I need to get back up on my feet

[frignat]

So I just thought I could tell my situation and maybe it will help me through this terrible period.  I met my wife 13 years ago in AA.  Initially she gave me notes and cards and poems every single day.  I remember feeling so special.  However, even early on in the realtionship there were times where she would just check out emotionally.  She would go away and not talk to me for a couple of days.  When she came back she said she was scared.  Then I remember one time when I came back from a business trip and when she picked me up and we went to dinner and it was if someone had died.  She was totally depressed and would not talk about it.  I broke up with her that night and then a couple of days later she gave me gifts and letters and we got back together.  This trend continued to this day.  She has explosive anger over minor things and then she retreats and will not talk to me.  I have very bad co-dependency  and I have let her walk over me for many years.  I don't challenge her because I want to keep the peace.  She recently called the police on me after an altercation when we were drinking.  The next day she came up with a completely fabricated story.  She hired a nasty lawyer and put a restraining order on me.  We were separated for 5 months and then she decided we should start talking and of course I obliged.  We reconciled for 2 months but only did 2 therapy sessions.  We had a another fight and she wanted a divorce again.  2 days later she said she was reconsidering.  I have not been a saint by any means.  When we fight and she gives me the silent treatment I can't stop obsessing about what went wrong.  I open up to her and she just blows it off like my feelings are nothing.  I know I need to end the marriage but I keep a glimmer of hope that we might work it out.  I understand the pain I feel is really not from her but from a inadequate loving relationship with my mother.  Even knowing this I can't seem to ease the obsession and pain.  I cannot talk with her because she blows up at the smallest thing.  We have 2 children that are 8 and 7 and caught in the middle of this toxic war.  I don't feel angry towards her at all and I don't really know why because I should.  I have been in therapy for 3 years and my therapist says I need to end the marriage.  I just don't know why I have these obsessive thought for her and she is not even nice to me.  I never know what to expect from her .  I need help in disconnecting emotionally from her.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Hello frignat,



That certainly sounds like a confusing and hurtful cycle of push-pull. It's good that you are aware enough to view the ultimate source of your pain (to in no way minimize your wife's behaviors).

She getting a RO on you is concerning. Is that still in effect legally even if you are back together?

It sounds like you are stuck in a vicious cycle right now, and also the poor kiddos  :'( How are they handling it? Are they also objects of love-scorn-love as you have been?

What kind of communication skills has your therapist worked with you on to help reduce conflict?

If she's still drinking, that is an issue on top of the BPD behaviors. We have resources on the Co-Parenting Board which can help you help the kids. First, however, your marriage is the immediate concern.

Have you seen the tools in the right-hand sidebar? --->

As an example: The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

Turkish

[frignat]

Interestingly on the RO she dropped it but asked me to go online and email it over to her to fill out.  Of course I did it and she dropped it. 

My poor kids are not doing well.  My son (8) was recently suspended from the YMCA after school program for acting out in anger and not keeping his hands to himself and my daughter (7) instead of anger gets depressed.

Since my initial post she is drafting a letter with her brother in what she wants in the divorce.  Her email was linked to mine so I saw that she was requesting the house we live in which is way to much money for us since they discovered the RO and arrest and put me on unpaid leave.  Her attorney would not drop the RO but they did drop charges on the DV.  Long story short I lost my job which was a VP job at a bank.  In the meantime we ran up almost 50k in attorneys fees and nothing happened because she ended up firing the attorney and that's when we reconciled. 

At this point we are getting divorced if we can agree on the division of assets.  My Mom and Sister want me away from her.  I don't even know if I could get back with her at this point.  I have noticed that when her parents (who live 10 minutes from us) go away which they do often for 3-4 weeks, she tends to have meltdowns.  I don't know if the two are related.  I only discovered BPD about 6 months ago when googling rapid mood changes and I found Shari Shriebers site. 

I don't believe she is drinking anymore but I could be wrong.  My therapist does not think the relationship can work at this point because she does not believe my wife has the willingness to stay in treatment.  She was surprised when I told her we were reconciling after the whole incident in February. 

Anyway, I don't know what to do.  I spend to much time obsessing over it and talking about it that I am embarrassed.  Today I sent her a mean text about the children and our financial position and that our house needed to be sold to pay for the mess that she created with the unnecesary litigation.  It was kind of harsh but true.  I felt that I needed to say it because I don't she has any idea the domino effect of those actions.  I feel like the marriage is over which is a shame.  I am going to the house tomorrow to be with the kids while she goes to work.  She wants to tell the kids tomorrow night but I am going to ask her to wait until we have resolved more of our problems.

I like this site.  It feels good to get this out.  What do you think?  any suggestions?  Need some help

[Turkish]

The text s understandable. You're angry and frustrated.

I had to live with my ex fir 4 months until she could move out. We had at the time D1 and S3. I used a combination of the staying board tools to reduce conflct, and leaving board tools to detach. If it's over, it's over, but you still have to have some r/s with her due to the kids.

As hard and as stressful as it is now, what helped me was to think of it like a business: the business of getting her out, and the business of raising kids. It requires both detachment as well as being "present." Tough stuff.

You have a right to be angry, but now it's business as far as she is concerned. There is a tool, BIFF, which can help with texts and emails. I've found it can work verbally as well, at least in my case. BIFF:Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm.

TOOLS: Responding to hostile email

This is hard to compartmentalize. You would do well to post legal questions to the Legal Board. Senior members there have experience dealing with high conflict personalities.

How old are your kids, and how are they doing?