use the tools you learned here.   You are good at them.

Craft your message with lots of I statements.   This is what I would be willing to do right now... .I want to try again... . 

think through all his possible reactions and how you could respond in a calm and centered way.

I think you got this.

'ducks


 

[an0ught]

Hi ptilda,

the way I see it is that when you move apart, particularly in a distressed situation then boundaries are coming up. Some of them are healthy some of them are not so appropriate for a healthy relationship.

Now as in all coming closer situation the challenge is to connect (validation) and to negotiated the boundaries (not necessarily talking, sometimes testing and skillfully stepping over). A big problem will be that trust has been damaged and both sides carry some baggage (fear, shame etc.) with them. I don't think you should be super, super careful and super slow - that would be walking on eggshells. Rather be mindful of his reaction and go slow when you see a lower gear is called for.

[ptilda]

Had our daily "date" today working on his assignments for school. He had one that isn't due until later in the semester. I told him this, but he insisted it was due today so we got it done and then tonight he said "you were right." It was a lighthearted moment for us.

I've twice today experienced him pulling away from me physically. Thinking he's just conflicted and might become more so as we get closer to D-day (divorce hearing) and he and I continue to grow closer every day. Personally I half expect him to just not show up in court. That would be a typical move.

I think I'll wait until after the hearing and then decide how to act since I'll know more.

[ptilda]

He's still stuck. We had a nice friendly and playful text conversation and then I said I miss him. He said, "ok." I told him I wished he would come home and he said ", since when?" I said since the day he left.

Him: "I'll always ask you this question. Then why you did all that things?"

Me: "[his name], I can ask you the same question. But we have been over this so many times. Our future is what matters. I forgive you and want to move forward. I ask you to forgive me for any hurt I caused you, and move forward with me. The past has nothing for us but lessons."

Him: "Anyway nice speech"

Me:"I as always am sincere. Our love is as strong as ever."

No answer.

He's not arguing. He's not insulting me. But he's stuck in the same blame B.S. He takes no responsibility. It makes me want to scream. I thought I almost was seeing the guy I fell in love with again . . .

[rotiroti]

I forgive you and want to move forward.

I think he could have misunderstood that part as possibly accusatory, because in order to forgive that means there has to be a wrong. Which could sound invalidating imo


Anyways I think this past week has been moving in the right direction, any updates in concerns for the hearing?

[ptilda]

Me sayingI forgave him was after he accused me. And I do. I have stated over and over that it is shared responsibility. I am unable to take full responsibility for the breakdown of our relationship. It's the one thing that seems to be getting through to him.

I have no idea about the hearing. I'll find out when I get there I guess.

[babyducks]

Ptilda

I have followed your story since you first joined the boards here.

I always look for your posts.

I know you have done a lot of work to get to reach out for the middle ground.    I am sure you must be disappointed that he isn't meeting you halfway.

Ducks

[MaroonLiquid]

Me sayingI forgave him was after he accused me. And I do. I have stated over and over that it is shared responsibility. I am unable to take full responsibility for the breakdown of our relationship. It's the one thing that seems to be getting through to him.

I have no idea about the hearing. I'll find out when I get there I guess.

Stop stating that it is shared.  You know it, he knows it, and we all know it.  Saying it just starts an argument and puts them in the driver's seat to rage at you or give you the ST.  I had to come to a place where I had to let "being right" go.  I still say the truth at times, but I pick my battles and now I know better the times when it will be received.  I'm sorry that he doesn't respond when you say something caring.  I have been there so many times.  it sucks because they are witholding something they know you want to hear.  I believe they want to say it, but then they lose control.  By not saying it, it keeps them in control.  For the most part, I have stopped showing affection to my wife.  I have stopped telling her I love her.  Not because I don't want to, but because it gives her control and the opportunity (in her mind) to "try" and hurt me by not saying it back.  It also makes her feel like we are getting too close and therefore pushes me away or says something hurtful or about divorce.  What I do now is I show it by my actions.  I'm there for her and there for our kids.  She shows it in her own way sometimes as best as she can, but I also shouldn't feel I need to always be the one to say it.  She used to say it all the time.  Honestly, I can't remember when she was the one to say it first or "just because".  It's been months or when she has been sick/recovering from a surgery and I'm taking care of her. 

     Ptilda, you have done amazing work!  We are in a very similar situation with our spouses and the divorce thing can be nerveracking.  It makes you feel like time is running out.  Don't let it affect you or how you act.  Be mindful and centered.

[ptilda]

I am not telling him the responsibility is shared unless the situation requires it. But it is the one thing that seems to have brought us to the middle ground. Unfortunately that was wiped out today. We're back at the beginning . . . or wherever the bad place is.

Met for coffee. I wanted to talk just about life in general. He was singing the song that he sang (literally) for 2 weeks which drove him into his darkest place. I could see his "dark passenger" (forgive the Dexter reference) in his eyes. He started talking about us in a degrading way. I tried to be neutral and failed. He started accusing and asking why. I pointed out that it wasn't the case and he announced that I'll never speak with him again.

Crash and burn.

I'm lost right now. I don't know how many times I can keep doing this.

[babyducks]

here is how I understand boundaries.   my boundary states and enforces my value.

I don't do late nights (boundary) because I require more sleep than my partner and hate being overtired (value).

She used to push against that boundary but has become more tolerant of it as I consistently enforce it.

my boundaries will look different than someone else's because they express my values.

I'm wondering if boundary enforcement was in play here during a push?  I'm not sure.

He started accusing and asking why. I pointed out that it wasn't the case and he announced that I'll never speak with him again.

what do you think ptilda?   what I have heard you say all along is that you will not accept 100% of the blame (boundary) for the problems in your relationship because you feel the problems are attributable to both and should be solved by both (value).   If I got that wrong please please correct me.  I'm not trying to put words in your mouth.

It is very hard to be neutral when being talked to or at in a negative way.   Exhausting and frustrating.   Knowing what you now know about BPD, could this have been a push, or maybe projecting his negative emotions to make himself feel better?

You are putting in a huge effort.   I can see that.   Take some time to recharge your batteries and do some self care.

'ducks

[ptilda]

Aaaaand, we're back. Just like nothing he texts me this morning "explaining" that his phone was off. Oh. Okay, that explains everything!

He tells me that he will be my support as long as I allow him. This came from his encouragement with some painting I've been doing and he's been super enthusiastic about it.

And he sought me out and made sure I would speak with him after I finished teaching. Then didn't answer any messages. Oh fun.

This ride is making me nauseous.

[an0ught]

Hi ptilda,

Met for coffee. I wanted to talk just about life in general. He was singing the song that he sang (literally) for 2 weeks which drove him into his darkest place. I could see his "dark passenger" (forgive the Dexter reference) in his eyes. He started talking about us in a degrading way. I tried to be neutral and failed. He started accusing and asking why. I pointed out that it wasn't the case and he announced that I'll never speak with him again...

You sensed something was off. You tried hard to ignore it instead of addressing it in a validating manner. It is tempting to wish that our partner is not angry but this wishing interferes with our ability to listen. And if we don't listen carefully and validate then when on the other side is a pwBPD the emotions will escalate.

This ride is making me nauseous.

So why don't you step out and let him do the yo-yo alone?

Your SO is not stable. You either embrace this or you let go. Trying to force to get to a stable situation where words of commitment are not turned around when emotions flare up and where behavior is not oscillating between closeness and distance seeking is futile. This is not to discourage you from your relationship at all but chasing after him is pointless. You may say you don't chase him in real life but what about in your mind? You may or may not eventually get to a stable relationship with him but this is not fully under your control... .

... .what is under your control? You feel nausea - how could you protect yourself? What limits can you place on yourself that would help you staying more grounded?

[babyducks]

hi ptilda,

one of my favorite quotes from this site is

Our emotional responses are always up to us. We do have choices. We aren't puppets on a string. We can learn to stop following and participating in the dysfunctional dance our partners are trying to lead us on. We can choose to start a new dance, and stick with it, hoping our partners will soon follow us.

I just love that one.   

I can choose to start a new dance, hopefully a healthier dance, and allow my partner to join me if she wants to.   If she doesn't decide tocome along,  that's okay too.   It feels to me like we are all just people doing the best we can with what we've got.  that includes me too.

hang in there.

'ducks